Trying

Nothing meaningful to add, I just want to send support your way. What a difficult announcement to make and a confusing one to hear. I believe that if you handle it with love then acceptance will follow.

Cancer sucks!!!! I'm so sorry you have been hit so hard.

Welcome and I am so very sorry you need to be here. I think you will find great support here, our definition of "young" is pretty broad. I lost my husband of 20 years to cancer, not suicide, but I think there are many things we share in common. I'm sure our members who are survivors of suicide can offer you support as well. Read, post when you are comfortable, and know that you are not alone.

Moving brings out a whole crazy mix of emotions, I completely get how you feel. I was almost 2 years out when I moved and I can say it really was for the best but it was so hard. Good luck with the move, take any help you can, it won't be easy but you are doing what is best for you.

10 years...sometimes it's hard to wrap our heads around the passage of time. Glad you came here to share.

For me it's mostly things to do with our kids. So many moments big and small that he has missed. I also would have loved to hear the things he would've said about the election, sometimes I can just hear his snarky comments when I'm watching the news and I laugh.

Klim you have me pegged exactly, I think and I think and I over think. As hard as I try to "live in the moment" I never quite get there. I dropped son #2 off at college today and as much as I was trying to be happy and excited for him I couldn't stop myself from worrying that he will follow in his older brothers footsteps and drop out. I don't voice my worries to him but it's the elephant in the room so to speak and I allowed it to stand in the way of me being fully present for him. I can't stop myself from wondering how different my boys lives would be if Tim was still here.

Been feeling much the same lately.

This is heartbreaking, my thoughts and prayers are with you, your daughter and her husband, and your whole family.

I will say also that these feelings are to be expected, I hate to say "normal" because I know that none of this feels normal. Be gentle with yourself, there are times you will have to tell yourself to suck it up and put the mask on but there are also times you need to give yourself permission to fall apart. One breath at a time until it eases.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and especially sorry for your niece. I think that it is very kind of you to want to do something to support your niece, she is so young to be a caregiver and to have experienced so much loss. I hope you can find a way to be there for her without compromising the boundaries you have set between you and your MIL.

I am still working on my career change having hit some road blocks in finding office space to open my own massage and wellness practice. I'm working part time for someone else but I'm anxious to get my own business going. I have a week long continuing Ed course coming up in September that I'm really excited about. Change is motivating and terrifying at the same time.

I'm still having trouble shaking this sadness. I have so much going on right now with home renovations on the house I bought without him, dropping middle son off for college in 2 days without him, 3 year sadiversary in September, trying to jumpstart new career venture, oldest son still struggling with finding his path. Things are also progressing with my chapter 2 love and while I am very happy about our plans there is a part of me that is struggling with the idea of being some one else's wife. I still identify myself as Tim's wife and I'm not sure what to do with that. It's not something I can really talk about with any one in my real life because they wouldn't understand.

Good luck with your final semester Maureen!

I say go for it! Maybe a group tour or group adventure type trip would be a good place to start. You would meet people and it would be organized for you.

I am glad to hear about the relief of your financial stress, that's a big burden to carry alone for 5 years. You have a great attitude about your chapter 2 and I wish you and your children all the best.

For the most part at this point, coming up on 3 years, I am so busy focusing on my kids and managing the day to day operations of life as well as nurturing my chapter 2 relationship. While I think of DH several times throughout the day it is no longer painful but more wistful most of the time. The pain and ache is most often associated now with things to do with the kids, good things he is missing and struggles he is not here to help me with. But some days like today I am hit in the gut with that feeling "how could this possibly be my life, how is it possible he is not here??" I was struck today by how hard I am working to put my life back together and to make the most of an awful situation that I never chose to be in. The constant planning, struggling, working towards goals, and looking hard to find the good in my life is exhausting. And there is plenty of good, really, but it is all so hard fought for. With DH life had a rhythm that I was comfortable with, our plans were made together over many years, our path and direction were pretty clear. Today I am focused on all that I have lost; my best friend, love and partner of 25 years, our tight traditional family unit, the father of my children, many friends, our social life, our home, our future plans, the chance to someday welcome a grandchild together, the keeper of 25 years of memories, financial security and so many little things. I don't want to dwell on it because I have many good things on the horizon to be grateful for but today I am sad and grieving.

It's taken my kids a long time to adjust to me having a boyfriend, and I guess they are still adjusting. It is very painful to be torn between my kids needs and my own. My older two are barely around and my youngest who really is the most impacted has been the most accepting. I admit I have handled some situations poorly because of the older twos very strong initial reaction but the best thing has just been time. I very, very slowly started integrating him into our lives. Initially I would meet him out for dates or we would go to his place, we would only talk on the phone after I had gone to my room to bed at night. Gradually he would pick me up for a date with just a brief hello and slowly he started spending more and more time here. I never forced them to spend time with him but eventually they were watching a football game or eating dinner with us. While I don't think we should allow our children to dictate our lives I do believe in honoring how difficult it is for them and being respectful of their feelings. I think that most children (and young adults) are very self centered by nature and have trouble seeing their parents as real people and their emotions can vary day to day. It is painful and difficult and I can only hope it gets easier and easier over time for all of us.

I hated when people called me strong, it felt like they were invalidating the pain and the struggle I faced every minute of every day. There is nothing wrong with giving yourself a break from the harsh realities of grief by being out with friends and seeking the comfort of what feels "normal". We can be both weak and strong, be kind to yourself.

As difficult as it is I think it's better that you know the door has been closed. Stick to the no contact and take this time to heal. I'm so sorry you are going through this pain and while I do think we learn from painful experiences there comes a point when you think you don't have the strength to learn one more thing.

Getting ready to take my middle son off to college next week and feeling emotional. Two years ago DHs best friend came with me to drop my oldest off but this time I will be doing it alone. I think these milestone moments will always be bittersweet as they highlight who is missing.

(((Jen)))

Another loner here piping in. When DH was alive we entertained friends constantly, he was definitely more outgoing than I was but I enjoyed our full social life. My circle has really shrunk and I very rarely initiate anything with friends and have turned down so many offers that I don't get many anymore. My BF is also happy to hang out with just me or with his kids, my kids, so there is no push from his side. There are times that I think "what if he dies too?" and now I don't have much of a support system left in place. I've been saying for a while that I need to nurture a few old friendships and maybe cultivate some new ones yet I haven't found the energy to do so. I admire people who seem to do it with ease.

My DH was very handy and was also a control freak so while I always thought I was pretty strong and independent after 20 years of marriage and never living on my own before we married, I realized there was so much I didn't know how to do! While there are many things I have since learned to do out of necessity there are certain things I really don't want to have to learn and I have been know to have a temper tantrum or two in certain situations. Just this weekend my AC unit was leaking, for the third time since I bought the house a year ago. I called the repair man and BF asked "why didn't you have him show you the first time how to fix it yourself?". Well, electrical wiring and water all over are way out of my comfort zone so I payed yet again. Also I'm in the middle of major home remodel job and I am realizing that while I'm pretty good at making decisions and lining things up, I'm not at all good about being a hard ass. DH always got very chummy with anyone doing work on our house but demanded a level of work and was on top of every little thing being done to his standard. I really miss him and our teamwork.

I'm sorry you are facing financial struggles, it really can be so stressful. My opinion is to never sacrifice your contributions to retirement, it's too important. I have a lot of friends who are doing direct sales for extra income and some have been quite successful, and I can think of at least 3 who are making more than in their full time job. Clothing, skin care products, nutritional programs, jewelry, home goods, bags, there are so many options. With social media you can do virtual sales not just house parties. It's more flexible than a part time job, just a thought.