Sugarbell

Someone with their shit together.😊 That covers about everything in my book. Oh and great sex.

Grandfather Mountain...is that the name of a town? --we would like to do outdoor stuff Sunday...get up early hike, etc...Then head out of town around 2 or 3 (it's a 5 hour drive to Asheville). Saturday Biltmore and Arborteum (hopefully)-Go more into town if we have time. should be arriving at the Lodge around 4 on Friday and will probably just hang out there-let my daughter swim in the indoor pool-stay close. I am trying to see as much as I can in 2 days (I do this all the time on trips and drive my boys crazy. NG is like me and likes to see/do everything when traveling and my daughter is the same way.

I have never liked the holidays....it puts so much pressure on people-especially those in fragile states anyway. (we went through about 6 Christmas Eves years ago with my brother when he would go bat shit crazy) Think about it...it's the time of the year with the shortest amount of sunlight. Cards, decorating, presents, baking, obligations, -Homestly I have always just looked at it as a another full time job for 6 weeks. Not to mention parties whether you get invited or not...school stuff etc. And I don't think Jesus was even born this time of year anyway. For my kids sakes...I am like a well trained dog...we do it, decorate, to the church plays, etc. For 15 years I have been on auto pilot for everyone's sakes. Charities everywhere-Feeling guilty if you don't donate all the time (I donate my time and money year round where I feel called to-Not because A holiday tells me to) I love getting together with family any other time of year. I more or less celebrate winter solstice even though I am not Pagan. I guess what I am trying to say is....I no longer apologize for hating this time of year. Society (and my Mom) used to make me feel bad for not being Norman Rockwell into the season. Let's celebrate "Christmas" in June-I think actually that's when Jesus was really born. It's Disney on Crack--And I just get through it every year thinking "This top shall pass" That's just me.

Thanks!!😊 We are staying in Flat Rock at a Mountain Lodge type place. I also want to go to the NC botanical gardens-suppose to have beautiful lights for the holidays and Biltmore. Hoping to get 1/2 day to do outdoor hiking stuff-just my daughter is going (Mom agreed to both boys) and she's adventurous and a great traveler:

I think of the holidays (especially Christmas) as Disney on crack. Not really a trigger...I just can't stand it!!

From what I remember the third year was very tough. Probably my worse (but my addiction had spiraled at that point and I felt very pressured to re marry-which I briefly did and it was a 5 month disaster). And I agree....at this stage many think everything is fine and the lives (prior/present) get all jumbled together. On the bright side-year 4...things become clearer...time starts doing it's job...you evolve totally I totally into the "present/now" life...And for me anyway started on an upward climb outta the hole of despair.

Part of my addiction recovery is thru service to others. I have found having one or two charities/groups I work with helps me. Yesterday was actually international survivor of suicide day and we had events around the state. Even though I really didn't want to devote 4 hours of my Sat-and I admit I was mentally drained-I enjoyed being the facilitator for the "loss of a spouse forum"--I feel like I need to give back-Also with RX drug abuse volunteering. My 12 year old does local fundraising for mission groups in Haiti and volunteers for special Olympics thru our youth group. He bitches and moans but is always nicer and more thoughtful after he's done it. I don't volunteer at school or church-Just help where I feel called. I think it keeps us balanced. In moderation.

We are going to be in the Asheville and Flat Rock area next weekend. Plan on touring Biltmore Estates and staying at a Mountain Lodge in Flat Rock. I know Asheville is a super neat little town-I have never been there...and was wondering if anyone from that area or those who have been to the area had any suggestions. Possibly may have 2 out of 3 of my kids with me. (it was supposed to be a romantic getaway planned by NG but luckily he's adaptable.😳...Anything kid friendly would be helpful! Or adult friendly...it's up in the air whether my kids are going (depends on my Mothers mood on Thursday whether she will watch all 3 or just my oldest. That's another story) Suggestions?

I dunno...I don't think of it as a double standard at all...just because you don't want in a relationship with someone who suffers fr clinical depression doesn't mean you can't support, be friends with, be there for someone with a mental illness. One of my closest girlfriends is bipolar. I knew this go around I didn't want involved with a man with young children-I have several single platonic male friends with little kids-we talk and share advice sometimes. Just because I don't want to date them doesn't mean I not there for them I think they are cool people: I don't date guys shorter than me-but that doesn't mean I don't find short guys cool to hang out with: Personal circumstances also come into play....losing DH to suicide and watching my brother battle manic depression for 20 years comes into play. But I think the important thing is knowing what you want and not leading anyone on. Which is why I said I have never gotten to the point of realizing someone is depressed in a relationship-usually never made it past first date for other reasons: It's a choice in looking for a partner-I know my list was black and white this time-but it worked for me-no one got hurt, no drama:..just knew what I wanted:

It's hard and exhausting ending a serious relationship. First off...sorry you are going thru this. Any way you slice it it sucks. Just from your posts.:.it seems your gut has been telling you something isn't right: That feeling will always be there. Just in my experience...you can put it off another year, do counseling...but that inner feeling won't stop speaking to you. I find it best to always listen to my intuition--...Just my opinion. Keep calm...and be prepared for some drama: I have a feeling you are going to get it after/during your break up. Please stay strong-don't get brow bested or weighed down with guilt and think it's just easier to stay. -- The calmer you are--the less drama--if you fees into it-even by guilt/feeling bad...it will nourish it and it will grow/continue on.

Oh I get this. We've been in this hone for 15 years...I love the house and my neighborhood-but know in my gut it's the right decision to sell and move: I have been having nostalgic moments..and I know for the money I will never find a house like this again. We wheeled and sealed-they were desperate to sell and got a killer deal back in the day. But like you..the schools-1i know my kids need outta there (at least at the high school) and there are more opportunities in the town we are moving too-and family will be close by-but I still have moments-with the house and my neighbors. Ben loved this house and loved the large lots and old trees in our neighborhood-Just as my kids do.But I know I am making the right decision to love. But I still have moments.

Yes mellow is much better. I just didn't realiEe I still had that lingering in me till last week. I get so mad I shake...then get severe headaches/backaches from working myself up. And problem is solved. Sorry to hijack.::but yes I do think widdahood/solo parenting has accentuated a flip out anger in me. (Which is why I meditate and do my dippy thinhs1to stay mellow)

In my relationship...no not quick to anger...Only had one fight in over a year. 90 percent of the time I am mellow. But when I switch gets flipped I can lash out: and I don't stop. It's almost always when I am fighting for my kids..the scrappy side comes out. And I hate that anger side. It almost scares me. Last week my son got cussed out for the second time and was given a zero on his work for talking. A 25 year old young teacher. First time she told him he was an asshole and kids like him made her hate her job. (Because he's smarter than her is the bottom line) I let it go. Second time-another zero...and she screams "This is fucking bullshit" The switch flipped. And it wasn't just a moment of anger. It was predicated...bringing in examples of lawsuits, calling in people my family knows from the state, meeting with administrators, resigning as a long term sub at his school so there was no conflict of interest. He's now excused from going to her class and doing independent study with his gifted teacher and myself. She's on probation (not tenured) and now has a hearing before the board. And I am not finished. I want to destroy the bitch in WV and Ohio so she will never be able to get another teaching job. That kind of vengeance isn't normal. But widdahood and fighting for my kids solo has brought that out in me. I don't like it. But I have a feeling it's always going to be that way. Luckily the switch doesn't get flipped often.

Stick her on Aquaintances and unfollow. I have lots on FB I have done that too and I never see anything. Also put her on restricted-so she can't see your posts. She will just think you are never on there-And you don't have to "de friend"

They are all very different and have different positive and negative side effects depending on your body's chemistry. I started taking one in 1998-Not because I needed it but I sold it as a rep. It was a pill culture and we did lots of experimenting because we were stupid kids in our 20s. It's no secret I am a prescription drug addict in recovery. But the only two meds I now take are a BPressure pill and that damn antidepressant. Physically I can't get off of it. I get major brain zaps and headaches/vision problems. So I have been stuck on it for 17 years-not because I am depressed because physically I can't handle withdrawl (and I went thru opiates and benzo withdrawl but can't do antidepressant withdrawl) Just work with the doctor...stay on lowest dose possible for the benefits and monitor. They can be lifesavers in some cases and disasters in others. Most people have to try 2 or 3 different ones until they find the one that works best with them. Some sedating-some activating-Depends on the person.

I can't be with an energy vampire. That's what I call it because I have been known to end relationships before I see the full blown depression. Nothing against a mental illness-I just choose not to get involved with someone who is negative/energy vampire. I need and give positive energy. Negativity sucks the life outta me and I need all my energy for my kids, responsibilities and myself. That's just me. Can't help it.

Thanks everyone. The contractor who built our home 26 years ago still does contracting and is coming out Monday. It's going to take major elbow grease too. My hope is it seeks quickly so we have the summer to get situated. Have been on the phone with high school friends who still live in the area. Seven elementary schools feed into the middle and high school. 3 are national blue ribbon elementary schools so am hoping to find a place in those areas. If house doesn't sell by Aigust-we will stay in my folks basement till it sells so the kids can start school. I've been good about keeping contact with hometown people. But I haven't lived there in. 25 years. If it was just me-I would head to the mountains-but undoubtedly this is the best place for my kids. It's one of the top 8 public high schools in the state. And I do worry about them getting adjusted. I know if won't be all roses and lollipops and we will have bumps in the road-but if I don't get them outta here I will regret it probably for the rest of my life. Our high school is so bad...I can't even elaborate on how bad it is because it's embarrassing. But we are great in single A sports (the smallest high school division) and that's all the parents care about. I know their Dad would totally want me to do this. He was much brighter than me and took all high level high school courses. My oldest in particular has to be challenged...because his mind is always going and I am already seeing a decline in motivation.

No need to be guarded...my kids are a huge part of my life I can't help but talk about them. Yes I would find it odd if they didn't ask. But-I do see where you are coming from...I think if I had one child and they were only 3 or 4 (can't remember your daughters age but I know she's young)... I probably would be much more guarded. When my oldest was 4...I didn't have as much to share (like older kids you can keep it more general-school, friends, interests they have developed) But when they are young and you're only one. In the beginning I would probably be vague too. Just trying to see both points of view. Everyone's situation is unique.

Thanks everyone it's been helpful!!

As some of you know I have wrestled with this for years....Now, I am teaching as a long term sub at our high school ( grades 7-12 only 600 students) and it was the final straw. I can't send my kids to this high school for 6 years. The kids here (almost all of them ) have a hard time even making a 22 on the ACT (that's the min score needed for this state scholarship)--Our valedictorian last year couldn't get a 22!!...The school is safe...but very low standards academically. My oldest is already bored..and when he's bored he's going to get in trouble. Sports are great...but that is the ONLY priority here. I love my neighborhood and home..low cost of living..but it's not enough. I can't sacrifice my kids future. Had a family meeting..we are moving back to the town I was raised in. It's an hour south of here. Bigger town...larger high school..I have talked to a few teachers and the counselor I went to high school with..Kids are tracked starting in 6th grade based on test scores....13 Advanced Placement classes..Large marching band, theatre/dance dept at high school..great studio for my daughter. It's not a football town (the team won one game this year)--But has always been known state wide as a top baseball program which is what my boys play. I will have my full certification active by summer so I can apply for teaching jobs down there...I can sub there if I have to for awhile (same money per day as here-the state keeps it the same for subs)--My folks are there to help with shuffling the kids if needed. NG-is the same distance whether I stay here or move...Just different driving routes. I have a realtor/friend who is helping me get the house ready..I have a contractor coming because we need major improvements if its going to sell quick. I am not listing it until April. I want the kids to finish out the year here. I am not telling many people until the house goes on the market. Houses are more pricey in my childhood hometown I know...but I am willing to get something smaller if needed...or live out in the country (its cheaper)--for the benefits. My oldest son I can tell is relieved..My younger two don't care either way. They know people in my hometown from being down there a good bit over the years. It's not a strange territory to them. Oh and the high school has the number 1 archery and rifle shooting team in the East. All my kids shoot archery. I know this is the right decision. I have a lot of work to do this winter on the house...And its going to be a fair amount of $$$ to get it ready to sell. :)

At 8 years..I can say my career has ebbed and flowed. I will say when he died in 2007....I was at the top of my game with a pharmaceutical company-He did the same job. I lost ALL interest in that profession-for so many reasons I just couldn't go back to it. And yes..while my kids were small..I lost all interest in a career-just working when I had to for $$$$. I think it was a combination of widdahood and small children. I can't blame it all on widda hood. And now...I think I have had 3 different careers since becoming a widow (maybe more)--I haven't lost the drive/ambition for work/career....It's just become that my kids/responsibilities have forced me to slow down and get into a career that works with them. But the drive is still there...but not like it used to be 10 years ago. I am not about making the big $$$$ like I was 10 years ago. Now..I work so I can live. I don't live to work.

I love it as far as getting stuff done. Like you I am up at 5 and do housework-or get to school early with my kids so I can work on stuff. However...I don't kind it getting dark by 6. Makes for a long evening. But I do feel better thus far. Basketball starts this week in the evening...not sure how that will affect me!

I am so sorry you are dealing with this and facing these kind of decisions.. But personally...unless you have really thick skin..I wouldn't do it. So many times I have felt grateful no one had FB, twitter or anything and media wasn't involved when my husband died.

Shoot this needs moved to general and I don't know how to move it. Did not mean to place it here.

This is my first experience teaching jr high. Question?? I know at high schools (at least most) students in 9th grade are sorta tracked with more college prep classes/general/ etc. I remember in 7th/8th grade 30 years ago..we were tracked in math//English/reading..Some kids took algebra in 7th and 8th grade...some advanced English, etc. Here..all the kids are grouped randomly...Math included..It's just Math 7. Now my Science classes are also random...every class has a few top kids...a few middle...and a few really slow. It's so aggravating because the more advanced kids...are well held back...I teach to the slower kids...because they are also the trouble makers and I have to keep them on task...If they don't understand something..behavior goes out the window. I am just wondering..is random class placement in Jr. High the norm?? Or is it just here?