Trying

Such a stressful time but all for good reason! Do your best to go with the flow and know the chaos won't last forever. Good luck with all of the last minute stuff and with your new adventure.

I've been staying out of this because so many of you have responded more eloquently than I could but I have been reading and thinking about this quite a lot. I would like to say to our original poster (if he is still around) and to anyone who saw themselves in his post that I think it is very brave to be so honest and so in touch with your personal struggles as a parent and as a human being. While I always wanted to be a parent, the reality of my 20 years of parenting is that I often feel inadequate and since Tim died, I have at times felt like a complete failure. I find myself dreading the teen years that are fast approaching with my youngest because they have been the most challenging with my older 2. As parents we need to be able to talk about the realities of parenting more openly with each other so we can stop beating ourselves up and get on with the job of parenting. Of course I am not going to tell my children that there are days I wish they would all just move away but venting to other parents about my frustrations help me to move on. There are ages and stages that parenting feels like a job, the hardest job. There are also times it feels like a joy and a privilege. I can only imagine when a child is brought into the world at a time that coincides with one parents painful deterioration and death, that it complicates the bonding process for the surviving parent. How can you look back fondly on those early years of their life when they bring back memories of the painful caregiving you were providing for your spouse? Sometimes we have to "fake it until we make it" while we find our way. I read nothing in the original post that sounded like physical or emotional neglect, that would be a whole different story. What I read was a man in pain who felt disconnected from his child and concerned that he wasn't living up to his expectations of what a good parent is. A truely bad parent does not see or care about about their short comings. There are times when we all need a kick in the pants and times when we need compassion and understanding. I think Portside misread the need here and while I don't think his intent was to cause more pain, that seems to be the result. It's important to know your audience, get a feel for where a person is at, and when someone states that they are not looking for advice, don't give any.

Happy Father's Day to all of our Dads who are parenting solo, and big hugs to all of the moms and kids facing this day without that special man here to celebrate. My FIL is taking my kids to a Red Sox game, a huge relief for me to not have to manage this day with them. My kids are Yankees fans but they love their annual Red Sox game with grandpa. Today I am missing my Dad and the father of my children.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Sounds like you are making great head way. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to make decisions about his sculptures, you can't get much more personal than something a person creates. Hopefully your FIL and SIL will have some clear ideas of what they want to happen with the remaining ones.

I'm sorry you are struggling ArtLovingDad. I don't think it's unusual to feel like you are just going through the motions, I certainly did at a year, year and a half and sometime I still do. It sounds like you are taking a lot of positive steps in regards to your health both physically and emotionally and it will pay off. Be patient with yourself, you are not worthless or a bad person, you are human.

Tybec i totally understand throwing guidelines and plans out the window and feeling conflicted. But yes, we are not getting any younger, we understand that life is a precious thing and time is not something we can count on.

I am so sorry he has responded this way. I can tell you that it's better to know now and blah blah blah but it really just sucks that he is not able to be what you deserve. I'm sorry that you risked opening yourself up but I do believe there is someone worthy out there for you.

Bumbleb I hope you are easing into your time off and embracing it. I have to say I am really enjoying my time. I start a part time job next week, just 2 days a week and I'm looking for office space to open my own practice but besides that I am getting some projects done around the house, enjoying lots of recreation on the lake, reading a book for pleasure, hanging with my kids and with NG. It feels really good and I will enjoy the slower pace for the time I have it.

There is no timetable for feeling the impact of loss on our lives. Sending you tight hugs and understanding as you face the day to day difficult challanges of doing it all alone.

Very touching and real description of marriage, thank you for your honesty and your beautifully written words. "I am both better and worse for his death", amen to that.

First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I'm sure you are so full of mixed emotions as I often find myself. You never asked to be in the position of building a new life but you have managed to do that despite your grief. its a lot to wrap your head around when you are in love with someone else and are looking forward to your future while still having a part of your heart in the past. As for your inlaws, I think it's very complicated. Each of you has your own grief and your own limitations. While they may be happy for you it could be very difficult for them to see another man getting to share his his life with you. For a long time I had such a hard time with my MIL, her grief was too hard for me to bear witness to, I resented that in the worst time in either of our lives she had her husband and 3 other children to lean on and I had no husband and 3 kids leaning on me. Not very rational or very fair of me and I'm sure my emotional distance was confusing and hurtful to her. Neither of us have been very good about putting the others needs first. As much as you can, keep looking forward and being present in your new marriage. Tim will always be a part of you. You learned how to love and be a partner with him and he helped to shape the person you are. You would have continued to grow and evolve if he was still alive and you should continue to grow now. Give yourself permission to do what makes you happy, to nurture the positive relationships in your life and allow other relationships to evolve or dissolve in the natural course of things. I wish you a long and happy life with your new husband and as Maureen said, embrace your new life.

Kate I love your post, "feel the fear and do it anyway". Not how I have lived my life for most of my 47 years but have been trying to do just that this past year with some success. Jen I think the meetup group and audition are great, good luck! What if you start a journal, sort of like a gratitude journal but more of a happiness and inspiration journal. You can keep track of moments when you feel joy or inspiration during the week and see if that leads you in a direction of change. Its ok to dare to be a little crazy

Sounds like an amazing retreat! It sounds like your "friend" is showing her true colors and now you know it's not just you seeing it. Some friendships need to just fade into the background. Thanks for sharing your update, keep putting yourself out there and drawing more positive people towards you.

I am so sorry to hear this. Sending you and your daughter much support from afar.

I can relate to your need for change, it's where I was last year. Taking that first step, deciding what you want is the hardest part. I still have more to go on my career plans and my personal goals but once I started with the first decision the others started coming easier. The way I looked at, even if I made some wrong choices it couldn't be worse than feeling stagnant and stuck. I know this is not the life you wanted, it's hard and it's lonely. I hope you find that one thing you can change so the tide starts to turn in a more positive direction for you, you deserve it.

Maureen you have gone through so much losing your two loves, my heart is with you today.

It's such a difficult topic and I feel for your concerns and uncertainty. I also started dating one man early out and I have made several mistakes as well as good decisions in my handling of my children along the way because of my caution and uncertainty. I kept the relationship secret from them initially because they had major meltdowns at just the idea of me dating. By the time they met him we were very serious but I still kept the meetings very brief and infrequent. We have now been dating 2 years and my kids are finally more accepting and he is spending more time here with his kids also. I am definitely to the extreme in how slowly I have integrated him into my family but I did so in response to my children. My errors, I would say, have been in not being more honest with children in the beginning in my attempt to protect them. I am glad that I waited until I was sure I wanted to share my life with this man before involving him in my kids lives. You know your children best and what is right for them. As parents I think it's natural to worry and second guess ourselves. Our children are experiencing so much pain that we can't fix and the last thing we want to do is add to it. try to enjoy the relationship and see where it is going, so many wise people here have shared their experiences and support with me along the way which has been a tremendous help, but ultimately you need to figure out what works for family. Wishing you all the best.

Yesterday we had a graduation party for son #2, the first party I have had at our new house. I was anxious because every time we have hosted a party or since Tim died, one of the kids has had a major meltdown. Many of my friends and some of my family hadn't been to the new house yet and NG and his kids were going to be here, so lots of anxiety. I asked my son many times if he wanted the party and that he didn't had to agree because he thought it's what I wanted. He assured me he wanted a party. His girlfriends parents came and I had only met them once briefly for prom pictures. Other than some rain it was a perfect day! My oldest took people out in groups on the boat so his anxiety was less than at other social events since his dad died. Everyone was great with NG, including my MIL who was awful when they met the first time. Son's girlfriend's parents fit in very well. Food was awesome. Everyone had a great time. DH and I were the party hosts extraordinair and every time I tried to host in the old house without him, his absence overwhelmed everyone. But in the new house there were no clawing memories of how it used to be, he was brought up many times, how he would love that we are by the lake and using the boat, how proud he would be of his son and of all of us. But it was all good. Moving was such a good decision for us. Somehow when we talk about him and remember him now it's with more sweetness than pain. He left such a strong imprint on our old home that it was suffocating to be there without him. I know some people take comfort in being in the same place, touching the same things their love touched, but for us it was too painful. I will always miss him, especially when celebrating one of our kids, and I will always incorporate him in our lives. But I know he wanted us to keep living, to find our own way, and on these days when I feel like I have found that balance of honoring his memory and living life in the present, my heart is full. It's not every day or even every week that I feel this way so I embrace it when it happens. Tim, I will not let your legacy be that your death destroyed us. We honor you by living the way you lived.

Congratulations and best wishes as you begin your new life together! I love what cathyr said, you have definitely demonstrated that your heart is more than big enough to hold your past and your present loves.

I think a boost to my self esteem would be a man saying he loves me so much he can't stand the thought of me with another man.

Be grateful for those moments you can focus on something other than your grief, whether it's work, a movie or a good book, you need those breaks to build your strength. I took too long off of work after losing my DH, about 3 months, and found when I went back the distraction was good for me. This is a long journey with many twists and turns. There is no right or wrong way to feel along the way.

I would say listen to your gut about this guy. If your gut says he is a good and honest man then take his word that his anxiety is the issue. Continue to talk with him and find out what he thinks would be the best way to gradually meet your family and friends and integrate your worlds. If your gut is making you question his honesty and you have a feeling that something else is going on then I would dig a little deeper. I have some social anxiety, it is not severe and I can manage most situations though not always comfortably. There have been times when I let it get the better of me and I bail on things so I can see if someone suffers more severely than I do that it can really interfere. Good luck moving forward.

At 6 weeks you are supposed to be in shock, in a puddle, and in the depths of grief. Don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling or acting. I also saved my darkest moments to be out of site of my children but they need to see us grieve so they understand their feelings are normal. Your MIL may be denying her grief or she just can't handle seeing the pain you and your daughter are in. Whatever the reason, she needs to deal with her grief in her way and let you deal in your own way. I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm glad you found us.

Thank you for posting this. Sometimes we can see things more clearly when it applies to someone other than ourselves. I am taking a little time off as well after a stressful year as I prepare for a career change and opening my own practice. It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet and I'm struggling with guilt over not being "productive". But it feels good to catch up on so many neglected things including exercise. It sounds like you need this time too. Why do we waste time feeling guilty??