kjs1989

Beautiful.

That's pretty cool. I can appreciate the talent, attention to detail, and time that goes into producing video games. My son is also a digital artist in Vancouver and specializes in movie VFX.

Wow, yes I get this. When D died, I still had two kids at home and one an hour away. We had so much planned for when we would soon become empty nesters. And it was shattered in a moment. I saw the writing on the wall that within a couple of years I would be very much alone, so much to the chagrin of several people, mostly the in laws, I sought out friendship of the opposite sex very early on. I was fortunate and met someone I care about and we are very compatible. He is my best friend and I love him. And now, yes, I am alone. It is so strange to have a completely empty house. We go from running kids around, going to activities, balancing family life, trying to cook a good meal now and then, to.....nothing. Our only choices are to rebuild and move forward, and try to fill the void and emptiness, and hopefully also find some life satisfaction and maybe even bits of joy here and there. And the human connection is a huge part of this, just simple conversation, sharing thoughts, ideas, laughter. I am one of those who loves my private time, but I also must have a steady dose of human contact, and not just contact, but actual connection. It is stunning to me that outsiders would criticize and judge this basic human need of connection. I saw on the Today Show that people are weighing in on the appropriateness of Facebook COO, Sheryl Sandberg, dating. Not a surprise, but still utterly maddening!

It's ok. You get to life life the way YOU want to now. I think it will be fine. I am pretty much a planner, too, but every once in awhile I just do something major without a whole lot of planning. I have never regretted it. My impulses are usually pretty good. I think yours will be, too!

Oh geez. I am so sorry.

I am not entirely sure, but I think because she remarried that fact nullifies her eligibility to collect his benefits.

klim, I get this. My husband was an outdoorsman and conservationist. He had a very stressful job so it was an escape for him to just be out there doing his thing. About a year before he died he made a huge investment in a property with lakes for fishing and wetlands for waterfowl. He loved that property and it was his dream for his retirement. I'm talking, it was EVERYTHING to him. He was out there working on that land to enhance the habitat at almost every opportunity. But, after he died I was left with a huge, huge mortgage on land 90 minutes from our home. What was I going to do with it? I had no idea if anyone was tresspassing on the land, hunting it, fishing, etc. It was an enormous worry for me. I mentioned selling it and D's brother had a complete fit. He threw major guilt on me by telling me it was all he had left of his brother. He got my sons involved emotionally and then they started in on me to keep it.. The bottom line was my sons are never going to be the outdoorsman my husband was. It is not their passion. They enjoyed being there with him, but they were 18 and 22, at the time and doing their own thing. They would never have been able to maintain the property at their ages, or even enjoy it anywhere to the degree he did. So, with the help of my husband's accountant I put it up for sale. D's brother attempted to buy it but could not get a loan. More guilt ensued. It was awful. It was not long that an investor made a legitimate offer and I sold it. D's brother does not speak to me over the issue and a host of other issues. It is what it is. The boys and I talk about it now and they get it.. The oldest lives in Canada now and the youngest has two years left of college and his own dreams and aspriations. We do what we have to do. It sucks, but we can't live our husbands dreams. We can honor their wishes when it is feasible, but we are the ones left to pick up the pieces and figure things out. Sad as it is, practicality and realism have to be a priority. It is about US now.

Yes. the anxiety. I have that, too. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I used to think there were certain "assurances" in life, at least in MY life. Crappy stuff happened to other people. At least, that's how it seemed, but yet, back when my family was fully intact I must admit wondering when my number would be up; life was just too perfect. I actually used to lie in bed at night and think about what I would do if tragedy should strike my family. I would put it out of my mind, and think, nah, you're blessed. Not gonna happen. Yep, best laid plans. And now, ANXIETY. I have it. Makes my kids a bit crazy, but they understand. Every time they get in a vehicle and drive away, I have it, because.... my husband died doing something that for intents and purposes should have been SAFE. Stupidity reigned supreme among a bunch of grown men in the accident that took his life. But... a good psychologist has helped me and continues to help me. There are some BAD ones out there. Yes... the just "MOVE ON" ones. The ones who just have no idea what grief is. I had several of those before I found this lady. One really less than helpful "grief counselor" was faith based through a local church. He was awful. He equated my loss to the loss of his grandmother. ( Sorry, I lost ALL of my grandparents and my dad. Not even remotely close) A psychiatrist told my daughter it was just taking her longer to get over it than most. Get OVER it?? Anyway, we do not get over this loss. We will live with it the rest of our lives. And we will MOVE FORWARD but not MOVE ON. Our past is too much a part of us to just discard. I think I will always be taking a step back or two for every few I take forward. It is how I best cope. But hopefully, the gains will be more than the setbacks as I go through the rest of my life without D.

Maureen, Wow. I had a couple of dates like that, too. Seemingly nice guys on the surface, but yeah, that feeling that there may be some history looming beneath the surface. I am a snoop. I actually went on my state's court site where you can plug a name in and up pops all kinds of interesting things. The domestic abuse thing ruled out even a first meeting. I don't care what his side of the story is. I don't want to sort it out. NEXT!!! NG received the same snoop treatment from me. His divorce was listed along with a speeding ticket ten years ago. That was all. No lawsuits, no bankruptcies, no domestic abuse, no back child support, no DUIs. DING DING DING!!!!! We have a winner!!!! Hang in there! There are nice guys to be had. You will find him!

Yep Sugarbell, I agree. I like having a guy to be my companion, be in my court, be my sounding board, have my back, and take my side when need be. I like having someone to cook a good meal for so I don't revert to standing by the sink eating toast for dinner like I did back in my single 20s. I like having someone to nurture since I am an empty-nester these days. I like having someone to travel with and be a constant on Saturday night. But, yeah, marriage sounds exhausting and complicated...the blending of families and finances. I think I actually thought about it more shortly after being widowed than I do now. At that time I just could not imagine NOT being married. It was all I knew. But now, I have kind of found a "normal." I own my house. I spend my own money how I please. I come and go as I want. I can read in bed at night without someone telling me to turn the light off. Maybe I will change my mind at some point. I just live my life a day at a time. When I was married I could imagine the future with my husband and how it might play out as the kids got older. I have no vision of the future now. None. I have kind of accepted it.

I get this. It took me a full year to even let NG see my bedroom. I kept the door shut tight. He was fine with it and referred to it as my "lair." So many of us on the same page...

I'm sorry you received such a self-centered reaction. You have to do what is right for you, absolutely. People don't realize how truly life altering this loss is, and we do what need to survive, pick up the pieces and move forward. My experience was a bit opposite. I heard I would be moving to be closer to my sister several states away. I was like... "What?? Where did that come from?" I was told that's what my inlaws were telling people. When I confronted them they said, "Well, we assumed you would want to be closer to your family." Ummm... At the time I had two kids here in high school and one in college an hour away. Yeah... ummm... my family is HERE! I am not going anywhere.

I am so very sorry. And no, it is the opposite of selfish when we cry for our kids' loss.

So sorry, Mel. It sounds you are handling this crappy deal in a rational manner at this point. You have been over the mountain with the loss of your husband; this is just a speed bump. Give him space and more space. Maybe use this time to really examine the underlying workings of the relationship. Did you have any inner doubts?? Anything that just seemed maybe a little bit off but you were willing to overlook? In my own false starts in the widow dating department, I realize that when I reflect back on the guys I really was all gung-ho about in the beginning, there were some little bells going off in my head that finally crescendoed into all out cathredal chimes. Remember who you are. You are smart and beautiful. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve. Don't compromise and take on someone else's baggage and neurosis! And certainly, don't beat yourself up over this! It's all on him!! It's his issues!!

Great posts. I struggle with this, too, after being married for 23 years. Boyfriend just does not cut it at all. I tend to call him my "guyfriend." Works for me. I have noticed how interesting it is that people make assumptions these days when you are of a "certain age." More than once when checking into or out of a hotel the staff has said, "Thank you, Mr and Mrs. .... " Some how I don't think my twenty something sons would encounter the same assumption with their girlfriends.

Oh, geez. So stressful. Your thoughts were somewhere else, understandably. I find myself doing that on a daily basis. I'm sorry.

It is a great idea. And as Maureen said, a foundation may be something you might want to check into. I also started two scholarships which are managed by a local foundation. They do all the work. I can give input on the scholarship decisions or not. It is up to me. This foundation not only works with scholarship awards, but all kinds of charitable giving. It has a board of directors and administrative staff. Go for it!!

Trying, ha. I get that. I would clean up "junk" left on my husband's grave also. I have seen that at cemeteries and I don't get it. No doubt the trinkets have meaning to your MIL. And I don't find that much comfort at D's grave either. I don't really see him as being "there." But, about four times a year I make the 20 mile drive to look at the beautiful free form granite headstone engraved with a duck in flight over a marsh. It is perfect for him, I must say. And the last two times I have been there to see someone has taken it upon themselves to completely "redecorate" bugs the crap out of me.

Thanks Guaruja, That is actually a good way to handle it. I am not a very assertive person at all, and the few times in my life I really felt like I absolutely needed to be to effect change and take care of myself, it seems like I didn't handle it very well and my emotions got the better of me. I don't want that to happen this time. I don't want confrontation again where I can't win. But, I don't want them to win this one, either. Unfortunately, there really is no other family except D's cousins, and they don't live in this area. I am on good terms with them, though. It truly is a shame we can't resolve our issues, but I don't foresee it happening in the near future if ever. I have tried. Pride is in the way I'm afraid.

Oh, no... I had not heard. Wow.

I went to the cemetery today to remove the Christmas flowers from the vase attached to D's headstone ( I had placed them in early December) and put some red and white Valentine motif roses in their place. I noticed my Christmas flowers had been removed at some point and replaced with other Christmas flowers matching the flowers at my husband's parents' headstone which is next to his. ( The flowers I had placed for them had also been removed) This is not the first time this has happened. My summer flowers were replaced with fall flowers at some point in late August. The only person who could possibly be doing this is my SIL ( husband's brother's wife) We basically no longer have a relationship because of various behaviors on BIL's part related to duplicity, gossiping, and backstabbing which arose while the estate and my personal business matters were being settled. At one point I confronted my BIL about his actions hoping we could get past it, regain trust, and simply move forward. All that served was to make them angry at me ( mostly SIL, and BIL pretty much went along) and they cut me off completely. They still contact my kids but ignore me. So, I am not sure how to handle this. I paid for and designed the headstone. This is my husband of 23 years and I think I should be the one to decorate his grave. I wouldn't even mind if she added some additonal flowers to the vase, but I am so upset that she would remove my flowers. What do I do? Just let it go? Maybe on the surface it seems petty, but it makes me so angry and sad. On the rare occasion I have a specific reason to text them or email them, they ignore me. Has this happend to anyone else??

I totally understand this anger, SoVerySad. Been there. My husband was killed in a boat with a bunch of brainless, complacent and assumptive men speeding through a dark, fog filled morning just to get to a stupid duck blind before someone beat them to it. He took chances and risks his whole life both in work and in play, and when I would ask him to please be careful, to stop and think, even getting very pissed at times in order to get him to listen, he just tuned me out. And yep, he left me with three brokenhearted teenagers, a business to run on my own, a house to maintain, finances to figure out, and DGI friends / acquaintances/ inlaws which at times only manage to complicate my life further. Oh, and anxiety. He left me with brutal, daily, life sucking anxiety which casts a looming shadow over my my very existence ( and trickles down to my kids) and for which I will probably be in counseling the rest of my life. But on another level, he left me with an inner will to survive I never would have dreamed was within me, and I think part of that ability actually came from my anger. I will be damned if I will give up. Granted, at times it is no more than a day to day process, and sometimes I feel like I am merely faking it, but when I look back to where I was three years ago, and where I am now, the contrast is truly evident. I am trying to show my kids that we can still live life, have successes, fulfillment and moments of joy. We can do this. We have to. Hang in there SoVerySad. Take that anger and put it to work when it strikes.

You truly are an inspiration, Truly.

TooSoon, I get this brother thing. Vent away. My own brother ( four years older) has been a bully to me my whole life. He has "nice moments," but they are short-lived. The bully always rears his head eventually. Empathy and sympathy are foreign terms to him. When I lost D, Bro was sympathetic for about a week. Then it was, " I don't really understand why this is so hard for you. Others go through this all the time. Look at Katie Couric!" When our dad was dying and I had the nerve to become emotional about further loss, he yelled at me, "Stop making this about yourself!! You need to move on now!" We gathered at my sister's for several days over Christmas where I once again observed how completely co-dependent he and wife are ( they have no children) Ordering in a restaurant was a long drawn out committee decision by them. Deciding when they would each take a shower also involved a lengthy discussion on the merits of showering at night or in the morning. Whether or not to have a beer or a glass of wine at my sister's house was also a tortuous joint negotiation process. I sure hope he dies first because otherwise he is going to be in for a very rude awakening about the realities of losing your life partner.

You are so lucky! Congrats!!