kjs1989

Tybec, what you said about some mental health professionals... oh, yes. My 19 year old daughter has suffered from depression since she was 14. She had just been referred to a psychiatrist for meds a couple of months before D died. After he died, I called the clinic to let them know we were in a crisis situation and asked if my daughter' s appointment could be moved up, that she really needed to be seen. I explained her meds were running out, we had cancelled an appointment because of the funeral, and they would not refill her meds until seen. No one would call me back. I called again. I explained AGAIN. Finally someone from the office called me and said since we cancelled they could not refill the meds and had no openings for a month. I said, "HER DAD DIED! Please tell the doctor that!" We were finally set up with an appointment, and when we sat down with the doctor she was stunned (apparently) to find out about our loss. No one in the clinic had bothered (apparently) to tell her even after our repeated calls. Then, the doctor herself some months later in a session told my daughter it was taking her longer than most to "get over" her dad's death. WTF? We continued to go to her because of the huge shortage of adolescent psychiatrists in our area. I felt like we had no choice. Thankfully, we had a good psychologist she was also seeing at the time. My daughter is at a state university now with an excellent student health clinic that prescribes her meds and follows up. They even call her randomly now and then to see how she is doing. It always surprises her a bit...and she is like, "Wow, you know, I am doing really well! Thank you for the call! " How hard is that?? So glad to be done with that other situation.

I am so sorry, mbanyard. Right there with you, I drift along and then it all builds up, like the shit going on in my life right now, which is so completely overwhelming I can't even post about it right now.

Fuck the electrician, plumber, carpenter, and mechanic buddies of my husband who said, "If you need anything call." My husband left several small household fixes undone. I had a door that wouldn't latch, a leaky faucet, a broken porch light, and a boat and lawn mower that needed winterized. I told these guys how much it would help me if they could get these things done for me. Well, never happened. But, come every October and November I hear from these guys because I have 200 acres of prime hunting ground rife with pheasants and ducks and they are itching to get out there. I have always been too much of a pushover to say no, but this year I said..."Umm...no...not this year." I felt bad. I really did. But...I got over it.... because I said yes to the neighbor who fixed my lawn mower, the friend who closed my pool, the friend who organized my garage, the friend who put up security lights for me, and the friend that fixed my car brake light.

I am so sorry Canadiangirl. The maintenance stuff never ends. D left so many things undone on the "honey do list." Four years later some of those things are still not finished.

I understand, still_lost. I often find myself thinking of Rose Kennedy's quote. "It has been said that 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." That is how I think I will always feel.

I am so sorry. NG has seen the absolute very worst of my kids and he has stuck around. Those special guys ARE out there. He has heard my young adult children be completely out of line and he has stepped up to the plate and put my kids in their place in no uncertain terms. When my smart-ass 22 year old son was ripping me up one side and down the other, NG was very silent for a long time. He just sat there for the longest time and I felt completely helpless. Then, Son said, "NG, I am sorry, you shouldn't have to be a part of this." At that point, NG got his bearings, grit his teeth, stood up and pointedly said to my son, "NO, I AM PART OF THIS!! AND I AM NOT THE ONE YOU NEED TO BE APOLOGIZING TO... SO SHUT UP AND APOLOGIZE TO YOUR MOM NOW!!!!! Son was shocked beyond words and guess what.... he apologized pronto. And, he still LIKES my kids after seeing the worst of them. He says, "they may be adults, but they are still KIDS at the end of the day."

The business of death sucks. It is so unbearable to deal with all of this stuff in the throes of grief. I remember just feeling like a robot going from bank to bank to sort things out and yes, also waiting in the social security office, thinking WTF happened to my charmed life.

For me, it just wouldn't work to try and move forward in a relationship with a guy who was still legally tied to his wife. The marriage certificate is more than a piece of paper to me. When I met New Guy over three years ago, he had been divorced for five years. Even after that period and up to the present, his ex has tried to insert her influence quite often in his life, mostly in financial dealings. She doesn't have a leg to stand on, of course, and he does not allow her to cross boundaries at all, but nonetheless she still tries to, time and time again. If he was still legally married to her, those boundaries would be more difficult to enforce. There would be no way I could see being involved in that triangle.

blue, Thanks for sharing your story. I lost my husband of 23 years to an accident rather than an illness, but I could still relate to so much of the hurt and anger you have felt with the inlaws' behavior. It will be four years this month that I lost D, and admittedly I still have some unresolved feelings of anger and hurt regarding the egregious and entitled behavior of my inlaws after D died. It is much better, thankfully, but I get what you said about turning a corner. Any sort of progress through this hellish hand we have been dealt feels just a tiny bit good.

Yep. When I first stuck my toes in the dating pool it was very discouraging. I could not believe the number of guys that were not financially stable and the chutzpah they displayed in asking me to help them out very early on. They obviously thought they had latched onto a sugar mamma when they learned I owned a business. Blech. I couldn't get away fast enough.

This sort of thing should never happen. I am so sorry.

Life can lead us on such a strange path. I have a friend of 35 years. We went to school together and ended up college roommates. She didn't drink in college. Did not like the taste of any sort of alcohol. Did not like the feeling of being a bit tipsy. Pretty much a teetotaler. When my husband and I were dating we introduced her to a friend of his and they married two months after D and me. We soon ended up living in the same city. We had kids around the same time. We did things as couples. Then, somewhere along the line when our kids were in elementary/middle school she stopped returning my calls. No rhyme or reason. Our husbands still talked occasionally, but when my husband would ask about her and pass on my well wishes, nothing further was ever said and the subject was dropped. Two years went by and I really missed her, but had pretty much given up on our friendship. I had tried so hard to make contact. Then a mutual college friend called and had moved to the area. She wanted the three of us to get together. I took one more chance and called my friend. She actually returned my call this time time, and she was open to getting together. The three of us had a great time. So many laughs and it felt so good to be with her again. I did not bring up the two years of silence. But, she did. On the drive home she said she had something to tell me. I was taken back for sure. I was like...okay... I figured she was going to tell me she had marital problems, something about her family or kids. Instead, she told me she had been a raging alcoholic in those two years of no contact. Drinking cheap warm beer, up to 20 a day, and hiding the bottles in the drop ceiling of the basement. She would black out and not remember anything for days. The drinking had started as a desperate attempt to try to self-medicate back pain. Finally at his wit's end, her husband, with the help of a doctor, had her forcibly admitted to rehab. The rehab staff was quite stunned at my friend's lack of drinking history. No one in her family has a history of substance abuse either, that they could determine. Of course, she learned in rehab she has personality traits which predispose her to addictive behaviors, and it was manifested through alcoholism this time. I am happy to say she is back to her old self again. All I can say about that time is that I wish I would have known so I could have helped her. I thought it was me, something i had done. I would have broken her door down to help her if I had only known. When D died two years after her recovery, she was the friend by my side immediately. She was there for me. I wish I would have been there for her.

My old phone still has the last text messages from my husband. Just really casual stuff like "running late, be there soon." So surreal to think how normal life was...until it wasn't, and the county coroner was at my front door.

Same here, Jen. So many on here write so eloquently and convey the thoughts that are within me, but in my sometimes (and often) garbled state of mind I can't seem to transfer those thoughts to meaningful sentences. Hugs to all and please carry on. I learn so much from all of you.

I agree 100% with you, Captain's Wife. Very condescending and patronizing of the guy to contact you again and then say he was "agonizing" over his decision whether or not to pursue getting to know you. Just go away then, Dude! Vent away, CW. And Serpico, how very condescending of you, too. To label someone hostile for venting frustration, and then backhandedly caveat it by saying you're not criticizing, just observing, but to take it as one would wish ? Please. Why do some veteran posters, of all people, forget this is supposed to be a safe site to say what we need to say without judgment. Time and time again I don't get it.

I want to add that my modus operandi in regard to dating during widowhood pretty much matches what I have done my whole life and what I tell my daughter to do. I have never been afraid to express initial interest. Every long-term relationship I ever had was the result of me throwing the first pitch. It just worked out that way. It may be the other way around for others. That chemistry feeling seems to be so rare for me that I did not want to let it pass me by if I felt it. If he caught the pitch, great. If not, I couldn't be bothered wasting my time and I accepted that it wasn't meant to be. I hate mixed signals. It sucks for my self esteem and makes me crazy. If a guy is interested, he will pursue, or at least give you very positive signs that he wants to know more about you. He won't be willy-nilly or flakey about it. I feel really strongly about that. I guess the bottom line is, and what I tell my daughter, is go for the guy that likes you just a little bit more than you like him in the beginning, but for whom you feel a draw. It is nice to have the upper hand just a bit, not to play games or wreak havoc with his feelings, but just to have time to figure out if there is potential. I have found that my feelings typically grow in these situations, and that my instinct and initial attraction is usually right.

I have been reading these posts and found them interesting to say the least. I had a different experience in the game of pursuit. I have been with the guy I met online over three years now. I contacted him first. He was indeed flattered and took the pursuit from there. I wanted some control over the situation which led me to contact the guys I was interested in and thought I had the most in common with. It worked out by far better for me than the other way around. Ya just never know.

Pretty awesome. There are still those in my life, (certain family members of all people), who believe grief has an expiration date, and because they have moved on, so should I, his wife, partner, and best friend of 23 years, the mother of his children. I think I am doing a pretty good job of moving forward, but D will always be a part of my past, my present, and my future. I will never burden others with my grief; I will still smile and laugh and find joy where I can, but I am changed on the inside forever, and this is who I am now. I will never negate him in any part of my or my kids' lives because others think it is only healthy to let go and move on now.

Yes, this seems to be universal. I have told the details of that day to so many people, some of whom probably got way more information than they bargained for. Played that day over and over again in my head, the coroner showing up at my door, the calls I made, my daughter wailing on the sofa. Whether you lose your spouse to a long term illness or suddenly, those last days, moments, are etched in our brain, aren't they.

Hikermom, we lost our husbands just two months apart, both to tragic circumstances while doing something they loved. I can so relate to your post. I, too, think I have PTSD with accompanying anxiety which is unbearable at times. Mine strikes whenever my kids drive anywhere. When my 19 year old daughter gets in the car to make the three hour drive back to college it is brutal for me. I watch the clock and have it timed almost down to the minute that she should be pulling into the sorority house parking lot. If I don't hear from her right away, I call. If she is busy unloading stuff and doesn't answer right away my anxiety goes into overdrive. Not cool. But yes, also like you I have become so much stronger in other ways. I think my husband would like me better. Yes, he loved me, but I truly think he would LIKE me better now. I am much more rational about other aspects of my life even with the anxiety episodes. I don't sweat the small stuff. I have keener insights. I don't suffer fools easily. I have become assertive. I feel more deeply. Thanks for this post.

I so understand this. Had my driver's license renewed last summer. Wow, what a difference fours years makes. My previous license was not amazing (who's is?) but it was perfectly acceptable as these things go. I looked... well...ALIVE. This one....I have a zombified stare emanating from a hollowed-out face complete with puffy dark half moons under each eye. Lovely. It ruined the day...week...month and almost the past year for me! I whined to my teenage daughter about it and she was as empathetic as a most teens...which is not very. I still cringe whenever I am asked for ID. So, since it has been eating at me for a year, my plan is to "lose" that sucker right around the time of my next hair appointment. Spend extra time on my makeup that day and pay a visit to the DMV! I can only hope for some improvement!

Alexwife, I get those crashing days. You drift along, maybe feeling like you are making a bit of progress, and then something triggers a setback, and you feel like any progress you have made is null and void. I wish had answers, all I know is that we just keep trudging along a day at a time, trying to develop healthy coping mechanisms, taking bits of joy where we can, and hoping for some clarity of purpose. It is all we can do. HUGS.

It is so brutal when you lose a connection to your loved one. I get that. I am at the helm of D's business now, something I never had any interest in, but it is a connection to him. I hope in a few years I will be ready to sell it because I just can't keep doing it, lucrative as it is. Also lost D's dog to cancer last week, which was soul wrenching. The kids and I felt like Boz carried D's energy within him. And now that is gone. I'm so sorry. Hugs.

Jen, I am so sorry. So many of us get it. Until very recently, I hadn't cried for a long time. The magnitude of this loss often feels too big for tears. But last week, the kids and I lost what felt like our final connection to D, our 12 year old dog. He was D's dog, his buddy who never left my avid outdoors-man's side. Boz grieved too, when D died. He slept by his side of the bed for weeks. He was a just a dog, but it felt like he carried my husband's energy in his dog soul. We all felt it. And now Boz is gone. My daughter and I sat on her bed and wailed. The scarred over wounds have been ripped wide open again. These past 3 1/2 years I feel like I keep climbing the stairs; every day I climb the stairs, a few at a time, and then I retreat back down a few at a time, up a few, then down a few, and then there are the times like now, where I have fallen all the way back down the damn stairs and here I lie at the bottom, broken, for days on end. Eventually I have to start climbing those stairs again. But no matter how hard try, I just don't think I will ever get to the top. This journey SUCKS and I just want to go home, but I can't. I read another thread today, where a veteran poster from this site made the assertion that we should be ashamed if we say this is not fair, that we are acting like children to make such statements. Well ya know what?? I am not ashamed to say it is not fair. I am not ashamed to whine about it, I am not ashamed to be authentic because I get so damn sick of faking it all the time and I am not about to grieve according to someone else's smug guidelines because they got it all figured out. I will pick myself up by my bootstraps and forge ahead up the damn stairs because I have to, but on MY time frame. We can do this, Jen. Hang on to my hand and everybody else's on this site who gets it. We will climb the stairs together and catch each other when we stumble. It is okay to be down at the bottom of the steps for however long it takes to find the strength to just go up one or two. There are people at every step, forging their own journeys, who will help you. Just ask. HUGE HUGS

I'm sorry, Fern. It really hurts to feel you really aren't family. I get that. I have been exposed to some of those same attitudes. D's parents were deceased when he died, but they were very family-centric, also, especially D's mom. During our marriage and over the years, vague comments and slights made me aware I was never entirely considered family. I was very close to my own family so it never bothered me all that much, but I was quite conscious of the fact that I was more or less just the bearer of her grandchildren. So, I am sure if D's parents were alive it would be the same situation for me. The trust would have been set up with only my kids as beneficiaries. I am sure of it. I think maybe the best you can do is have a heart to heart. That will be difficult, but I would give it a go. Maybe she has no idea what you are facing as a solo parent now. That is money that will benefit your child not just in the distant future, but now, and as he or she grows up. Unless she is entirely cold-hearted, that would have to make sense to her, that this is not just about you, but what your child need NOW, without his dad in the picture. Perhaps there can be a compromise, with a portion placed in a trust for the future.