Trying

Twisted Mensa that just plain sucks! I am so sorry for your son and for you. I think your Thanksgiving plan sounds like a safe and good plan. JacklessSally, I'm very sorry your wedding never happened, it really is so unfair.

You have a history with PB neighbor so I think the awkwardness of your past and present colliding is inevitable. As much fun as he is, from what you've said, he's not relationship material. That's why he served a purpose for you when you didn't want a relationship. Settling into a real relationship with NG may be great overall but its never going to have the excitement of a secret, no strings attached, nonrelationship thing. It's all about what you want now. That's something only you know. For me, when NG and I start taking steps forward is when I start looking for things to argue about, pick apart or I just try to push him away. I'm guessing that if I was lucky enough to have a PB neighbor I would start thinking the grass is always greener.

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a little better tonight. We talked this morning and I was still angry. Then in class today we were discussing conflict resolution and the need to be "right" vs the need to resolve the conflict. When NG and I talked this afternoon I was much calmer. He apologized for starting the argument and I apologized for blowing it way out of proportion. I did have a right to be annoyed with him last night but it's the level of anger over a pretty insignificant issue that I don't like about myself. He knew I was angry last night but I didn't really let it out until I was alone in the car driving home. So the anger mostly had an effect on me, I was the one with the racing heart, the stomach in knots, the headache from screaming in the car to myself. Thankfully it doesn't happen often because I think it's very unhealthy and I wish I knew where it was coming from.

Yes! I know that feeling. Unfortunately.

Sex appeal goes way beyond physical attractiveness and I love the way you described your NG, mmg19. Good luck as you explore outside the friend zone. It sounds like you have a wonderful foundation already.

In my chapter 2 I am trying to learn from my marriage and from my loss to be a better partner. I express my love and appreciation more easily and genuinely, I'm more open, I try hard to make time and be in the moment despite my crazy schedule. But one problem I am having is that I am very quick to anger. A small thing can set me off and I jump to "how dare you, I don't need this!" in my head and screaming in my car when I leave. I worked hard to get past the anger part of my grief because I am really uncomfortable with anger but could it be creeping into my new relationship? I really hate feeling this way and I know it's way out of proportion to the situation but I can't seem to let go of it when it happens. I probably should be apologizing this morning for over reacting last night but instead I'm still angry about what caused the argument in the first place. Uhgg, maybe being alone would just be easier.

Sending you virtual support TooSoon, it sounds like an extremely emotional experience to have to look at yourself with such a detailed and critical eye. Hope you get a chance to breath and celebrate meeting your deadline! Arabic calligraphy, hmmm, no advice on getting through 90 minutes of that! Lol

My youngest went trick or treating with friends in a different neighborhood, I didn't want to stay home alone knowing we wouldn't get any kids ringing the bell at our new house (too remote). So I went with NG and his kids, they are little and adorable so it was fun.

For me, it just means the clock will say it is an hour earlier when I wake up tomorrow. I can use the extra hour to study for an acupressure final, but I probably won't...

Maureen, you have faced so many obstacles in your widow journey and I know it is a tough road. The good news is that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and you work hard at looking forward. I'm glad you still have time left in your program so you don't have to make any major decisions about where you will end up just yet.

I think I will be a better spouse if that day comes. I'm working on it now as a girlfriend. I want to be more communicative, less spiteful, laugh more, speak up for myself more, express my love and gratitude daily. My marriage was good but we both could've done better, we took each other for granted. The marriage may or may not be better but I will be a better partner. Time is too precious to waste on egos

Not weird at all Sugarbell, you know what works for you. For me, I like being in a partnership, that's what I knew for 20 years. It's only been 2 Years for me but I think, especially recently, I have proven to myself I can do it on my own. I like my time alone with my kids, I like my time alone with NG, but I really like the thought of coming home to everyone in one place. NG is the last person I talk to every night and it would be so much nicer to do it across the pillows instead of over the phone.

Captains Wife, from one cautious over thinker to another I will say that none of this is easy! New Guy is starting to spend a little time here with my kids and sometimes with his kids too and we have moved extremely slowly. We don't do sleep overs because my kids are older and I don't feel comfortable having that be so in their face. We are definitely working towards blending but not for quite some time still and I am actually entertaining the idea of marriage which I originally never thought I would. My kids are the primary reason that we are moving so slowly but I think it's good for me too. I still have some things I want to work on in myself before committing myself to "till death do us part" again. I would love to be more go with the flow, but that's really not who I am and at 46, I'm probably not going to change. Keep doing what feels comfortable and enjoy that alone time with NG too, it's important in a new relationship.

I agree that a man (or woman) needs to have control and respect in his own home and having adult children living at home can be very difficult under the best of circumstances. I've had 3 babies and was under no additional emotional stress when I had them yet I was an emotional mess at times. I wasn't in any way implying that Torn should allow himself to be bullied, only to be sensitive to his daughter's experience when handling the situation. This is a family in a very raw state of grief and major life changes. I hate seeing families torn apart when they need each other the most. But being there for each other might mean not living together.

Married, mom dies, moving in with a disabled Dad, and a new baby all in a few short months. Wow. However you decide to set the boundaries (and regardless of what she is going through, you need to set boundaries in your house), I would be mindful of her experience when you talk to her. The important thing is to preserve your relationship and if they need to find other living arrangements and you find other means of getting the assistance you need, then do that. I'm really very sorry for how difficult things are for you right now, it sounds like you need your space to grieve without this added stress.

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to write a professional narrative without saying "and I accomplished all of this even though...". It's not that we want to make excuses or have special considerations but to understand the complete picture of who we are it feels important to know where we have come from and what we have come through. My guess is you would not be able to even scratch the surface in 20 pages to describe the challenges you dealt with. The powers that be may never understand that and you're right, your self worth is not in their decision. Wishing you the best.

So many times I turn in a situation to catch Tim's knowing eye, and of course, he's not there. Thanks for putting into words all of those small intimate connections that I miss. Also, I gave him my tomatoes and I got his black olives.

Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries are all a stark reminder of who is missing, as if we don't feel it enough every day. I hope you have some gentle distractions to get you through the day and that you can avoid anyone who does understand that it's a hard day.

I agree SB, I've said before I can't stand it when someone says that so and so beat cancer because so many prayed for them or because God must have a special purpose for them here on earth. My DH had countless people praying for him and his job as a Dad was not finished, among other things. Some people are lucky, some are not. Sometimes people create their own bad luck, sometimes they fight like hell and it's still not enough. Mancino, "It is what it is" was one of my husband's favorite lines.

Congratulations! Thanks for sharing your happy news

Thank you for sharing. This is something that makes me cringe whenever I hear it. Searching for the "why" or being made to feel like I have to turn tragedy into something positive is not helpful in any way and can make me feel like I'm failing at grieving. Are there some ways in which I have grown and changed in a positive way as a result of my loss? Definitely. Do they outweigh the negative effects of losing my DH? Absolutely not! I would gladly trade my hard won life lessons to go back my life with DH.

I'm sorry you had such a rough weekend. My Dad passed away 5 years before my DH and the compounded grief can hit hard sometimes. I think those dark moments are scary because you think you are past that level of grief and when it hits so hard it's almost a shock and an awful reminder of the early grief. I find that I am completely exhausted immediately after an episode like that but then I almost feel lighter after the grief hangover passes. I hope you feel a little better and lighter today.

I have 3 boys. They were 9, 15, and 17 when we lost their Dad 2 years ago. The older 2 have had some struggles, especially my oldest who had just started his senior year in high school when DH died. Things have settled down and I really like being around them. Boys dont share a lot but when they do, they are very open and sometimes give more information than I need! They are loud, sloppy, and eat me out of house and home. They have friends over and I love the boy energy and testosterone. I still hate all that they are missing out on by not having Dad around, but the older 2 are stepping up for my youngest which is awesome to see. They are all really close.

I confessed this one to my son last night, sometimes I just want to be left alone to sit on my couch and veg in silence. If my kids are invading my space I turn on bad reality shows like the Kardashians and it clears the room in 2 seconds! Then I can turn something interesting back on.

Controlling PTA moms in suburbia are the same everywhere! with 3 kids I was at the same elementary school for 14 years and saw moms come and go who needed to be in control. I went from stay at home mom, to working partime to working full time to working and being widowed. It's good for our kids to see us volunteer and get involved in their school so, like you I tried to just laugh off the level of craziness that some moms brings to organizing these things. I have to admit doing a little happy dance at my very last ice cream social!