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SunshineFL, Thanks for sharing that wonderfully written article. I have been told I am single, and it isn't different from being divorced, which many here have heard as well. I don't get unglued anymore, but this author helps understanding. My Sunday school class did the 5 Love languages study years ago. The book was written in 1992 and the author is a Baptist pastor. Well, it helped me and DH with our relationship, and some of the information I believe should be in any relationship class taught. Like the fact that the newness of the relationship is euphoric but lasts an average of 6 to 18 months, and then reality sets in and the honeymoon is over and then you decide if you keep going. That the things you loved about the person at the beginning are now the things that drive you insane! Not to mention, most divorces occur around 3 years now, which correlates with the time period of the euphoria, getting married or moving in together, and then realizing you aren't in for the long haul. Well, NG and I talked about this after the first date, the next day, interestingly. I was glad he was versed in the information. Good stuff and makes sense with your children, too. Thanks for sharing that CW.

If you are the surviving spouse and do not work or work part time, you ( surviving spouse) can receive benefits for your child until he/she is 16. This is separate from your child's SSI benefit. I have one only. Not sure of the multiple children question. I work two days a week and have had benefits cut and had to pay back because I made too much. It is a balance all the time. I have to send in reports for my estimates per year. I have a private business. At 18 or when your child graduates high school, his/her SSI benefits end. Not sure of the redistribution to other kids who are not of age, yet. But meet with a SS worker to explain. I remember him telling me that when I signed up my child for benefits. Never expected to need or use it, though.

This part didn't relate to me. I didn't get any survivor benefits until I stopped working full time. I didn't get it with my child's benefit. So, this is unclear to me. Don't know the best answer for you. I am waiting it out for a while. But it is hard to wait. My NG is the one wanting no marriage legally as he lost so much in his divorce. I would benefit him greatly financially marrying. I have told him from the beginning I was wife material. Health care for you and yours is a big deal. I pay for mine outright and just received my letter my plan is dissolving. 2nd time in 2 yrs since I went into private business and must purchase my own. That is what would lead me to work for someone again, or need to be married and get on spouse's health insurance. The religious aspect is important to me. I come from a strong Christian valued family, and it has worked well for us. But that is where I need to consult my pastor. Where in the bible does it say you have to be legally married? I need more information. My DH and I married while in college. We had nothing. All we have is due to our hard work, saving, planning. We even only had one check book for our whole marriage. I am unwilling to put me and my son in a financial bind. I am too old to have to worry about that on top of just getting by in this world of uncertainties. Control what you can as there are too many variables you can't.

I could have written your post. Ditto on all of it. I only get DH's survivor benefits 3 more yrs. age 16 of son. I have no debt either. I want to model marriage to my son as he was 8 when DH died in a vehicle accident. NG has messy divorce, custody stuff still going on. But I don't want to be his roommate. Will meet with my pastor about marrying in church but not legal marriage. You don't get your DH's SS either at retirement if you remarry. All those yrs. of work and it goes back in the pot. I also started researching if my NG's ex would have rights to my income in some way. Got different views in my state. Attorney friend said no, but a website says if the spouses expenses go down due to remarriage, then he/she may afford more child support. I can't have my sons inheritance, DH's planning go to some woman I don't know, essentially. I totally get what you are saying...

Funny you ask that, Serpico. I asked my pastor about 6 months ago about marrying elderly folks in the church who did not want a legal marriage due to losing their spouse's benefits. She said there were probably folks out there marrying, as it is an issue for some. The system hurts some folks. I would not want my mother to give up my father's benefits (health insurance and federal pension) if she found someone to marry who could not provide her this. I actually will be talking to my pastor further about this. I am curious. NG is afraid to marry after his wife left him and took 75% of his net worth. I want a prenup to protect my son's inheritance. He is still unsure. Would I marry him in a church but not legally to keep my benefits? Maybe. Him, too. Never would have dreamed I would be talking about this ever......... But I expected to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary and here I am...

The piece of paper matters or we wouldn't have it IMHO. It matters legally with fiances, responsibilities, who can do what in a health crisis, etc. I know someone who won't divorce because he does not want to give up assets his wife is entitled to. So, he is dragging it out, hiding what he can, having new relationships that really can't go anywhere truly. My poor brother who married at age 50 married a crazy woman. We saw red flags, but we were happy he finally found someone. She KNEW that after 3 years of marriage, she was entitled to half of his federal pension and health benefits the rest of her life. WHO knows that? He worked 29 years for the feds, had great benefits and she had nothing when they married. She put them into half a million dollars debt in 4 years, got sick with cancer, and then died. He has since remarried and they are finding all kinds of things she did financially behind his back. He isn't responsibly for most of it, but still crazy. There are just so many stories out there about the legal ramifications of the marriage contract. Can you live with all that? Your call...

I did it. I talked to MIL and then her health surrogate about the need to communicate her wishes in the event of a health crisis again. It is/was unpleasant but necessary. My MIL is back to limited contact or information with me after I brought this up. I have no say so in her care, have my own mother to take care of, and I know she knows it but I am not likely doing what she wants. As I suspected, she had not talked to her health surrogate about anything except a funeral plan and where her will is and that kind of end of life planning. She has to let someone know that has the legal right to make decisions. She dodged a bullet, no rehab even. But she has had a heart attack, stroke, breast cancer, both knees replaced, teeth, eye surgery, 350 plus lbs, and she does what she wants. She drove herself to the hospital having the stroke. They told her to call 911 if she has another health issue, and she said she would probably just drive herself again. I was furious and told her in front of my son I hoped she didn't kill herself or someone else by doing something not doctor recommended. I think it may have stuck a little. ON a positive note, she talked to a mutual friend and stated she will probably move in a couple years as the only grandson (my son) will be driving by then, and she knows he will not be the person to take care of her. She told the friend her family will take care of her, then. Progress... My mom is stable health wise, but the dementia has no cure. 88 yrs. old in Dec. Do have to have her pacemaker replaced then. Hard to believe I am dealing with this after having it with my father. I try to remember I am very fortunate in so many ways and others have more challenges than I can imagine. Helps me keep swimming....

MMG19, Thanks for sharing your beautiful story, and 66etype, ,too. Great to hear some good stories. I know they happen, as there are the pics here to prove it. mmg19 you have exactly what I wanted. My PLAN was to find a little older guy whose kids were grown, since I started late in having children. And you knew each other for so long, too. How wonderful! And 66etype, what a story! And it hit me like a gong when you said all is temporary, even our forever relationships were temporary. I say that but didn't really digest its meaning. Til death do us part is the real deal if you are fortunate enough to have that. Not the things love songs or poems are made of. LOL! But you are right. NG is not what I planned. He is younger, started having kids late in life like me, so that means they are younger than my 13 yr old son!!! CRAZY! He has challenges I would tell my friends to run from. Custody battles, controlling ex who took his kids out of state and moved to her hometown. Her parents provide her the huge home, and she is an expert in children being an ES vice principal. He knows nothing and can do nothing right according to her. YET, I continue to date him, and I can't explain it. But I never should have ended up with DH of 28 yrs. either. So, who knows? I did tell NG this weekend I wanted it all. We have that kind of banter, talk about things that are serious but in a fun way, too. He said he wasn't surprised as all women want it all. He told me he didn't have much "blood" left to give. I told him I was not about opening new wounds. But, he can't continue to generalize all women as I am NOT all women. I asked him if I scared him and he said, "No, I am not scary." So, it did lead to further discussions. I am not opposed to a prenup for planning for protection of our kids. I understand relatively young children need to be taken care of. So, backing off and going to enjoy the situation at this point with him knowing my true heart's desire. It will work, or it won't. There is no in between. Never was.... But I am thankful for the time with him. My heart opened back up, and I didn't know if that was truly possible.

Portside, I hear your point. There are tactful and honest ways to talk about things. It is hard. I use the word SAFE a lot. "You can't see your parent because they are unsafe. They broke laws or couldn't take care of you because they were unsafe. Using drugs and alcohol can make people choose things they never would do otherwise. And, sadly, they are unsafe and unable to take care of themselves, let alone their children." But the person that I fell in love with, married, was not that person. But they changed because of the addiction. And kids will keep asking if they want to know more, believe me. I have seen amazing parents handle the most difficult situations well with their kids truthfully. It is no different than a divorced parent talking about their ex kindly about truths but not saying, "Oh, your mother was a whore and that is why I left her." There are ways, but it is hard. SB, you will do what you feel is best for you and yours. It is who you are.

Thanks to all the responses. Thanks a lot, TooSoon. 2 years and it finally happened!! Gives me hope to wait it out. I waited 7 years to marry DH, but that was because we were kids. Had to finish college and such. So, I can wait, and if it is right, just like with DH, it will come together, or not. Appreciate the responses.

I might have a unique perspective here, maybe. My DH was a "pothead" as a teen. I was a clean cut girl who went for the "bad boy." He had an interesting dichotomy of being a party guy but then very involved in his church as his family was very "religious." I never did drugs except drink. Thankfully, nothing bad came from it. Anyway, he joined the Marines when I went away to college, got disciplined, focused and we married when he got out and he never went that route again. I would not have married had he, as I went into mental health. So, fast forward, and DH became a great church youth leader. He did small groups of boys who are still so tight and communicate with me. He has told some of his story to some at church, some kids who are all adults now, as I read about some of their statements to him on FB. People KNOW HIS STORY. WE called it the "dark years." At home in our little tiny town of 6500 and some here where I have lived for 21 years. WE talked about how he was going to handle it once our son got old enough, and he said he wouldn't lie as that would not be helpful. He grew up with one huge lie, and it tainted his youth and young adulthood until he could handle it with help, counseling. So, UNLESS no one knows of your husband's past, your kid is likely going to hear about it. My son is likely going to hear bits here and there unless I move away and also never take him back to our hometown. Think about where you want him to hear stuff from, how and what story. Now, I am a kid therapist, trauma focused. Kids are so much aware and KNOW so much stuff, it is unbelievable. And, they will form their own story to help them understand happenings if they are not told by an adult the facts/perspectives. AND they 99% of the time form a story where they are responsible in some form for the bad things that happened in their life, which I know most here know that. Has to do with child development. My son is 13, and just went through sex ed, and I thought I had sheltered him, but the questions we reviewed each night told me he was really observant of things despite my attempt to shelter him. So, now handling it is all on me. His dad's past, challenges, etc. But I rather him hear from me than family members, possible adults from church my MIL (whole other issues), etc. So, just some things to consider in how you try to manage your kids' memories or what they may learn from others. Good luck!

Thanks CW for the sounding bd. I am not impulsive, not my nature. Had that moment punch me in the gut. I do wax and wane between patience and then knowing life does change on a dime. So why wait? I also have done research on remarriage in my state. I have my son's inheritance to think about, benefits and I can't squander it with poor decisions or hand it over to another. I am thankful for this bd. To give so many insights about so many variables we must consider. NG has his own luggage to carry. Yes, he needs time to trust that all women don't break their vows. Patience. He is a loyal man to a fault. But I still want it all. :

I want it all. The relationship, the marriage, the family beyond me and my son. I had it all. I am on fall break and took ds to a place we went 7 yrs. ago with his dad. Bittersweet. I had my complete family, and I sit and watch all these families, couples, and I want it again. I somehow talked myself into believing I had it all, and I must have done something to lose it. Control issues lurking. Well, martyrdom is not satisfying. Now to tell NG?! 7 months. Early in the game. His kids, mine. But it is what I want. Patience? Wait? Or lay it out straight so I don't waste my time if it really isn't in the cards for us. Run him off with not being patient? He talks future with me, long term. But is that just what men do to keep you going? He says he loves me. He was burned when wife left him. I am the antithesis of his experiences, I tell him. A fact. I don't know. He tells me I am logical and straight, something I didn't know about me. I mean I married the guy I started dating at 14 yrs. old. So, don't have another sounding board. I don't know. I just know I am not at my best single. Some are, but not for me. Ughhhhh.....

Yes, I have that floaty feeling. I keep thinking it is just so surreal. We are at the same time frame, almost. I remember you from the old board. Jan. Will be 5 yrs. I left my job of 19 yrs. also. I started dating NG 7 months ago. I started talking to my son last yr about moving far away. Then I met NG. But it is long distance, separate worlds but great time together when we do get together. He is younger with two younger kids. We started getting together with our kids. How did I have this life for 28 yrs. and it ended suddenly? I can't believe my life is this. Feels unreal so often. I get it.

I read your writing, and it is so difficult to read, and YOU lived it. I can't explain how humans respond to this life/death situation. It is a guarantee we will not get out alive in this world for ALL of us, but how we treat each other is a spectrum of the best to the worst in humanity. I am glad you are at a turning point. Everyone here has a story, but some are so much harder to bear (looking backwards, it can be seen, but not in the middle of it.) I hope you build a wall of support and can use this board. I am the helper/caretaker. I had help, but my own pride and need to be strong kept me from reaching out when I needed to do so, giving the illusion I could handle it. You can hopefully build that wall of support, reach for it when needed as you have been on your own for so long. Lifting you up.

I am getting close to five yrs. I started dating 7 months ago and love NG. It has changed, then. I see DH's big body rocking as he has his hearty laugh, slapping his knee. He was the class clown in high school, voted Mr. mischievous. I see him grinning from ear to ear at our son's accomplishments. But he isn't "mine" anymore. I had to let go to love another. It saddens me but had to happen for me to reopen my heart. Never thought it could change.....

Yes, keeper of the memories. Another task, burden, responsibility. My son was 8 when DH died in a car accident. My DH had a large extended family though he was an only child. I asked for my son's 13th birthday for folks to write a story, letter, anything about his father for me to collect for him. I had 20 years with him prior to having our son, 28 together. I have so much, and my son has so little. I Hate that. I had some folks respond I never would have thought would take the time. I had ONE of his family members out of 25 cousins, 80 family members, several in the same age range by 5 yrs. So strange to me who chose to write and who didn't. I put a book together. My son looked at it some, but did not seem to be engrossed. After reading Portsides' post, I decided it may take years for him to appreciate it. My DH had a bible study at church called "Letters from Dad." Exercises on writing letters to those important to you and guides. For men who are not demonstrative in a written manner, a big deal. Also, my DH had no dad, not even a name. I have my letter he produced. Around my son's 10th birthday, I found the portfolio with his beginning notes to a letter for our son. Treasures. But yes, another task for us. Tough.

Oh, Bunny,you are so right! The cheezy pick up lines are the stuff the stories are made of at weddings and anniversaries. On line is awful. But so funny in person with the RIGHT person. My NG and I met at a restaurant face to face from on line, and the place was rated the best BBQ on the town website, tiny little town of 3000. It was horrible, and I joke that if we make it in the long haul, that will be such a story to tell. And if we don't, it will be a funny memory of the date with the awful BBQ!

Had to reign myself in the first yr or two on FB. People would put dumb stuff, my friend's list, mind you. Especially things like "I am a hunter's widow." Golf widow since spring is here. Stuff like that. I am sure I was unfollowed by some. Oh, well. :-\

Well, birthdays and celebrations are such an individual thing, family tradition. My DH survived cancer at age 34. Soooooo, we celebrated life and birthdays were a great reason to do so. We had birthday weeks. Kinda a silly thing, but given we had gotten past cancer (oh, my dad's Alzheimer disease worsened to the point he was in a nursing home for 5 years at the same time), we did choose to have JOY. Life celebrations, anniversaries, etc. Any excuse to do something special, we would. Usually a trip somewhere. Not parties like they show on tv for adults but are over the top. Our day to day lives, work, school, careers, etc seem to get in the way of enjoying life. Just busy crap that doesn't mean anything in the long run...I know, I am preaching to the choir. So, maybe NG has traditions, too. IDK.. . You two have to figure that out and talking it out is best, and you have a yr. to figure it out. You will. Good luck!

I made an appointment for my mother, and the date is the day before my sadiversary. I didn't flinch, hurt, or feel a thing, and then realized the date I chose. I was so thankful for that small step of progress. Now the actual date matters each year, but even thinking it used to be distressing. Healing...

Tryingtobreathe has a great response. Thanks for that. Sorry for this mess you are in with stuff and money and hurt feelings. Tough! I wondered if you could take what you wanted and then have an auction, letting them know when. They can purchase what they want of value and you can recoup the cost of the storage unit some, which you can give them a receipt of proof to show why you are selling the stuff, not just giving it to them. Not necessary but may make some sense? If they are sensible folks. Debatable? Had a friend get a divorce. Ex had all his stuff in spare garage at home. He left the marriage. She gave date of notice and then disposed of it on her terms. Not her job to keep his stuff for free indefinitely. Not the same, but the hurt feelings still there. Get the anger, too. My DH's Mother would "dump" stuff on us because we had a home with a basement. Give as gift, but only because she valued it but never asked if we wanted it. Burden to us. ie, a 35 yr old kitchen dinette set she didn't want anymore but we could put in the basement. I am VERY aware now when I offer someone something to not DUMP it on them. I don't want a burden and don't want to do that to others. I say NO often, too. May not be southern charm for me to do so, but I am not a storage unit.

There are lots of resources out there to help. I found this quickly: https://www.addiction.com/10294/age-appropriate-ways-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-addiction/ Al anon should also have some good suggestions. Honesty, age appropriate is the best bet. Never easy. Tough stuff. Glad you are on top of it all. Happy for your new life!

Thanks Ladybug, for your comments. I was very fortunate. The place I worked had a grief group, 6 weeks. Well, it is for all grief. The facilitator knew me as I had worked with heer granddaughter at some point. She was a widow at 40, had a teen, tween and baby. DH had retired from 20 yrs. Army, and they had built their dream home, and started a new life. He got cancer, and it was short lived. She told me she came to my DH's funeral, but I would not have known. She had been there, been through the trials. Then, all the women in the group were widows or girlfriends. What are the odds? It was a "good" experience. Helpful. But I cried buckets every single session......

SVS, I think that psychiatrist was doing what many professionals do, try to stick to positive thinking, fighting off the negative thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. But I guess that is where she missed it with you. We just need validation sometimes. An ear to listen and say that must be hard, etc. She met you once and went with that, not knowing if you were just having a bad moment, day, or if that was a constant thought pattern that would drag you down all the time. I loved the young love of my time with my husband of 21 years, 28 together. The innocence, the hard work that paid off, the sharing of having a child together which will never happen with another. I get all that. I HOPE there is a joy I can't conceive for my future relationships. It is hard to imagine lots of days. But just like I never knew I could hurt so badly, maybe I also can experience joy greater than I ever dreamed. Hugs to you.