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Thanks for the support/replies. I am working on things. Pt of my back story is I have already dealt with my father's early onset Alzheimer's, 5 yrs. in a nursing home and then death, in my 30s. I thought that would be the hardest thing in life until my husband died in a car accident. My mother was the primary caregiver for my dad, me 2nd. She moved to my town a year after his death and has been here 9 years. She was completely independent and then got sick quickly. I hired a sitter, and she has one 5 days a week, for the past 6 years. She has dementia. I handle her appts., finances, and I am on call 24/7. I am the weekend caregiver and still have my tween son to manage and his activities. Last summer, I decided I wanted life to be different and started the process of enlisting my 3 brothers' help as being the widow with an elementary school age child and then caregiver of my 87 yr. old mother was taking its toll. I had no life. I decided if my eldest widowed brother could date and move on, I have the right to. I also was called out by a friend that I had taken on the MARTYR role, which I had. Not attractive in the least, but accurate. My mother's finances are now dwindling, and I am working with one brother on this, also. A nest egg can go away quickly. My mother has the family farm in another state, and me and my one brother manage that, too. This is her last nest egg. And quite complicated. That is my story and why I am so reluctant to take on MIL's care, too. And I finally started dating. My mother is pleased. Our parents actually do not want us to be alone, something I never considered. My confused mother can still tell me I am too young to be by myself. How about that? Anyhow. Great info here to assist. I will do what I can to help my MIL and pursue her family's assistance, too. Thanks.

I get it. Took a break from the board as I couldn't read about it all the time. I have a widow friend I meet with monthly, 2 yrs out. I can provide her an ear, support. Can't read the short time threads or go to hospitals easily, still. Understand, and it is okay. We get to choose when we can, so I do. Too many situations with no choice.

Thank you for the response. Calimom. I was starting to wonder if this topic was so horrible no one wanted to reply. I will heed your advice. Balance is the key for me. I started talking to DS and my family about moving out of state to a new family hub this past yr. and making changes in my mother's care with my brothers being more involved. NG is actually for helping as much as possible, too, but worries about all my responsibilities. I guess he saw his mother taken advantage of some and treated poorly despite her trying to assist her mil after her husband's death. Yes, I try to be empathic. My mil has 25 Nieces and nephews and their families. She has incredible support but it is not here geographically. Enlisting some of them is needed. Good info to process. Also, as a Christian, I am fallible, selfish, hypocritical like anyone else. Just striving to be better in my faith walk. Hopefully, most folks are working to better themselves with whatever they use as their guide. :-)

Oh, a FYI that I find funny. My brother 16 yrs. older was widowed in 2013 and went on line after the obligatory one year wait recommended for grieving. Anyhoo, I read his profile as I was ready to jump as I figured if he could, I could. Well, my brother is as fundamentally Christian as they come. We don't agree on everything by far and I am a Christian, too. So, I am reading his profile, and I just couldn't help but get silly and a bit snarky. He stated he was a first born, and you know from birth order what that means. Ummm, no, I told him. He is far from a first born, not being a leader, does not take initiative, not helping with care of our parents despite being closet to them geographically. My 2nd eldest brother and I take care of my elderly mother, financially and physically. He didn't like that. He also put down he speaks German. Umm, no. That makes it look like you are fluent. You are not. "I took it in high school and speak some." I took French for 4 years but don't speak it fluently. He also had something down about certain exercise classes he did. Yeah, 30 years ago. He closed the computer on that critique. My point, my very honest straight laced brother did not see a problem with umm, embellishing his profile. Be careful out there!

I have written some about my MIL. Back story a bit. My DH was an only child, and we have one son together, married 21 yrs., together for 28. My MIL was not mature, never married and with circumstances and choices, ended up following us to where I live now. She was very close to my DH, obviously, and he, of course, was a good son to take care of her, but she drove him crazy. He was my buffer. Move forward to 2 years post his untimely death, and I decided I had to change our relationship for me to move on. She was very involved in helping me with my son's care, a win/win for us both. Well, son had grown, I changed from my 40 plus hr. a week job to be the parent I needed for him better, so her help was less needed. In the last year, our relationship changed to what I would tell folks, separated. She only calls in regards to DS, and that is fine. I involve her in school events, holidays, etc., but she is not popping by my house when she wants, letting herself in, calling me almost daily. I finally started dating, 4 yrs. 2 months after DH's death, and that has further sealed life is changing for me and DS. MIL had changed her POA after DH died to me, as I am the only family she has here. She is one of 8 in her generation, and she has loads of family 3 hrs. from here. She had a stroke this week! Life flighted to trauma hospital a hour and a half away. She didn't call me. A mutual friend did at the helicopter pad! I could go, and I felt the need to do so. I had no idea what I was walking into. For my DS' sake, I needed to do this. She dodged a bullet, was released two days later with no perm. damage, and I went to get her as I could. BUt NOW what? I do not need to be the main caretaker. She told her extended family not to come. I have myself, my own 87 yr old mother here, and I am the POA and health surrogate for, and my son. I work part time now to manage my mother and my son and my life. I can't take on her care. I had made such good avenues in changing our relationship, and now this. My NG is a MBA logistics guy, so logical. He told me many things about this situation that were not pleasant to hear, but realistic. His mother is widowed and did help with her former MIL as much as she could when needed. So, I am trying to decide the best path, which I know involves MIL and I having a conversation, unpleasant, and likely with her extended family. I cannot take on another person and hope for changes in my life with NG, possibly. Anyone else out there dealt with this? Advice. I can handle the good, bad and ugly.

TofinoMan, I so agree about the photo/pic thing on line. But my brother lost his wife a year later after I lost my DH. He started the on line dating one year to the date, taking the grieving recommendations from Griefshare. He had a friend that helped launch one of the main dating sites who helped him with his profile. She noted that you get more reads if you have picture, a significant amount, though the percentage leaves me. Also, ChristianMingle only allows head shots for the profile pic and approves all pics and profile writing, an attempt to keep the site in line with the faith base. There are no risque pics, no bathing suit shots or such. In chat, you can't even use certain words as it will not allow it. My guy I see works at a government contractor that makes explosives, and I tried to type "blow" up things, and it would not allow it. I realize there are still the crazies out there, the scammers, and you must beware, but at least this site for me worked. I hate pics. In fact, NG tried a selfie at the concert, and I said no. Took one, and it is awful! I did chat for 2 weeks with NG before we met up. I knew we needed a face to face. There is something unexplainable about a connection, a chemistry, and on line loses that, I am afraid. I know, there are exceptions, but I guess I am not that evolved. I didn't fall in love with my husband of 21 year by looks, but there was some kind of physical connection between us that you can't get on line or even in Skype. The presence of that human is powerful. I am thankful for that! Good luck everyone!

I by no means have any clout or real experience in the dating world or on line. But I wrote a short bio in Christian Mingle, as that was important to me for the man to share my faith. I am writing this from NG's home as we just got back from a night out to see the Googoo Dolls, but he had to get to a breakfast meeting. He is the only guy I talked to on and off line, and so far, the stars have aligned for us. 5 months yesterday for first face to face meeting. This is a paraphrase of my writing. I did get some attention. I posted about 5 pictures and put dates on them, as ten year old pics are not honest. Boy I wish I looked like I did ten years ago! "I have loved well and long, and life changed on a dime. I had to admit I had not put God first in my life and trusted Him. So with time, here I am ready for Chapter 2. I am a responsible, independent, serious and sometimes funny person who likes to try new things. I love live music, traveling, experiences. I have learned that experiences are far more valuable than anything, making memories. I am searching for more JOY in my life independently but am ready to share with another. I know what it is like to have a life long companion, and hope that is in my future. " Then there were some demographics in there, and that was it. I put widowed. It is who I am. I contacted one guy just because his profile was so absurd, and I was curious. He was funny but almost manic. He briefly talked to me, but he was not a dating choice for me or vice versa. There were others that I sent a message and some contacted me, but this guy I am with now is great. Good luck with the writings and searching. I am enjoying this chapter.

So glad you had such a good time with this new man. What an open conversation you had! I, too, am curious about others' responses to long term commitment. My NG and I have dated 5 months on Friday!! He told me on the third face to face date he wouldn't be casual with me. I didn't even know what that meant! Then on the 7th face to face date, he told me he loved me. We talk or text daily usually. He talks about long term together. I don't know what to think. He is divorced, and it is nasty, and he has two younger kids, and then I have my one son. That piece is crazy to me. I am a kid therapist, and I would tell friends to be very cautious about all this, and yet here I am. My brother lost his wife in March 2013 to a long battle with cancer. He married in May 2016 to his wife he met on line in Dec. 2015. He is in his 60s, 16 yrs. older than me. Just another experience close to me. I have a friend tell me not to follow any rules as they just don't work. Live your life how you want, she tells me, as no one has walked this same path. But given my career, I do consider the kids and all as I have seen the best and worst circumstances in my 21 yrs. of practice. Best to you. Open to others' thoughts, too.

Ditto to this. 4 yrs., 3 months no sex after DH died in a terrible car accident. I was fortunate to have learned to have great sex with the only guy I dated since age 14. First date with on line guy. Kiss on the cheek. I developed all these rules of what I thought I would and wouldn't do. I waited a while, but told him about the term I learned here, "skin hunger". His wife left him suddenly in the same yr. my DH died, so he related, although he had a long term girlfriend shortly after his wife left. He got it. He never pressured but gave me enough communication he found me desirable. So, we have been together 5 months now. I don't know where we are going with this .. But it is ALL good. NEVER would I have envisioned this.

Oh, it is tongue in cheek. So many things, memes, generalizations. I didn't take it too seriously. An observation, not criticism. I haven't been in the dating world for 32 years. I like learning new things, al beit, not taking it as written in stone. ;D

Random, I know, but with marrying the only guy I dated from HS, there are so many rules regarding dating. NG told me when a woman wears her matching bra and underwear, she is open to sex on the date. Who makes these rules?

I started dating LH at age 14, and he was 17. We were together 28 yrs., 21 married. I waited 4 yrs. 2 months to start dating after LH died. I told NG I might cry, as I also told him LH was the only guy for me ever. I didn't cry. It was actually really natural. I have enjoyed a new relationship, learning lots about me! I, however, do not wish to know his list of lovers. I sense a lot, since he was 20 yrs. military and overseas 11 of it. He was pretty wild in college, too. My lack of experience with other partners makes me insecure sometimes, but my confidence of being in a long term loving relationship with lots of sex makes me overcome the insecurities . Strange world being a widow, I tell ya.

Yes, this happened to me, and it was very shocking and hurtful. I am wired differently, I guess, but I was with DH since HS, and I didn't put off signals as available, and I rarely was hit on. It took 3 1/2 yrs for a man to notice me after DH's death, so it took a while for me to shake whatever that was I carried. My son is in boy scouts, my DH was a leader to be in training. Move forward and all the men that help that didn't know DH seem to stay clear of me and the women there are single, but not my circle of friends. Very isolated. One time talking to a dad at an event, his wife, a TEACHER, comes up and makes some comment about him spending all his time talking to me. I DON"T WANT YOUR MAN. Wow. Noticed it at other events, very subtle claims on their date, spouse, etc. SAD part of this. Over it now, but at the beginning, so not prepared. Get it.

Cheesy, but some songs can say so much. We didn't ask to be single parents but here we are. I pray my heart can open to the possibility of my son having another father figure in his life that chooses to love him as his own. I would not think possible, but being placed in this situation, I am open to it. Have too many others who share it can work. Incorporating the birth parent's memories into a new life with new people. good luck!

This is a tough question and already there are different opinions, so that just tells me there is not one answer for all of us. I know when married, my marriage came first, and the parenting came 2nd. But not talking any abuse or such. My child needed to see us emulate the relationship of spouses. So, now spouse dies, and new life. I think it depends on many factors, like age of the children. If you have adult children you have raised, then maybe it is time for them "let go" and "let the parent" have a life. This goes for divorce situations, too. To have adult children control the outcome for the single parent is off in boundaries, I believe. Also, I would think adult children would not want their single parent to be alone if the single parent did not wish to be alone. Now, younger children are a different story since we have an obligation to care for them, but they still don't rule the roost of the household, right? So, lots of ideas through my reading of this subject. No one size fits all for sure.

Yeah to MomtoJandJ! I had a few men contact me, getting on line first of Feb. 2016. I swear they wanted a green card or were just lonely truckers. A few contacted me and then ghosted when I replied. Enter the NG. I looked him up. He had a soldiers' uniform on, in Iraq at one point. I live next to one of the largest Army Posts, where my DH worked, too. So, I started with that, asking if he had been stationed there. Turned out I missed the AF Officer uniform pic, so, no, but he still responded. Told me he never would have looked at me due to the distance, out of his parameters, had I not contacted him first. 3 plus months, and we are together as a couple. He jokes he was "plucked off the shelf" by me, likely an ego boost, but he changed his rules to see me ;D. So, there ya go... I got off line in March, too. He is who he said he is, thankfully, based on the stories here. Wow....

This says it perfectly for me, too. I started changing last fall, almost at 4 years. I had decided I was living too much like my DH was just deployed. I started last year changing boundaries with MIL who was helpful at first, but then intrusive and territorial. I have her only grandson to her only child, so it is brutal, I know, but I was stagnant and unhappy. Changed jobs, but still not better. Extended in laws quit communicating around 6 months, but we had moved from the homestead so were out of the "circle" anyway. Dating now. NG, 3 months. New life. Had to, and it is exciting. I am a Christian and talked to a friend who relayed the story of Ruth and Naomi. They were quite close after Ruth's husband died, and Naomi (MIL) and Ruth were together, but then Ruth met Boaz. She related how Ruth had to move foward to be Boaz's wife, leaving Naomi, or it would not work with the new marriage. And that God provided the way, the strength, the change in feelings and thoughts to do so. So, that gives me some comfort to know it was part of a plan WAY back, to let go of the dead spouse and family to move forward to really be able to meet the vows of the new marriage, life, etc. Don't know if that helps you, but it did me. Been around for centuries.... Good luck moving forward with changes with the in law relationship, as it has to change to fully open to the new relationship. IMHO

Thanks for the topic. I have struggled. I didn't even think I would sleep with NG, thinking long term relationship and proposal, but then I am a 40 something yr. old widow of 4 years. I didn't follow my guidelines. So, introduce 12 yr. old son. I have talked a lot with him about me dating. He has said things like, "It is a normal thing. You aren't going to be alone forever." He says things like that and I did wait 4 years. Well, I asked him the progression of a relationship, and he said, 'Get to know each other dating, fall in love, get physical and then marry." This is not what I have taught, a Christian, but he is seeing TV, talking with friends at school. It is a quandary of me wanting him to wait until marriage yet I didn't. Hypocrisy, I know, but a goal to teach because of my faith, and I understand the reasons why. Anyhoo, NG came from divorced home, and mother started dating when he was about 12. He gives insight. He says not the child's business, he never wanted to know his mother was doing that, etc. My single girl friends tell me to be open with my child about it, life, no lies. My course so far, NG stays the night, sleeps in my bed after son goes to bed (sleeps like a rock), and I am up getting ready before son awakens. I know it is a minefield, but I also know I have wants and needs, and I am not getting younger. OH my gosh, this is a minefield I NEVER expected to be in. So, there it is. Helpful, IDK. But I get the struggle.

Cougar? Could be fun for a bit... Just sayin.....

Ditto. Could have written this. My son will be 13 in Sept. I have had him in sports, boy scouts, activities at church, even male teachers. I have been as consistent as I could be. All the things he is in, his father was an active participant, either the leader/coach or best volunteer. BUT, it is still not the same for my child to have HIS dad. I went to a 6th grade graduation and had to stand alone with him to pin an award on him. He has done so well in so many areas, but there is still a hole. So tough. The void is palatable some days.

Thanks for this post. I need ideas, help. I purged about 3 times the first 2 years. So, a lot is gone, but now have NG. Realized how much there STILL is. NG isn't handy man, and LH was aircraft mechanic. I have tools galore. And just stuff that doesn't hold meaning as I don't use it. Crystal, china, knickknacks over the years from wedding. What to do with it? And perhaps the biggest - pictures. Took all down in bedroom but family wedding picture of us and same in living room. Have son, so he needs to have pics of us, his father. But what is too much? When to take it down? What if we end up living together? Then what with it? Have LH's pics from childhood, as he was an only child. I gave a box to his mother to take the ones of folks I didn't know, as I can't pass it down to my son if I don't know anything. She handed most back to me......what the heck?

THANK you, HM, for this post. I, too, have been introspective about this. I started dating, and have told NG I am not the woman I was. I think he gets nervous about that sometimes, but I explain that I changed to appreciate my time. I didn't realize what a workaholic I was, how I missed milestones in my only son's life due to work, helping OTHER's children. I thought I was so important in my job, but when I left almost two yrs. ago due to work requirements they KNEW I couldn't fulfill as an only parent, nothing. Life continued at my job. I realized so much I wasn't irreplaceable anywhere but in my circle of people that mattered. My NG teases me about being a deprived woman, which was true :, but the reality that I took so much for granted and that I need to appreciate my time with him, others, is the real truth. He understands now. I realized what a hypocrite I was in many ways. I am a kid therapist, trauma specialist, and I would tell people to care for themselves, prioritize time, yet I wasn't doing it myself. I live frugally, and work 2 days a week in private practice, and I can do this, thankfully. This terrible lesson made me get off the hamster wheel. I would not change this lesson, as I can seep quickly into the old me, but remind myself, my child needs me healthy and mindful more than anyone else's. And I matter. I struggle with the trauma, still, being very psychosomatic. Car accident. I am considering EMDR, something in 2003 had no research to support. The VA uses it now consistently, and I have a colleague trained. So, may sit on the other side of the room and try this. Every medical test I have had in the last 4 years for something has come up fine, thankfully, so my brain and body miss a connection somewhere. Anyhow, get the trauma aspect, but I don't have PTSD, and I am grateful for that. Thanks for sharing.

I admit I am an odd one. I met my LH the summer going into HS, and never dated anyone but him, married until he died. Well, started this online thing in Feb. and NG has professed his love to me now. He knows I had one partner, ever, finds that unbelievable and attractive, and when he told me it was a big responsibility to take on, I got insecure (& maybe PO'd) and told him I was a "Grown Ass Woman" and independent, and I chose to be with him, no pressure to "take me on". He then asked if it would be okay to take on this responsibility because he wanted to do so. (swoon) He wanted to only be with me and my son, package deal. I have only chatted with him from on line, met him, been with him, not others. Can't predict the future, of course, but so far it is amazing. So, keep on keeping on. The on line thing can make life pretty exciting! This from the woman who said she would likely choose to be alone.....Never say never.....

I appreciate your post. It resonated with me and my MIL relationship. I used to write about her on the old site. She, too, is child like, never growing up, being my DH's friend, to the point, she was the party place for all the kids when in HS. The cool MOM. So, everyone loved her. I am the only one to call her MIL as DH was an only child. She followed us to where we live after another relationship fell through for her and she had nowhere to go. She did become a great granny to our only son, and redeemed herself in lots of ways. But after DH died, she seemed to want to take his place. She was helpful and I allowed if for my son's sake, but 3 years later, I felt like my DH was deployed, and nothing had changed in my life. I left my full time job so I could be the one to take care of my son. She continued to push to be very involved, and I set boundaries. She joined our church, so she was there, and would intrude when I was with friends at dinners, talking, etc. So, every year here comes Mother's day. I have her only grandchild. I hate it. My mother is here, too, and I am her POA, responsible for her. I dread Mother's day as I have to take care of the two grandmothers, when DH would have spoiled us all. I get it. I allow contact with my son, but he is preteen and doesn't want to hang out with an old granny. I do get cards for the grandson to give her, flowers, and take her out, but not with much joy. I feel a bit ashamed, but I can't take on another person, either. She has loads of family back home but won't move because of the grandson. I have to interject often that my son is not her son. I have had to butt heads on activities she wants to do, and what I feel is appropriate. I so get the struggle. Good luck. PS. I am dating and boy she is having some control issues. So more things to deal with.....

NG and I are doing well, also, but his first visit to my home, the home I made with DH, was emotional. He said he understood and would not come, as I told him I was feeling overwhelmed, but I decided avoidance was not a good thing for me. He since has told me he loves me, and I took a few days to digest this, and decided I loved him, too. A different love, not the 28 years type of love I had with DH. I had to reevaluate the feelings, yes, overthinking, but not devalue them as they are different for a different human being. Mother's day was hard, always is, but he sent me flowers. Completely unexpected. I look forward to where this goes, the new excitement of a new love, but always know it is only as a result of the great love lost. I get it.....