sojourner

PROFOUND!!!!!!!! Yes.

Oh, yeaaay- advice from (even a well-meaning) DGI! My favorite! : For now, I have to say my main motivation for anything is a sense of obligation- I have too many people relying on me to just give up. About all I can do is try to keep things on as even a keel as possible, which is a gigantic challenge even on the best of days. ( Lotsa ADD/anxiety/depression in the family & stability is an absolute necessity.) I'd dearly love to even just spend one whole day in bed in my pj's, but have never had the opportunity where I felt that'd be such a great idea, even tho my kids aren't little- teens can even be worse sometimes!! I also feel obligated to take reasonably good care of myself, so as not to "kick the bucket" earlier than necessary and add to my family's pain. Happy? No, can't say that I am. But I do hold out hope that I will be again someday, hopefully yet on this side of eternity. In the meantime, I try to stay as involved in my community as I feel up to at any given time, and keep doing those things that have to be done regardless, and try to figure out things to treat myself to, for something I can try to look forward to now & then. Idn't anything easy about this widda life!!!!!!

For myself, it would depend. I formerly worked in an area of social services where I had extensive experience with children who'd been abused sexually by the mother's partner. It was pretty common that it would come out that the perp had targeted the woman in order to get access to her children. Let's just say I'd be more than slightly guarded about someone asking about my kids- observing how much interest in them, do they want to spend a lot of time with them, and other, more subtle red flags. There're certainly many good guys out there, but there are enough predators that caution is in order, unfortunately.

Congrats!! Wishing you both all the best, and hoping things continue to progress nicely!

Makes sense to me, and yeah, I'm well established into middle-age! I'm not at any point where I could say I wanted a new relationship, but should I get there, I hope there'll be guys who see things this way too! ( I don't consider myself old, I'ma "vintage" model, with rich patina!) ;D

Phil, your loss is so very fresh- try not to feel pressured to do anything you're just not ready to do that isn't an absolute necessity. This is basic survival time- drink water, try to eat and try to sleep, or at least rest. Take cues from your body- if something's making you feel panicky, delay for a later time if at all possible. Having your birthday & anniversary so close to losing her is huge. Try to go easy on yourself, especially in these early days. Losing one's spouse is one of the (and quite possibly THE topmost) most traumatic events that anyone will ever experience.

(Giggle/snort!) I'll second what Guaruja' said! 😁

I'll second what Maureen expressed. You have the right to feel however you feel at any given time. For me, and many if not most fellow wids, this grieving road has been such a rollercoaster. I'm 17 months out now, and my feelings can change so quickly and seemingly without warning, from remembering something with a smile to sobbing. Good days are such a blessing when they come, and I hang on to them with the hope of more when I go through the rough days.

Oh, ouch! Just going to the ER with one of my kids for the first time since taking LH there near the end of his life was traumatic enough for me, & we weren't even there that long. I can't imagine daily working where you'd gone through so much with your wife. I guess I wouldn't really count on people completely understanding, but just speaking for myself, I probably would say something just to get it outside of my head & help process something so big. Sympathies!!

Non Hodgkin lymphoma. Started as a typically slow-growing form that, while incurable, has a generally long survival period (follicular lymphoma). Rapidly transformed into a very aggressive but frequently curable form (DLBCL), which for him turned out to be resistant to all treatments, from ones that normally can cure it, especially in someone as relatively young and as healthy as he was, to an experimental clinical trial. He beat the odds, which were all in his favor, and died. Just about 2 years from diagnosis to death from cancer-induced multiple organ failure. Only fairly recently have I begun to be able to remember him without it being memories/flashbacks of hearing his final gasping breaths, lying to him that we (kids & me) would be fine, that everything would be okay, and then reassuring him that we will see him later.

Those are strange coincidences! My family has some of those as well. LH passed away at the same age as his dad (different cause). When LH died, I was the same age his mom was when she was widowed. Plus, our children were all in pretty much the same ages/grades as LH & his siblings were when his own dad died. His siblings were really struck by the coincidences.

Oooh, clam chowder! That sounds good on this chilly evening! Well, now I know what I'm making for supper at least. I've been so uninspired to make anything lately, tho have always loved cooking. So clam chowder & more reruns of Quantum Leap it is! Boy, my life is exciting.

Kinda know how you feel. 16 mo's out here. When LH passed, we were down to 2 kids home. After, the older couple came back home for a year. Now, older 2 have moved out again, and it's suddenly a whole lot quieter with just me & the two younger. Just a few years from now, it'll be down to only me. I'm dreading it. I was already looking at having an empty nest with mixed feelings while LH was still here, but now it's simply flat out dread. Not that it's easy being the sole head of the family with a houseful or even just the two left either! But it's been a looong time since I was on my own, and all the comings and goings of a bunch of people is my "normal."

I went to my first grief support group last weekend. Several suggestions seemed pretty helpful with some practical matters of daily living. One was to put some lights, and maybe a radio/music/TV, on timers so that something would be on first thing in the morning and/or last thing at night; that way, you don't have to wake up in (or come home to or go to bed in) a dark, too-quiet house. (I still have kids at home, but when they're out, the house seems way too quiet.) Another was to regularly, even daily, make conscious plans for something you enjoy and write them on your calendar, to have something to look forward to. Another was that if you feel self-conscious eating out by yourself, taking along a book or sudoko or something like that to have at the table may help make you more comfortable. Hope these might be helpful- Sojourner

I think your feelings make complete sense- it can't help but be triggering for your grief for your DH, and be overwhelming at times even though you want to be supportive of your BIL. I'm at 16 mo's since losing DH to cancer, & my sister was recently diagnosed with a different but generally terminal cancer. It's sent me reeling. I'm here for my sister and BIL, but it's very emotionally challenging even with her still here. I feel so much for them both, but also it's having me reliving walking down that path. My condolances for the loss of your sister, especially so soon after the loss of your DH. Sojourner

Hi to everyone- I'm finally getting to an introduction after having been a regular reader here and on the old ywbb in its last months. I've so appreciated everyone's openness with their experiences after being widdowed- it's helped so much to know I'm not alone in my own feelings, thoughts, and experiences. I was widowed in May of '14, when my LH died from lymphoma. He'd been diagnosed in '12 with a form that, while incurable, was supposed to have a long survival. You can see how well that worked out. I didn't even know lymphoma, which I'd barely even heard of, was a cancer until his diagnoses. Boy, did I get schooled. Today is the anniversary of our wedding. I bought flowers, as is the way I regularly commemorate our milestones. I'd been feeling like I've been getting more clarity of mind lately. That, however, is headed right back out the window- one of my siblings was just dx'ed with a rare, advanced, and generally incurable cancer, and I'm basically going through flashbacks of LH's decline and death. Oh, and upon getting the news, one of my elderly parents had a mild heart attack, so there's that, too. Let's just say it's not a good day. Pretty much I'm going back to the early techniques of breathing, drinking water, etc. I'm so sorry any of us have to be here, but since it is what is is, I'm grateful to at least be in the good company of this community.