kjs1989

Thank you for posting this, MauiMermaid. It is heartbreaking to know that Sean also lost his life. That had to be so devastating to Steph, also. In the first weeks after I lost D, I also reached out to a widower acquaintance who had lost his wife very suddenly a few years before I lost D. We had mutual friends, but we only knew of each other. I am so grateful he responded to me with everything he had to offer. I feel like he saved me during those awful first months. He literally saved my life when I was so full of despair. He began by telling me how he went from being in a fetal position for a week to slowly beginning to breathe again, getting out of bed, showering, eating, moving very slowly, but in a forward direction. Over many beers and margaritas stretching into a year, we covered topic after topic related to our losses: friends, kids, inlaws, DGI's, finances, faith and religion, jobs, dating... you name it, we covered it. Sometimes we cried, but there were also many times we laughed. I will always be so grateful to this friend and it warms my heart to think of him. He was well into his own healing and moving forward, but he stepped in to help me find my way.He is engaged now to a great lady, and I am seeing someone special, also. It feels good to have come this far.

RemysWife, I think you handled her perfectly. I might have added the "WTF???" in my reply to her. And I would have ignored her breezy response as you did, too. People can be so smug and assumptive in their "advice" to us. Annoying as hell.

Fern, Absolutely. Truly, one of the hardest things in dealing with this loss is hearing the words...."Are you doing better now??" A very close friend actually showed up my door two weeks after D died and as I invited her in she she said, "So, are you better?" Because she was a close friend I actually said to her, "Karen, do you think you would be better two weeks after John died?? Try to imagine..." Starting with the visitation, when the most bizarre statements of "comfort" were offered to me, it weighed so heavily on me to realize what I was no doubt in for in the coming days, weeks, years.... I had never heard of the term DGI until I came to this board, of course. I had been trying to piece together in my head what it was I was experiencing in peoples' reactions to my loss, and trying to come to grips with it. And yes, most people are well meaning, but they are absolutely clueless as to loss of this magnitude, and through their words actually seem to minimize it with platitudes, cliches, comparisons. Three years later, I still get some gems thrown my way, but I am definitely stronger and wiser and roll with it all much "better,"

Eastern Iowa, on the Mississippi

Jen, I am so sorry. I still feel like I am watching someone else's life. When I allow myself to stop and think, "my god, D is dead," it is just so unbelievably overwhelming to me and sickening that I can't stand it. I want to throw up. I don't have any words of encouragement for you, except to let you know you are so not alone. We are all there with you. Hugs and more hugs.

Yes, the grocery store thing. I do that all the time. I think I am sooo organized. Make a list....but leave the list on the counter at home. Or yes, go in to get a specific item, and come out with $100 worth of stuff but not that one item I needed. Ugh.

Oh my gosh. Can I relate to this. I am sure this "fog" is why the advice given to those in early grief is to not make any major decisions. I still shudder, too, at old emails I have come across, things I have no memory of writing. I am so thankful that D surrounded himself with smart and trustworthy people, as these advisors carried me through and protected me from business and personal decisons I was being encouraged to make by D's brother of all people, which in hindsight definitely were not in my or my kids' best interests, but his own. I was such a "yes" girl to him the first six months or so. When the fog started to lift a bit and the advice of my attorney, accountant, and financial advisor began to click, I was able to assert myself and make decisions best for me and the kids, not the inlaws. I am so thankful.

Yeah, I have heard that too. "Deal with it" or "Grieve long and hard." I have never been able to grasp that either. In the beginning, I ordered countless grief books off Amazon, and several more were given to me. I poured through them day after day, trying to find the answers. Some seemed helpful in the moment, some not so much. I did the grief counseling thing one on one through two different hospital chaplain programs. I went to a private psychologist for counseling, also. I sent my kids to a local grief program for teenagers. The high school counselor even went so far as to start a grief program at school because so many kids had lost parents that particular year. I got on this board through the suggestion of an online widow friend. Though other friends, I made contact and became friends with other widows and widowers who had walked this path before me. And I must say, for me, becoming friends with others living this life has by far been the most helpful to me in "dealing with it," Nonetheless and the bottom line is, it is still such an individual process. So much of the process just has to come from within ourselves, and I think grief will be beside me the rest of the my life and I just have to accept that it will always be a struggle. I will move forward because I have to, but it will always be there for me. I will just "deal with it" daily the best I can. I will find joy in the moments available to me. When I hear of a new widow or widower who recently lost the love of their life, or a parent having lost a child, my heart hurts beyond belief to know that someone else is having to figure all this out from scratch, too. Rose Kennedy's quote is perfectly apt for me: "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting its sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."

So awesome! These posthumous awards are so bittersweet. My husband received several, too, for his work in conservation. It is so cool you get to go to the ceremony. And to me, it is very brave of you, too! I am glad your sister will be with you. Those dedication events are so hard for me. I bowed out of a couple. One opening event in his honor at a nature preserve was going to be celebratory with balloons, free hot dogs and such. I just couldn't do it.

I am so sorry, Abitlost. I understand that blending difficulty. I am at three years with NG, and it is so hard for me, too. I know he would like to move forward, but I just can't right now. I love him, but honestly, I am just not at the point where I feel like I can take on his stuff when I am still dealing with grief. I feel like I am sort of living a pseudo life, and I wonder when I will truly be able to fully move forward. So far NG doesn't push me, but I wonder how much longer we can be status quo.

Yep, I get it, This was D's favorite holiday, as it was just about family without the hassle of gifts. For some reason last year seemed a bit easier. This is year three. I was just so pooped today, from the time I got up and all day in general. Did the marathon cooking thing for my two kids that are home from college, ( oldest one in Vancouver and can't come home) NG and his son, and my 96 year old mom, but my heart has just not been in it today---at all. I went through the motions for my kids. The pervasive empty feeling is just so unrelenting. Wish it was January and and the holidays were done. Good thoughts to everyone struggling. It sucks.

His name was Dave. He was 50 years young. He loved life with unbridled passion. He was in utter awe of the world around him and always so full of gratitude for his life and the opportunities afforded him. A simple walk through the woods on our property or a day in the fields with our dog left him giddy and feeling spiritually blessed. He never failed to remind the kids and me to be grateful and thankful for the simple joys of life. He was a best friend to many, and to those he just met, he was only a stranger for a short while, because once he shook a hand he became a friend. He was a respected and beloved boss to over 100 employees, often going above and beyond for his employees personally. He would give a vehicle to someone with no transportation to work. He would pay several months rent for a family having a tough time of things. He would do home repairs for a single mom struggling to keep it together. He was an amazing dad, always full of wonderment and joy when it came to his kids, looking at them in that "dad" way of his, sometimes with a bit of bewilderment and amusement that he had a part in creating these three individuals so different from himself. And lastly, he was a devoted husband and the love of my life. We didn't always understand each other, and at times completely frustrated each other, no doubt me frustrating him a good deal more than the reverse!! I am sometimes ashamed of how I tested his love, but it was in the moment and seemed important and relevant. Now, I know better. Our marriage was so not perfect, but we both knew we were in it for the long haul. Damn it, D, I effin miss you and love you. WTF.

Yes, yes yes, canadiangirl! This site needs to place a place of support, and unfortunately sometimes from what I have seen, it just is not. It actually keeps me away at times. I wander back after some time off and then read something dismissive, and it's like "blech" who needs it. Calling a widow's post disingenuous, and calling a widow's feelings self-righteous and superior for expressing a thought that she admittedly says may make her a DGI, is not helpful. I can't imagine any of us actually think we are all-knowing and fully understanding of the human condition. We are all just trying to survive and figure it out as we go. Let's give each other a break.

twistedmensa, congrats on getting the stereo up and going! I still have all those boxes too. I am at three years. For the longest time I could do nothing. There are days I still do nothing. And the estate stuff is just now coming to a close, too, after three years. And in the middle of my grief, 18 months ago, my elderly dad became very ill and was admitted to the hospital four hours away. He died a few weeks later. My siblings, who live in other states, expected me to be the one to make arrangements for my teenagers ( who I basically left alone for days and weeks on end because of no other options) to go tend to my dad and my mom ( my mom was alone in their apartment). It was so overwhelming. My anxiety was through the roof. My two siblings came when it was convenient for them; I was not allowed that luxury, because I was the closest one, was the argument. So, I so understand. So overwhelming to have it all on US. It sucks. I have found I just do a little bit every day. Just a little bit. Go to the DMV. Call my attorney about a matter. Take the car for an oil change. Clean out one box. Take a few boxes to Goodwill. Call someone about a house maintenance matter. Clean out a cabinet. Call for a medical appointment. Call the dentist. Now, even though I still have so much to do, when I look around I can tell I have made progress. There will always be interruptions and people wanting my time. I just try to be flexible and say no to demands I just can't handle. My kids always have needs so I have to work around that stuff. They have learned to be very independent even though they still love to do the guilt thing if they can get by with it. Sometimes, admittedly, I am guilty of giving it right back at them. We are ALL a work in progress. Hang in there.

I have found with NG I am trying to be a little more mellow than I was with D. Small things don't matter as much. My perspective is better. I wish I would have realized that a little bit more in my 23 years of marriage to him. I certainly have regrets on some of my little temper tantrums, although I try not beat myself up too much because D was not always the most attentive guy and with his Type A personality sometimes it seemed like that was the only way to get him to slow down and pay attention to our family needs. What has set my anger off in widowhood is the assumptive DGIs. In particular, I have gone off on D's brother for assuming certain things should play out in certain ways since D's death, and he and SIL seems so surprised when I have different plans. My personal boundaries being crossed has by far been my biggest anger trigger in widowhood. D and I were completely autonomous in our decisons with no interference from others. Just because he is gone does not make it ok to assume what is best for me and my kids and act so surprised and patronizing when I don't agree. Then, what really takes the cake is to blame my angry reaction on grief! Give me a break!!

I am so sorry Cinderpamela. I was married for 23 years and lost my husband to a freak boat accident Oct. 20, 2012 while he was on his way to a duck blind to hunt on opening day. He was a passenger in a boat with six others, and the driver hit a channel marker in the dark and fog. Two feet to the right and they would have missed the concrete marker in the Mississippi River. Basically, they hit a needle in a haystack. He was knocked unconscious and drowned in three feet of water. They were 30 feet from their destination. One other man also died. I also had three teenagers at the time. I never heard a word from the boat driver. Nothing. He had hunted in the area for 20 years and should have known where that marker was and slowed down if it was not visible. I would not know the man if I saw him at the grocery store. He was a new acquaintance of my husband's. The what-ifs are so brutal for me. I am sure you have gone through that, too. Again, I am so sorry.

Congrats! I love what you said about sex appeal. That sex appeal thing can be sort of intangible at times. I would never look at my NG on the street and think..."he's hot!" What first appealed to me about him was the "guy's guy" image I saw in him. He has a very physical and dangerous job working on high voltage lines. He is a real fix it guy, too. Home repairs are a breeze for him and so is car stuff. I find the manly stuff so appealing (MIke Rowe ya know!). Also, the fact that he grew up without a dad ( Dad bailed when he was one never to be heard from again.) and is still the amazing and normal guy he is, makes me admire him all the more. But yet, even with this tough guy stuff, he is a softie. He is an awesome dad to his two kids and wonderful to my kids. He loves animals ( my dog worships him!). He brings me flowers and little surprises. He helps me in the kitchen, does dishes, cooks, and does a mean load of laundry. It's purdy cool. His ex-wife was a fool.

Wow, all of you, so beautiful!

Yep, I understand where you are coming from, Trying. I have the same thoughts sometimes. The guy I am seeing made the early in our relationship statement, "Well they are similar," in reference to my widowed state vs his divorced state. It was almost a deal breaker for me right then and there. The look on my face when he said that must have made him think twice, because the next time we were together he had changed his tune completely. Thankfully, he cared enough about me to do his homework, read lots of articles online completely of his own accord, and educated himself. Three years later we are still together. He truly gets it. I also have a very dear friend who sometimes talks in terms of our losses being similar. I tend to give her a bit of a pass because she was deeply in love with her husband when he blindsided her with divorce papers. It was absolutely devastating and I was not sure she was going to pull through ok. To her, he did die in a sense. But yes, her kids still have their dad, even though their respect for him has wained. Nonetheless, they have their dad to hug and take pride in their accomplishments. I don't point that out to her, though; I just listen and nod, because she has been there for me in some major ways. In my mind, though. no comparison. None.

So sorry you are going through this, Jen. I get it. The hate and anger, yep, I also have that all the time. Strangely, I had it some when he was alive, too. Sometimes I sit and think about the disconnect between D and I at times when he was alive. l Ioved him so utterly and completely, but even then I had anger at times, and he couldn't understand it. I didn't understand it. Now I regret it, but try as I might, I couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from exactly at the time. But now, and this sounds weird, but I think I felt like I was losing him even he was alive and well, not due to infidelity or a breakdown of our marriage, but just that he was not going to be with me or the kids forever. We were going to lose him at some point. I often felt that in a very vague sense. I would lie in bed and think about it at night, but would usually manage to talk myself out of it. I had even expressed some enigmatic fears to my teenage daughter about it. I felt like something was pulling him from me, but I had no idea what or who, really, but it pissed me off. I was angry about his type A personality, his distractiblity, his multitasking, his compulsiveness, his complacency, his employees, his friends, everything about him at times. So now, he is dead. And it is almost like, "I told you so... You went and left us. It is your fault! Your damn lifestyle and your damn careless and selfish friends!!I I knew you would leave us!!! And you did!!! And you left me with all of this shit to take of! A business I have no clue how to run! A household to run! All of your stuff, stuff, stuff! So much stuff! Legal stuff upon legal stuff! Three teenagers and all of their issues!!! And your brother who has compounded my grief time and again by his self-interest under the guise of being caring and helpful! You knew he was like that and you never told me!! You bailed on this great life and the future which was yet to unfold. You left me to figure it all out. And you left the kids and me forever damaged. Forever. It SUCKS!!!" I don't know what the answer to this anger is, but for me, I just go a day at time, and sometimes it recedes a bit, but it is always there. Please just now that you are not alone, Jen.

Spot on. She is an excellent writer and truly conveyed what it is like. Everything. Year two, and even year three for me.... people ( family especially!!) assuming and commenting on how I should be back to "normal" now that the estate and business matters are mostly settled. The constant feeling of being tired....of everything. Tired of people, tired of the day to day, tired of pushing forward, Seeing someone who looks like your husband...Oh, boy. The Flip or Flop Show on HGTV. Several friends have told me D looks like Tarek. And he does, eerily in fact. I find myself watching the show just because of that. Waking up in the middle of the night with a panic attack. Oh, yes. There are certain family members I would love to send this blog to, but I feel like my grief is past the expiration date in their eyes. It would only make the situation worse I am certain. Thanks for the sharing this.

anniegirl, I agree entirely with you. Restaurant gatherings vs home gatherings is exactly one of the solutions I am considering. And yes, I am guilty of avoidance somewhat. The kids and I are leaving town for Christmas to go see my sister so at least then I won't have to deal. We did that last year, too. Unfortunately, the dynamics of our family situation is never going to be ideal. I recognized that very early on and it gave me pause in pursuing the relationship. I even mentioned it to G, saying more or less, wow, our kids are so different... I just can't see them ever hanging out or really having much in common. His answer was that kids grow up...and leave home, and that ours were at the age where that was soon to be a reality. Yes, true, but it would still be wonderful to have a bit of a cohesive and congenial group who enjoy spending time together. And thanks for the compliment on my kids. They have their issues, too, believe me!! But I will say that they have had to grow up and get over themselves the past three years in order to move forward. No choice! I'm sure others on the board would say the same about their kids.

anniegirl, thanks for your thoughts on this. Our kids were raised differently for one thing. G's ex did not believe in discipline. Their parenting styles were just one of the factors in their divorce. After the split, G's daughter stopped the weekend visits to G entirely as he had rules as to when she needed to be home, who she hung out with, school attendance, etc. So, he had very little contact with her during her early and later teen years. She was smoking at 13 and became pregnant at 15. A string of loser boyfriends followed, and still does, now that she is 21. Her six year old son is a complete terror. G's son is hopefully headed down a better path as he does spend considerable time with G, but he is somewhat antisocial with very few interests, gets in trouble at school, is extremely obstinate and angers easily. G gets no cooperation from his ex in dealing with these issues. She will say "black" to his "white" everytime. So, Thanksgiving is coming. What to do. I had TG at my house last year and invited his kids. I have no idea what to do this year. It just was not a pleasant day. His grandson terrorized our dog, tore my house apart between meltdowns and G "tackling" him on the floor repeatedly to try to contain him a bit. G's daughter barely spoke two words to me the whole day, offered me no help, disappeared outside to smoke every 30 minutes, and rolled her eyes everytime her boyfriend opened his mouth. They bickered back and forth throughout the entire day. The boyfriend lacked basic manners and made obnoxious comments all day. G's son ate dinner silently and disappeared before dinner was finished to play video games by himself. It was apparent my kids did not enjoy the day, but tried to be philosophical about it for my sake. My oldest son, said, "Wow, little bit rough of a Thanksgiving, huh, Mom!" My other two kids asked if we could " maybe not do this next year." G was embarrassed I could tell, and also mentioned it being an exhausting day. Yep, to say the least. It was exhausting and unpleasant, It took me a week to recuperate. Ugh. I love him, but not his baggage. Truly an issue if we are to move forward.

Interesting reading everyone's thoughts on this. It is truly awesome how it can come together so well for some people. It just seems so hard to me. Everything... the finances, the kids, his ex, and simply the the day to day. I actually see the kids as the biggest issue. I have to say, he is wonderful in so many ways, and I feel selfish to say he is so much better with my baggage than I am with his. It keeps me from moving forward. I hear about others and how well their kids all get along, but it truly concerns me that my three kids ( one older teen and two early 20's) have nothing in common with his kids, roughly in the same age brackets. I mean, NOTHING in common. Night and day in lifestyles.( I will just leave it at that! ) I just can't begin to even see them as step-siblings. Sharing holidays and birthdays together? Wow. The thought of it is just weird. I am not sure where to go from here, because I truly love him after 2 1/2 years, and he very much wants to move forward. I feel stuck and it sucks to think this may be as far as we go.

Brenda, please don't hurt yourself. When you have those urges replace them with something else. Think about something else that would give you comfort in the moment. Get on this board. Call someone. Call a hotline if you can't think of someone to call. Looking at those scars is not going to give you comfort in the long run. I am at three years. Sometimes I feel like my growth and progress are maxed out. I was doing so well in everyone's eyes for so long. I just kept moving and doing. ( although I felt like i was faking it) Now, I am just tired of trying. I am struggling to figure out what is next. My anxiety is back with vengeance. So, I just go a day at a time. I do and accomplish just the smallest thing each day if I can. If I can't, I try not to beat myself up at the end of the day. The next day I try again. After weeks, when I look back, I do see that I have progressed, and I maybe I am not such a loser. Maybe I am ok. It is hard work, and I get pissed off all the time. Seems like people, things, and circumstances just keep blocking my path. But I will just keep moving forward as I am able. It sucks, but we have to hang in there. Please, just take baby steps. I think it will get better for you, too.