sojourner

Hopes and prayers for the results, Carey, and peace for your heart as you wait to find out your results. Waiting, in my experience, can be virtually unbearable.

Hope that link comes thru. All due sympathies and apologies to elf fans!

Sometimes I wear mine just as it is, on my left hand, because it simply feels natural. Sometimes I wear it so I can "pass" as just a regular married person. Sometimes I wear it as an homage to my life as a wife. Sometimes as a denial of my status as a widow. And sometimes I leave it at home, as I work through this widda-thing. At some point, I think I want to re-size it wear on my right hand, when I've more or less finished processing and reconciled my past and my present, to whatever degree that's possible. But for whatever reason, at this point anyway, I don't want to alter it and I don't want to put it away, either. Still working through it, I guess.

Amen! Preach it, Brother Rob!! Our "special sauce" is that LH was very lenient and undermined me a lot, and didn't see the need to reinforce little, insignificant things like respect and cooperation. Adds that little extra "tang" to life now. :-\ Sympathies, and I hope you can get things going more smoothly!

It sounds like it was a lovely day. Its good to hear how folks further down this road are working through the new family dynamics and realities that come about from losing our spouses.

Carey, may you be granted the endurance to get thru the rest of these really tough days. Peace to you as you figure out your path. None of this is easy!!

Whoa- that's one mixed up place! I've had the odd inappropriate (like in a widda-predatorial/exploitive manner) encounter where I live, but that takes the cake. Hope you can figure out an effective, proactive way to address the kind of harassment going on!

Wow! Ya mean the Alice's Restaurant on Thanksgiving is still a "thing" that not just LH remembered?!? Yep, on the agenda tomorrow, and hope to be able to just suck it up and get thru it the best possible! Not Thanksgiving without that, and the Wizard of Oz on dvd.... But yet now has that painful edge. So many mixed feels.

You and your family are in my heart during this especially devastatingly flashback-triggering time! Sometimes all a person can (and/or possibly should for basic emotional survival??) do is keep putting one foot in front of the other that day, dealing with one day- maybe even one second- at a time. Sometimes I just have to block out any thought of any other day/moment/triggering event coming up. Not so good for long-term planning, but at times breaking my life down to each moment as it comes, and dealing with the emotion of that individual day as it unfolds, is the only way to keep any version whatsoever of sanity. (Not that I make any great claims of personal sanity.) As to feeling that you own the guilt you feel, well- personally, I really don't agree with that. He was a full-grown adult. It isn't, in my opinion, reasonable to hold oneself responsible for the decisions another makes. A person may have input, but the degree to which that can even influence, to say nothing of control, their partner is strictly the domain of that individual. That idea of control is, IMO, a mere illusion/delusion. No matter how much a person wants it, they only have control over their own decisions/reactions. That doesn't even assume control over the *outcomes* of their *own* personal decisions, just of making a decision to the best of their judgement at that moment of time, within the limitations of their knowledge of that slice of time. Anyway, sorry for rambling on- peace and comfort to you in this time!

Let the camaraderie do its' work, and release your training to your muscle memory. You know what to do. Release that. Yeah, the instinct to call in to home/her. Get that. Any way to translate that to a moment of pause of some kind of acknowledgement? Personally, I have a faith where I work that through, but if you look at things a different way, I still think you need a way you recognize that feeling and then you make your passage through that. Don't fight it. Give it its' due. My own viewpoint, fwiw. Disregard if not beneficial.

Happy birthday, and I'm so sorry for how your loss of him resonates so closely with it. Recently had my second birthday post-loss. My oldest teen at home decided to "celebrate" with a hormonal meltdown over a misperception. So, yeah...

For me, sometimes the anticipation/dread of someting I'm out of practice on is the worse part. Once I actually get to it, it comes back- I think that's referred to as "muscle memory?" Something like that anyway. Once I'm actually back at it, then my confidence rebuilds. Much success to you, and hoping that you'll soon experience your love of flying again!

Thanks, everybody! It was the best decision not to take it on myself. It just sucks to feel helpless about something I think I should be able to do.

I feel for you! We designed our house here to be our dream home, where we'd live basically until we died. And LH did- just several decades sooner than pictured. While I still love it so much, it no longer works without him here, and I know I need to move closer to family & to job opportunities. I put it on the market last summer once some maintenance projects were completed, but it's a hard sell. It's towards the higher end for my area, since we put extras into the property with our long-term plans. Took it off the market for the school year, as I don't want a midyear school change for the kids. It goes back on in early spring, which is better timing. Breaks my heart, but it has to be done, so hopefully better luck this time. I know too I'll never have a house as great as this one is again, and it has so many memories, hopes and dreams. But then, it also holds the memories of the loss of those hopes and dreams along with memories of my LH's cancer diagnosis, decline, and then losing him.

I'm only 18 mo's out (as of tomorrow), but I think I'll always feel there's an empty space where LH should be; I've seen it compared to an amputation when you lose your spouse, and that's how I feel. I think a lot of us feel that way. I think you're brave for starting a new relationship. Not sure if I'll ever be able to risk loving someone again, knowing I could lose them too.

I agree. I have very little community support myself; my kids are older at least, but it's still hard for all of us.

I always greatly appreciate it when those like you who're much further down this road than myself come back and share your experiences and updates! Thank you!

All I can add is "yes" to this. :'(

Thanks, guys. I feel like I did the right thing since I don't think it's at all wise to take on significant power tools if you're having any misgiving, especially given I'm the sole surviving parent. I just really wanted to be independent & get this thing done. So think I used good judgment but yet disappointed.

Yes- platitudes suck and that's TRUTH. Been on both ends of them... of course have a different perspective now, but I know why people pull them out out because I've been guilty. And yes... On this end they still suck. I don't want in any way to not acknowledge or diminish that for your interaction with her, Jen.

Sounds like a waking nightmare. I'm sorry that it went down like that. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugly. :'( I'm sorry.

So, big, big windstorm midweek last week. I live on a small acreage with a little pasture. A medium-sized tree came down and landed on my fence. No animals there currently, so no emergency to clear it. I *know* how to use my chainsaw; I've just never used it by myself, alone. Today I decided I just wanted to get 'er done and clear it off. Went got fuel, changed into my lumberjane clothes, figured I'd have one of my teens go out and stand by in case of whatever.... And then chickened out. On one level I feel like I did the responsible thing- would I want to subject my kids to something if something went wrong? (Insert imagination running wild here.) On the other hand, I feel disappointed in myself for not getting a simple, basic thing done. Feeling discombobulated!! ??? I hate this! I guess I'll just hire it done and waste $$, as I don't know anyone I feel comfortable imposing on.

Awww, man -that's just terrible! I had a couple alpacas & goats until recently (sadly, had to re-home them as I'm planning a move where they can't go). Goats in particular have great personalities. I was really attached to mine- finding it like that would be horrible. It was hard enough finding two of my pet laying hens killed- heads gone. I found one dead in the coup so I reinforced the housing. Came out next morning to find the second casualty! I about lost it. Ironically, it turned out I trapped the killer- a raccoon- *inside* the coup hiding in the rafters when I did my reinforcing! :-[

So is there a turbo-like button on this thing? Darn technology...how to humanize it?!? Oh, well.

For myself, anyway, having hope sure doesn't mean excluding planning and working towards something, like just throwing pennies in a wishing well and waiting for something magical to happen. The idea that hope for the future would exclude effort to change things actually puzzles me. Hope for the future actually is a major motivator- part of what gives me desire to make plans and move forward into my new life. It gives me the thought that there's something more, better things that could lay beyond what I'm going through in this current, horrible time.