tybec

I understand the confusion, and I am just dating and have fallen. 5 years Friday was sadiversary. Never thought I could live without DH but I have and am. We had a wonderful marriage, so fortunate. How could it be better without demeaning my first love, marriage, father to my son? I don't know but it is working out. NG is military like DH. They have lots in common, in fact, that I didn't know until I got to know him better. But then different enough to not compare. NG said to me that he thinks DH would be saying to me, "Go with R. He is a good guy. He will lead you well and take care of you and DS." NG has said he and DH likely would have been good friends, which is possible. The hard thing for me is to think, "love of my life" with NG (not there yet) when I had the LOVE OF MY LIFE with DH. So confusing. And guilt ridden.

NG told me I am "calming to his soul." (swoon) Maybe funny, maybe not. Get a glass of bourbon in him, and he spills his heart to me. Mr. Analytical stone cold sober. Crunches numbers all day as MBA military contractor. Interesting stuff!

Waking up everyday next to someone you trust with your life. The human touch, the security. My DH said he could never sleep well when I was away. He hugged me like a teddy bear and insisted on a queen bed as a king bed was too large; he couldn't find me . Never realized how much I took that for granted all those 21 years.

Almost 11 months. 1 hr 15 minutes away. Manage every other weekend time, once during the week and sometimes with our kids on a weekend. Divorced dad with his schedule with kids. My active 13 yr. son. WE have activities to contend with that prevent us from getting together. That is a drag. Talking it all out. Good. Respectfully. NG is retired Lt Col. and rugby player, so super masculine. Gives advice about son respectfully. I can handle it but also disagree. So far, so good. WE just spent the weeknight together. I pulled up the 36 questions to ask to "fall in love." We are already open about loving each other, but this was a real intimacy activity. I feel so much more connected and stable in the long term, which we talk about but seems so far away. I knew a lot of his answers already, but still, it helped to do this. 45 minutes but we took 2 hours. So, good conversation. Also, verified to me it is much more than our physical relationship. I am enjoying that part, but wondered if I really didn't have the depth in the relationship, but I do. Good weekend. I can talk about DH, and he tolerates it well. Quoted some movie about a man dating a widow, which meant he really dated her and her late husband. But he has said he hopes as the future goes, DH will e mentioned less and less. I think so as new memories are made. Did put away all pics in the bedroom at his request and only had a family one. Living room okay due to son, also. No photos. Not ready for that. Don't know why. Just not. PS. Sadiversary was Friday and tomorrow is funeral date, 5 year milestone. I have managed it better than any other year. Anticipation is the worst. FB lots of stuff and family did too, and it was okay. NG had heads up for it.

Not my experience, but sounds difficult. Maybe that is what you can say. "Thank you. I loved my boys' dad very much for a long time. It is hard to believe he is gone, and my sons will not have in their lives. "

Yes, had the same dreams. They were gut wrenching to think he would leave me, had been unfaithful, so out of character. I looked it up, and it is a common dream, as your brain seems to try to make some sense of the loss as leaving as they did was not their choice. Hugs! It is devastating. Wake up and so upset, only to pacify it with, "no, he died, not cheated or left me. " Yeah, the widow world...

MR, Good point. My son is 13, and not on FB. But I do consider his feelings about things. He is going to the cemetery with me today. He did not choose to go on our anniversary in Dec. I don't make him. He needs to grieve how he needs to. I post less and less now. Been since Nov. and prior to that May. But I always have lots of support, and many have losses. Not a spouse, but someone. Anyway. Glad there are all ways to handle this. One size does not fit all.

5 years today I joined this club. AND I did it. I posted his pic and wrote a note on FB. I feel good about it. I was able to write about being thankful more than sad, anger, and bitter. 5 years to get here. I have lots of support and believe many want to know you can be "okay" after such a significant lost. I want them to remember my man, husband, father, son, friend, uncle, cousin. I also talked to NG for almost an hour this a.m. I told him I was posting, and he is understanding. It is what it is. Thanks for this board of fellow club members. So glad I found it 4 years ago.

Friday is five yrs. for me. I am actually not sure if I will post. Normally I write stuff, kinda blog on our anniversary and sadiversary. Just not sure what I want to share. NG and I are discussing long term. It presents a quandary out of respect for him and my DH. Never thought I would feel this way. May go with the flow, wing it, which works generally. I think I will run his picture for the day. And , those that remember, will. He loved that George jones song, "he stopped loving her today." Maybe share that.

Update: My mom's sitter of 6 yrs. is getting married! She met a widower on line, and he proposed in Dec.and they sign on their new lake house today! He is very financially secure, and she has never had that. So, she SAYS she is staying with my mom. But there will be a commute, now, plus her fiance is moving fast. With my mom's dementia increasing, of course, I looked into some options for care. Where my guy lives is the same retirement community with more levels of care. We have independent and nursing home only. They have assisted living and memory care assisted living. also. So, looks like it might work to move my mother there when her sitter changes her mind about sitting, which I just think will happen. I told NG moving is not about JUST him, and he said he was glad about that, actually. I guess since he has his kids to manage, and I know that is a priority now, he accepts my situation of my kid and mother and me, too. So, 2018 looks promising. My one brother ( I have 3) who helps with my mother is supportive and thinks it would be good for all the above reasons. The high school there is ranked in the top 40 in the state, which is huge for my teen's education. Will the stars align? Looking brighter.....

http://herviewfromhome.com/stop-being-a-butthole-wife/

Oh, just wanted to add I know my post is bias to me and my experience, etc. So, please take it as you may. I appreciate you sharing your story and know you will work it out the best way for you and yours. It is your walk, and NO ONE has taken it, so your decisions and choices are yours alone, best for you. Had a friend remind me of this today, and I love her so for doing that. MY walk, my life, my choices.

I am a kid therapist and trauma specialist. And I was dealing with my own trauma, so I knew my son (age 8 ) needed an outlet. I went to a grief group myself, the leader a widow also, which helped out. I got my son into the hospice grief camp, surrounded him with church folks, church camp, our associate pastor and his family, and this seemed to be enough to help him through. I didn't choose individual, as there wasn't anyone more qualified than me sadly. I was the "go to" in our rural community, except for hospice. My DH worked with the youth at church 16 yrs., so I had lots of support for my son through our church family and still do. He did so well, but then I would get a phone call from the church camp director about things he said to his camp counselor, so then I would reach out to others for back up. He had a buddy through hospice, too. He went to the grief camp and other activities throughout the year, and this past year told me he was not needing it anymore. He is now 13. I finally decided to date, and with my son being a teen, this is a whole new world. I will monitor him and if needed, pursue counseling if needed as he sorts through all this, too. It is always going to come up again as kids reprocess the loss with new life experiences and their changing brains and new abilities to think about it differently. Process, always.... I am able to work with kids now with parental loss. I have seen some great things happen with them and their families. Clicking with the clinician (therapeutic rapport) is huge for any work, despite the training of the clinician or degree. Good luck with your kids whatever you decide.

I hear your struggle with your choices and the pros and cons all the way around. Very difficult. Your head tells you one thing, yet your experience tells you another. And the conflict between the two. I only had an identity as a couple since I dated DH since high school. Then I had my career, too, I developed. And then I was privileged to have a child, so another goal met I adored, another role. After DH died, things and work, position, etc. left me unsatisfied, unfulfilled. I left a career of 19 years, the security of the job, benefits, some pridefulness in what I did and who I was. I work part time and live off a small amount, but could do it, I realize, and all cannot. I re-evaluated what was important in this world we have no control over. I decided time was the most precious gift, once spent, gone. They don't put on your gravestone you were a great worker. The people who ultimately will come to your grave and remember you aren't through the job. They replace you. You are replaceable in your work. ONLY in your relationships/family are you not replaceable. " But my job has a whole lot of security in an increasingly insecure world; I worked hard to get where I am." This may be true, but in the long run, is it satisfying? Will it hold your hand when you are in need? Will it be the ER contact on your form? Is it really secure? All that.... I am struggling with choices, too. Safe, secure, familiar turf, but stagnant, fearful of change, bored. Get hurt again with the risk? Is it worth it? What if? What if? I understand it. I guess from your posts I read you are so fortunate to have found another great love, it would trump everything else. But being responsible and safe is there, too. We are bound to have an identity crisis everywhere we turn. Widowed, single, changes in family life since our loved one's death. New love, new lover, coupled again. It is going to happen unless you stay still and that is not fulfilling, right? I am rambling, now, but just some thoughts to mull over. Good luck!

What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing. There is always, always hope for better things. I try to remember that I was loved, therefore, I can love again. It is in me, a gift I received that can be shared with others, and it is not finite. This is a love story. I wrote a "blog" about "all great love stories end with tragedies, but the story is never over, as all great love stories never end." John 3:16 is the greatest love story of all time for me. And so it goes with you! Congrats! <3

I am starting the new year with NG and his kids and my son. Definitely different and better than last NY's eve. I hope to discover if we have what it takes for the long term this year. I hope to have the courage to take big steps of change for moving in the future to change my path, independent of NG. You on this board INSPIRE ME! I hope I have planned well with with my elderly mother to take care of her needs but to have a life, too. Healthy habits, always a goal. JOY, PEACE and HOPE. See this all the time this time of year, but I GET iT, NOW ;D

My confession: I love my NG. He is really wonderful in many, many ways. But I can be with him, even in after intimate moments, and DH will come up in my brain. I don't love DH like I used to, but he was my one and only since HIGH SCHOOL. Wish it would pass.... :-\

Wow, Toosoon! What a Christmas! I joke that every family has "Jerry Springer" moments, but doesn't make it easier at the time. My parents home got too small quickly for holidays. My one brother and wife and kids opted for a hotel a mile down the road. I felt bad for them not staying in the home but realized later they got the better deal! No air mattress on the floor, sharing bathrooms, hot water issues, and stuff everywhere. Privacy and a place to go take a nap when we all got too loud. Sorry for the reason, but maybe a new tradition when you visit?! And only children still are used to their space. My only child likes the socialization but also retreats to quiet when needed.

Daysofelijah, Big hugs! This situation would be hard anytime of the year, but Christmas. Ugghh...... No words of wisdom, just support. I could be in your shoes tomorrow, so I appreciate you sharing, though it is a difficult share. Warm thoughts and prayers your way to work out the holidays as best as you can and find a working solution to this sooner than later.

Arneal! How fun! YOU go!

I understand. I kinda started blogging on FB, writing notes after DH died. I wanted folks to know I was still out there, raising my kid, not forgetting. I also knew I could help others going through grief that couldn't share. I am a therapist, so it was therapeutic. But I kinda wanted to share that my life really hurt and was painful, even with my own profession, and that I didn't get it until I GOT it. I also used a lot of my faith based beliefs. I have always had lots of responses. People have made comments about my genuineness, gut wrenching sharing, that told my story and helped some of them. I didn't do it for show. It was too painful to do it JUST for show. The writings are less and less, now anniversaries, the sadiversary. But I don't want people to forget about DH, and me and my son. It is also my journey of healing, which is to let others know it gets better, SLOWLY. I am sure there are eye rollers, thoughts of "there she goes again." But I don't care. I don't know if they think that so no big deal to me. On the outside, I have myself together. I have my kid and elderly mother to care for. But I didn't want people to really think it was all okay in a few months or even a couple years. Now I share DH, like you. I want them to remember him, too, and that his son is still here. He is part of us after death. He was that remarkable, not to be forgotten. I am dating. We are not FB official as we don't do that, either of us wanting that. I do post less of my DH and our love story out of respect for him. When we are more official, I will probably limit it almost completely. I too have shared some of the articles here, and always get someone sharing it was helpful. I think this is one of those "who cares what others think" situation. They didn't walk in your shoes, and they can't get it completely, but if you want to share, do so. Honor DH's memories, love story, healing process and the good, bad and ugly of it all. People who don't want to see it can block you or unfollow you and you wouldn't miss them. IMHO. Oh, and NG knows I am in a small town and has attended church with me, been out and about with me. He is aware of others talking, noticing, my neighbors. (A neighbor cornered him at wedding he escorted me to and let him know how she thought about me and he better treat me well. He thought it was sweet, not turned off.) He has asked me if I worry about that. I told him most people are HAPPY I am dating. They WANT to see me move forward, as it is hope for them that even if you lose the love of your life, life goes on and be good. WE are walking testaments every day.

Love your suggestions, Captain's Wife. I wasn't thinking so practically, but also marking the occasion with new traditions, honoring the old. Great ideas.

No expert or lots of experience here, but read here, the old board, and my brother (also widowed) met his now wife on line. He had a friend that helped put one of the original dating sites together help him with his profile and everything, too. Also, NG did the on line for a couple years, almost. Have to have your deal breakers like smoking. You may miss a great person, but if you know you cannot live with it, then there will be someone else, right? Pictures a must. My brother had some stat on hits for profiles with pics versus none. Just the way it is. Also, pics need to be recent. NOT 10 year ago. Scared me to death but I dealt with it. If you need active, put it down. If you don't, write it down. NO game playing. Met with NG within two weeks of talking on line, then phone, first time available for us both. I just knew and told him so, that we could "look good on paper", but not have any "chemistry" per se. I understood men to be like that, and I caution to say, us females are to a great extent, too. Just our make up to some extent. I know some will disagree, and you can be the exception, but the law of attractions is somewhere in there. And it isn't rational. My DH and I were together 28 years, against the "rules" of lots of things. Go figure. Now I am naive and fresh, and NG has shared some things about his on line experience. Living in a larger city makes it easier for anonymity. I live in a small town, have a private business, my church, so my catchment area was wide, long distance, for privacy. He never would have had looked me up, but I said hi first. Now a big one and you can take it as you choose. Sex. I don't equate sex with dating. But I married my high school sweetheart. NG was surprised, and he said that was a norm he came across. He had not done on line dating until he divorced, wife leaving him. He shares a bit here and there, and women expecting it as much as men. Now my older brother is very conservative Christian so I know it is isn't for everyone out there, but maybe the websites matter? You all with experience can chime in on this. My two cents for what it is worth. NG and I just got to 10 months and he met one of my 3 brothers this weekend, so we are moving forward. GOOD LUCK out there! Woo Whee!

P.S. Most financial experts would tell you to buy a card with the cash you have, not make car payments. Dave Ramsey, etc. I see kids driving nicer cars than mine, my niece included. Functional car that is safe that can be paid for. Good luck.

My parents did the same as Klim. In fact, I am the caregiver for my mother and I know in her lock box there are the papers of what she loaned out which will be subtracted from any inheritance. There were four of us, so they couldn't do a whole lot, so safe cars, broken heating unit, etc. not day to day bills. That being said, time is different now. My parents didn't have all these on going bills extra we have. Cell phones, car payments, wifi, computers needed for employment. Hard stuff. Have to find balance somehow. I do have a problem when a kid thinks they deserve exactly what I have in their 20s and I worked 20 plus yrs. for it. I see colleagues helping their adult kids to have similar life styles. Wth? How does that make sense? But they do it. Good luck. Find some ways to set clear boundaries or they will keep expecting it. Single mom friend paid so much for her only child, he got angry she cut him off last yr. from phone bill and car insurance. Mind you, he is a dentist, and at 29 yrs. old is making over $100,000 first job. Bought him an Audi and travels extensively, just started building house. Entitled to the Max. Ughhhhh.......