Quixote

That's a beautiful poem, WifeLess. Blue Green, at five years out, I still talk about my wife a lot. I really hate the whole "don't mention the dead" thing our society has. Your husband was a HUGE part of your life, of course he'll come up in conversation. And it's especially important now. Talk about the great times you two had, because the hell of the final days (or if it was sudden, the shock of that one awful day) can overshadow the person you loved and the life you shared together. I will say that you're going to have awkward moments. But if the alternative is silence, awkwardness is a small price to pay.

CUBBIES! Cmon, reverse the curse!

It's the worst thing in the world. Not much else you can say. Glad you found this place. Feel free to vent, talk-- don't worry too much about self censoring emotions. It's what the board is for. If you haven't, read the new widow advice thread. http://widda.org/index.php/topic,6.0.html

Big hugs. I think anniversaries, birthdays and the like will always hurt. Nothing for it, really. Lunch with a friend is good.

The fifth year has been the hardest for me, too. I think it's when you really, truly realize that this is your new life. The initial reeling is behind you, but so is the part that follows where you start reassembling the shattered remains of your life. You've made the decision to go on, you probably have lost and gained friends, and now it's all normal. Except it isn't. There's still that big hole, and it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been there that you don't feel complete. But just finding a random person to fill that hole isn't the answer, in my opinion-- whatever the best intentions of your friends and family are. To be fair, they just want you to be happy. But they haven't been there. As we call them here, they're DGIs-- Don't Get Its. What to do? As trite as it sounds, find things that have meaning. It can be a big things, like your children. That goes without saying, I think. I don't have kids, but I do have two wonderful nieces I realized I needed to spend more time with (they were both very close to my wife) But little things, too, like a new garden plant, or maybe teaching your dog a few tricks are worth a lot as well. Hang in there. Keep breathing. When you wake up, think "Okay, I will do one thing today that I will find meaningful. I may not be happy, but I will have done that thing"

Yeah, I guess "questionable activities" are in the eye of the beholder. I did a three day horse haul from Texas to California with a married friend. Her husband and are are friends, too, but more in the sense that I get invited over to their house for dinner periodically. Even shared a hotel room once (separate beds!). But that was coming back from a horse show that we'd competed in. I imagine if I'd called her up and said "Hey, want to drive up the coast together? I know some great wineries!", her husband might have been understandably less than thrilled.

Pixar has a history of hitting the heart strings with me. The opening of Up is pretty much our life story (saw it with the girl, she took it better than me. She always did). Anyway, their newest short is about loss and coping. Spoiler-- it gets pretty raw. https://vimeo.com/187257744 And then there's this, that sits next to my computer. In a better scripted world, the hand holding it would have been hers.

Wow, guys, I'm actually shocked by some of these responses. Is it different for single/widowed women? I mean, if I couldn't hang out alone with married or in-serious-relationship women without their husbands/boyfriends around, I'd lose about a third of my friends (I'm into horses, it's a predominantly female world). Maybe I just radiate harmless. Or maybe there's a lot of men who are loading up buckshot as we speak.

When my wife was alive, I'd hang with unmarried female friends all the time: sometimes with my wife, sometimes not. Most of our friends were mutual, or ended up being mutual, so there was that. Honestly, I think the biking incident is an anomaly. Don't let one couple's problems keep you from making friends.

In her comfy chair, reading a mystery novel, sipping tea, dog at her feet (sometimes head on her lap). We sometimes wouldn't say anything for a while in the evening reading time. It was just good to be in each other's presence.

That was beautiful. Yeah I think all of us who had spouses with chronic illness get that.

I weaned off Wellbutrin over the course of six months, roughly two years after losing my wife. There were a couple of times the doctor stopped the weaning process because of symptom issues. Overall, fairly smooth transition off, though. Dealing with unblunted grief was suddenly difficult, though. It probably took me two more years before I truly could consider myself fully functional. Short answer-- nothing wrong with staying on anti-depressants, but if you want to come off them, be prepared for the rush of emotion. Like SemperFi says, have a plan to deal with the nervous habits. Try to think of productive (or at least not damaging) things you can do as replacement activities. Exercise helps me, at least during the daytime. Anytime I move, it helps pull my brain away from a literal deathspiral. If you can't summon the energy to move, though, try to figure something else-- pet the dog, maybe even watch silly YouTube videos. Hang in there.

Beautiful. Damn allergies.

Oh yeah, the Star Wars movies. I got choked up watching that. She loved them (we were both major geeks) I didn't own horses until a couple of years after she died. Dogs were all we could afford-- medical expenses were a way of life for so long. She couldn't ride that much thanks to her health, but rode a bunch in her youth. I like to think she would have loved my ponies as much as she loved our dogs.

Not sure what an honest review of the literature constitutes, because, no, transgender is not a "primary marker" of mental illness. From the American Psychological Association: I have a wonderful niece who, at age 15, just came out of the closet as gay. Around age 13, she'd started cutting herself and tried to kill herself a few times-- we almost lost her, only saved by her older sister wondering why she was taking so long in the bathroom in the middle of the night. Self hatred and fear of what family and friends will think is a terrible thing. She's doing much better now, has a girlfriend she's in a band with, and generally is back to being a happy kid on the edge of adulthood. Will she only date girls? Don't know. Don't care, as long as she's happy. Nearly losing her on top of losing my wife...my nieces are the closest thing I've got to children. Enough said. My advice-- love and accept your step-daughter/son. He's going to have enough trouble.

Yes. Just past the five year point. In a way, your post makes me feel better-- I'd hate to think we ever stop missing them.

Re: #4. More on "Persistant Complicated Grief Disorder" here: http://www.theravive.com/therapedia/Persistent-Complex-Bereavement-Disorder-DSM--5 Allegedly, it only happens to 10-12% of the bereaved population. Personally, based on the criteria, I find that hard to credit. But truthfully, DSM catagories are often slippery. I could see someone only six months out who might need additional help, like if they were completely incapacitated

Thanks, guys. Guess that's one of the reasons I frequent this board, for that feeling of "I'm not the only one who does this".

Yeah. This. I wish so hard that life was like a video you could scroll back on. I'd do it all over again. And again. Then stop just before it gets sad. Hang in there.

Been a moody couple of weeks, figured I'd treat self to a movie. Except I still feel weird about going to movies alone. So, in a fit of possible maladaptive behavior, I just pretended my wife was with me. Put the popcorn over on "her" side in an empty seat and stole it, like I always used to. Left my hand on the armrest and imagined she would absently pat it from time to time. Quietly commented on parts of it. It was oddly comforting, at least until the lights came on. Not really sure if this is the best thing to do, though. I hear this Vincent Price like voice in my head saying "You should be aware, that path leads to madness..." But it's not like I believe she's really there, so maybe I should roll with it and do what makes me feel better.

Five years. All the time-- often on a long car ride, or maybe when I'm doing something that we usually did together, like going to a bookstore or a movie.

I've learned to cut off ties with toxic family as well-- being family gives them a bit more leeway, but there reaches a point where the antics just drain you too much. And frankly, widows/widowers don't have a lot of Fs left to give.

Congrats!

I hope that hypothetical girlfriend would be okay with distance-- I live on the outskirts of a town of 2400 people. Distance can matter in practical terms, though. To take an extreme example, I ran into an old friend in the airport (I'm a pilot, she's a flight attendant) and she gave me the "next time you're in City X, let's get together". But I'm not going to fly three hours on a day off for dinner. It's borderline stalkerish. So I doubt said dinner is going to happen.

Looks as if I have to be in Phoenix tomorrow for my aviation medical. So no MouseLand for me, I'm afraid. Have fun, everyone!