Trying

I'm not doing online dating so my opinion really means nothing but this thread is always interesting, making me laugh or cringe at times. I think it's a great idea to have a few people of the opposite sex read a profile and give opinions because men and women really are so different. Needytoo I loved your profile but maybe because it made me want to hang out with you and be friends! Reading Portside's take on it made me look at it in a different way and I could literally hear how my DH would have reacted to any talk of self improvement or self discovery and it made me laugh. I'm also wondering how many men read past the first 2 sentences unless something is in bold... Good luck to all of you brave enough to put yourselves out there, keep your sense of humor, stay open to different possibilities.

My heart goes out to you. Take the time you need to grieve the loss of this relationship and for your heart to heal again.

From one panicker to another: Deep breaths Change is scary but it is worth it You deserve to be happy Leave the "what ifs" behind and enjoy the present Keep breathing

I'm 47 so it is not something that really needed to be discussed but one of us, I don't remember who, did bring it up early on just to be sure. If it's not a deal breaker than I think you should bring it up in that manner. I don't think it will freak him out if you talk about it the way you did here.

I think it makes perfect sense. While we may not be in that intense raw grief, the memory of it can come back in an instant. I think of it like a wound healing, the early phases of healing there is a scab and it can easily be opened back up and bring you right back to raw and bleeding. Over time scar tissue starts to build and it takes more and more to open it back up. Eventually I hope we all reach the phase of a good strong scar, a daily reminder but much less fragile. If your instinct is that the scar is still fragile then you are right to protect it.

This is a difficult situation to be in. An honest and heartfelt conversation needs to be had with your MIL. Perhaps you could approach her that you would like to help her problem solve how to have her current and potential future needs met. You could tell her the amount of help you are happily able to give her but that being a primary caregiver for a third person while also working just isn't possible. I'm sure it will not be easy but you need to honor your limitations so you don't spread yourself so thin that you are no help to anyone. This is something I struggle with as well and finding balance still eludes me most of the time.

First Hannah let me say that I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. There are no rules when it comes to grief, you get to do it your way and honestly we have very little control,in the early months especially, on how our grief will manifest. If you get comfort in being around others and honoring your husbands zest for life than that is what is right for you. Those breaks from intense grief are a survival mechanism that you should welcome without guilt. You most likely will go through many phases and in no particular order and the reality of your loss will hit you at different times. People may judge you but that is because they are blessed to never have been in your shoes. Each of us here is unique in our journey but I have found I can always find someone here who can relate to what I am experiencing at any given time. That alone helps me feel less crazy.

You are in a very tough spot because you are the "in law", not a blood relative yet you have a unique perspective. It would be nice if his sister could advocate for their mom but if not, I would find a way to be as non confrontational as possible. Hopefully with your support you MIL will be able to speak up for herself once she gets past the initial shock of grief. it must be so difficult for you to watch her going through this difficult time.

SF I think you brought up some important things and you should not have to hide or forget your past. If your BF is a bit insecure and doesn't like to think about your past loving relationship you may need to talk to him about the importance of it to you. Last night was our last vacation night and one of BFs sisters took me aside and told me how happy they all are to welcome me into their family and that I make their brother happy. She commented on my youngest son fitting in so well and what a sweet boy he is. When I was telling her what a gift BF has been in my life and how patient he has been with my "situation" she said she didn't understand. So I briefly said that dating a widow is not always easy, he has had to be extremely patient with my children, my friends and my in laws getting used to me being with someone other than DH and he has to be a very secure person to understand that I can still love my DH and love him at the same time. She is divorced and remarried and hadn't really given thought to it being different before. I like Bunny's advice of setting the tone myself and just being comfortable to bring DH is natural ways. I tend to worry and over think things way too much. BF has no problem with me talking about DH and that is really all that is important, they will most likely see his comfort level and follow suit.

BF and I have been on a great vacation this week at the shore with his boys (5 and 7)and my youngest son(12) as well as BF's large extended family. It has gone so well I can hardly believe it. The 5 of us are having so much fun together, his family has been very welcoming to my son and I, and he has nephews my son's age that have included him like one of their own. My only weird reaction is that I have all of these new people in my life who don't know DH and my life before. They know I'm widowed of course but respectfully I don't share DH stories so it almost feels like my only history is from my childhood and since BF and I have been together. With BF I have been able to include my past with our present pretty easily but I don't know how to do it with his family or if I even should. I have this urge to make them understand that I'm not like a divorced person, that it wasn't my choice, that I loved DH. Why do I care? For those who have recoupled how do you handle things with relatives? Do you ever talk about your DH/DW with them?

Great to hear from you, congratulations on your marriage!

Congratulations, what a beautiful family!

We always have every intention of doing the gradual thing but it seems every year we have late night stuff going on the week before school starts. We also go back just 3 days before Labor Day weekend and then the 3 day weekend throws them back off again.

My heart goes out to, I definitely found it got worse before it got better. Don't listen to anyone who thinks they know how you should be handling your grief. People become uncomfortable and impatient witnessing grief, but that is about them, not you. In the first year we have to experience all of the ways that our loss effects our lives and as that reality sets in, it is only natural that the pain will be worse at times. You are not crazy, or weak, or broken. You are grieving and it is a long and messy business..

I am so sorry for the loss of you wife and the mother of your children but I am glad you found us. This is a difficult journey and I hope you find the support and understanding here that I have. The emotions can be fierce and unpredictable and the best thing you can do is give space for whatever you are feeling and it helps to have a safe space to do so.

I have found that a little duct tape fixes everything 😉

Just want to share a positive note after all of you were so kind in listening to my ranting. My youngest son (12) offered today to skip his final baseball game Saturday and go with me to my mom's Friday which will save me 6 hours of driving back to get him to turn around and go to the shore. My mom was thrilled because he is the youngest grandchild by 6 years and they enjoy each other so much and now we will spend an overnight with her too. Karma rewarded him because later today after his selfless offer, DHs best friend offered to take him with their family for a week in the Outer Banks later in August. Feeling much more gratitude and less stress this evening. Thank you so much for being my safe place to vent.

Rob I'm sorry this is so frustrating right now and I know how exhausting doing it all alone is. I won't pretend to have any magic answers because as you know I have faced my own parenting challenges and have a few stubborn kids of my own. My middle son went through a phase where I think he was purposefully not doing anything he was supposed to or not doing it right so I would continue to nag and all of our interactions were negative. He seemed to want to prove to himself that I didn't love him. I had to find ways to have positive interactions with him that had nothing to do with chores or expectations. He was too old to fall for a planned "special time" so it had to be just moments grabbed here and there. He has great taste in music so time alone in the car letting him pick a playlist and signing along together is always a good bonding time for us and opens up to communication. You are doing all of the right things as a parent and she is acting like so many teenagers do. The difference is that you don't get to close your bedroom door at night and commiserate with your wife and that part just sucks. Hang in, some how we all will survive this solo parenting journey.

If only you all were my sisters this would be so much easier. Today my sister thanked me for offering to pitch in (me driving over 6 hours in one day day for a half hour medical appointment) because she was feeling so torn about her families "need" to have her at the lake house and my mom's needs. When I said that no one knows better than me what it feels like to be torn she told me I shouldn't let son #2 make me feel guilty about missing his birthday and college orientation or son #3 about being the only kid on the team with no parent at his game (all the other kids have 2 parents and several have grandparents coming). The reality is all 3 of my kids told me last night that they wanted me to be with my mother because they know what it's like to have a parent with cancer. Her adult children though are justified in making her feel bad about missing time at the lake?? After they already had a week together for July 4th?? And her college bound son has 2 parents going to his college orientation?? And my niece has 2 parents driving and flying all over the country to watch her college gymnastics?? I have to put her out of my mind because when I spoke to my mom today she was in tears so I need to go be with her and everything else doesn't matter.

Thank you sojourner and TooSoon. I feel a little better this morning although I didn't sleep much. My sister has been home helping my mom out for almost 2 weeks and I have only been able to go down twice for a day each time so it really is my turn to help out. It's just that it's more complicated for me because my sister doesn't work in the summer, she lives 15 minutes from mom, all of her children are grown and her husband is alive. I will never be able to help as much as her and I'm sure she is resentful. I have work schedule to work around and a 12 year old who I have to get covered. My older 2 can take care of themselves but are each working more than 40 hours a week this summer so they can't help much with 12 year old. I have a huge problem asking for help yet I can never say no to anyone else. I really wanted to get away with BF, his kids and my youngest. We've been dating for 2 years and have only had 2 weekends away together so it's very important to him. His patience has been wearing thin lately with my constant complications and road blocks so where he is usually my calming force I am feeling some pressure on that end too. Everyone is feeling like my priorities are elsewhere and it's true, I'm not giving anyone 100% and any thought of my own needs doesn't even come into anyone's radar, including mine. This summer was supposed to be about getting my business started, house renovations and focus on my health and fitness. Sorry for continuing to whine.

Fuck my life and the growing list of things I can't accomplish in a day.

A common theme in my widowhood has been the feeling that I am constantly letting someone down because there is not enough of me to go around or maybe because I am not great at managing time now. Today I managed to let down my mom, my sister, my son and my boyfriend all because I am trying to find a way to keep everyone happy and meet all of my obligations. My mom lives 2 1/2 hours away and just had a mastectomy. My sister lives near her but goes to their lake house in NH for the summer. She came home to help my mom but is going back Thursday. Mom has a big Dr appointment on Friday so I need to go down to take her. Youngest son is in the middle of baseball playoffs and wants me there. Saturday same son and I are supposed to go away with BF and his kids 2 hours past my moms in opposite direction of me. So I will be be spending 2 days battling weekend summer shore traffic so my mom isn't alone, son can go to baseball and BF won't be disappointed about us missing a day or 2 of vacation. Some how they all are still unhappy with me and make me feel like I'm selfish. And, the day I come home from vacation with BF I'm supposed to pick mom up on my way and drive another 7 hours to bring her to my sisters lake house. All while I'm having renovations on my house that I will have to manage long distance. And son #2's birthday and college orientation are when I am driving all over the place so I can't be with him. I know that was a long jumbled rant of a story but I am so stressed out right now and I really hate letting people down but don't have any solutions. I really can't do everything that everyone thinks I should be able to. I had a partner for 25 years and at times it was too much for 2 of us to handle but now I'm supposed to do it all alone. And each of them will question me about why I haven't signed a lease for my office, gotten my website up and running or finished picking out appliances and countertops for my kitchen renovation. I'm only working part time right now after all so I should be able to do it all.

FB is the devil, we would all be blissfully ignorant of half of the things we are left out of without it. I'm sorry your family has left you out and didn't even have the good taste to hide it. It's ok if your circle gets smaller, as long as it is tighter.

I understand your fears completely, I hope he gets some answers when he sees the Dr. and is on the mend soon. If I knew how to stop the "what if"'s I would share with you but unfortunately they plague me.

Most of my dreams have mostly been upsetting, with him returning without explanation and not answering my questions. The rare times I have a dream about him where he is just there feel like a gift so I understand it being a comfort to you.