kjs1989

I am so sorry, Jess. I totally get this. When Boz dies it will be so awful for the kids and me. He is such a connection to D, as he was really his hunting companion and even slept by his side of the bed.

Amazing. My BIL actually told someone this in reference to me making business decisions in our family company that my husband previously made: "Well, she is not even a (insert married name) so she should not be making decisions!" What?? We were married for 23 years and I am not family?? I was so stunned by that comment that it took months before I could even confront him regarding it.

Yeah, I don't blame you for being nervous. Like a lot of communitites these days, our school does an after prom party until 2 in the morning. It is a ton of work for volunteer parents and the planning starts in September. Well worth it though, with really cool prizes like electronics, college gear, gift cards, etc. There is entertainment like a hypnotist, carnival type games, inflatables, and of course, food. Kids being kids, they still want to go somewhere with their friends afterward; they want to make it an all night event. So a lot of parents agree to host and end up with a house full of kids camped out on the floor. There is really no "party hopping" anymore around here, thankfully. I would ask lots of questions about who, what, and when. Don't be afraid to touch base with parents of her friends. Sometimes I found out they knew things my kids had not told me. And I think if it was my daughter I would make her check in with me every hour with a text. And yeah, since nothing is planned, I agree 1:00 should be the curfew, unless she plans to spend the night with a friend, but make sure that is verified with those parents and they are on the same page about curfew. Every hour thereafter just presents more time for boredom to set in and dumb decisions to be made.

This all breaks my heart. By far, this is has been the most god-awful aspect of losing D. Bring it on to me. I can take it. It is brutal, but I can take it. But why the ef did my kids have to lose their amazing dad?? Their pain is excruciating to me. I want to fix it. I can't. And when my divorced friend, whom I love dearly but has an ex fully involved in their kids' lives, remarks that our losses are similar, all I can offer is a wan smile.

My husband's estate was huge and complicated plus we owned a business. He had his hands in everything. It has literally cost me thousands in legal fees to sort it all out. I used to worry what I would do if he should die. Now I know; I write checks. Thankfully, I have an excellent attorney who doesn't miss a beat and is one step ahead all of the way. But, wow, it sure adds up at $350.00 an hour. And 3 1/2 years later it is not over yet. Ugh.

marjoe, I got that, too. My husband's brother told many people (who asked me if it was true) that I would no doubt move to Colorado to live close to my sister. A few people remarked that it was too bad my parents were so elderly, otherwise I could move back home. I have lived 300 miles away from my parents for 25 years. It is perfectly okay to want to be with family after this loss and move closer, if that is what we choose. Absolutely. It is just the assumptive attitude that that is what we should do, as if we have no life otherwise.

Wow, Mrs. T85, this is really bad. Truly offensive to offer that question as "small talk."

I like this section. It never ceases to amaze what humans say in reaction to grief. I have a minor in behavioral science so maybe that is why I find it so fascinating. Sometimes I think back to this gem when a childhood friend found out about D's death: "Wow, must suck to be you." Yeah, ya think??

Trying, you are exactly right. There is no "one size fits all." I have two trusts set up for my kids. One is a life insurance trust, the other is inherited money from my husband's aunt. The kids can have that money when they are 35 and are hopefully established in their lives and past the point of making dumb decisions. lol. It will also protect them in an early divorce situation. There are lots of advantages to trusts. It also simplifies the probate process. I actually nagged my NG to do the same for his kids, Death taught me a lot. NG did not even have a will. He had not even changed his work life insurance policy to his kids as beneficiaries. He did have a will drawn up finally, but I also talked him into doing a trust so his ex-wife would not have access to the money going to his minor son, and so his daughter's loser boyfriend could not get his hands on her share. He asked me to be the trustee. We love and trust each other, but our priorities are our kids right now and we agree on that. Crap happens and other people try to get involved as I learned when D died, and his brother thought he had better ideas on how things should play out with the company and other interests he wanted to involved himself in. I also realize that if our relationship is to progress we will need to protect and provide for each other as well as our kids. That's where it gets very complicated and I am just not sure how to do that at this point, since our finances are somewhat disparate. Hopefully time will help sort it all out.

Rob, There must be lots of nutso women out there, too. I know NG talks about all the unstable women he encountered in the six years of dating after his divorce. Just as many flaky women as guys I guess. Such a drag.

I admire all of you who are making decisions and figuring this stuff out. I own my house. No mortgage. He owns a house he bought back in the divorce. He has a sizeable mortgage. My house is worth three times the value of his house. I also own a company. And some land. If we progress, no brainer he will move here. But then what?? My attorney keeps reminding me to pay him a visit before I make any major life decisions and start divvying up the financial stuff. So... I just don't make any decisions at all. *sigh*

Captain's Wife, Blech. I am with you on the early sex talk. What the hell? If you're both on the same page, whatever, but you would think guys would be able to "read" a woman a bit and rein it in if he is getting signals she is not on the same page. And he is a widower?? Double blech. You'd think he may have bit more intuitive understanding than your average Joe.

How awful. I am so sorry to hear of yet one more tragedy.

Thoughts with all of you. Anxiety is my biggest issue. It is worse than it was the first, second, and third year. I think the first year I was numb from shock, the second year I was focused on rebuilding, the third year I was trying to settle into a "new normal," Now, well into my fourth year I am going, WTF?? What do I do for the next 20-30 years?? I worry about everything, particularly the happiness, safety and well being of my kids. Losing D in a freakish accident only taught me how vulnerable life and our happiness is, and that it can all change in a millisecond. I try to be rational in my thoughts but easier said than done.

My kids were in their teens when I lost D 3 1/2 years ago. It has been very tough dealing with their angst, but my heart so goes out to those of you with young children. It must be completely and utterly overwhelming. Family can be helpful, but it is no substitute for a spouse and co-parent. Bless you.

When I first started the online thing it was more about just meeting people, connecting, living life, and just getting off the corner of the sofa where I had sat practically catatonic for three months after D died. I really think it is better to just keep your options open rather than immediately try to focus in on one person. I am still friends with three guys I met online. We were not cut out for a love match but we did connect in other ways. One gave my son a summer job and I helped him make some business connections, another ( an accountant) advised me on some business decisions, and another, a widower and coach, steered me through some really dark moments with thoughtful advice on helping my teenage sons through grief, and I, likewise, helped him with issues concerning his 12 year old daughter. I did eventually find someone I felt I had the most common ground with from both a pragmatic (!) and a chemistry standpoint, and we have been together three years.

Wow, CW, I am exhausted for you! Sounds kind of fun, though. I'm pulling for #2. Keep us in the loop!

Oh, sooo spot on, Mrs Dan!!

So Portside, if you are drinking...or lonely...or hormonal....it is all okay?? But, say she has been drinking...or lonely...or hormonal.... well then, she is a SLUT!!! And your friends are all gonna hear about it??? Just ugh.

Yeah, I don't think I would have stuck with Match either it it had not been for all the success stories with friends and acquaintances that made me persistent. I just want to nod my head at what everyone is saying here. The scams, the pervs, the losers, the ones who contact you months and months later after going "poof" or after clearly not being a good match. Ugh. Here is a crazy success story: I have two very good friends, both divorced after horrible marriages, who met on Match ten years ago. My female friend absolutely refused to do a profile, wanted nothing to do with it. But, she did peruse the male profiles with a friend and took an interest in one particular guy. His profile name contained a four digit number, so she assumed perhaps it was his home phone number (What are the chances it was not a cell??) and went through the phone book for hours until she found a name and address with that number. She wrote him a letter. He responded. They met. Her name is Kathy. He was dating two other Kathys at the time. It was not long until he was dating one Kathy---her. They have been married seven years now, managed to combine their families beautifully, and are one of the happiest couples I know. Lucky them!

I am so very sorry, Tatiana. Everything you said takes me back three years. The panic in the grocery store about a week after his death when I finally ventured out of the house for the first time after the funeral. Oh, yes. I felt completely out of body. All the people wandering around with their carts like zombies. I thought I was in another world. It was all very surreal. My sister was with me. I started to hyperventilate in the check-out line while the cashier made small talk to the customer in front of us. Horrible. My sister saw it coming on and told the cashier we needed to check out quickly and be on our way. Also, driving... I did not drive myself anywhere for several months because I could not focus. I know I would have had a panic attack in the car. It was a very gradual thing. I drove a few blocks here and there. Gradually, I began to function just a bit better and could get myself places. Please, don't be afraid to do whatever you need to do to survive at this point. My doctor put me on Xanax which was a lifesaver for me. I still am prone to anxiety which I never dealt with before in my life. Now, if I feel uneasy I take 1/2 a pill, not every day, but it has helped me to function and live life and I am not afraid to admit it.

Rob, I didn't feel right ignoring people--- and to be honest, the slew of "incoming" was overwhelming and I just didn't want to deal once the creepos came into the mix. They ruined the fun to be honest, and made me uneasy, but yet I still was open to meeting a nice person, if just as a new friend. I was lucky, I will admit. I think the hidden profile may be more likely to work for a gal than a guy because most people understand a woman's concerns about privacy and safety and might take a chance. And who knows, I may have missed out on meeting some nice guys, too.

The on-line thing is rough for sure. I ended up hiding my profile so I could have complete control on who I communicated with. Got weary of the weirdos very quickly. Not everyone will bite of course, but it was a chance I was willing to take. It worked out quite well actually, and that is how I met NG. I just went for someone that I was mildly attracted to, was employed, and could write a sentence decently. We laugh now, because of course guys are very visual, so when he received my email with the tiny picture that was still visible even with the hidden profile, he did all he could do to blow it up for a better look! After a couple of emails I played fair and emailed him some photos. I know it is discouraging. I think I was willing to keep at because I knew of several friends with success stories, so I knew it could be done. I do think demographics and geography play into it, and that was a bit rough for me because the area where I live can be slim pickins' for educated, up and coming types! Ha. I had better luck when I looked toward the Chicago area, but a situation like that was just not going to work for me distance wise at that point. I think what we need to remember is, we are nice people, that means there are other nice people out there looking for us! We just have to find each other and it is hard! NG had his horror stories, too. He told me about being catfished twice, hook, line, and sinker! But, thankfully, he also kept at it with an open ( if at times discouraged) mind and eventually we found each other. Hang in there!

Oh, no! , I just realized I posted in the wrong thread. The above post was supposed to go in On-line Dating Vents! I have no idea how to delete it or move it! I will keep trying! Sorry!!!

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