sojourner

Algos, I am so sorry you find yourself here in your circumstances, as all of us here do. Even more heartbroken for you and your children that your wife/their mom died alongside your daughter/their sister/twin! This grief that we go through, as you're finding, is a slippery beast. The emotions may constantly shift. It's simply not generally linear, and at times when you think it's easing up, something can trigger you back to Day 1. This is the way of Grief. You truly are in the early days. Be kind to yourselves, and ease your expectations of what you might think you ought to be doing, or what people who have never been in your shoes think they have a place to expect of you. I'm just over 3 years out (wow, can that be true?). The passage of time does allow for the intensity of grief to soften (even though at times it can come back to me like it happened this morning). But most often first there's the numbness of shock, followed by the gut punch of the brutal reality. It sounds like maybe the transition out of the numbness is what's now happening, and it hurts. Allow yourself your feelings. It truly is a crazy rollercoaster of emotions that you and your remaining family are on. This is sorrow beyond what words can truly describe. I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Welcome to the club none of us wanted to join, and may you find some camaraderie here. Hopes and prayers for peace for you and your children.

Whoo hooo!! ;D Wonderful! Congratulations and enjoy your wedding!!!

Attempting the quote function- hope it goes right. Regardless, you're dealing with the whole sorry deal with much grace, Trying. Prayers and hopes your wedding goes on as planned! His children should be present, yet... so not not right all the way around if the wedding plans are interrupted. Now, I tend develop plans B, C, ad infinitum if plan A falls thru (limited success- DH still died no matter the plan , so.... yeah. Disclaimer.) Sorry, it's still what I do! : So, just a thought, if things, God forbid, derail, or if I overstep... still, in my mind's eye I picture a nice, apparently low-key get-together with family & close friends... with only the very nearest and dearest in the know, and if possible on short notice, with a "surprise" wedding then held. I have no idea if that's even possible for you, and it's not ideal, but I'm thinking in terms of derailing the crazy aspect the ex wants to bring to the party. Creative solutions are at times required. Feeling for you, and hopes and prayers for the best!!

Trying, I'm so sorry for this whole situation! Hopes and prayers for peace to prevail, but given the track she seems to be on, probably best to add/substitute ones for strength and endurance for all (well, except her!). :-\ I agree with you and Mizpah that your upcoming wedding is involved with her ramping up the crazy. Hang in there. Maybe try to focus your energy on the joy of your love and upcoming marriage, if you can. Don't surrender your joy to anyone!

Your reflections are very touching, Raymond. Peace to you on this anniversary day.

Sandrine, it sounds like you must have had a close relationship with him; my heart goes out to you as well. :'(

Possibly, Maddalena, especially since as of very recently I'm now down to only one left at home full time. And she's not the one to notice what I'm wearing so much anyway.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear friend, Maureen, and for how it's understandably stirred up renewed grief for the losses of your husbands. Thank you for sharing his story. I remember reading his posts, but you gave much more insight into his character. How unbearably sad that his little girl has lost both her parents, and at such a very young age, too. It's a relief to know her caregivers have already been with her all her life- one less major transition for her to process. Comfort and peace to you.

I'm hearing you, and I think I'd feel pretty much the same in your shoes! Quite recently, a lot of things of my life "before" and "after" have been coming out in my dreams. I think it's related to having some big family crises and major milestones cooling down to a low simmer. My brain's seemingly starting to relax out of an extended survival mode and starting to process everything again. The subconcious is fascinating, and kinda weird at times. Congratulations on breaking through to a good place after all the bad, Trying!

Well, not living it like that exactly, as no new relationship and not seeking due at least in part due to traumatized-teen-raising priorities, but I get the concept of private comfort from his things. I've put on things of his. However, when I've worn things of his in front of our kids, it basically seemed to have a traumatizing affect on them. I made each a teddy bear from his old flannel shirts, and they've been good with that (but it about killed me making them... nothing says 'dead' so much as cutting up his favorite shirts). But having me wear anything of his around them is a different thing, and I see them freezing up. So, I'm good wearing special jewelry since they don't know the history. But I hide wearing his socks, for example.

Feeling for you- am walking in shoes about that same size give or take, and I get how it is. :-\

Joining in hopes and prayers for safety and strength for everyone who's affected!

I heard that the path has turned towards the Fort Meyers area. My late husband's late mother used to live there. I've caught myself, more than once mind you, starting to turn go look for him, and ask to make sure my mother-in-law's in a safe place. Then it hits me... no, wait, he's dead. They're both dead. Then the tears start up again. It's like a grief-ambush.

[quote We are a messy emotional group of folks thrown together with exactly one thing in common- what could possibly go wrong with that? Ha! Dang it, Diet Coke burns when something like this ends up with it snorted up the nose combined with a spit-take! Stop it! Dang! Ha!

As a Christian female with many conservative social views, I have seen my faith and/or views bashed on this forum. It does have the result of putting a chill on me feeling free to talk here. I have never bashed the views of those of other faiths, or lack of any faith. I have seen people of various faiths discuss topics from their faith perspectives freely, but Christianity and/or those holding conservative views have been called out by name and at times damned. I don't engage folks about that here, tho; I do truly wish them peace. If I were socially liberal and non-Christian, or there were more tolerance for my perspectives, I would definitely feel this was a safer place to talk. That's all I have to say on that topic, and I will not get pulled into a debate about my observations. Peace to you, TooSoon, and to all. Sojourner

J3, thinking of you, with your imminent anniversary date. I ended up acknowleging the time by going out for lunch every day this week. Nothing pricey or fancy, certainly nothing like the trip we'd have taken together, as that'd just make me sad being by myself. But it was a little something to make note of the anniversary, even if only to myself. And it was better than sitting at home alone. Peace to you!

Interesting points being made. One thing I feel self-concious about when posting is knowing there's a wide age range of "young" widowhood here. I'm on the relatively older side- not a truly young widow, but too young to be a, what?, "standard" widow? And am old enough to be a grandmother (ouch!), yet, am still raising teens. I've seen posts before where very young widowed have brought up their pain, dismay, frustration, etc. relating to relatively older young widowed posting things involving their longer marriages, older children, sometimes also grandchildren. I don't want to cause pain to anyone who never got to have children with their Love, for example, or got much less time together. So, oftentimes I find myself holding back on things I'd like to post about experiences I and/or my children have gone through and are still going through.

This whole week, I've felt so exhausted, along with general sadness. Not many real hard tears, but an overwhelming need for sleep. My energy was completely sapped. I've taken longer naps this past weekend than I have in a long time, and slept so hard during them. Hopefully my body got the rest it seemed to need, and I get more energy back. No one in my day to day life really has bad intentions, but they (thankfully for them) don't have a clue what the widowed experience is like. Also, I intentionally minimize talking about it to my family; I have a sister with terminal cancer, and I don't want to burden them, esp. my sister and BIL. Thanks, and sympathies to you all, too. I'm glad/sorry you're here!

I had one dream of him very soon after he died (rather unpleasant- I saw him someplace and wanted to stay and talk, but he brushed me off and just wanted to get back to work). After that, nothing for over 3 years. Now suddenly I'm having dreams of us, just doing regular stuff together. I can only guess somehow my approaching wedding anniversary has triggered something somehow. I'm glad you finally got to "see" him!

Even though the actual date isn't until almost mid-week, since I was married the Saturday of Labor Day weekend, this always feels like my weddding day. Wow- 30 years ago. He was here for just over 26 and a half of them. His cancer was diagnosed right before our 25th, so that one was spent in chemo, with a short trip later. He should be here. We should be celebrating on a trip, drinking champagne somewhere together, with an ocean in view. Instead, I'm working to prepare for hosting a big family dinner Monday, thinking how in a short time I'll be turning the same age he was when he died almost 3 and a quarter years ago, looking at my yard that I need to mow today. I want my old life back. This sucks, and that's a huge understatement.

Sympathies- I get the underlying sentiment, though not experiencing everything in as short a timeframe, and with one still at home. I'm sorry you find yourself here (as do we all), but welcome. While no one's experiences are identical, folks here "get it" unlike anyone who's not been through the loss of their mate. Peace to you- seeing the fledglings leave the nest is hard enough; ending up experiencing it solo without your mate/their other parent is torture.

Beautifully said. Wishing peace for you as you enter this time of year yet once more.

I don't envy you. I've been to 3 weddings of extended family since my husband died, the first about 2 months after his death, and the next a few months later. The latest one was this past June; this one was really hard for my girls, as there was a big deal made over a father-daughter dance, and there was no real way to escape it the way the venue was set up. I hated going, even tho I'm happy for the couples. The 'til death do you part... and there the happy couple are, smiling through it. I'm glad they're clueless, but it just about kills me sitting through it. Peace to you, and hopes that things go as well as possible!

Yep. (Minus the Craig's list and often plus a rebelling teen.) Sigh.

Prayers for all those who may be in the path of Hurricane Harvey in TX! Went through Celia in '70 as a kid living in Kingsville (about 50 miles inland, give or take) back then, if anyone's heard of it (or remembers it, as more senior of the young widowed!). It was a hard hitting one. Lots of damage, like is expected from Harvey. Didn't get the brunt of it, being further inland, but still remember the winds, then the weirdly quiet eye of the storm, and then the tail end whipping through. Then the severe flooding after. Had a good 3-4' of water in the streets around our neighborhood; grateful the houses were generally elevated from the streets where we lived! Back then I was so jealous of the kids out swimming and playing in it- now, ICK!!! Think raw sewage from flooded water systems, if not dangers from drowning, electrocution, flash flooding on top of the standing water, rattlesnakes flooded out into the streets, and who knows what else! Thanks to my parents for banning that for me & my siblings! And like I said, we weren't even on the front lines where we lived! Stay safe!!! Prayers for your safety!