sojourner

I can only speak from my past experience of my marriage to LH; sorry if that's not helpful! Still, some concepts are fairly universal, IMO. So, when deciding whether to take the plunge (marriage with me in this case), LH had a talk with his mother, the sum of which boiled down to a genteel way of her telling him "**** or get off the pot." ;D The jist being, even indecision IS a decision, and it's best for all involved to make it consciously so every one can be on a path instead of spinning their wheels going nowhere indefinitely. Which path makes you feel like you're building something for your family? What's love worth to you? Is there a deal-killer that you sense holding you back? Don't know the answers for you! Just have my late MIL's words of wisdom, and she was no fool. Don't know if that's any help at all, but still, wishing you all the best, and peace with whatever you decide!!!

I'm so glad to know that you and your son are in a better life now, SimiRed! (Let's hear some self esteem working now, tho.... How 'bout not "just me"..... But, "here I am!" )

I'm so sorry, RI! Empathizing with the difficulty of having someone else in your family have a disease that's most likely to be terminal. I'm sorry it did come to pass.

Praying!!

Change is hard under even the best of circumstances, and generally even harder for those who've suffered great losses, such as we widowed folks. That being said, change can also be for the best as our lives change and evolve. It sounds like the change in personnel was tarnishing your work life there. I think it's great that you had another option open to you. Best wishes on your job and congrats especially on the pay raise !

Dang, that's one seriously rough situation all around. I'm so sorry! :'( To some extent, I can relate. Now with my older sister facing terminal cancer (barring a miraculous scientific breakthrough from a clinical trial she's in, but I can't even delude myself about that, as I've already lived that movie and it didn't end " ... and they lived happily ever after."), I have to bury my grief when around my family. So I'm kinda living the part about trying to be strong for your family, too. It sucks.

I think going into the deep grief for this was just a way to process your loss. Maybe inside you needed a catharsis of sorts? Nothing wrong with that. I think it's natural to process our grief anew in our own singular ways as we travel through different phases of our development as widowed individuals. On days which are of special significance to me, I do best if I consciously plan and mark the day/timeframe with, in my case, some flowers in a vase. In season (Midwest here), from my garden, otherwise even a modest few purchased blooms. For me, I really have to acknowledge what are my personal milestones in some concrete way, in order to fully process the waves that hit. Sometimes that involves sinking into the grief pretty deep, and other times just more of a fleeting acknowledgement thing. I think we do what we need to do at any given time, in order to go forward while still acknowledging our losses that've brought us to where we are at this moment in time. Peace to you!

I hear you! Wishing you peace.

Wow- that's fantastic! I'm trying to find things I can do to get my health going in the right direction. I need more exercise to deal with stress to avoid eating, but I screwed my knees up so bad while my husband was ill that I'm really limited to minor pool exercise. (Have had bilateral meniscus surgeries & a series of really fun knee injections with limited success; am putting off replacement surgeries as long as possible.) It's inspiring to see when folks are succeeding!!

No attempts at advice here, just empathy! Certain things I seem to be able to power through. However, I've got a standing list of things I apparently have a mental/emotional block about dealing with... some of which I can see why I avoid and others about which I really don't see why I can't just get 'er done. :-\

Today is his birthday, second one since his death. It's been a hard day, topping off a hard month. I just passed the 20-month mark a week and a half ago. That occurred the day after my father's funeral- at least my father got a long life, but still, visiting him in his final hours was SO triggering. (That my mom is acting openly relieved at his passing doesn't help, but I'm trying hard not to condemn that as the circumstances between my loss and hers are polar opposites.) Ya think you've survived Christmas & New Year's and then it's time at last to unwind, but no.... I've also lost an uncle and my two favorite aunts since LH died. That my oldest sister is on palliative care for incurable cancer further complicates emotions for both me and her/her DH/the whole extended family. Other junk, relating to raising teens/young adults, also heaps crap on the manure pile. I'm so tired. Feeling completely wrung out and needed to write it out to help process it all. :'(

That's a great picture of him! Happy and vibrant. I hope at some point down the road the birthdays get easier. I'm definitely not there yet though. Wishing for peace for you this day.

No words of wisdom of any sort, but just want to say I hear and support you. I hope for continuing endurance and strength for you during this extremely intense time, and also peace and hope and health for your tomorrows...

Well, I for one will rest easier tonight, secure in the knowledge that the world is now saved! Glad you guys had a fun get-together!

My LH's second is also coming up shortly, and I hear you.

Congratulations, and wishing you both a long and happy life together!

I'm not even 2 years out so not as time-qualified as others, but still wanted to let you know you're heard. I know I have a whole lot more to work through and reconcile in my being. And I think most of us do experience how we also lost our own existences, as we knew them, when our loved one perished. For myself, I think its good to express those experiences of grief and find ways to articulate them in a group like this which *knows* those things of loss, as you did, instead of stuff them down.

Oh, sweetie- just want to say, you do no wrong, and you break no vows in this. Therefore, while I empathize with your mixed feelings, in all truth there's honestly not any call for guilt, and I truly hope you can let go of any feelings of that. You do no wrong in desiring you be granted a new life partner. If anything, it honors your life with your Alex, and I mean that. It doesn't mean you're forgetting him in any way. I think it's a good thing, and add my prayers to yours for the desires of your heart.

I feel heart-sick for the trauma you experienced and how the memories from this anniversary have hit you now. There's no longer even the initial element of shock to numb the gut-punch any longer. Peace to you, Carey, and hopes for better days- despite that seeming beyond possibility when waves like this come crashing down on you. :'(

Torn, I'm so sorry for the way things are going. Hoping things come to a resolution soon; this sure can't go on indefinitely. You're entitled to run your home your way. And by all means, your dogs stay!

Ah. The start of my "TOTES" logical "I want a divorce from my now-dead husband even tho I consciously decided not to seek divorce when he was alive" stage. In my case, rooted in repercussions to me from his undermining me as a parent when he was alive. He was Peter Pan. Parental organization and cooperation had turned out to not be his thing after all, despite our talking pre-marriage-and-baby-carriage. Still working thru it and it hinders my grief process of losing the other parts of him, where he was my friend and lover. My opinion- respect and find some way to regularly take a moment to acknowledge your feelings in whatever way you can, and don't ignore them. I find that I process things a bit at a time, as the needs of my family mean I often have to maintain my mask of being okay. (In the early days, before I was able to form a mask, my kids did poorly in response to my shock and loss- lots pre-existing depression/ADHD/anxiety in some of my children even before crisis hit.) Just my experiences, but to the original question about the normality of your experience? Oh, heck yeah.

What a sorrowful thing. :'( My heart hurts at the anniversary-time of your loss.

Oooh, no. Nobody needs any of this even at the best of times. Trauma piling on top of loss, especially this time of year... So much less so. Sympathies, and wishes and prayers for endurance for you and your family.

Thanks much! Now, there're some tunes I can identify with better. I'm someone who personally has deep faith in the spiritual reason for Christmas, but alllll this commercially manufactured "joy" grates on my nerves. Never been a huge fan, but at my second widow-Christmas out, if anything I tune out even more to the vast majority of what just seems like jarring noise to me.