Trying

Paul, I think it's a big step that you are being so honest here about your drug abuse. It's a very hurtful reality for many of us widow/ers that people disappear when we need them the most and I'm very sorry that this happened to you. Addiction also drives people away so you've got the double wammy of isolation. It sounds like it's time for you to get some help on a professional level and put in the hard work of getting clean, only then can you get to the hard work of grief and sorting out who is left in your life to support you. My best friend was widowed 8 years before me and it was several years before addiction became apparent with her. She lost her job and her kids for over a year and burned many bridges in the process. She put off admitting her problem and accepting help for too long and she is now slowly working on rebuilding her life and her relationships. Don't wait 8 years, make yourself a priority now. You have found a supportive community here who understands the pain of your loss. Wishing you strength, peace and a healthy new year.

This is the first year I am not hosting Christmas Eve for DH's family. We will be joining them at his cousins house instead. Christmas Day will be just the boys and I with my mom and NG will join us for dinner. I make a beef tenderloin roast, easy and delicious!

Not warped at all, you are a woman who knows herself! It sounds like you and NG have a good thing going, enjoy it.

I'm sorry to hear that there wasn't a more significant change and that you have to continue treatment. I hope the New Year brings you some peace and better health, I think you've more than met your limit of life stresses and deserve a break.

I had to dig out our Elf because NG's boys were wondering why we didn't one. Now my 11 year old keeps moving it himself every day. Plenty of fun and magic even after they stop believing.

Fingers crossed and prayers being said for good news.

I also starting dating someone early out and way before I was really ready. He is someone I went to college with my freshman year only(and had a little "thing" with) and turns out we both moved to the same town in the same state and connected after 25 years of losing touch. I was not ready and my kids were really not ready. I kept the relationship a secret for about 6 months which I do not reccomend. He is a great guy and has been so incredibly patient and supportive of my need to integrate him very slowly into my life even though our feelings for each other progressed very quickly. I wish we had reconnected at a different time so things would've been easier but sometimes someone comes into your life at a certain time for a reason. I have learned to never say never and to avoid judging others for their personal choices. Not everyone wants or needs to be in a relationship and not everyone who wants one is lucky enough to find love a second time. I'm still working on letting go of the guilt that I feel by other people's reactions. I know DH would want me to be happy, he told me so when he was sick . I know that loving another man doesn't erase my love for DH or disrespect the 20 years we were married. But when family or friends have a negative reaction I feel like I am doing something to hurt them.

I think at her age going to a party is just going to a party and the significance of who NG may be will be lost on her. It is very different than family dinner on Sundays just the 3 of you. There is no right or wrong, it's what you feel comfortable with. I am also someone who used to come up with rules for myself and I have learned that everything is not so black and white since I became a widow. NG sounds very thoughtful and understanding! I'm glad to hear things are going well.

1. Seeing Helen posting again! (I'm sorry to hear things have been so challenging but I'm glad you're here and looking for some positives) 2. My tree and decorations are looking so pretty and I am really enjoying them this year 3. 2 weeks off from classes

You need to take back your home before your relationship with your daughter is permanently damaged. It doesn't matter if any of us understand why her using your decorations upset you, the fact is that you feel disrespected and your daughter doesn't seem to notice or care. The loss of a spouse leaves us feeling like we have lost control of our lives and our future so when someone interferes with the control we still have it can be very upsetting. Big hugs to you.

It is a very weird situation I think. While NG might be very understanding about your feelings for DH and the love you will always have for him, I think it could be hard to see on FB. I think openly talking about it is the best way to go. Just like you said here, you want to keep him in people's hearts and minds but you also want to be respectful of your new relationship. My NG admitted that it was awkward when I posted a wedding photo on our anniversary but he has no problem of wedding pictures in my house or if I post pictures of DH alone or with the boys on FB. I don't often put anything on FB but going forward I can be respectful about not putting pictures of us embracing or kissing. I think if you talk to NG you can come up with a solution that makes him feel respected and makes you feel like you are respecting the memory of DH too.

Hi Candace, good to see you here. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad.

Last nights party was way too big for my taste, probably 75 people at a house party! We stayed for less than 2 hours. It was an eye opener for new guy. There were literally groups of women pointing and talking about me being there with a date from across the room. He said one would point, the others would all turn their heads, mouths open, then turn back excitedly talking. A woman I know only very superficially grilled him with questions when we got separated for a few minutes. "How is she, really?" "How did you meet?" " how are her boys handling you dating?" And on and on. If you add up all of the conversations I have had with her in the past 10 years it isn't even half of what he endured. As I looked around the huge party I realized that NG was the divorced person and I was the only widow. No single or recoupled people in the crowd. Not a great situation for someone like me who already isn't comfortable in social situations.

I've always been on the shy side and not great in new social situations. I don't know how to make small talk and I have a terrible memory for people's names and well, a terrible memory in general. I hate when I know I have met someone before, can't remember their name or anything about them and they know me by name and who my kids are too. I think I come off as rude or standoffish when the truth is I'm just embarrassed and uncomfortable. DH was very outgoing and had an amazing memory. My entire adult life I relied on him to help me through my social awkwardness. Now he's gone and I have become increasingly isolated. I'm trying to work on this because I miss the social life we had. Last week I went to NGs work holiday party and did ok. Tonight I am bringing him to a party with people I only know casually. There will be a lot of people whose names I should know but won't remember so introductions will be very awkward. NG doesn't understand my issues the way DH did and he thinks I am being rude when I struggle to introduce him. I've tried to explain it to him but he really doesn't understand. Does anyone struggle socially like this? How do you manage without the crutch of the one person who helped you to cope?

Congratulations Jess and Justin, im so happy for you!

That is unbelievable! Most people can't just sit on a problem for 8-12 months, we would ask someone with chest pains to wait that long to see a cardiologist. I hope your daughter continues to be open with you and that other options become available while she still agrees to give counseling a shot.

So Jess, when is the wedding??

Loved Owen Meany!

I haven't felt guilt in regards to betraying DH with my new relationship. I know he would want me to be happy and to keep on living. My guilt was about upsetting my kids in the beginning but thankfully they are coming around now.

I used to set an alarm on my phone to go off at 10:00 every night to remind me to move the damn elf. One stress of the holidays I am happy to put behind me! But then again, it's a little sad too.

Hachi, congratulations on the new job and good luck with your resignation! Hikermom, you are in no way a failure as a mom. Raising kids is hard and not always a joyful experience. They test us, they try our patience, they make us question ourselves. The good parents worry that they are not doing enough. I think as moms we think we have to be selfless and have nothing but loving and beautiful thoughts about every aspect of mothering our sweet little angels. The truth is, when they are little we all can't wait for them to fall asleep at night, as they grow up we do a happy dance when they are invited to a sleep over and we can have a quiet night watching some chick flick in peace and quiet and when they are teens we hold our breath every time they go out and frequently wonder where on earth this obnoxious self centered human being came from. I love my kids and I have moment of joy, fun and pride but the other stuff is just as real. That your job brings you such satisfaction is a great thing, what we all wish for and what we hope our children will some day find.

To be honest I have never understood being married but living separate, why not just be a couple if living together isn't an option? But I guess if there are financial benefits like you stated or for people who want to be married for religious reasons related to sharing a bed ( not your case, but for some) then I guess it can make sense. I think I would still look for a way to compromise. Can he rent out his house so he still has the building for his business?

I'm in CT too. Just sent you pm Ladybug.

I think that in the early months it is very common to feel this way. Raising children alone is difficult, you have to redefine your role as a parent at a time when you are at your weakest. Be patient with yourself, it will come around in time. In the meantime just continue to meet their needs, hug them, cuddle them, say all of the loving things you always said. Even if you you arent feeling it, go through the motions and the day will come when you have the emotional energy again. My kids were older when my husband died, our youngest was 9. I started watched the Tonight Show on the DVR from the night before, in the evenings after dinner with him. We would cuddle on the couch and laugh together and it required no effort from me but made him feel like I was there with him having fun. It helped us until I was ready to be more engaged, otherwise it was all chores and to do lists and my impatience. You are a great Dad but these are extraordinary times. You will find joy again in parenting.

My heart goes out to you Jen. Medication is not a fix all but I know it has helped me to deal with some of the complications of grief and I am grateful for it. Talk therapy has been another big part of my coping strategies. In the past few months I have watched my weight continue to rise and I realize that I still have some unhealthy coping mechanisms and I should probably go back to my therapist. 2 steps forward, one step back.