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Not to me, but another widow I know started dating NG about 6 months out, and he had the same name. Her son seemed okay, too, because he had Dad and then Matt. They are still together, 3 years later.

First, big, BIG applauds to you for this momentous occasion! What a great holiday! And having DH's family over and NG and boys will be there! WOW! So happy for you to be able to do that. No suggestions. You are handling it beautifully. Just check in, I guess, with NG on all is good. Trial and error. If not happy with the flow, know for next year.

Thanks, Forgottenwife, for the response and support. I am 15 yrs. in MY HOUSE this month. 21 yrs. here. You all lived in the same town? I guess if we lived in the same town and could see each other regularly, that would work. But we don't. I tell him our relationship is surreal, often. We spend time together and then go to separate worlds. I can't wait until son is graduated, 5 1/2 yrs. I want the day to day companionship sooner, not later. I have a friend that is on yr. five of long distance, but she doesn't mind. Everyone is different. Yeah, my only child rules the world. NG comments some on this. He was a stepson at the same age, his mother remarrying. I don't mind his observations as long as they are respectful and they are. I can agree to disagree and we do some. But all good. I think it would be great for my son to have step siblings. I wanted more children, and it didn't happen. Maybe a gift for us? The kids have fun together, but it has been very limited due to schedules as we have separate lives and activities with our kids. Will see....

Thank you Mizpah, for responding. You are right. This is about me moving forward and having a reason. My move to TX to be there a family hub didn't guarantee any wonderful family interaction, but at least close. My son's back up is there, my nephew, only 9 yrs. younger than me, so that was the goal, start a relationship just in case. I have lived 22 years in my hometown, married, 4 yrs. in the same state married, finishing up graduate degrees, and now 21 years in the town I live. I am not a mover, obviously, and my mother and MIL followed us here as we were stable. My NG is former AF, 13 years in Europe, Iraq, Korean, traveling extensively. He finds it funny my "roots". The town is not far. Folks from my present home go there to shop, school, eat, doctors. So, my logic is I may see some friends as frequently as now, as we are so busy. 4 months since my GFs and I have gotten together. CRAZY! I have 13 yr. old to go, too. This is perhaps my greatest concern. Making a choice that would impact us both greatly. NG has talked about being a stepdad to my son. He is up for it. They are very different. NG played rugby for 11 years in Europe and my kid, despite my efforts for well roundedness, is a tech kid, not doing any sports currently. But that is the deal. Thanks again for the support and advice.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I guess I needed to "type"it out to make my thoughts real. My coupled friends and even family may find it absurd to up and move from my neat, safe, home, community. I think you are right, Bunny, that I want change, and this may give me a reason to try. I never was single. I married my high school sweetheart, so to be making decisions all by myself for my child and me is HUGE! I admire so many folks on here that have, do and jumped! My move to TX really was thrown a loop when I found out my son had to be a resident of our current state to access the college tuition paid. It is not a federal guided program. It is a big benefit to not use. Interestingly, NG and I text this a.m. and in our "missing" each other, he commented maybe 2018 we could "put it all together so we can wake up together and still attend to our responsibilities." We are on the same time frame! But, as others here have stated, we know loss and life does change on a dime, so why wait? That is our challenge all the time, isn't it, from joining this stupid club..... Thank you again.

Sunshine FL, We are committed. We have discussed marriage and cohabitation and marrying in the church but not legally at this time. I have benefits I receive that allow me my choices currently I would lose with remarriage. He has concerns of marriage since wife left him, and his finances were wrecked. I have discussed prenup, but that still doesn't change my benefits being lost with remarriage. I plan to talk to my pastor about this, just have not yet. My mother turns 88 tomorrow and has dementia. She is in an independent condo in a senior citizens community with a sitter 5 days a week and I do the weekends, and they have one there, same company, so if she needs nursing home care, right there. I am not a jumper, and I tip toe in the water, so I am talking 1 1/2 yrs. from now due to my son's schooling. His HS he would attend is terrible, and I can't afford private school. This town with the university has really good schools as I have researched. So, that is a factor in my choice. I guess I am realistic that if for some reason it didn't come to fruition, I would be in a better community for me and my son. And I would have more options. My son can go to any state school tuition paid due to my DH's military service. I am land locked from moving to my family hub in TX unless I want to lose that huge benefit. Yes, I have thought of other things. I guess I feel I have allowed myself to be trapped due to fear and that is not good. I changed jobs, and that helped, but still. This small town is DH's home with me. I continue to live as if he is deployed. New Guy and I have a lot to discuss and we are getting there. Slowly. I am not invited to his town, LOL. But the long distance is difficult. We have wonderful times together, but it is not realistic for long term. If I were closer, we could field it out better.

Needing some feedback from my tribe of widowed folks. I have NG. 9 months. I love him. WE talk long term. He lives 1 1/2 hour from my home. I have home, 21 yrs. here. I have neighbors, church, job, network, connections. I have stagnant life. I kept things so consistent for son, I think I overdid it and now he is unwilling to change, move. He is 13. Last year, started talking about moving to new family hub, way away from here. Meet NG on line. It is complicated. He moved from out of state as wife took children out of state, divorced him. He followed when he learned he could not get 50/50 time with them since she took them out of state and he waited too long to change things and jurisdiction changed. I have known all this since on line conversations. He is "stuck" in her hometown, now, but wants to be with his children often, hoping to increase his time, going to court. His kids are younger than my 13 yr. old and he is younger than me. He is staying there until the youngest graduates. He left a great career, church AND girlfriend to be near his sons. Devoted dad. A great attraction for me. I want change. DH will be gone 5 years in Jan. I didn't date again until 4 years passed. I thought of this last year before he met me. Now, I am contemplating moving to his town. I have my working license, could find work I believe, and I have some flexibility as I work pt. time as it is. I have taken care of my MIL situation and my mother turns 88 tomorrow, so I am working things out with her needs, too. I am her caregiver. Approached my none widow friends, and they are protective. They, of course, want to know why I need to change and uproot my life for him when I have full custody time with my child. Devil's advocate. I hear their concerns. I have it VERY well here with support. 21 years in this community. But this is my life with DH. Why we are here, his job. Everything is about our life. It is over. So, uprooting my life on a chance for a great love again even though it is complicated? I see others here doing it. I don't want to lose a good thing due to fear. I should be FEARLESS. But I do have my child's needs to consider. The town is larger, has small university, and an outstanding Gifted Program, ranked #1 a couple years ago Newsweek. My tech geek child could thrive with the opportunities, too. So, the new town would be larger, have more opportunities, and get me closer to NG to test waters better as we are just seeing each other about twice a week if lucky. Oh, get this, my insurance with PPO dumped in the state, so new one I can get is HMO. Guess where my contractual health care providers mostly are: this town! I guess what I need is the reminder that life changes, and taking a leap after a loss of a spouse can be great, right!? And that those like my loving friends cannot fathom this, as they haven't ever lost what we had, to even think about a new life. I had never considered any other life, of course. Overthinker extraordinaire!

Ha, the height thing made me chuckle! NG is 5'11''. I am 5'5" 1/2. With heels, I am respectable to him, but he still calls me short. MY DH was 6'2'', so he is short to me! It is all relative.

My top ones - too many to share. Preface this with I am a LCSW, child and adolescent therapist, trauma treatment specialist and the only one specifically trained in trauma in my office and was working at a mental health center, with many LCSWs, psychologists, and doctoral interns. AND now I am dealing with my own trauma. 1. Doctoral Intern tells me 3 weeks out this experience will make me a better clinician. Yeah, put that on his gravestone. YOUR death Made me BETTER at my job. THANKS. 2. ER is coming in. Staff asks me if I can see it. Child who lived but sister died in car accident. My husband died in a car accident. I said, "not yet." My boss and psychologist, 29 yrs. of practice tells me, "You are going to have to do it someday!" 3 days after the one year anniversary and I had taken off, and he knew why. THANKS for your compassion. 3. Go to court house to get police report for accident with son in tow. Going to find out the details of what happened. The court aide tells me to wait, and then an officer appears and hands me a subpoena to court for a work case. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I am not working. My CEO was supposed to take care of it but didn't get it done. THANKS for the help, mental health center. 4. Deposition on phone. I know the judge and he knew my husband from community groups. Starts deposition with giving me his condolences, 6 weeks out. Yeah, good timing for that. I am a better clinician from all the bad experiences I had with mental health professionals and hearing from board members here about undesirable experiences. Still makes me SMH.

NG is still waiting on his green card, he tells me! Had a bunch of them at first on-line! A Meme I received: In reality, all girls (and guys) are crazy, so you just better pick your favorite kind! Yuppers!

Good topic. I, too, dated no one but LH since teen yrs. Dating.....what the heck? I read rules about all this, too. NG and I are close to 10 months. At first, he paid for everything. But he is a single dad with two kids, child support, a home he chose to buy versus an apartment, so his boys have a HOME to come to, etc. He told me the "man always pays" at first. But over time, I started offering here and there. I also read up on dating a single dad with kids. He has financial constraints, also. It didn't seem fair to me to have him drop $100 or more for us to go out to eat and anything, really. I don't like to call or text him first. I was told NEVER be first, as he needs to do that. We discussed this, and he told me I could certainly call him when I wanted to talk to him. He informed me that guideline was not necessarily true anymore. I told him I didn't want to chase him or appear needy, but he told me neither was the case in his understanding of who I am. : I think the "pursuing" issue is more that you have to have a life outside of just being with him all the time. He needs to know you are interesting enough to have things you like to do without your whole world focusing on him, which I understand is attractive, and certainly healthy in any relationship. My point, you have to figure out each person you are talking to and what works best for you all. PS, is your sister dating? Hard to get advice from coupled people. My GFs just don't know what to tell me.

“Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it.’ But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.” ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed This quote, among others from this book, hit home in describing what it is like to lose your person, for me. As a Christian, I vowed to be one, and I lost half of me. To rebuild has been the most difficult task of my life, even beyond my father's long illness with Alzheimer's, my infertility issues, my DHs treatable cancer. I don't run, but I walk well most days, but the pain is still there, but you learn to live with it somehow. I understand.

I try to keep saying this to myself, and it works most of the time. It will be 5 years in Jan. The "stuff" is becoming a burden now. That being said, I cleaned our basement in Oct. I have half finished and half unfinished, but two big rooms. Disposing and passing on things was a goal. Done it before. But this time, I was hit with the reality of the dreams being dead. We were to finish out the unfinished, make a game room, man cave, place to have people over. We used to do that often even without it finished, grilling out, playing cards. Then it was turn it into the kids place to have friends over. I was so emotional AGAIN, letting the reality sink in that those dreams, plans are over, and this big space is just that, not a holder for our future. It is HARD, and I don't think others get it. Cleaning out your grandparents or parents things is difficult, but not the same as letting go of your future, desires, life planned. Just keep going at your own pace, but accept it may be emotional when you least expect it. Or you may be ready, and it is a matter of fact task.

Thank you both for your support and validation. It is getting a bit better. WE are spending more time together, even the off weekends when he has his kids, I am getting together with them with my DS, so we are testing the waters that way, too. I have decided to tell myself, a mantra, which is true, that he means what he says and says what he means. He has told me that from the beginning, from his profile on line. He doesn't have time for less than that, and sometimes he is too brutally straight forward . So, that is helping to remind me where he states he is, so I don't second guess. 33 years of no dating except my dear husband, and that is a challenge. Again, this awesome board helps me to see, read, about others maneuvering successfully this uncharted territory. So glad to have folks to bounce things off. And I NEVER DREAMED I would be here, dating, in a relationship. So much hope. :-*

Imissdow, I think you should chat with some possible prospects. If someone is interesting, you find a way in your schedule which are weekend nights. If something happens, you will change schedule. If not, you are doing things you enjoy. Win/win. ;D

First, big hugs and lots of love and support. I don't think there is a length to healing. Everyone must go at the pace they need. It is hard. Just keep going, acknowledging what you feel, and keep on keeping on. Triggers are just difficult. Something I never truly understood until I understood.....

So beautiful! THANKS for sharing your hopes and dreams and love! :-*

Just looking for some validation here. This strange paradox we live. I have been dating NG 9 months. Time flies. Long distance, so not able to see each other as often as we like. But this is the thing. I am swinging from feeling so great about it all to being completely insecure about everything! I HATE this. He is as transparent as they come, stating he knows no other way to be. He says what he means, he means what he says. Nothing to hide, open book. I overthink it all. I didn't feel this insecurity with my DH. I was just with him, no matter, and in 28 years of togetherness, there wasn't this ambivalence. I just KNEW, trusted and expected we would always be together. This insecurity is awful feeling and very unattractive, so I do not communicate it much as I know it is my head game. Geez..... Why it has to be so different? Just a rant.

I read your original post. I didn't know how to respond without sounding contrived or say things you have heard over and over. I am so sorry. I don't know why some folks have so much of a burden. 7 yrs. is so long to carry so much. It isn't fair or just. You don't deserve it, either. I hope there is still a flicker of light. I know you must be so, so tired. Please keep checking in. YOU are not alone.

I will be 5 years out in Jan. At first, dreams were about him leaving me. This was devastating as he told me he never would, and he would outlive me. Researched a bit and a common theme, your brain trying to reconcile that they are no longer here and if they left on their own, some control? It was painful and I would cry terribly. First 6 months. Then I started having some that were just day to day dealings and that was nice until I awakened and had to remind myself it was dream, he wasn't here. I chose to start dating this winter. I began the transition of thought of being married to available to date summer of 2015. The visits have stopped pretty much, now. Almost like they say they know we need them near but when we are ready to move forward without them, they go. IDK NG and I have dated for 8 months now. I think about him now regarding feelings, intimacy of any kind. I think my brain had to do so as well as my heart, letting go of DH or I couldn't move to another man in my life. I am thankful for that actually.

Boy, each situation is so different, and age wise, too. My DH picked up our son from an after school care program daily. He was playful, loud and a big guy, and so the kids were always drawn to him or at least, knew him. Those kids wrote cards and letters to my son. His classroom did too, and the principal, guidance counselor and some other staff all came to the visitation. Small town, so news travels. Larger cities, larger schools, not being there very long in the system, all different. But if your daughter can help out. The info from the grief center sounds wonderful to share. At DS' 6th grade parent/teacher conference, a child had lost a parent and the teacher told me she thought my DS could help the other child out and that he had the personality to do so. In 4th grade, his teacher told me he was one of four to lose a parent (military post near by) in the four 4th grade classes. So, not alone at all.

Wow, I understand your annoyance. Maybe the family told the school folks not talk about it? And they are being respectful? I hope. I did the opposite. Son was 8. I went to his classroom two days after the funeral and sat in his class and told the kids with him on my lap. The guidance counselor was there, too. I have handled a lot of difficult stuff with kids, but NOT my kid. I did it with him. Not sure how. It was good for my child and his friends. No secrets, then.

You will figure out best for you. My brother, a widower, remarried in May. I think they said it, but I know the said they both wished to be with each other and be faithful servants to the end. Christian wedding. Sure you can find a way to say what you mean.

So many triggers! Can't name them all. Definitely the cubbies, die hard fan and being in the south, people remember his passion and make comments to me. I am an Illini grad, too. Julester3. I have an official chief shirt, video of the last dance and last dance framed pic from Assembly Hall where I worked in college. My license plate is the Chief, so when people comment I remember my DH got all that for me in 2007. Every major death of a singer/artist, and I am like, oh, DH is hanging with Bowie, Prince, etc. I am having a hard time with my kids confirmation classes I attend some. When they discuss things, it is such a kid level of thinking but I know my kid has such a deeper thought process than worrying about passing a class and praying about it. He knows death and some things can't be changed, even with prayer. I have to hold it together sometimes, triggers....

Arneal,, I am sorry. I kinda went into Debby Downer mode. I am told I am a bit too clinical at times. Occupational Hazard. Please enjoy all the wonderful parts of the NEW! It is fabulous, exciting and a JOY! Can't have too much JOY!!!