Sugarbell

Girl...I think every job I have had I am under qualified for.?-At least on formal experience and degree wise. That's been my life. (why would an elementary school teacher choose to sell pharmaceuticals when 85 percent of my colleagues had a Science background??? My jobs in Drug prevention and CPS...most are licensed social workers. I always tell myself if I can survive the journey I have been on with 3 littles kids in tow. I can do anything. And risks??? Life is a risk.

Yes yes yes... Being a follow my gut person...this has happened quite a few times since widdahood (before then spent a decade selling pharmaceuticals making far more money than any job I have had since. Taken a risk....yes...still doing it and it's very stressful but necessary. It's a now or never situation. I currently work for the doing Child Protective Services/Investigative side in my hometown. It helped propel me and my son to go to school there. But I hope by August...I am back to teaching in the public schools there. These 11 hour workdays...and being on call is not working with my kids schedules. I get it. You only get one shot at this life...I don't want any regrets.😀 Sending you hugs and support. This is a rough journey.

What did you all think??? I bought our new home by owner..great deal cut out the middle man...had it inspected, they had a real estate attorney draw up deed, paperwork, etc. I found it on Zillow. When I was house hunting I was checking the online mobile sites daily. I have worked my ass off getting this house ready. I followed all the "sell quick" rules. I want to price it right and have checked with 2 contractors, did research..I know the market here..I hav obsessively read nightly. I don't know the paperwork. My realtor is a good friend...she's coming tomorrow with her paperwork..I know she wants me in contract with her. I feel like I am Just handing her 10K off my house for nothing. But maybe I am missing something?? Please anyone whose sold..chime in!

So...my boys were 3 and 4 1/2 when they lost their Dad. The first few years...both of them had memories...I only focused on the good stuff...but they had them. And we had pics..I took the kids places we went, told stories, etc. My oldest son...being 4 1/2 had the most memories..and for several years remembered the good and even the bad. So I have been reading that from age 8-10.. Childhood amnesia happens. The brain can't remember everything from so far back as more memories are being stored. Basically most adults have very few memories before at 7...we may have a few select ones...but not like we do after age 8-10. So I was talking to my oldest (whose now 13 ) on the long ride home about memories with his Dad. He doesn't remember the funeral or preschool or his Dad laying in bed reading to him for hours. He doesn't remember him coaching Tball team...this is basically all he remembers (and I used to think he was suppressing them..but he's not..so much has happened in his life that it makes sense he filtered most out) 1. He remembers his Dad had a Jack Johnson CD he played in the car with him. He doesn't remember seeing the Curious George movie with his Dad which is where the movie came from...but when he hears a song he says "Dad liked him we listened to him" 2. He remembers riding on a golf cart with his Dad on one particular hole. 3. When he smells me burning sage he says "Dad used to burn this in the garage didn't he?" I tell him yes...in reality his Dad smoked weed in the garage and the smells are similar. 4. He remember his Dad going to train day at his preschool. That's it. My 3 (now 11 remembers nothing). my daughter of course doesn't cause she was a baby.

He's been living with my folks since Jan 25th. He's maintained straight As. He's in an 8th grade Math class. He has lots of friends...I met with his gifted teacher this week and the principal for his IEP and they said he's so like able and they have only heard good things about him. 40 kids conditioned and tried out for baseball team ...they took 18... he made it...he's not a starter...but he's improved so much and pitches some Varsity games and he's so supportive of his team mates. He trains with my brother (whose like mentally ill..like a Jim Carrey character-but my son knows how to handle him....My brother is in perfect shape...just mentally a little off...but my son actually calms him down. He's grown 2 inches and lost 22 lbs since he left. I see him at least once a week but boy this has been a rough road of me. He's grown and flourished so much since getting out of Stepford. He made National Jr Honor Society down there...it's very tough to get in as a 7th grader in my hometown. Ceremony is in 2 weeks. He even has a "girlfriend"...who is a tall leggy brunette who runs track is in beauty pageants...but is also a 4h girl who raises pigs and cattle. It won't last long (hope not) but she's sweet and he's so much more confident now. I pray my younger 2 adjust as well as he has. It was one of the best decisions I have made for him as his Mom sending him there a semester early. I am just ready for the 4 of us to be back together everyday. I miss him..but I am happy and proud of him.💙

Little girls are a whole new ballgame. My 8 year old has gotten very clingy to me and just me. She's not that way at school or with friends...but she's very clingy, doesn't want me out her sight when I am home. I do lots of things with her...and lately honestly it's exhausting. She's a sweetheart but is going through I very high maintenance stage. With her...I attribute it to me working longer hours out of town and to us moving. I have always been her security blanket. I think she's worried about everything but doesn't verbalize it directly. I know these changes are hard on her especially I just hope it time it smooths out. In my case I don't attribute it to her grief...but more the fact that it's always been just me solo parent. She has no reference to anything different. It's a tough emotional road on us as parents....hopefully it's a phase that she will phase out of (Usually when one kid gets out of a phase at my house another one decides to have major meltdown-it's cyclic )😂

Yes it is...and its ongoing.... ((((((SVS)))))

I read it PS! Several times. Part of the reason I am chicken shit.😁. Can't handle it all right now.

I can relate to this....I like things the way they are and just can't wrap my head around blending everything (and he is better off than me financially) I need another years of all things separate...at least another year. I admire those too who can take a leap of faith and just go for it. Think I am still too chicken shit. I like being a girlfriend who lives separately.

I agree with TS....when he moves in down the road...you can do joint projects that you both want (and he can split the cost) Right now it's your home. You bought it..you're paying for it...do the stuff you want done. I am assuming your name is the only one on the deed? When he moves in...is he going to be renting (keep it only in your name) from you or paying for half the costs. If he's paying half the costs add his name to the deed...he would feel like it's both of your home. Only if he is equally contributing finally to the house (Of course I know some may think I am a bitch when it comes to that stuff...but I can't help it!) I know it's complicated and messy....this is why I don't want to live with NG..but that's me.

My stress level has been at an all time high...and so is my dreaming..like several dreams a night. And lately I have been thinking about how much different life is now at 8.5 years out...how much my kids ha e grown since he died (they were babies) and how if it came back he would be a complete stranger to them. So after my dream about cautiously driving around a cliff top highway without guardrails but coming back feeling totally exhilarated that I did it...I dream the ole he faked his death dream. He faked the suicide...but then went crazy...and knew he was going crazy which is why he wanted us to think he was dead...He went homeless, lived under bridges, long hair beard, talked to himself...all this was shown in a movie to me so I could see how he had been living for the past 8 years. Then he does kill himself...and his voice tells me "Now I am really gone..but finally free". Sigh. This is why I am tired all the time lately..I have like movies going on in my head when I sleep

I am not an old widow...certainly not a 20 something but somewhere in the middle... As a woman...I don't want to get remarried...nothing to do with money-Actually money wise I would be better off marrying NG in many ways including SS benefits. But I don't want to live together either. I don't think it's a male or female thing or a kid thing ...I think it's a very individualistic reason why people do or don't want to be married/remarried. I love NG..I enjoy being exclusive...but I can't do more than that right now. In my case, I didn't change...I was always upfront about not getting remarried. But now he keeps hinting around about it. He changed. But he's laid off...so things are good.

Luckily it was short lived...Today the meth lab discussion has dominated class. Of course...I am way far out...it's almost like a different world to me. I think this is why I have learned not to disclose my ordeal/circumstance...it would have been much more awkward for me if the class knew...the stares, even the sympathy or "I don't know how you survived that" Tends to make it worse or draw it out for me. At 2 years out...the whole thing was more fresh in my mind. Time is a wonderful thing. Not to say that I won't have a moment in different circumstances in life..I mean I lived through it...it's a small part of who a am (preface small part). But thank God I have now had years of creating this new life. I don't why I get myself into drug/suicide/violence type jobs. 😀. Probably because I am a horrible office type employee and want to be out in the trenches.😂.

So this week of training is about aggravated circumstances relating to children in care. Today the topic was suicide of a parent...and how the state should intervene if a parent talks about killing themselves..starts putting guns to their heads and even children who have witnessed a parents suicide in the home. And the surviving parent. And trauma..and she gave an example of a father who had threatened suicide for months then killed the kids, wife then himself. No one in my class knows my story. Only a few know I am a widow and know no specifics. These folks are from all over the state. This is why I keep it close to the vest professionally. Even though it's been 8.5 yrs...it took me back to my kids...and my son telling me his Dad was dead. He was 4...he's now 13 and says he doesn't remember. Sigh another day tomorrow....tomorrow is about meth labs...😳

Oh I know....Cute PB neighbor is in Canada till end of the month on business (and he has a gf now-but something tells me it's not exclusive!) I do love my neighborhood and they are probably the only ones we will keep in touch with In years to come. We are like family. Something tells me my new neighborhood won't have a PB neighbor...But you never know! 😀

Oh man I am sorry TS! That's tough...you are smart..you've been seeing each other for quite a while-I say you follow your heart! (And you know I rarely say that to people..but you guys I have a good feeling about) Just my 2 cents.

Oh Linda I am so so sorry. Your Dad was blessed to have you with him at the end.❤️💚💙

Maybe he's really into the relationship but just doesn't want to get married? My committed relationship has been for a year and a half...I think he is starting to think of marriage but knows I am not yet ready to think about it. But we don't live together either-nor do I want to. I think if I had a child with him I would more likely want to be married sooner (that's just me-not saying it's right for anyone else) Personally...I wouldn't bring it up again...it sounds like he's scared and it really has nothing to do with you-it's his issues to work out. I guess I would reevaluate what you are each getting/giving from the relationship..the child and take it from there. If you know he will never want to be married and you know you definitely want to be married...that could be a big issue. You don't deserve to feel "second best". You deserve it all. Really not an answer-just wanted to send support and let you know I am rooting for you either way.

It's funny...I bought the house from a young couple (they are both 30) who have 4 kids under the age of 5. 😁...They are building a large house with more land. I have observed here (town I am moving to) the 20 something start out smaller...in the 30s...want bigger more space...then hit mid 40s (my friends from high school that are still local).. Want to go back smaller with less upkeep. I don't know if it's like that everywhere- but it's that way here. (Hometown) Of course in Stepford...it's bigger bigger bigger...but most Moms don't work. Just an observation since I have left the bubble.

I am so sorry.

The height comment was bad...but to explain. This Mom and Dad...when they see me (and I am in tennis shoes picking up my kid) have made comments about my height (maybe it was nervousness I dunno).. the kid has told my son "I have never seen a woman as tall as your mom" -Hello I am only 5'10...Not 7 feet. I got so aggravated I started wearing heeled boots to games to tower even more over them. When their son spent the night here twice...they never came to the door, dropped him off and left. Just weird. Very wealthy..oil money...big wheeled trucks...very over the top with the money. And snide comments about my height. Why is it ok..but it's offensive to make comments about short people, overweight people, etc? It was a learning lesson I suppose for my son...but it still really hurt him.

Roof/Furnace/AC/Windows new in 2012. Next door neighbor is a sweet elderly/social lady with a pool who lets neighborhood swim in it if we help with upkeep!😀

I have been searching for months for a house where we will be moving. I didn't want fancy...and everything was either fancy and expensive or a big time fixer upper. My house in Stepford is 93 percent paid off. So we will have a good down payment available. I kept wondering where the basic brick ranch houses with finished basements were. The older 60s/70s houses without the bells and whistles but quality construction. Then it popped up! It's smaller and less expensive than our current home. But established neighborhood-a combination of senior citizens and families with kids. I know the neighborhood well I had friends in high school that lived here. On a hill but close to schools ball fields..smaller yards. We have 4 smaller bedrooms (but everyone gets own room now) finished basement, 2 bathrooms, finished basement...double flat driveway for basketball. Best part...it was priced about 30K less than what I am selling my house for. So when my house sells...I can pay off the new house in FULL and remaining 7 percent I owe on my house. So no more house payment. 😀. That was our goal before the kids got high school age...so we wouldn't be house poor. It's smaller but it's going to be more functional for this stage of my and my kids lives. Still have a yard and trees but not nearly the upkeep. If I have any money left over we are adding on a deck soon. Now to get my house sold. I didn't want to have 2 houses...but I knew if I didn't bid and jump on this house it wouldn't last long (they sell quick down here). I can do this...

So sorry SVS...Sending out strength to you and your son. I know it's hard...on us and our kids.

Omg these people suck! Poor M...that's just nasty of them! W cried all last week...he felt like he wasn't good enough..I was so mad I could spit nails! In reality...this Mom is a trophy wife...the Dad is a whopping 5'7 in his 2 inch cowboy boots and I tower over both of them. At games I am cordial (and had this kid to my house twice for overnight parties). I intimidate and demasculate the Dad. Because my 11 year old is as tall as him and he's twice the athlete his kid is. (This is according to bossy boy). It's just freaking insane! I hate it that may kid was made to feel this way.