sojourner

;D Yeay! Congratulations and hopes for much happiness!

Woo-hoo on the test results! Hopes for a successful plan of action with your new therapist!

When I get that general intro to a conversation, or anything else I know either they don't really want the answer to or I don't want to talk about, I tend to answer something brief, like "not much," and then turn the talk around to them. Frequently followed by me zoning out and doing other stuff (scrolling thru websites, looking up ideas for dinner or whatnot...), while throwing in an appropriately- hopefully- timed "uh uh... yeah....I bet...," until they come up for air. Then, oh my- look at the Time! I've got this thing I almost forgot about- shoot, better run! A beer would go well with That!

I think back also to "...that time of blissful ignorance..." in my own life, and can relate to your feelings, and why today is especially hard for you. :'( Hugs to you, and wishing you peace.

There's alot of stuff that takes so much more effort to slog thru after being widdowed. Oddly, some things I've gotten more patient with, but there's other stuff with which I now have absolutely zip-zero-zilch patience. Coping with health and medical conditions was hard enough before, and extra tough now, especially if a person is the sole surviving parent, imo. Praying for good results, and peace and comfort for you while you wait to hear!

So, I've been more emotional today than I've been in a long time, and it seems to have been triggered by a letter to me from the Child Support Recovery Unit that came yesterday. I think I was already pretty well primed for a meltdown anyway- just passed LH's 3rd birthday without him, sick child, me recovering from one knee surgery & prepping for the other one in a few weeks, made a big move involving a complete lifestyle change (unwelcomed) last summer and still trying to sort and unpack, among the highlights. :'( Changing insurance this year has been a complete mess, apparently due to a typo somewhere on my dob. Then someone somewhere in the system put my youngest on Medicaid even tho I didn't request it. *That* apparently has led to my letter from the state, offering me child support services, even waiving the normal $25 application fee. And what can they do for me? Why, they can: - Establish paternity - Get an order for support - Collect said support - Modify a support order - And, last but not least, locate the missing parent, etc.!! ??? And today I find myself really rattled- swinging between laughing at how ridiculous it is, crying because it somehow rubs it in that he's dead like it just happened, and just totally off balance. I keep trying to think of ways to respond- I don't want to get any more letters like this. My current favorite thought is to respond back, "Her dad's not a *deadbeat;* he's just *DEAD.* But, hey, if the CSRU thinks they can go get him, I'm certainly not gonna stop you!" I'm just hoping writing it down will somehow get it out of my head. Thanks for putting up with my rant! I think I feel a little clearer headed getting it out already.

Totally understand how, as you said, you "...don't want the coaches thinking his Dad is a deadbeat and just gone." My youngest is still in high school, and we moved to a new district last fall. For just such a reason as you said, I've made a point of noting to her teachers and other school personnel that she lost her father, in whatever context I could work it in. It's something which still powerfully affects her, so it's an important part of her total picture. (Being as she was adopted, when my husband died, it was something of a double blow to her- after he died, one of the first things she said was that now she'd lost 2 dads... unknown reasons for her birth dad, and then dad dying.) I look at it as kind of a preemptive strike, to avoid negative assumptions about her dad and help avoid some awkward situations. People sometimes assume her parents are divorced, and then apparently assume her dad is just a no-show. She's been having a lot of illnesses this year, and I also mention it with new medical people. Same reasons. I think finding a way of letting the coach know would be worthwhile, either in an email like Trying said, or finding an opportunity to talk with the coach in person. Then work in something along the lines of how you "wish his late father could be there to see him play" into the conversation, if you want to be more subtle/less direct about it.

I can see why you'd have feelings like that, Quixote. However, if I'd been the one who'd died, I'd not have wanted my surviving husband to live out his days alone and lonely. I'd have wanted for him to meet someone again who brought joy into his life. So, from that perspective, I'm saying congratulations, and I hope those feelings dissipate. I wish you much happiness and many years together!

Some people might think it was morbid, but I adapted a black ornament with LH's name on it for my tree for his first Christmas gone. I did decide to put it on the back side of the tree to prevent anyone wanting to say anything judge-y about it, tho.

Well, LH didn't think so much of some of his family, himself. Over our years together, on the occasions where something jerky would be said by one of them, his comment to me was always "Ignore them; they're assholes!" But with a number of other friends & family, even a couple people in his family, I think there is some genuine caring. Just no idea if or what to say, so they stay silent. And not so long ago, I was oblivious myself -before I got schooled the hard way- and I likely said or did stuff myself that was inept. So, I generally try to be understanding. Except for crap like that Christmas fiasco!!! Sometimes I think if there isn't a greeting card for any particular anniversary or milestone, people just don't think it should be acknowledged or might be appreciated if it were. And I've never seen a card for a death anniversary, birthday after passing, sorry you couldn't stay in your house and had to move, etc.!! Peace to you and to us all!

I hear ya- I've been flabbergasted more than once by folks expressing this kind of thing, both otherwise very kind people and generally oblivious ones. I agree- when your spouse dies, there IS nothing ELSE. There's nothing else that can hold a candle to the enormity of what has just happened, especially in the first days and months and even longer. (However, if they *really* wanted to know about "everything else" going on, there was also being dumped off our insurance and scrambling to replace it, tons of paperwork, loneliness and unaccustomed, involuntary solitude, to name a few items, in addition to the shock and horror of seeing your spouse dead, even if they had been ill. :'( )

Hearing you. LH's birthday is Friday; third one since he died. Neither myself nor my kids ever received any text, call, email, card or contact of any kind acknowledging any date at all (birthday, death day, anniversary of any kind, holidays without him) from anyone at all since he died. As a matter of fact, after traveling to see LH's family for our first Christmas after his death, one of his sisters' husband launched into a spiel about what a good year it had been! :'( It wasn't until I stood up and just blindly walked out of the room that he caught himself and lamely added that, well, we did lose a "family member." (But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?)

My heart goes out to both of you, Rob. I've walked in similar shoes with some of my children (with some ADD & related stuff thrown in). I've known the heartache and struggle- both mine and my children's- while trying to find that sometimes elusive combination of treatment options that can help to smooth out their path. It can take multiple tries. A combination of counseling and medication finally has become pretty effective with my kids. Even so, sometimes things change and the plan gets tweaked. Hopes and prayers for a successful treatment plan to be worked out as quickly as possible. It's already a huge step forward that now she's open to looking for answers.

Well, I much like the title without even hearing the program, so I'm game to hear what's on it! At a touch over 2.5 years out from my dh's death, I still can't read anything much beyond gardening catalogs and step-by-step diy manuals (5 steps or less or my brain checks out stll). And while I can paste on an attentive face in public, it's still more draining than energizing, even when I seek it out. Peace also to you!

Oh, oh, oh- send me the hobby farm guy! (Kidding! ;D) LH and I had a little tiny acreage, and I loved it, but had to give it up after he died. I miss my old life. I don't feel that a person necessarily needs to recreate oneself. My feeling is that I just need to finish getting back in touch with who I really am myself, after having been melded into a couple and being a mom for over a quarter of a century. (Boy, writing that sure makes me feel old, ha!) At 2 1/2 years out, I feel like I'm almost ready to think about dating. However, some of my close family are going through serious health problems, and I don't think I have the energy to spare on dating, and to finish uncovering who I am now. Oh, and I'm with eliminating guy #1. Promising to do anything to make you happy seems a tad much upon first meeting! ??? Congrats on getting out there and meeting new people!

I'd "like" Mrskro's suggestion... except, well, I can't!

"Anyone else experience something similar?" (Svs) "Perhaps I will grieve for what I had wished for from my father?" (WW) In my own life, yes to both of these statements. My father got to live a very long life, albeit not necessarily a happy one, due to things both of and not of his own making. In any event, nothing approaching the impact from losing LH when my father passed earlier this year, a bit under 2 years after my husband died. Now, in a way, that's also comparing apples and oranges, to an extent... parent/child vs intimate mate. But I get what you're feeling. It does make you think. I'm sorry for your loss! Sojourner

Reruns of "Lost in Space," an Irish coffee, fireplace going... And 4 cats, at least 2 of whom are rebelling against the new 100% dust-free kitty litter brand I just bought in a VERY unseemly way!

My kids too were more afraid of my dying. I don't feel afraid of death itself, per se, but I do feel an obligation that I need to stay here for them, and I can't put them through losing their surviving parent early as well. Some of my kids also would say "don't die" if I had to take a trip. They don't say it much at all now, but I know it remains in the back of their minds still. Since I'm the last parent standing, I try to keep my legal affairs in order, so my kids won't be left with a mess if I'm unable to stay. It's one of the few things in my life that can be managed fairly simply, actually. For example, since I've prematurely worn out my knees, I have knee replacements coming up in the form of 2 separate surgeries. I'm meeting with an attorney to look over and update my will as necessary, and also leaving funeral instructions in the off chance something should go wrong. I get some peace of mind from it, as one last thing I can do for my kids, even if it may sound morbid to someone else. And it might, especially those still in 2-parent homes.

Kismet, I am so sorry. Everyone here, though the circumstances vary, knows the gut-wrenching loss of our loves. I find it priceless, even when I don't have it in me to post much. It's a place where I know others truly get what it's like. I hope you find some comfort here. Wishing you peace- Sojourner

I'm so sorry, Marian! :'(

Oh, no, not a horrible topic at all, tybec! Don't want you feeling that way! In this case, I just personally don't have any relevant experience. My MIL was widowed at about my age & never remarried. Then she passed away a couple years before my husband. Other times when there're situations I feel I should add something, I often feel so drained by all my own current life circumstnces and total upheaval going on that I just don't seem to have the any energy to compose a coherent response. I'm probably I'm not alone in that. All that to say, it wasn't a bad topic, and hope you don't feel bad!

Ugh. Sympathies!! So, how's about your sis picking up some more of the load there and missing a bit of her leisure time to accommodate some of your obligations? Yeah, I know, it's never that straight forward. I don't view it as you letting people down. It's just so difficult to manage all the competing demands on your time. It's not selfishness on your part if it's that you're simply being stretched too thin. Maybe graph it out for your family and ask them just what they think you can actually do? I don't know, but I get having unrealistic expectations on you. Sometimes you just have to say that you have too much on you and you need for people to sacrifice things themselves, & not expect you to be trying to accommodate everyone yourself. All I really know is ain't nuttin' easy, especially in the widdahood.

Prayers and hopes that he'll be okay & this will soon pass! I'd be a mess too, Mrs. Dan. I'd want all the updates possible, as well. It sounds like his mom is well-meaning enough, but, no, most probably can't really grasp the importance of those updates to you based on being widowed. Again, prayers and hopes for his well-being, as well as peace of mind for you!

Chopperette, I'm so sorry for your loss. My father died less than two years after my husband. He was elderly and in poor health, but still, it took me back to when my husband died. Condolences to your children, too.