Trying

It is more complicated now than it was before children and widowhood. He sounds like he is sensitive to your unique situation so maybe you can just be honest with him. Would you feel comfortable being "exclusive" but asking him to proceed slowly with the relationship? Let him know it may take a little longer for you to completely open your heart? My chapter 2 and I moved very slowly to introduce our children and my friends and family to each other for my comfort but we were exclusive after one date (which was after 2 weeks of multi hour nightly phone conversations). Proceed in whatever way makes you comfortable but be open to the possibility that this man could be someone special.

days, thank you for sharing honestly about your relationship with your DH. My relationship with DH was lacking intimacy for several years, we got along ok but we were lacking both physical and emotional intimacy. In the 4 months he was suffering with cancer we regained the emotional intimacy and it made me realize what was missing for so long. I think that this is part of the reason I allowed myself to enter into a relationship relatively early out, I craved intimacy in all its forms. I had shut off that part of me for years because DH was a good man, a wonderful father and a great partner in many ways and I would have been content to be his wife into old age. This is part of what I have had trouble reconciling since he died. My current relationship provides me with both emotional and physical intimacy that I had been missing since the early years of my marriage. But DH was family, we were co parents, we had history, we had a tight social circle ( that is mostly gone now), I could always count on him, and we had a comfortable rhythm to our life together. Two completely different relationships, two men I love.

Sounds like a tricky situation and probably hard for you to just be neutral. Hopefully it won't tear the family apart. Maybe she is an opportunist, maybe she is a kind and understanding soul, maybe he sees her as a safe person to seek physical comfort from, maybe she does all of the traveling because he is a single Dad. It is his journey and while I understand it can be hard on the family to support what they feel is a mistake, I think he deserves a little slack.

I've had lots of car screaming moments, let it out! I'm sorry your friends let you down in such a crappy way.

I met Tim when I was 19, we were together 25 years, married for 20. For me the idea of dating and being intimate with another man was daunting and felt impossible. We were supposed to grow old together and I never imagined being in a situation where I would want to be with another man. When I opened myself up to it I went through every range of emotions and there were some tears but I am so glad I was open to it. From the beginning it felt right when I was with NG and it was only when I was alone that the crazy emotions would take over and leaving me wondering how could this be my life? But over time I reconciled my feelings and I have come to terms with the fact that I am making the most of this new life, I didn't chose to be a widow, to lose my life partner and first love, but it's ok for me to keep living and loving. Good luck to you on this phase, try to relax and be open to possibilities.

TornApart I am glad you found us here. The break up sounds like it was the right thing to do for you and I'm sorry that it is complicated by his depression and your feelings of being responsible for him. It's very good that you are going for counseling because you need to hear that you can not be responsible for someone else's happiness and mental health, you can not save him from the disease of depression. I hope he continues to get help for himself and to find more purpose in his life. Sending you tight hugs as you grieve the loss of this relationship.

Big hugs to you. You have every reason to be pissed off and hurt. Vent away then get to work figuring out what comes next. I am confident that you will put your passion into a new direction that will bring you more professional and personal satisfaction. So many changes are thrust upon us in our widowed life that it gets exhausting but professional change can be exciting and motivating, I'm in the middle of that now, and it feels good to take control of the changes.

I think you've gotten some sound advice. Facing our fears is never easy so I have a lot of respect for you tackling this. Take back control!

I am very sorry to hear about your loss, saying a prayer for you and your family.

Dianne I am so very sorry for your loss and for your little girls. You have found a wonderful place where people understand the devastation you are experiencing. Keep reading and post as much as you need to, we can't take away the pain but we can help you feel less alone in your grief.

So many of those little things I took for granted with DH and then missed so much when he was gone. I'm a terrible sleeper and always need to fall asleep with either the TV on or reading. Every night he would take the book from hand or turn off the TV after I was asleep. Now with NG I appreciate all of the little thing and try to make a point to tell him. I've been so stressed out my mothers cancer diagnosis and pending surgery on Monday that I finally just crashed yesterday and fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours in the afternoon. When I woke up he had hung up the flag I had bought and then cooked dinner.

Oh Mark I am very sorry that your day was ruined. We each handle these dates in our own unique way and your way of staying busy and preoccupied was working for you. So many of us feel hurt when no one calls or remembers so I would say that her intentions were probably good and based on what she thinks she would need in your situation. Sometimes with us Wids it's damned if you do, damned if you don't. I hope your busy weekend gets your mood back on track. And I agree, fuck the damn FB memories!

I should've known that nothing is ever as simple as it seems with cancer. They had mom get a second biopsy because of a shadow on her mammogram film and it came back as cancer also. Now her lumpectomy for Monday has been cancelled and she will need a mastectomy. She will find out more tomorrow when she sees the doctor and thankfully my sister will be able to go with her this time. I am a total mess. My mom is a widow also and I hate that she will go through such a difficult surgery and follow up treatment with my Dad by her side. My sister keeps saying that she has us and friends but what she doesn't understand is what it is like to go to bed alone at night, when all of the fears and emotions of the day catch up with you and there is no one there to hold you. Mom is strong and independent, people in my life probably describe me that way too, but I know that when the lights go out and I'm in bed alone, I am weak and vulnerable and miss those strong comforting arms around me.

Well meaning people sometimes want to cheer us up and think they can take our minds off our loss but it doesn't always work that way. I'm sorry this birthday is hitting you so hard, I can completely understand it. Some days a really good cry is what we need more than anything, especially when you've been working so hard to keep up the facade that you are "fine". You will find lots of understanding here and no need to ever hide from us how you are really feeling. Birthday hugs.

I'm sorry for the bad time and the feeling of being isolated. I think is all too common for us wids to experience the loss of friends and sometimes family on top of losing our spouse. For me, there were people who really disappointed me by their absence and then there are people I put off because I tend to isolate myself instead of leaning on others. I also know there are times when I can be in a room full of people and still feel so lonely. I will forever be grateful that in those times I feel so isolated that there are always people here to,turn to.

Thank you for sharing. Relationships are always a 2 way street and it is much harder to look critically at our own behavior than our partner's. I will try to take inspiration from you and do a little more of that in my own relationship.

Arneal I will tell you that when I started my post widow relationship after being with my DH 25 years I was shocked at how bold I could be about when where and how when it came to physical intimacy. I didn't rush into it even though it was all I could think about and I requested he get a physical and STD work up before I would even consider it. I had no idea what was the norm in dating after being out of it so long but decided I needed to do what was right for me and screw any rules. It worked out spectacularly!

I know all too well that life isn't fair but whenever I think of your story with your Polarbear I want to cry "but that's just NOT FAIR!"

It is all so much to try to wrap your head around some days. In my day to day life I feel I can mostly separate my love for DH and missing him and our life from the love I have for my boyfriend and my hopes for our future. But in my dreams, it gets cloudy and confused like you described. DH coming back, me not wanting to choose or sometimes a dream when I'm not sure which one I'm with because I can't see him clearly. A total mind f***! I would say that you need to honor your anniversary and the feelings it brings up in whatever way feels right to you so when it passes you get back to focusing on what is here and now. In the mean time, gentle hugs to you

In the early days, weeks and months unpredictable emotions are the only predictable thing. I'm so sorry you have the need to join us but I'm glad you found us. You are not alone and no matter what comes up you will find someone here who understands. Sending you tight hugs.

As I said, I don't normally comment on these types of things on social media because strong and differing opinions can further divide us. This is not a simple one dimensional issues. While I am all for sensible gun control, I don't think guns are the issue. Hate is the issue. It was not guns that killed and maimed people at the Boston Marathon. Suicide bombers are not using guns. Hate, ignorance, and intolerance are the problem and taking away the guns will only mean a different weapon will be used. I don't have an answer for how we end hatred and stop violence as a means of expressing opposition. The problem is not simple and neither is the solution.

I don't pretend to understand the fear that minorities live with worrying that a person with authority and a gun can end their life without cause. Being a white, middle class woman I don't worry if I am pulled over for a traffic violation that I could be shot. Prejudice and disparity is still a very real thing. I also can't comprehend shooting innocent police officers because of the act of a very small percentage. Isn't that prejudice also? How are we going to attract good men and women to become police officers with the very real fear of being shot down regardless of how you conduct yourself on and off the job? Where is the out rage on the horrific numbers of black on black shootings, particularly in Chicago? Don't those black lives matters too? Terrorism and radicals threaten our safety in this country and around the world every day because of ignorance and prejudice, we should be coming together not further dividing ourselves into "us" and "them" by race, religion, sexual orientation, political affiliation, or police vs citizens. I don't normally comment on such things publicly and I held back from commenting on many divisive FB posts this morning. I don't have answers or solutions, what I have is profound sadness. My children are living in such a different world than I grew up in and I can not protect them from the harsh realities.

I'm coming up on 3 years and have not crossed the imaginary in our king sized bed. I don't even think of it as much any more as his side of the bed, I think it's more of a habit after 20 years of marriage.

The doctors appointment went as well as we could've hoped for. She will only need a lumpectomy, no chemo, possibly radiation but not a definite. The surgeon was very positive of a good prognosis. Mom and I both felt relief and a sense of real hope which feels very different than the false hope I felt with my Dad and DH when they were diagnosed with impossible odds. Her surgery is scheduled the same day as my son's annual colonoscopy and endoscopy so my sister will have to take her. Might as well get all of the anxiety over in one day I guess! I hated to leave her to come home. She has lots of great friends who will keep her busy while she waits for surgery but knowing she goes to bed and wakes up alone is hard. That's something my sister just can't understand, the loneliness of not having that one person who puts you above everything else by your side. Thanks for the support and for giving me a safe place to talk about how hard this is.

Our disagreements tend to be about things we are each insecure about. My boyfriend is also the only person in my life who is honest in his opinions and advice with me because he is the only one I am completely honest with about my struggles ( except all of you here). He has young children and I have older teens and I can get pretty defensive when his opinion of my parenting hits a nerve. He is often spot on and it's a matter of the truth hurting but there are times when it's more that he hasn't had to deal with a teenager yet. Other arguments have been about me being so less available than he is, he usually realizes pretty quickly that he is being unfair and me realizing that I get defensive because I can't always be the girlfriend I would like to be since I have 24-7 parenting responsibilities. Being widowed has not translated into me not sweating the small stuff but it has lead me to look at the whole picture and not stay stuck in petty arguments. With DH I wouldn't always talk out what was bothering me and it would fester under the surface for too long. Conflict is natural in a relationship, figuring out how to deal with it as a couple is key.