sojourner

Friday again. Whoopee. : Have the house to myself tonight for the first time in awhile, so enjoying not being whined at with one bit of teenaged angst or another for the night! Did some gardening, then picked an old '50's B-movie to stream off Amazon. Seems fitting to go with a little bit of boxed wine! ;D

Sometimes I think that I'd rather it was me than him who died, since going together wasn't any kind of option... and it's not in any noble way at all. And no worries, I'm in no way suicidal. My will to live, and someday hopefully soon to thrive again, is strong. I have faith in where I go when my time is up, but sometimes I think how nice it would be if I were the one in peace now. Instead, I'm left to deal with the combined fallout from his illness, death, and uneven parenting style on our kids.

I don't think you "played" anything- the rug came out from under you, and the bottom line came out of your mouth, unbidden. I haven't had that happen in regard to widowhood exactly, but it's definitely happened to me before in one circumstance or another. Sometimes the truth just comes blurting out unintended, and that throws a person! I think it was for the best in your situation even if it left you feeling out of whack; glad the childcare got lined up!

For Father's Day, his birthday, Valentine's, and our anniversary, I buy a vase of flowers for the house to mark the days. I tried to do special meals in the beginning , but it seemed to make the days harder. Now, the days are still acknowleged, but in a quiet way. Peace to you on you LH's birthday.

Yeah. I hear ya. Same problem. :-\

Sitting in front of the TV, eating some chicken waldorf salad. I dug out a big chunk of sod today to make a flower bed, and I'm pooped! Won't be stirring much for the rest of the evening... and maybe not tomorrow either!

The cuke-apocalypse has begun in my garden, so I'm canning pickles and keeping an eye on my teenage rebel child, who's grounded yet again with increasingly concerning behavior issues, despite ongoing counseling. Said pickles to be eaten by myself alone, at a later date, as my last child at home isn't a fan. I'm not sure why I'm bothering. :-\ In the "before" days, if LH were here, and not sick, we might go out to eat, or else do a nice supper and movie date night at home, while the kids hung out with friends. I haven't been for a dinner out at night pretty much since the end days of his cancer battle, with maybe 1-2 family occasions as exceptions. So, over 3 1/2 years now.

My last night in our old home was heartbreaking- remembering all the hope and all the promise of our future together when we moved in, thinking it was the home we'd live in for the rest of our lives. And thinking of how it did turn out to be the rest of his life for him, but can't be for me now. Nothing like moving to drive home the finality of that future dying with him. But I knew my own future was no longer there. I feel like where I am now is a stop-over, and that's fine for now. It's my base while my kids finish up school, and then I know I'll be looking elsewhere again, for someplace more where I actually want to be. It is what it is. Feeling for you, and blessings on your journey into your new future. Hoping a nice job where you want to be opens up for you soon!

Sympathies, Wandasmom. All my kids have been in counseling and treatment for depression/anxiety, and it can be a hard row to hoe to find what works. Currently, one of my college-aged kids is again struggling, but is refusing any sort of treatment now. I think Rob has some good suggestions. My approach recently has been pointing out things that must change, and while offering assistance in getting professional help and keeping that door open, also giving her the space to decide how she wants to address it. At her age, that's actually about the only viable option available.

Dang! Just what you didn't need!!!

Feeling it with you, bk2. It hit so hard, taking his name off our life together, basically. Alot of it I had to do early on, for economic reasons, which was an extra twist of the knife. But some things continue to come up, and every time something new comes up, it can hit me like he just died this morning. Sucker punch out of nowhere, and I'm back there in the darkest of the dark times again, for that moment. I'm at just over 3 years now.

It strikes me that, in reality, they've already done the tie-severing themselves through their actions. Now, you're simply making note of it, and acting in accordance with their behaviors. It is what it is. You do not deserve to be, and ought not acquiese to be their scapegoat for their own feelings of loss. Fwiw, that's my view. Stand tall, as is right. Chin up- my hope for you would be for you to have confidence in your own value, and know this is a reflection on *them,* not you. Peace to you.

Hear ya and feeling it. On my part, trying to deal with 17 yr old daughter, full of teen angst, knows it all, but also is borderline intellectually plus clinically depressed, which affects her insight into any and all social and other perceptions. It's been really ugly lately. Very dark days. Tonight's special was how she doesn't want to live with me and hasn't since Dad died, 3 years next week. (I get it- he was the "fun" parent, after all. Now they're stuck with the practical one, and under harder circumstances. Sigh.) Hang in there. For me, anyway, it can be hard to look at it as a phase, complicated by death/grief/lifestyle changes, when it hits you at your very heart. Some day this will pass. Peace to you.

Michael797, I am so, so sorry for your new loss! Beyond mind-boggling. :'(

I used to believe in having a life plan, but every one I've tried has blown up in my face. No option but to go with the flow, choosing the best options the moment provides, however fleeting. I miss even the illusion of stability, control, direction, planning. It is so demoralizing. There's no choice but to keep on plugging away, and I have to make the best decisions for my family. So, yeah, klim, what the hell happened to our lives!?! :-\

Yes, the viewing is tough. And there really is only do much that can be done make-up-wise. Sometimes lighting is adjusted to help. But in the end, it'll be rough no matter what, because there's no escaping the fact that it's your love lying there. :'( I was grateful that the place where LH had his services had a private family viewing beforehand. That did help in getting prepared for the public viewing. During the viewing hours, there was also a running video display of photos from his life. I know some people really appreciated that. The next day was the actual funeral. He was cremated after the viewing, so it was just his creamation container and pictures of him in life for that. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort here as you grieve; we get it here. Peace to you.

Viva, my thoughts are with you; peace to you. At first the only memories I could come up with of late DH were of his passing, replaying over and over. At almost 3 years myself, other, softer, memories have resurfaced and are mostly what now come to mind as I think of him. But I still have that clear, sharp memory of his death, as well. And as I get closer to that anniversary myself, it comes back more and more.

I can't say anything I did or didn't do got me through my numbness phase, really. At the risk of sounding cliche'd, things somehow just shifted with the passage of time. Other stages and phases of grief also have come and gone in their own time, although can still pop up again, often blind-siding me. To be honest, at times I miss the numbness. Sometimes, living in the aftermath of life after his death is just all too real. (I'm a little under 3 years now since he died.)

Hearing you, and peace to you as you continue your life's journeys into the future. Not as planned, certainly, and through much sorrow, yet into the future and whatever promise it holds. As do we all, I suppose, whether kicking and screaming, or with acceptance from acknowledging that in the end, time can not and will not hold still. So, into the future we go. Peace and even hopes of joy for your future!

Gonna get my jammies on in a sec, while DD lines up a movie she wants to watch. Big exciting times here! :

Oh, also with my LH's ashes, in addition to them being at home, I had some incorporated into a stained glass pendant. I get compliments on it... I generally don't tell people who comment on it just what exactly it is!

So, I'm (mumblemumblemumble) years old, well established into middle age, let's say! And I am realizing that I have a blankie. : Yeah, like a toddler. On our last trip together, to see about a possible clinical trial for LH in Houston, 3 years ago this May, I got a big wrap-around scarf to use at the beach when we visited Galveston one day between appointments. So, I'm noticing that I don't think I can sleep without it. Doesn't take much deep thinking why it's comforting, I guess- we got it in anticipation of a nice day in a short-lived time of some last hope of finding something that would fight his cancer. Right before his health went into a total nose-dive. He died about 2 weeks later. I guess it's nothing too serious to worry about; it's not as if I'm dating, or have to drag it along when running errands! Still, feeling sort of awkward about it. Kinda wondering whether this is just my own personal little quirk/coping mechanism? Or do other folks have their own blankies of one kind or another?

No, circumstances caused you not to be there, but that doesn't mean you forgot him at all. The best laid plans sometimes splinter apart, as I guess everybody here knows from experience... or we wouldn'the be here in the first place. Hoping today is a better day; be gentle on yourself. Peace to you!

Condolences on this day, Needytoo. Just under 3 years, myself. Sometimes it seems like it was forever ago, and other times like it's happening now. I hear you about that void.

My late husband's ashes are in a nice cupboard in my room, for now. I'd like to put them in a niche or inter them, to be joined by my own (or a portion of mine, should I remarry) when my time comes. I don't think I'm done moving yet, though. I want to wait until I can be fairly certain I'll be somewhat local, if possible. I do wish was that there were a burial place where anyone could go and visit as the desire might come to them. But this seems best for now.