tybec

Learning the unsaid rules. This is hard. Went to a soap box derby event NG's son was in. My son is 4 yrs. older, so I am that many steps ahead of all these things NG's kid is doing. Well, pull in and think I see his ex. walking in parking lot. Running late, get to furthest parking lot area and swing in a space. Getting chairs out of trunk, and notice van with a sticker on it that could only be hers. She walks around about then and gets something from her vehicle. I play it cool and move on. Tell NG and he tells me to move my car! Now, NG is standing behind her seats as their children are sitting with her as she has chairs. I plop my chairs down and ask where we are to sit. He is like,"I don't know what to tell you." I am kinda oblivious, and his kids are there with her, but his weekend. I finally put it together that WE need to be elsewhere. OK...... Move on, and NG is helping with the his kid, the other child is with his mother, and we are at the finish line. His child is winning and winning, and we are that bottom, so one time, he is so excited, he high fives my son, and runs and hugs me. I turn around to his mother behind us. I said, "Go hug your mom!". I stayed clear of her the rest of the time. She helped her son, and NG was at the top of race track helping out. It worked out, but OY! The piddly stuff to deal with! NG's son finally lost. I sent my child to tell him good job, good sport, etc., as we have done the same over the years. NG's ex tells my son that was very nice of him. Hoping we can forge a civil relationship, although I am taking cues here, to stay out of the way!

On a positive note, I do keep track of dates and events. My LH had cancer when he was 34 and was cured. So, we celebrated because we learned early life is short. LH even put reminders on his calendar for things like our first date (1983!!!), the day he proposed, etc. SO, NG is experiencing some of this. We met face to face 3/5/2016. He told me he loved me 4/30/2016. I keep dates in my head. I don't make a huge deal, but maybe a cheers or reminder to him. Quality time is one of my love languages, so noting our time together is part of that for me. I'll see how he adapts to that ;-)

Hey all. Been a strange 2 weeks. My elderly mother I just moved 2 months ago to a personal care home ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. She hasn't been admitted to a hospital in 7 yrs. The illness messed up her electrolytes which lead to heart issues. I have been back and forth for the time, as she is in the town my NG lives. NG, of course, has let me stay with him. I have had to make arrangements for my teen son. School is out this week. NG met my eldest brother, then, Mother's day weekend, as I guilted two brothers to come see her and I was exhausted. Well, things worsened Tues. She went into VTach several times over several hours. DNR, and I am her health surrogate, and I was alone. Doctor said to call in all family members who want to see her. One brother got back quickly, and NG let him and me stay at his place. He has gotten me dinner each night. He has offered to stay at the hospital with me. He took a new job a month ago, so I told him he needed to stay on the new job. I am not his wife, ya know. So, he is stepping up. He is quite supportive. He is seeing me in a new state of despair and sadness and so far so good. Working out the arrangements for my mother. Like hospice. She is stable but likely bed ridden the rest of her days due to the damage to the heart. This is the 2nd go around for me as my father died of Alzheimer related illness after 5 yrs. skilled care. NG really hasn't dealt with this, just his grandfather a few years ago. His issues are with ex, custody, etc. Different experiences. So, see how we maneuver.

Safety first. I agree with all about that. As a mental health therapist, behavior can be understood from mental illness, drug use, but it does not absolve the person of consequences for their actions. Sometimes the only thing that will get them to get help is the consequences. If I had a dollar for every adult who tried to justify abusing a child because of their own childhood abuse, I would be a wealthy person. It may be a reason why, but still does not stop the consequences. Break the chain, not make it stronger with "rationalizations." PS most of us do not hurt others when upset!

One being most comfortable and 5 being least comfortable. walking holding hands 1 walking arm around shoulder or waist 2 peck on the cheek or lips 1 staring into each others eyes 2 really kissing 3 Sitting on their lap or vice versa 4 (PDA after all)

Getting real! Put house on the market this week! Telling people we are moving. DS is emotional, up and down about moving. Honestly, I am, too. My home of 22 yrs, house of almost 17. I am going to truly end my world of DH and me. No one will know him where I am moving. 33 yrs. as US. So strange. AND, a friend of mine, a former youth pastor that worked with my DH is an ordained Southern Baptist minister. I knew he was Baptist. Well, he is no longer in a role of a minister, as no church would allow him due to his views with women and gays. I attended his surprise 50th last year, and it was at his sister's home with her wife. So, I just thought he would be open to marrying without the legal requirements. AND HE IS! I called him this week. He loved my husband, and loves God, and struggled with so many things over the past few years since he left ministry. But he heard my story, knows me and is willing. How about that! So, time will tell on this. First, sell house, move and adapt to new town, figure out my new career choices, and then pursue us further. A year sooner than we talked, so no hurry. Just get there and play it out. WOW!

My thought, too. Glad someone else stated it out loud. Scott a romantic? Makes me think of the movie, "PS I love you." He had no idea what your life would be after he passed on, so I think no time limit. Do what you can, how you can. Hopefully he would be thrilled for you to move forward. I have quandaries some times and talk to friends, and they sometimes ask me what DH would have done. I have gotten to the point that his opinion doesn't matter. He left, not on his own decision, but still. I am on my own to make the choices, good, bad and ugly. Hope you can figure a way that works out well for you.

Thanks for the info. & support, Arneal. That is so thoughtful he got you the necklace and earrings! Sweet. Yup, just paying for dinner is a great gift. A bottle of wine even if we are just at his place watching a movie. He walks with me anytime I ask, after dinner. That is great! I almost wish I didn't know about his gifts for his ex. But sharing is learning. I want the Emergency Contact. I want the person who will meet me at the doctor's office if I need support. I want a warmed up soup if I feel sick. I want to go watch and listen to live music somewhere, often free at a park. I want someone who will offer to do a honey do that I can't manage myself, which seems to be getting more and more. I want a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store for 10 bucks for no reason at all. I don't want all the expensive things, as I know they don't comfort you in the long run. I want time as I know it is not guaranteed. I guess it is all about more communication, time to build the relationship. And maybe I won't ask so many questions!

Okay, may sound very juvenile here, but a quandary for me nevertheless. I am not a materialistic person. I married young, and had one checking account the entire marriage. We had nothing but hope, a college education which meant something 27 years ago, and each other. We lived comfortably, not extravagantly. Move forward to NG. He married at 30, and she was a professional, too. Military, living in Europe. They were DINKS, traveled everywhere. Speak a couple languages each, etc. She left after two kids and back in the states, took 75% of the assets, and NG is stretched. I am okay financially due to DH planning well. Not rich, but have some flexibility others don't have. NG shares more with me about his marriage. He bought her jewelry galore, special pieces from their travels, the Mercedes they brought back to the states, trips, cruises, all kinds of things. We go dutch often or trade off. He has two kids to take care of. I have my son. But here is the rub. I didn't date him for money or stuff. Not me, but I do feel like he doesn't seem to show me some courtesy he did his wife. Not his wife, I know. But I don't see him doing that for me. I don't want stuff, but I want to be "worthy" of his attention. However, he has seemed to flip completely to the other side. Like he wanted to prove himself to her by buying things, and such. But now he is the opposite. Not sure what I am saying here. He married her 4 months of knowing her and states he didn't wait long enough to KNOW her. We are already past a year. I am evaluating my "love language" and seeing if that is the problem. What I need, what he used to do for his ex and how to communicate what will meet my love language. It is not gifts for me, but something more than what he is giving. I guess the effort is the concern. IDK Rambling. Insecurities of dating..........

Yes, as it is Friday night! I think it is interesting, too. And they have a diverse group of couples, not all just barbies and kens in their 20s. They had the elderly couple, the Asia couple, mixed races, and the gay couple. I didn't date many before DH and now I am with NG, my first guy I met Face to face on line, and it has been a year. So, I really don't know how to date.

Oh, boy, this hit me. I love NG. He loves me. He loves me, because so much of me is DH. I can relate to him on so many levels because of DH. I don't want to compare. NG has to know he can't measure up to DH on lots of things. I try to just concentrate that I am not who I was and NG is a new love, new life, and it is no comparison, therefore. I do have some things come up. NG had many gfs. I don't want to even know. I had DH since HS. He says things to me like we would have had the most beautiful kids. It is strange because I don't want to go there. I had my child with DH, and would't want it any other way. He tells me things like I am the best kisser he has ever had, and other things. I don't know if men just say those things, or he really means it, but I can't say that to him. I think it is apples to oranges in a comparison, so I don't. I don't think about DH like I used to. I am letting him go. Anyway, random thoughts on budding relationships....

Good job, SB. When you said crazy, it is really on a whole other level. Sorry to have to deal with that. Our hearts fall for who they fall. I have been prepared for everything I have dealt with in my life, whether I liked it or not. I think you got this, prepared though you didn't know you would be.

Interesting, Arneal. I do my best to leave nothing. He tried to give me his garage door opener fob, and I just wasn't ready for it. He has my key codes for that and the alarm, and he comes on over, but it is very planned due to distance. He didn't want anything left at his house for a long time due to his young children, but it has been a year, so he is getting more lax. Makes sense!

Wow, SB. Just WOW. Keep up the good work of taking the high road. I went to NG's son's play. His ex was to be there, of course. Her family had been the night before. I felt nothing. I didn't have stress. I am no threat and have nothing to be concerned about. She came in, touched younger son's shoulder and went backstage. Didn't talk to him, really. I hate they are like this. Can be in the same place but their kids get the message that if it is the other parent's time, then off limits. HOW WEIRD for the children! They get it, the body language. The "actor" came out and talked to me and my DS afterwards instead of going to his mother. He knows the unsaid rules. NG asked if I saw his ex give me the look over. NOPE, didn't notice, not worried.

So much good has been said already here. It is just hard. Process, time. This Sunday on Sunday morning, they are doing a follow up interview: Anyway, after previewing on CBS this morning, Gayle King went on to say how glad she was this lady found new love as she must discuss this in the interview. It made me very aware that society just really wants us to move forward and re-coupling is like THE outward sign of this. It isn't required, and we KNOW here, that there are so many things to work through. Curious to see what this lady shares. My point. Hang on. Take time. There are so many dynamics we all contend with, we never thought we would. Happy to have found this board, also. Life saver, often.

Thanks, Bunny. That was very helpful. I knew to take the high road, and the irrational jealous feelings are not the high road. I knew others had worked through this, and I sure don't want to be insecure with NG about her. I mean, the woman wouldn't move, and he was moving to his sons, and it is just the way it was/is. I do wish she would FB his mother as she tends to send messages through him to her. I think when I move to his city, and we blend our families, she will lessen her comments, too. I won't be socializing with her as she lives about 5 hours away. He has let her go, and I know that. Budding relationships.... all new stuff for wids!

Okay, I am embarrassed to post, but it is something I have never experienced. Feeling very high schoolish. My NG had a GF in the state he resided about 6 months or so after his ex left him. She and he were both rejected by their spouses, so a common sharing of loss. They dated 18 months, were serious, spent lots of time together, family interactions. There are FB pics. She and he continued to talk often and maybe see each other when he moved several hours away. She wouldn't move with him as her family and children's father were there, and he moved to be where his sons were taken by their mother. Jurisdiction changed to the new state as he waited too long to contest her moving them, and so he had to move, per the judge, if he wanted regular contact as the children started school. Their relationship did not end because their loved ended, it was the circumstances of it all. I married HS sweetheart. No exs in my history. NG's ex is FB friend. She posts to him, liking his pictures, commenting on any family event as she knew all them. It has been 3 years now. I know he is with me. He has chosen me. I am his present and future. BUT it bothers me that she posts, making it known she is in his life and knows his family. She is involved with a new guy, too. So I guess the friendship is difficult for me to understand. He told me on our 8th date he had called her and told her he was no longer going to talk to her as his emotional support as he had a new GF for that. He never had to tell me that. I never knew he was talking to her so much. I HATE that it bothers me. But it does....

Very nice, Arneal. Good Easter weekend. Me and NG did not communicate well, and he had off Good Friday. He may have told me but I doubt it as I would have planned things differently as my DS was in his town for a band competition that Thurs. I could have arranged to go and gotten DS and stayed the night, visited him and then my mother, too. Anyway, saw him Sat. as I saw my mother for Easter early. He then decided to come and spend Easter afternoon with me and DS in my town, so it worked out. Still working on communication. Life time! The drive is already getting tiresome. House on the market by May. Wow! This is huge for me!

I am not sure of my decision if I remarry, but I have one son. He will be the one, if anyone, comes to visit my grave site, so I think I would want to honor that is some way. I don't know. My father is buried way far away in a small, small town in a tiny cemetery plot of an old family church. He had the plot for yrs. Have never been to visit. My mother will be placed there, too. She knows we won't go. It is so far away, off the beaten track. So, maybe my son won't visit. Hmmmm......

Thanks Wheelerswife! Ya know, it wasn't that long ago when people didn't live long and remarriage was common. Child birth issues, poor health, accidents even more. The miiltary thing is the big deal. I can't have my Dh's benefits if I remarry, so would the Veteran's Cemetary allow my name twice if it happened like that? Don't know. Anyway!

My LH was cremated and scattered in the garden at the Veteran's Cemetery here. He has a headstone and I can be put on the back as I won't be buried, either. Interesting to think about. My NG is 20 yr. retired vet. Not talking marriage for a while, but not sure. Could you be on two headstones, with your date of marriages? Crazy stuff we have to think about. Geez.....

THIS ^^^^ I am here, too. Not married like you, but ready to not be in the same house, same place of my life of 16 yrs. 22 total. I am terrified to change, though, as NO ONE will know DH. I have been tied to DH since age 14. New identity there. But the tug for change is great. The tug is greater than the desire to stay the ghost widow of the past. 5 yrs. to get to this place, so not quickly for me. Thanks for sharing. No one can understand this strange world until they live it. Kind of like those movies where they show you in between two worlds in some way, and trying to figure out what is the reality.

This stuff is so hard. I heard the stories due to my job, but being involved with someone with it is another ball game. My NG had bought a condo on purpose on a cul-de-sac with a huge Soccer park at the end of it, and a block from his kids' school, so another playground and being familiar to his sons. So, he had no yd. to deal with but two parks he could throw a rock to for his kids to access. His ex, a teacher, had the kids in that school as it had the best scores, though she taught elsewhere. Amazingly, when she moved to another school, she moved them to her school. Now, no one will say anything as she takes them with her, and her new school has the same scores, but how convenient to move them from their father's home district next to their school. The other drawback is the kids attend a school way out in the county, so they have no neighborhood friends to play with. Had they continued in the school next to Dad's house, they could have had opportunities for kids to play with in the neighborhood that attend their school. Some old time normalcy. Ex didn't care. Away from dad and convenient to her. No kids to play with in their neighborhood at either parents home as they are never there and the kids at their school live out in the county. More losses for the kids becasue of parent's decisions. SMH

This. Was in many charity, social groups prior to having my son as we were married for 13 yrs.before he came along. So, networking and keeping busy. Got to find the right fit, and all organizations are different people running and involved in them. Good luck!

Uggh, Arneal. That is SO hard. Not wanting to be clingy or needy but also wanting some kind of connection. Not sure the best path for you and him. You are getting to know him. A year dating in May, right? I noticed with my NG pretty soon that when he had his children for extended times, like spring break and his mother came in from TX to watch them each break as he works, he wouldn't connect with me. After talking to me nightly for almost 2 months, I was put out as his pattern changed. Also, with DH dying in a car accident, no contact triggers things for me, too. So, told him pretty earlier on (3 months) I needed some form of contact and with texting, a few seconds isn't too much to ask. He agreed. Then it happened a couple other times. In just Jan., I sent him an email stating that if he loved me as he said he did, I didn't understand how he could go a day or more with no contact. And if he could, then maybe he needed to evaluate his feelings for me, as in my experience with loving someone {and loss}, you don't want to go that long with no contact. He is a vet, so I said, you aren't deployed, you aren't without ability to contact me, like no signal. He quickly apologized and noted I was right. I don't know if being single for 4 years or being military for years made it "easier" to just not communicate, but there are no reasons now. Even military can skype. Only training in the field and true mission work keeps you from a connection now. So he is better. He may not say much, a quick text, but something. I knew putting it to the wall in Jan. could lead to a change in the relationship but I knew what I needed and expected, which was not much, truly. Oh, he did note that he always contacted me. This was true. I felt he needed to do so, maybe old school. So, I now will reach out to him, and he appreciates that. And it isn't about being needy, but both of us reaching out to each other. Navigating the waters! OY! I hope you and NG work out a system that is workable for you both.