sojourner

My nephew married 6 weeks after my husband died. At the wedding, I sat as near an exit as I could so I could have an escape route if it got too rough. I ended up staying, but it was truly gut-wrenching despite loving him and having nothing but good wishes for him and his new bride. I left as early as I could from the reception as well- same reason. And I went in on a wedding gift with a sibling, due to my new economic uncertainties. I can relate to what you're expressing, MS. I wore my "happy face" mask as best I could, and was truly happy for them, but the way it made the death of my husband sink in ever deeper took a tremendous toll on me before, during, and sometime after. And then I had to do it again with another relative within the same year. No one can really understand unless they've been there, not that some don't try to sympathize. But how it truly felt inside my heart was so painful that even I don't think I have the words to describe it.

They loved the house, but it wasn't quite what they had in mind. It's a kind of a mini-farm, with a few acres and barn for hobby animals, and a rambling family home. This is a pretty blue - collar/factory job area, so the buyer will likely be someone moving to town for a management type job, probably. When we built it 7 years ago, we planned on living here the rest of our lives. Well, he did, and I can't.

Thanks for the support! I got things looking pretty good, especially the important parts like the kitchen and baths. I think it's best to have the kitchen spotless for showing. The garage? Ummm, well, not so much! If I have time, I sweep and such, but it's not on my top priority list. They liked the house, but now I have to wait and see, and pray they think it's the right place for them!

My plan for today, the second anniversary of my husband's death, was to have a quiet day... Take a rare long soak in the tub, spend time outside on my porch, remember and treasure my memories from this house as I prepare to move and leave it, and maybe go out to get something to eat. But, as I was out on my porch, still in my PJs, no less, watering my plants after feeding my hens, along come a couple of people in a car down the drive, asking about the for sale sign. Although a tad embarrassed, I was friendly and answered their questions and then came back inside. And started cleaning! Sure enough, about 10 minutes later my Realtor calls. The good news is there's interest in seeing the house. The bad news? They want to see it this evening!!!! Aaaack! Normally I ask for 24 hour notice, but now I don't want to put people off as I have a house picked out where I'm moving, and my current home is a bit of a hard sell in my local market. So, my day will be spent catching up on all the cleaning missed during the past couple weeks of neglect from moving kids to and from summer school/college housing, while my kids still at home ran amok & messed things up more since I was gone so much. Sigh......

Do something that gives *you* some kind of enjoyment, and don't get sucked into the the guilt trap. That would only reinforce her guilting behavior as a tool to get her wants/needs met, from how you described the situation. Text her as usual, maybe have a nice card to send, but maintain your boundries, IMO. We've all been through too much to actively seek out closer relationships with anyone who pretty much only knows how to take, even if we sympathize with their predicament. That's my opinion, at least (based in part on having various trying relatives myself). :-\

Congrats!! That's great that your hard work paid off with a fast sale!

My sympathies on the loss of your mother, donswife. I'm fast approaching my 2 yr mark. In the first 20 months after my LH's death, I also lost an uncle, then two aunts, and then my father. My oldest sister was also diagnosed with cancer, with a poor prognosis. I'm just numb half the time, and feel frozen. I can't afford to be like that, as I'm in the middle of buying/selling houses and moving. But I have to keep pushing on despite often feeling near that way I did when LH died. And I bury my grief around my family, with my sister's situation. Still, sometimes I get some of that original extreme grief leak through. Once this move is done, I want to line up grief counseling. In my case, I feel like I've had too many grief triggers, combined with needing to hide the cummulative grief behind a mask. It's just not a good thing.

I agree with using an agent, for all the reasons folks stated. My house is on the market, and I have a place lined up to move to. There's a good chance my current house won't sell before I move, unfortunately; the market in my area is slow for this type of property. Since I have an agent, I don't have to be concerned with marketing, house showings, etc., while I'm several hours away.

I took my deed for the house to the county courthouse, to the section that records deeds/taxes, etc. My car registrations were changed at the courthouse in the auto registrations dep't. This is in Iowa; other states may differ. Edited to add: also required was a copy of the death certificate & proof of identity (may have required a copy of birth & marriage certificates- something did, but that's kind of lost in a blur now).

Oh, yeah, can't forget the new medical insurance, all out of pocket, with high copays. Too many investments after his 30 yrs in the workforce for any obamacare help, and insurance providers in my area are scarce. I was a part-timer while LH was the main financial support, and I'm not able to go for fulltime employment right now. My youngest turned 16, so no more social security parent benefits (because of course kids cost less to support after age 16????). I have to be much more careful with expenses, definitely.

In my state, the transfer of our kids' American Funds education accounts (which were the only thing in LH's name alone) required a specific document to transfer to me. Terms of the will (where all went to me) were denied due to state law, as were any substitute documents that could be attained outside of probate. Had to hire an attorney and go through probate court, complete with an estate audit. I ended up paying thousands and thousands of dollars in accountant, attorney, and court fees. This was totally unforeseen, and I still see red when I think about it.

You may want to consider the possibility of a biological disorder, as well. That's about the age one of my kids developed various symptoms (anxiety, perfectionism, various social fears, eating issues, difficulty with homework, etc.) that were later diagnosed as ADHD- inattentive subtype (difficulty with concentration, not really hyper-acting), "traveling with," as her doctor put it, anxiety disorder and a touch of OCD, for good measure. I was told that ADHD is frequently accompanied by other issues, all part of a brain chemistry imbalance. And this was way before grief became a factor (in her freshman year of college) which then triggered depression in addition to exacerbating the rest of it. She ended up taking a year off school as we worked on ways of getting through, but did go back to college at a different school this past fall. I don't know whether this is related to what she's experiencing, of course, but thought I'd mention it just in case. Hoping you can get to the root of things and have a plan for easing her worries soon! It's so hard to see our kids struggle, and a person can feel so helpless sometimes.

I have kids, so I made some of his flannel shirts into teddy bears for them, and put one of his funny ties on each one. They turned out great, but I will say cutting up some of his favorite clothing really brought his death home hard. It was really tough to get through that. But the kids really appreciated them. I scented them with some of his deodorant, so they even smelled like him for awhile.

I'm in the process of buying a new house and moving. My realtor made a point to inform me that, though the house is in my name only, should I marry again, in my state (Iowa), my new husband would automatically be entitled to a third of it's value. So, it's a good idea for everyone to be aware of the property laws in their states as part of their financial planning when remarrying.

Feeling for her, her family, and your family!! Having already walked this road with the worst outcome, you must to be having your own grief triggered in addition to your heart going out to her and her family. Peace for all and hopes for healing, if possible, for her! Cancer wid here too. :'(

Boy, I can relate to the fixing up/selling/house hunting/buying stuff! Am in the middle of all that myself. I think I'd go around the bend with the commuting, etc. Kudos for keeping it together, especially with the controlling mom situation! (Have one myself, but at least she's not online.) Wishing you success in your move, and strength for the duration and everything involved!

All the best to you as you plan your move, and hoping you get good news on your house offer!!

Yeah, boy... For me, to go forward I know I need to move. Thing is, am trying to move from a slow housing market to one that's disadvantageously hot. It feels like I'm just spinning my wheels as I wait for the right buyer for my current place. It was the dream home that LH and I had built. Leaving will be excruciating. But so is staying. I love it, but know I really must leave it. It was "us," but now it's not the place for this new, emerging "me." And the longer it drags out, the more stuck I feel. There's a potential buyer at the moment... good news, yet churning up so much stuff to process. For me, I know what I need to do. But that doesn't make it easy!!! None of this is easy, as we try to figure out what our new, emerging recreations of ourselves need in order to go forward. I think my next chapter is still a transitional one... A place to land for several reasons, and is just the next chapter, but not the last. Hopes for direction and guidance for you as to how to go forward!

It's so hard finding the best path, figuring out the timing, waiting for the circumstances to align as well as possible, etc. It's exhausting. I hear you, TS. A good vent is essential sometimes. Hope you were able to get a little sleep. Wishing you peace and discernment on your path!

Tears. :'(

I think I get most of this thread; I agree with the basic point of it, I think... I get the thing about a glorification of the survivor's experience, especially by repressing expression of the real nitty-gritty. But, thing is, to be totally frank, I'm just not getting anything as far as any beauty of the death? My LH had a relatively "good death," with little physical pain at the end. But he fought to live to the very end (cancer). My late father struggled with passing too last month, yet I knew despite his body's struggle to shut down (powerful yet at the ripe age of 93), he was looking forward to moving on. No criticisms intended! Just not able to grasp this idea of any beauty of death when there was so much life on earth ahead? Just something I'm struggling with, I guess. But I do get the part about the superficial romanticizing of a death for public consumption. Unfortunately, in this recent media case for example, it might actually make things more difficult emotionally for the surviving spouse as the shock wears off, but the public still anticipates a strong appearance despite his loss.

"Under the Tuscan Sun"?

Grieving the shoulda-coulda-mighta-beens is as much a part of our loss as the "what-it-was" in the end at the time of the death of our loved one. Losing them a piece at a time is a prolonged agony. A person grieves along the way, and certain losses may be processed and "pre-grieved" if that's a word? BUT- with the grief roller coaster, the sum loss of all the steps of the loss can ball up and roll over you, too, as you process. Hope that makes sense! I know what I mean but not sure if I can express it in a succinct to-the-point way. Peace to you.

Such a bittersweet memory! A glimpse into what it could be like as a new beginning, and then a tragic end instead. Peace and comfort to you.