Trying

You're not whining, you're reaching out. I know you say that you would never harm yourself and I totally understand the feeling of wanting to raise the white flag and just surrender, quit this new life. You have said before that you are on meds for depression, do you think talking to your doctor about trying something different may help? I had to play around with meds for anxiety and insomnia a bit before I found what works best for me, so just a thought. I am still, at 27 months trying to figure out how to stop the stress eating. I know I feel better, have more energy, and my mood improves when I eat healthy yet at the first sign of stress I am mindlessly eating the bad stuff. The emotions take over the logical mind too often.

I'm so sorry that this SIL has made your relationship with your daughter so strained. It sounds like it is time for them to move on and get their own place. Can you give them a deadline so they know you are serious?

I'm not at the combining households stage yet with NG but looking to the future it's something I think about a lot. We are both of working age with kids to support and our income/assets are not equal. I will be consulting with a lawyer when we get to that point so what my husband left for me and my children will be separate to go to them someday. We will then have an "our" account to pay for all household expenses and everything else. My NG is also very proud and this is what makes him comfortable as well. Dealing with finances is always very sensitive and different for everyone. Whatever you decide, do it together so you each feel like you have a say and both of your needs are met. One more thing, why is it still, in this day and age, that it's harder when the woman earns more? I don't have an answer but I think it still is.

This is my third Christmas without Tim. I still miss him every day but I don't feel that acute pain I did the last 2 years. This is the first year I am not hanging up his stocking and the decision feels right. We are in a new house which helps, his stocking never hung from this mantle. I still put out his extensive Santa collection which also feels very right. Tomorrow we will decorate the tree when my son gets home from college and I'm sure some of the ornaments we collected over the years will give me a few twinges of sadness but I'm not dreading it like the past 2 years. For me, moving has been such an important step and I think the timing was very good, just before the 2 year mark. In our old house I felt the need to keep everything the same as it was when he was with us, same traditions, everything in the same place. If I wanted to do something different it felt like a betrayal, if I couldn't do everything he did I grieved more strongly, when we kept everything the same all I could focus on was him missing from the picture. I know many people feel comfort staying in the home they shared with their love but that just wasn't true for me. I still feel overwhelmed by doing it all on my own but I am putting less pressure on myself and setting new standards. Wishing everyone a little peace during this holiday season, may we all give ourselves permission to let the holidays be whatever they are for us, good, bad, or indifferent.

I agree with TooSoon, take a deep breath and slow things down a little with NG. You are still getting over the breakup with ex-BF. Maybe NG is a keeper, maybe he's not, you need time to sort through things as you get to know him better. I think it's natural to want to return to what was easy and comfortable, new relationships can be exciting and fun but they do require a lot work and that can be exhausting.

Safe travels, looking forward to Bagoing with you in the new year!

I feel your pain too, not sick but terrible insomnia last night, only 3 hours of sleep. Luckily my kids are old enough that I don't do much for them in the morning except remind them about who has to do what after school and kiss them good bye then I head off to school as my sons bus pulls down the street. Home at 6:45, and out the door at 7:30 for basketball practice that went until 9:15 (way too late for an 11 year old!) now I'm trying to wind down and hopefully sleep tonight. My sister is coming to visit Saturday morning for the first time at our new house and my house is a disaster! I have 2 Christmas parties tomorrow so I have no idea when I'm going to clean up. Hope everyone is feeling healthier and stronger tomorrow. No rest for the weary solo parent.

Sending hugs as you and your son get through this. It totally stinks and especially with Christmas right around the corner. Hey, at at least it didn't happen right before a beach vacation. Not much consolation, I know. Hopefully you and your MIL can find a way to peacefully coexist.

This will be our 3rd Christmas without DH. The first two I hosted his whole family as I had done for 20 years even though the first was only 3 months after he died. This summer we moved into a smaller home and my sister in law moved into a very large beautiful home they built. I asked her if she would take over her family's holidays and she agreed it was her turn. She did thanksgiving but has pawned off Christmas on a cousin who lives an hour away and only wants to serve appetizers that we all will bring. I have 3 boys who can really eat who are not happy. New Guy was supposed to join us but is on call, SIL is in town but cousin is too far away from his job. Now he will sit home alone. I guess I will take back Christmas next year because this is making no one happy. I'm trying to get in the spirit, I've decorated the house and we will do the tree this weekend when oldest gets home from college. I would say listening to Christmas music is still hard and I can't get myself to send out cards still. Hopefully the new house and some new traditions will help all of us.

I have gone through periods of anger and I find them upsetting because I was never an angry person. Being angry with DH was the hardest, I didn't feel like I could share that with anyone outside of the widda circle. I was terrified I would get stuck being angry and bitter but it has softened with only the occasional flare. Anger is common, give yourself an outlet for it so it doesn't build up and you explode. For me it was screaming the F word loudly and repeatedly in the car. Others punch pillows or break cheap plates against a tree. Whatever works for you, let it out.

Congratulations, what wonderful news! Enjoy each other and all of the little quirks you each bring to the relationship.

I also like the "keep cooking dinner every night until you get it right". I think it's great that they cook! My 17year old throws something I have prepared into the oven before I get home but that's about it. It seems like time is a big issue in your house, you like things on a pretty strict schedule and your daughter is a little looser with time. What if you acknowledge your different approaches to timliness and compromise that you will allow some wiggle room of 5.45-6:15 to be acceptable for dinner on the table?

I'm really sorry that your parents have made it impossible to continue a relationship with them but I think you should be very proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. I severed ties with my father as a teenager and while it was incredibly hard, it was the very best thing for me. We don't get to pick our family but we can choose who we spend our time with.

Way to go! I hope you can relax and let off a little steam now. Me, I'm studying for a pathology exam, or avoiding studying by coming here.

I'm glad DD is feeling better and that you were able to get out and enjoy yourself!

What is it about grocery shopping, I absolutely dread it since DH died. I'm not cooking for one but I can imagine if I didn't have to feed my kids there would be a lot more eggs or cereal for dinner. I try on the weekend to make a big batch of something that we can have left overs and I can freeze some for a later date. Sauce and meatball, lots of soups or chili. This weekend NG made a huge pot of turkey soup while I was doing college visits yesterday with my son. I could practically cry when someone does the cooking for me, it's the biggest treat.

Maureen, I can procrastinate with the best of them so I get it. But one more exam and then you get a nice long break so get to it! Make a nice cup of tea, make sure the house is cool and sit your butt in front of those books my friend. You can do it!

It is so hard to see our kids struggle with anything, haven't they had enough to deal losing a parent so young? The positive thing here is that you are not letting her use it as an excuse and you are right on top of getting her the help she needs. She is learning from a very young age how to work hard and how to work around her difficulties. Some of the brightest, most successful people have learning disabilities. Continue with your efforts, keep reminding her of all of the things that come easy to her and praise her strengths. Then give yourself credit for being a great mom, you are giving your daughter the tools she needs for a lifetime of success.

What a horrible thing to say someone! I would just reassure new girl that this other woman is an idiot. A widow is not supposed to wear black and remain alone and lonely for the rest of her life. You fulfilled your wedding vows, "till death do us part" is part of our vows (in the U.S. at least.). You have done and continue to do the hard work of grieving but you are choosing to live and there is nothing wrong in that. Dating a widow is tough and new girl is very young which often means more insecurity. Gentle reassurance and time will help.

Rob, I'm not sure I could've left the house with a pile of dirty dishes on the counter, that's the kind of thing that pushes me from nagging to yelling. Not exactly L&L I guess. As far as the shower goes, I think the consequence of using your shower may end up more of a consequence for you. The froo froo will start to migrate, as well as any mess into your space. How about she is not allowed to shower until after her sister and if she's not finished by a certain time the hot water gets turned off. Not sure if this is fitting with the strategies but I feel like behaviors shouldn't be allowed to impact other people in the house. What would be a strategy for dealing with my son's disgustingly messy bedroom? His answer is always "it's my room, just close the door and don't look at it". He is 17.

I am so sorry to hear about your son, poor little guy! I find when these emergency type things happen I am good in the moment but I really miss having DH here to fall apart with behind closed doors. When we are doing it solo we have no safe place (except here) to put down our brave front. The good news is that his pain will subside and he will figure out all kinds of ways to adapt until the cast comes off because kids are amazing that way! Big hugs to you both.

It's a big decision Hachi with so much to consider. We spend the majority of our time at work so a big part of me thinks we should get some satisfaction and enjoyment from it. Then there is the practical side of me that needs stability. I'm making a switch for more satisfaction and less stability but I have the safety net of knowing I can always return to my old profession not its not really a huge long term risk. Good luck with your interview and your decision!

Big hugs to you on yourbirthday. All of the "firsts" are so difficult. I hope your sweet memories of your husband give you some comfort today.

I haven't been scrutinized that way but have thought about it. I was to,d by my accountant that you divide all expenses by the number of people in the home to get what you spend on each child. If no mortgage you still pay taxes on your home. Electric, heat, cable, phone, cell phone, groceries, clothes, school supplies, car payment, gas, sports and hobbies, healthcare costs including what you contribute for insurance, all of it. What a pain in the neck to gather all of that! Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I'm in! My older 2 will be exiting their teen years as my youngest enters. any advice and support is greatly appreciated!