kjs1989

I would really love to print out this entire thread as Carey said, and hand it to certain people because really, all of this, ^^, what everyone has said, is the absolute, without a doubt, toughest and most excruciating part of my grief right now. What I am experiencing from "certain" people is smugness, marginalization, condescension, dismissal, and arrogance in their attitudes toward me. And I sure don't wallow in pity or anger. I think I am doing pretty darn good considering. But, horrors, if by chance I let my guard down, take off my mask, and reveal that my life SUCKS at times and after 2 1/2 years, I am still going a day at a time, and sometimes still struggling to keep it together, I am reminded in short order to suck it up. But, on my better days when I feel like maybe I am making some progress, living life, having some fun, laughing, making decisions, then THAT is questioned and speculated upon, too. I agree SoVerySad, really, the bottom line is that this is our own journey. We have to figure it out on our own. It is selfish by nature. Even with all the grief counseling in the world, we still have to figure it out on our own, what works for us. And unfortunately, in the fallout we may lose others close to us who just don't get it, will never try to get it. If I did print this thread out and hand it to whom I am thinking of, then I would just create even more of a schism no doubt. But the thing is, nobody in life who has loved deeply escapes grief, NOBODY. So it totally perplexes me where the smugness, minimization, judgment, and arrogance comes from. I have even reminded certain people that they will also experience a loss of this magnitude someday, unless they pass first. I think maybe grief to this extent is just too much for most people to contemplate or consider, so they want to minimize it, make it less than what it is. It is just all too very, utterly,and horrifically disconcerting for these people to contemplate fully. Lucky us.

Oh, wow, SoVerySad, I so hear you on this. The judgment and the assumptions. Sometimes I hear it directly, but often I hear it indirectly, friends and relatives telling me what others are saying. It infuriates me. Just ask me directly if you question my judgment or the path I am taking. This is one hell of a row to hoe, and I don't need anyone making the job more difficult. I don't think I am bitter either, although in my frustration I have gone off on a couple of relatives over their insensitivity and presumptuous attitudes about my life. As if they should know better than me how to grieve and what timeframe I should be following, what financial and business decisions I should be making, how to honor D's memory, how to raise my kids, and whether or not I should be dating. But, in hindsight I do sort of regret lashing out, because then I was just labeled irrational and yes, bitter. Whatever.

I had a long term friend of both D and mine say to me shortly after D's death. "Wow... yeah, sucks to be you." A friend's husband said: "I'll bet he was really scared right before the accident." "Are you going to sell his boat?" After taking it upon himself to check out D's unorganized workbench and tools: " Wow, D always was a slob!!" My brother's gems: "Stop making this all about you." "Throw his shit away.Get on with life!!" "Other people survive this; look at Katie Couric!" I don't know why this is so hard; at least you have some money!" At the funeral at acquaintance said: "Gee, I didn't realize his hair had gotten so grey! He was only 50!"

Rob, Wow, what an ordeal. I get it. My 17 year old daughter is so completely headstrong. Always has been. I have never been able to convince her of anything or win an argument since she was a toddler. She was the same way with my husband. Her older brothers were much easier in this regard. They were much more "go with the flow." What your daughter did in locking herself in the bathroom sounds exactly like something my daughter would have done. And the church thing. My husband was very strong in his Catholic faith. Me, not so much. I did not have a particularly positive church experience growing up for a variety of reasons. I have struggled with faith my whole life. And D's death certainly did not help the matter. But it was very important to my husband that the kids have a religious upbringing and I agreed. I wanted them to have that experience and maybe they would find what I was missing. I was actually the one that got the kids to their religious ed classes, retreats, confirmation activities, etc, because D was too busy and often on the road for business. They went through the whole confirmation process and to church with D every Sunday, although there were times my daughter went kicking and screaming. Now, after D's death my kids, 24, 20, and 17 have completely stopped going to church. I would go so far as to say they are atheists. We have talked about it. They discuss religious issues with their friends, even. They don't believe. It makes me sad that they don't find comfort in faith, because it was so important and such a huge part of who D was. He saw the hypocrisy in the Catholic church and religion in general, but he would say that had nothing to do with his personal faith which gave him strength and a sense of peace. Again, though, it was something I lacked and I'm sure I have unintentionally influenced my kids. I guess my point is, teenagers and young adults have so many influences these days. They don't accept things at face value what previous generations accepted. That is what it is, but it is really unfortunate your daughter took a stand in the manner she did right then and there. I would have had a very hard time dealing with that, too. I think you handled it very well, though, under the circumstances. There just was not much more you could have done. I agree that she should talk to the pastor or others before she decides this church gig is not for her. She has gone too far in the process to just quit something she may come to regret. She is younger than my kids, too. It is too soon for her to decide it is not for her.

I am so sorry you went through that. Something similar happened to me. My 15 year old daughter went back to school a week after her dad's funeral. The school called and said she was "missing" and not in class. I completey freaked out. The office thought I was crazy I am sure. I was ready to call the police. I was crying and screaming on the phone. I imagined she had left the school and was roaming the streets. Turns out she was having a rough go of it in class and asked to go to the counselor's office where she spent the rest of the day. The teacher neglected to tell the office. It was so awful. I had a true panic attack. I get it.

MrsTim, yes, amazing how people think we have "moved on" because we have someone special in our lives. No, I am not "all better" or over my loss. I am moving forward, surviving, and living life. I get so tired of the assumptions people make about me or the widowed in general. Sometimes I hear these assumptions directly, and other times through the grape vine. My SIL called my sister to tattle that I was dating at the six month point and to prompt a discussion of how that should be dealt with. There was the lady at my dad's funeral a year ago who came up to me as I was standing with my guy friend and said, "Oh, You have a new one!!" Then there was my brother who questioned why I felt the need to date within the first year. Now that I am past two years, he asks why I haven't moved on and thrown all my husband's stuff away. Yep, this stuff sucks and though I do have some friends who truly do seem to get it, I would say many more really don't, so I am thankful this place is here. I don't always post, but it is a great release to just read, relate, and take in how others are coping.

Yes, me too. And acne at age 50. And just aging in general. I have always looked younger than my years. All of the women in my family age well. And now, I look in the mirror and I don't know who that person is. I swear I have aged ten years in two.