kjs1989

Love that. Wow.

Insightful reflections for sure. I especially get what you said about being alone to process grief. I need that alone and down time, too. Sometimes I feel like I want to run from my grief, but I think my alone time is beneficial for moving forward and achieving balance in the day to day. Thanks for sharing.

Wow, I understand. It is brutal when it hits, isn't it? I have been there myself lately. Really there. I feel like I have been making progress for so long, and now after three years this month, I feel like I am just maxed out and this may be as good as it gets. That scares me. I am even wondering if maybe I should talk to my doctor about medication. I have been taking xanax for sleep again and occasionally druing the day, which I had pretty much weaned myself off of a year ago. Fall has always been a sort of melancholy time of year for me, although it was D's favorite time of year, as he was an outdoorsman and waterfowl hunter. There is so much irony in him dying during his favorite time of year doing his very favorite activity. And now the holidays are upon us and all the family pressure that goes with that. Just "blech."

I don't post often, but I read all the time. The "like" is great for, as others said, letting others know you hear them and validate their thoughts, but perhaps have nothing to add because they have said it all so well. But the count bar is just goofy and unnecessary. Sort of makes it seem like a popularity contest and yes, "facebooky".

Mizjsea, I am so sorry. I also lost my husband suddenly, too, but to an accident, not an illness. Three years ago this month. I can so relate to what you said about your husband just being plucked from the planet. Wow, so true. I had three teenagers at the time. I still find myself taking life one day at a time. I just don't plan ahead much these days. It still feels very surreal to me most of the time. I wake up and go, "Wow, D died. WTF happened to my charmed life?? And yes, my mission, too, has been to make D proud. My kids come first in all of my decisions, but I realized early on that I needed to put my "oxygen mask" on and survive, and even thrive, in order for them to be ok. The four of us have come a long ways. I think D would indeed be proud.

Maureen, I am so very sorry you have gone through this brutality twice. It is effing unbelievable. I can't even imagine this feeling of emptiness (that I still feel after three years this month) doubled. I am just so sorry.

OMG, Trying, I think I would have spit on her hand.

All of these posts are gems. Here are a few of mine. At the visitation: The random guy who asked me, 'Wow, when did he get so gray??" The neighbor who said," I'm going to take you out and get you drunk tonight!" A couple of days after the funeral: The friend of his who asked, " I'd like to have the first opportunity to buy his boat." Same guy said, "I'll bet he was really scared right before the accident." One week after the funeral: The friend who came to visit and cheerfully asked me, " So, are you doing better?" One year after the funeral: My dad was dying and as I became emotional over further loss, my brother told me in no uncertain terms, "This is about Dad now, not D!"

Yes, I have lost some friends, mostly those that were D's friends first, and I met them through him. They are gone. Others, where the women and I were good friends as well as being couple friends, have stayed by me. But, what people are saying about relatives, especially inlaws, is so true. I really believe now that D is gone his brother and wife consider me an outsider. They never bothered to let me know a beloved aunt of my husband's had died so I could attend the funeral. BIL even went so far as to tell someone (who told me) that I am not a (insert married name), but my kids are, because they are blood. Unbelievable. I confronted him and he didn't deny saying it, but merely downplayed it.

I really, really like him. I thought he was so full of himself back during the Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas hearings. Not sure what that was about, but I have changed my impression of him completely. When I heard him speak to military families about the loss of his wife and baby daughter, I was forever changed in how I looked at him. He is genuine. He was here in Iowa a few years ago, hugging people in the crowd right and left, big goofy smile on his face. He made everyone in the crowd feel good to be there. Go Joe!!

I am so sorry to all those having to find their way here. And some deal with double and even triple whammies of loss which is beyond brutal.. I felt like I pretty much led a very charmed life until October 20th, 2012. No more. I still have many middle aged friends who have not experienced any sort of major loss in their lives beyond an elderly aunt or grandparent. As I have found out, even the best meaning people cannot truly empathize unless they have walked this path.

My husband dragged me to our attorney shortly after we were married ( 1989) to write our wills. I sure didn't think much of it at the time. He had his will revised several times as his estate grew and our business expanded over the years. I am so grateful he was on top of it. Twenty years ago he completely bought his brother out of the family business very generously and then proceeded to grow it from a small fledgling company into an extremely successful enterprise. When he died his brother insisted D's intent and their dad's intent was for the business to eventually "come back to all of us" or "come full circle," whichever phrase he cared to use on any given day. He argued repeatedly with my attorney about it. He went so far as to say I was not a ( insert married name) so the business should be in his hands, as he is blood and I am not. It was quite unbelievable, but he did all of this with a straight and earnest face, so I was never quite sure if he was conniving or just really clueless. My attorney said he was in "lala land," set him straight, and the ironclad will proceeded into probate without a hiccup. Crazy.

mawidow, I could have written your post. It is so weird, this relationship thing. I am doing it and it is working, but I often still find myself wondering how the hell I got to this place. WTF happened to my life? Who IS this guy who loves me so completely and unconditionally now?? This widow thing I have going on doesn't bother him. He is so different from D, but quite awesome in his own right. He is certanly not without flaws, but wow, neither was D!! In some ways, Mr. Chapter 2 and I are more compatible than D and me. But D and I had a history of four years of dating, 23 years of marriage, and three kids. There is no way to compete with that. So, I have just accepted that love the 2nd time around is just going to feel a whole lot different than the first time. It just is. I am not going to throw it away, but I will just stay the course and appreciate what he is bringing to my life. Yet, I feel confused because I know I am not fully giving to him what he is giving to me. There are still times I just want him to go home after spending a good deal of time together. I still need down time from our relationship. We have been together 2 1/2 years, yet I am not ready for him to sell his house and move in with me. I am certainly not ready to be engaged or marry him. I hope I can get to that place sometime because he is amazing in so many ways. I started seeing him only a few months after D died. Maybe too soon to some people, but no regrets because he helped me to want to live life and be there fully for my kids. That was my goal at the time and he has been stellar in that role I must say. I think we just have to proceed as we have been, realize, and appreciate that the human heart is amazingly capable of adapting and loving in an infinite fashion. There are no rules, thankfully, and time is a friend.

It's all very discouraging and beyond comprehension. This is such a violent world that it hard to be optimistic a lot of days. I will never understand human heartlessness and cruelty, and it has been in our world since the beginning of mankind. Gives me anxiety.

I am so sorry, Jen. That void and emptiness is a constant in my life, too. I temper it with a day a time mentality. Even the times I am relatively content and optimistic it is there. I just wonder if it will always be with me. Part of it comes from the feeling of being pulled further and further from D as my life and the kids' lives move forward without him. It sucks.

I made sure I got a fairly decent feel for a guy before we met for coffee or a drink through considerable back and forth dialogue. Once I knew his last name, I went to my state's online court site and plugged in his name. It was free. What a wealth of information! Divorces, speeding tickets, lawsuits, collections, drug charges, drunken driving, domestic abuse... all there for my inquiring mind! I was so surprised at the the domestic abuse charges against a couple of guys. I don't care what THEIR side of the story was, it wasn't worth my time to fine out. Not going to mess with that. Just NO. Same with drunk driving. No tolerance. The guy I am with came back clean. One speeding ticket ten years ago. His divorce was listed. That's it. He truly was who he said he was. I am very lucky.

I am so sorry, Jen. That is so how it works. I myself am queen of using the distraction method to cope with my grief. Doesn't work all that well, really. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I am just overcome with a sinking, empty, lonely feeling. I truly can't believe this is my life. I think that is why I don't cry very often. It is just all too big. In between, I just keep trudging ahead finding bits of contentment and sometimes happiness here and there. Sometimes I feel like I am faking it 24/7. It scares me a bit.

I think what everyone has said here is absolutely true. We all have probably learned things about our spouses since their death. Oh, how I would LOVE to have a conversation with him now. In my case, it was not a secret email account, but it was financial. He had loaned a huge (HUGE!) amount of money to his brother over the course of about ten years. Now I understand why his brother was so alarmed about my husband's accountants "going through files which are none of their business." I have never gotten a straight answer from Brother as to why he borrowed so much money or why D loaned it to him. Brother certainly doesn't/didn't need appear to need the cash. He even bought a second home with the money, which I figured out from my own investigation! Meanwhile, when I would mention to D that we should think about getting a different car, fixing something in the house, or taking a vacation, the answer was ," No, we really need to watch our money right now."

Yep, I get this. You have more insight than me in thinking that, just as you, they have the right to re-adapt their lives since their loss to suit them. I never looked at it that way before. Still... it sucks and seems so unfair. And no one, no matter how empathetic, supportive, and close to our spouses they were, can truly relate and comprehend this loss to the degree we, as widows and widowers experience it. They just can't. And sometimes I wonder if maybe there is a bit of weird resentment on their part? Which is why they leave us out sometimes? I don't know. Just a thought. I am really think of D's brother and wife here. They were very resentful and seemingly jealous of the support I received after D died. His brother even said, " Everyone seems to forget I lost a brother. All they care about are you and the kids." So how did they handle it?? They back-stabbed me, undermined me, and tried to make me appear incompetent by talking about me to others with regard to the decisions I was making in terms of my financial and business matters and my personal life. They made sure I was unaware of family get-togethers on D's side, contacted my kids but not me, and even "forgot" to tell me a beloved aunt died so I could attend her funeral on D's behalf and pay my respects to D's side of the family. Yep, great times.

Haaa, that is really funny and cute. She definitely cares about you; that's obvious and heartwarming. She starts out okay for the most part, but then it goes downhill from there! Kind of reminds me of a birthday card I remember, where the writer is having a drink or two in honor of the recipient's birthday, but the writing and grammar quickly disintegrate as he continues to express his birthday wishes while imbibing!

I think you have made good, sound decision, and one for future stability, comfort, and safety for your kids. I have found if my kids are happy and content, I am okay, too. You may be surprised about the career opportunities in your hometown if you are open to possibilities. I grew up in a small town. Thinking about it, I know of several opportunities that would be ideal for someone with a law degree. You never know!

Yuck. I am so sorry. I was married for 23 years, too. I had a guy friend ( a friend's ex-husband in fact) try to weasel his way into my life after D died. He and D were friends, too. We have known each other for years. Offered to come over and fix stuff all the time. Said some things to try and make me think he was being so sympathetic and helpful, but he was just not a very good actor and I could see his agenda. Yucky. Sad part is, he is a fun guy and good friend in other circumstances, so why did he have to ruin it? Made me see him in another light entirely. Please know there are good guys out there. I found one. It may take a few false starts, but keep your senses on high alert and you will be ok. He may not be very much like your husband ( my guy sure isn't!) but he will be sincere in his intent. You will know.

I haven't posted or been on the forum for a long time. Have just been in a weird place with my life in a lot of respects. Feeling like at this point I should be moving past active grief at close to three years, but having some really bad days mixed in with some pretty decent days. Just not in touch with what I was feeling or even how to express that, where to go, what to do. Not sure of what I need, or how to keep moving forward, Just sort of stuck. Not sure of what my kids need at this point either, or how to help them move forward. Sometimes I just try to stay so busy and so distracted that I can disconnect from grief, but then of course, it finds me on the "down" days. So I read this thread and could instantly relate about second thoughts with a relationship. I started dating very early. That, too, was mostly a distraction thing. I needed to get off the corner of the sofa, Live life a bit, learn to smile again, have something to look forward to, just someone nice and normal to hang out with now and then. I was really fortunate and almost from the get-go I met a good guy. He has been stellar, I would say. Divorced for seven years, so plenty of time to work through those issues. He is an good dad to his grown daughter and teenage son. He has held down the same job for many years. He owns his home and is financially responsible. He helps me immensely with stuff around the house, a real fix-it sort of guy He is there for whatever my kids need. Move my son home from college? No problem. Move my daughter to college? No problem.Come over in the middle of the night because I heard a noise in the basement? Yep, he comes right over. We like to do the same things: boating, biking, wine, traveling, good food, city lights, theater. I am very attracted to him. The list goes on. In many ways, he and I are more compatible than D and I were. That shakes me up a bit to think about, but D an I had 23 years together to find our groove. So... how come I can't move forward in this relationship? It's been 2 1/2 years. He loves me beyond measure. I love him, too. He would marry me tomorrow. It just scares me to death. So I do nothing to help the relationship grow or progress. I don't want to live together. I don't want to get engaged. I just find myself wondering if this is it, if it stops here for me. I am plagued by doubts. So, I have no advice to give here, but many of you have given good words of advice and wisdom, and it is so helpful to read your posts. It is reassuring to know others struggle too, and many of you have figured it out, and were able to move forward. Gives me hope. I don't want to throw a really good thing away.

A Tout Jamais, you are absolutely correct. It is not really at all about being selfish. It is truly about self-preservation and survival mode When I think about it, everything, and I mean everything I have done and all the decisions I have made have all been toward that end. I am sure this is true for all of us. And first and foremost for me, I need to survive so my kids can survive, come out on the other side, and hopefully even flourish! The bottom line is everything I do, every decision I have made, every tear I have shed, every joy that comes my way, is about them now. We have a right to be frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and at times angry by others simplification, judgment, and second guessing of our decisions, rationality, emotional state, and behaviors when we are doing the absolute best we can to survive for ourselves and our immediate family.

Hi, I am KJS1989. I don't post as often as I did on the old board, but I read everything, and I am often awestruck by by the insightful and beautiful posts people write. There are so many great writers and thinkers on this board who express their thoughts in ways that strike such an accord with me that I read them over and over again. Another widow in my area reached out to me shortly after D's death in October of 2012 and told me about this board. I am so glad she did. I had no idea where to turn, but relating to others going through this hell has helped immensely. My husband D was 50 years old. He was one of those guys who seemed to have an "orbit" around him, and everyone wanted to be in that orbit with him. He was a successful small business owner and much loved boss to 100 employees who thought the world of him. He was a "best friend" to the many guys he worked with, golfed with, fished with, hunted with, and volunteered with. He was a wonderful son and brother. He was absolutely my best friend and the love of my life for almost 30 years. And most importantly, he was without a doubt the best and most loving father to our three teenagers. In the early morning hours of October 20th, 2012, D left to go duck hunting on opening day with six buddies. I rolled over in bed to see him opening a package of new wool socks at 5:00a.m. I fell back to sleep and woke about eight or so. I did my usual morning routine, had coffee and went to pick up my 15 year old daughter from a sleepover at around 10:15. She asked me if Dad was home. I said, no, that he was duck hunting. I drove the few blocks home, and then went to my room to take a shower. At 10:50 or so my daughter knocked at my bedroom door. She told me two men were at the door asking for me. Since it was close to election time, I assumed that were stumping for a political candidate, so I told her to tell them her mom was busy, She said, "They have badges." I threw some clothes on, left my hair wet and went to the door. There were two somber men with badges standing there. One explained they were from the county ( never said the words "coroner's office") and asked to come in and talk to me. I asked for ID. My only bizarre thought was that D had been arrested. I still hesitated about letting them come in. I just couldn't get my brain around who they might be, or why they were there. They asked again to come in. I led them to the living room where my daughter was watchfully sitting in the corner of the sofa. I stood looking at them. The man doing all the speaking kneeled on the floor before me and began telling me about an accident in which the boat my husband was riding in on the Mississippi River hit a channel marker in the darkness and fog killing two of the six men. He never outwardly told me D had been killed or was dead. I said...."are you telling me... he is dead??" He said, "I am sorry." In that moment my world crashed. I looked at my daughter on the sofa and she started to sob. The officer asked me if I needed to make some calls. I calmly said, "Yes." I grabbed my cell and began making calls. And nobody, nobody would answer their cells. Frantically, I hit redial again and again until finally reaching his brother, then my sister, then my best friend. and most horrifically my sons away at college. Word traveled quickly and within 30 minutes the house was full of people. So, here I am 2 1/2 years later, simply picking up the pieces of what was a pretty much charmed life prior to October 20th, 2012. At times, I am so still utterly confounded beyond belief how this could possibly have happened to my and my kids' lives. My husband died doing something "safe." For all intents and purposes what he was doing that morning should have been safe. He was with guys who were experienced duck hunters and boaters. They knew the river. They had been out there 100's of times before. I feel like complacency and assumptions killed D. It still makes me so very angry at times. He was sort of that kind of guy in life, and at times it made me crazy. Always assuming things would just work out, at times patronizing and brushing aside about my concerns about safety and caution whether it be his multitasking and distracted driving, working on the roof of the house, his adrenalin and testosterone fueled play activities (dirt biking, ATVing. snowmobiling ) or any of the other numerous work and recreational pursuits his type A personality led him to toward. But, that was him and I loved him beyond measure. Whether we have lost our loves suddenly through illness, suicide, accident, or agonizingly slowIy, I am so grateful to all of you on this board for sharing your path. Thank you.