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Thanks for the encouraging words, Trying. I don't know how many times I have thought, "If I knew then what I know now."

(Norton Professional Book) 1st Edition by Babette Rothschild This came out in 2000. It was pretty new ideas at the time. So, 16 years ago. I just never thought 16 years later I would be experiencing it........

I am hoping this community will get it. Backstory. I am a kid therapist. 21 years. Trauma specialty, sexual abuse. My brother is a marriage and family therapist, prof, and trainer for play therapy, trauma, etc. He and his wife have the marriage I have always aspired to, and he is 14 years older than me. So, many of my friends are therapists, psychologists, LCSW, APRNs, etc. I have lots of support if I choose to access it. I went to grief groups provided where I used to work. I share with some of my friends, who happen to be therapists. WOW. They try to be helpful and usually are, but sometimes,they say the most DGI things. Makes me want to find all the folks I treated that maybe I should have apologized to as I was a DGI about lots. My one friend, a psychologist, will have her 2nd anniversary this month of her DH's death from cancer. She actually has apologized to me as she thought she understood and now knows she did not. She had lots of training in grief work as it was hot in the late 80s. She knows from her experience it didn't hold a candle to dealing with the real thing. I have appreciated reading others experiences with therapy as I know it can only enlighten me and hopefully make me a better helper. But, boy, it is just different being on the other side of the couch. Humbling, gut wrenching, learning in the trenches side of the couch.

On line guy. Think he wanted a green card.

In the old forum, this was discussed some. The difference between divorce and widowed. I was more than once treated as a divorcee, and I quickly corrected to state I was widowed, and it is not the same. With a new relationship, it is a new quandary. I have explained to NG I will always love my LH, but I "am not IN love" with him anymore as his presence is not here. I can't grow our relationship or marriage. It ended. It took me a long time to get there, accept that. Not over him, but a different love of him. This is what I am hoping is coming through with my discussion with NG. He is divorced, a bitter situation, and his parents' divorced when he was a child, and he has different feelings about marriage even due to this. Maybe the question is not the "right one"? A normal question with a break up, but not a widowed person. Maybe it is more about can you move forward and be the partner to the NG he needs without him feeling 2nd place or the "one you settled for". Others have done so, so that gives me hope it can happen. Lots of communication. Good luck with this new development!

I relate to this, too. I am moving forward. I am doing okay with rearing my child. I am surviving, and sometimes a little bit thriving. I did purposefully try new things the 2nd year out, to just be different, experience novelty. But if you asked me where I see myself in 5 years, 10 years, I can't tell you. I could before. There were goals, ideas, things to look forward to, reach for with my DH. Now, I just want to get my child independent someday, but then what? In a society, culture, that believes you should have the 5, 10, 20 year plan, and your plan is wiped out as you PLANNED to do it as a couple, whatever it was, it is hard to regroup. I don't find a career satisfying. It doesn't hold your hand at the doctor's office or put its arm around you at your parents' funeral. Money doesn't solve it all, either, though it helps, I know. Human interdependence with someone who has your back and vice versus. That is what matters in the long run. Could be a new spouse, a circle of friends, but people and relationships. So, I get the lack or change of motivation. It is just hard.

I didn't take this as being unhealthy or a bad match but you stick it out versus being alone. I took it as dealing with little things that in the big scheme don't mean anything, nit pickiness. Something I am working on in Chapter 2. I could be a nit picker easily and given my DH had ADHD, this was a nightmare between us I had to deal with so as to not take the joy out of life. That is what I viewed. The big stuff, you have to agree on well or "transcend" above it all. Like, being on different sides of the political arena. There are couples out there that handle that, and that would be a deal breaker for many. Which way the toilet paper rolls, driving skills, some level of cleanliness, stuff like that. Makes me think of the Seinfield show, where there was always a criticism about someone they dated, made funny. Man hands, soft talker, close talker, etc. Funny, but we all have our "stuff." Steve Harvey may be crass to many, but before I became widowed, I remember his book and seeing some stuff on the talk show circle as he shared about relationships. I remember him talking to women who made lists of what they HAD to have in a man. Single women who HAD to have the list completed. I remember Harvey saying that if you had list like that, then expect the man to as well. Which means there was no likelihood of a match, EVER. That is how I took the article. And having been coupled up, we all know that, right? My thoughts, respectfully....

So sorry this has come about, to a head, from what you wrote. Since my DH's untimely death, I have been humbled to now know I can't say it won't happen to me, can't happen with my kid, etc. Another shoe dropping? Maybe. I worry about that, too. I think sometimes I was just so damn fortunate to have such an easy life, even with the struggles we had, working out or having support to get through, my dad's Alzheimer's, infertility, my DH's treatable cancer. But DH's death did pull the rug out, my house built on sand versus rock. I hope your son comes around soon. So much to deal with at critical times in his life. But, not an excuse for poor choices. I hope he weighs the consequences and comes around soon. I hope you can just keep swimming, Mom. Tough stuff. ((((hugs))))

Thanks for this topic. I, too, have been now with NG 6 months, long distance. He asked not to put things on FB. Best relationship is no relationship on FB, he said. Well, I felt concerned as he had his previous GF on there, from 2 years ago. But, now I am okay. I have been in public places, church with him and vice versa without gushing all over FB about my NG. I also can post what I want about DH memories regarding our son, which I do, and is okay, as my FB folks know my marriage of 21 years and our son. So, I have decided it is a good course for me to take. I am not hiding it but not putting it all out there, either. Privacy. Now, my neighbors all see his vehicle at my house, and I know they are curious as one just asked me. Small town life.....

My son was 8 when DH died, so never by myself. I like to do things new. Familiar is too hard. Took one trip familiar we had as our little family, and it was fine. Took Son to Disney by myself, trip my DH planned, but I changed the dates. New helps me. Ng lived in Europe 11 yrs. traveled extensively. If we work out, he talks he would love to take me many places. Will see. Right now, raising kids.

DH would have loved all the new technological things. I still use his iPad and iPhone, now dated. But the big thing, not small, is his great son! He had no father and had such joy to be one. Our son turns 13 in Sept. DH would have been so proud, so involved, pure joy. :-X

I keep having this run through my head as my only son turns 13 in two weeks, living now more than a 3rd of his life with just me as the parent. I have been so sad about it. I understand...

Great job, Toosoon! Pat on the back and atta girl. Get it so much. My DH died on a parkway we all use in this city to travel south to anywhere, shopping, Florida, the Interstate, etc. It is also the route to the Army Post where he worked so thousands travel to work there daily. I asked for no markers, did not go there at all to the site. I was driving that road for work weekly and knew I had to do it, and I did but cried for months. I have had folks tell me they wouldn't drive it for over year, taking back roads to get to the Interstate. I so get it, and others reactions surprised me, but this stuff is powerful. To have multiple things in a space in your home happen is just so difficult. Hugs and good job!

Thanks for the sharing. Never know when the pep talk will be on my list of needs ASAP. This widow world is just unfathomable. Can change quick from hope and bliss to despair. Get it..... Oh, and Jen, the right person will find you unforgettable and desirable! I tell myself that since I had it before, there is no reason it won't happen again. Sometimes a mantra! I even took a selfie recently! I hate them! But I understand the worry. I sure have it often, too.

Thank you for this writing, sharing. I, too, and am letting go of such things of my DH. Paid for an extra cell phone far too long to keep messages. Need a new phone, using his that survived the accident strangely. But it is slow, out dated and will see its time soon. I appreciate your thoughts in helping me let go, too.

LOVE this song! Yes, my view is different of death. Everyone has their time. It used to make me rage inside when folks would say "Oh, a guardian angel was watching over ______." Or "God answered our prayers." (So my DH had no guardian angel or God chose for him NOT to live this time or we didn't pray enough?) I don't rage now, but think, nope, not your time yet. Hope I never say that out loud at the wrong time, wrong audience, but it is the truth. Oh, and a dear friend's niece lost her 3 yr old to a freak aneurysm last winter. That helps me put things in a different perspective, especially if someone is deeply reacting over a loss of someone in their late 70s and older. I think about the long life they were privileged to live and how grateful folks need to be, then, and some get very little time, like this child. Again, hope I keep my mouth shut at the right time. I have so far.

Trying, I understand your post. I have accepted the finality of my situation, but some days, I just want it all back. How could my life have turned this way? It was simple, easy and plans and goals were interdependent. Now just me and my son. I am dating, and it is not simple. I try to just have fun, but I over think everything. I wish for the days of my husband, who I knew was dedicated to us, our son, devoted and I trusted 100% and now everything is questionable. I, like you, have such good fortune in so many ways. I don't have to struggle with lots others do, and I know children/moms who live and continue to live with much dire situations. But I still wish for the simple life.... I get it.

Just wanted to say I appreciate the different perspectives on things shared, . I may not always agree, but getting me out of my comfort zone is the only way to grow. Porterside, I see your points. I married a Marine who was in Desert Storm, date a vet, come from a family of men, dad being in WW II. I get your info. That being said, my one brother is a marriage and family therapist who played football, wrestled, coached, and is a trainer for play therapists for children now, and he and his wife have the marriage I hope to have some day, a total partnership. So, I can appreciate the other aspects of lots of men, too. I guess I am growing to the point not to get offended at a difference of opinion. Today, at least.

RaysPumpkin, I get it! I am a strong independent woman who had my grandmother get a college degree in the 1920s and protest in DC for women's rights. BUT I still hate all the "stuff" that was NOT my job! I still love being the woman of the house who had an aircraft mechanic husband, who was large, former Marine, and did all the "man" jobs. I cried (and cursed) every time I mowed the stupid yard for months. I was the career woman who missed her baby's first steps due to being on a business trip, but I still loved my MAN doing his MAN jobs. I have hurt my back twice trying to do things by myself instead of asking for help. I still have melt downs occasionally when an electronic thing messes up, as that was his thing, not mine. I get it. I hear you saying a billion times, it is just a bad day. I understand. I know there are single woman who have been doing it by themselves for years, but I was not one of them and intended never to be. So, I get it. (((hugs)))

I think it was on the former web site that someone recommended not to put widow. When I finally took the leap, I put widow. I am single by legal standards, but all singles are not the same. WE have commonalities, but there are some huge differences in never married, divorced, and widowed. I didn't limit my matches to widowed, though, and have accepted life is just going to be messy with whoever I date but that it can be grand. Hope is the anchor to my soul

This is hard. I actually looked up things about this on the internet for assistance. I think you are going to have to figure out what works best for you to move forward. There is no one answer. I know there are folks out there that maintain great relationships with their in-laws yet move forward, remarry. I also know there are folks out there who had to let go of their in-laws and change the relationship to move forward. I know I couldn't think about dating until I let go of my love for my husband as if he were still living. It took over 2 years for me, and then still 2 more to finally date. I had to decide I will always love him, but I was not IN love with him anymore as he was not present to grow our relationship/marriage. It was a hard shift for me to accept. And with that, changes in the in-law relationships. My MIL and DH shared the same voice, mannerisms, laugh. He had her hands, body type, which were all his grandfather's. I had/have a hard time being around her because of this, and it has never gotten better. I can't imagine going to a childhood home and being surrounded with his things. I can see why it is comforting but also difficult at his parents' home. My dear friend who will be out 2 years in Sept with her loss of her husband has a completely different scenario than me. Her husband was the caregiver to his parents, and therefore, she was very close to them, too. Since her husband's death, the SILs have taken over and not allowed her in some family care giving that she always did. Her MIL would call her, but now my friend finds out things through the grapevine. She is very hurt, feeling tossed out of the family, though she has the only children carrying on the family name. Her kids don't understand either. She thinks her SILs are wanting her out of the family will, her children. Sad, but awful things can happen. Make your path how you need to do so and best of luck.

:'( I decided about 2 yrs. out to get myself back on track, together, it was time. I was working out on a machine at the Y, and this comes up on my playlist. I have heard this song since a child as me and childhood BFF would raid her older brothers' records and listen. BUT I NEVER HEARD IT LIKE THIS. I am boo hooing like crazy while working out, then. Love the Dixie Chicks version, too, and will see them Aug. 17! But man, hit me like a brick. Landslide Fleetwood Mac I took my love and I took it down I climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills Well, the landslide brought me down Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love Can the child within my heart rise above Can I sail through the changing ocean tides Can I handle the seasons of my life Uh uh, uh uh, uh uh, oh Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder Children get older And I'm getting older too Well Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder Children get older And I'm getting older too Well, I'm getting older too

When I take my elderly mother to her cardiologist appts.,it hits me hard. All these old couples together, hanging on, dealing with some medical issue TOGETHER. And here is me and my mom, both widowed. Feel so alone. One of many reasons I decided I didn't want to be alone. Been to 3 weddings this year. Couldn't go before, since I know what the vows mean, as I didn't get it at 21 yrs. old, of course. Well, NG went with me to last one. He is divorced, wife left him, child of divorce. Does not have the great faith in marriage, and I get it (yes, why we are dating, only God knows for sure....) So, they do this anniversary dance, now as a tradition. All married couples dance, and they have the shortest marriages leave the floor, until they get down to the longest married couple. My neighbors sitting at my table danced, and then sat, sharing they were having their 25th in the next two weeks. I am sitting there with NG, and all I could think was, "We would have had ours Dec. 2015. We were married longer than you." But not true, and I have a date with me! Totally understand the crazy way your brain can think with triggers like elderly couples. :-\

The NG I see sent me a meme that said, "Women want a man who makes them laugh and makes them feel safe, so basically a clown ninja!" You wrote those qualities in your reply! NG says I have a type. I laugh, since I dated one guy from age 14. He is former military as was DH. He is a large man, strong build, and good with kids, silly. But very intelligent, Mensa guy. I call him my sweet and salty guy, a perfect combo. Anyhoo, a "type". I guess. I contacted HIM off a dating site. I had no idea about the similarities to my DH from that. Get this. He says the same jokes as DH, knows all kinds of music and quizzes me, classic rock and outlaw country. Was a DeeJay for a job. My DH was too, and same with the music. Coached his boys in baseball and football and is a scout leader. All the same with my DH. A type? IDK.... But strange. None of this was part of his profile on line, just keep learning it about him. This world is amazing and mysterious, I tell ya.

Hi Tracy, Remember you from the past board. WE are right there at 4.5 years, my DH Jan. 2012. I get the change messages. I started it last summer. I DID quit my secure job of 19 years 2 years ago, feeling a need for great change and my life responsibilities. I am at a different place now, and I still have the itching for change, moving maybe. Good luck in this new state. Don't ignore it. I did for a while, and it did nothing but cause more angst for me.!!!