Trying

I'm with Linda, the invites don't roll in anymore and at this point I'm still not great at planning things myself. Sometimes the social things I'm dreading the most end up going pretty well if I force myself to go. Jt I usually have an exit strategy so I don't get trapped anywhere.

I hope you all enjoy your trip and that your 16 year old's anxiety stays in check so she can have fun. As for FB, there will always be ignorant people, I wish I was still one of them! But wouldn't it feel great to respond with a little reality check just one time.

That was a tough episode, and to watch and on your sadiversary, oh man! Hugs to you Beyondlife.

(((Dark rose))) having to go through the motions and pretend everything is fine gets exhausting. I did a lot of screaming and cursing in my car and said all of the things I wished I could say to the well meaning people who asked "how are you really?" Keep letting it out, I hear you.

It's just over 2 years and I have still not crossed the imaginary line down the middle of the bed to his side.

I love your deliberate pursuit of happiness. I feel very strongly that I have to focus my intention on creating a life that I want to live. I am early in my journey of taking responsibility for my own happiness and it's not always easy but I am having some success and that motivates me to keep moving. The first year and a half I don't think it was really possible for me but as the fog lifted I realized that I had to make a choice. Stay angry for the cards I had been dealt, live in the past, miss out on being present in the lives of my children and in my own life or choose happiness. Happiness doesn't fall in our laps we have to go out and find it. I have moved, gone back to school, focused on my physical and spiritual health, and am working on my relationships with family, friends and boyfriend. I'm not there yet but I am content most of the time, happy some of the time and sad occasionally. This is definitely something that couldnt happen when I was actively grieving or when I was dealing with some really tough parenting issues so I wouldn't want anyone who isn't at this point to think that there's something wrong if they are still focused on survival. We all have our own timeline and issues that complicate our grief. Thanks for the inspiration Captains Wife, this past week has been a little harder for me but you are reminding me that I am worth the effort. Wishing you the best.

Thanks for the laugh!

It's nice to hear from you Mr C. I'm sorry to hear that it's been such a tough year but it sounds like you are making some positive steps. I am sure that you daughter leaving for school was a big factor, I worry about when son #2 leaves next fall and it's only me and my youngest left in the house. My older boys bring a certain energy into the house that is similar to DHs energy while my youngest is more like me. We have been to Universal twice since we lost DH, we had to go back because my oldest wasn't with us the first time and he was the one who I read every book with the day it came out! It was a great family trip. I hope the new job gives you a feeling a purpose and confidence and maybe more interaction with people so you feel less isolated. All the best to you

We can plug through our days, and time passes, then something like a sadiversary or other trigger makes us stop and really look at all our spouse has missed, all that our kids have missed out on, all that we once had and it all seems too impossible. Sending you big hugs.

Finding someone who respects your grief and is willing to bear witness to it, be a respite from it, and be a part of your present, is a beautiful thing.

Sending you virtual hugs. I agree also that you shouldn't make any decisions until you pass the sadiversary and can focus more on your current relationship, those dates can bring so much emotional turmoil.

I hope you can find some small (if not big) ways to make yourself a priority. We can't keep giving and doing for others when our tank is empty. You have so much to deal with and obviously you have such a huge and giving heart but everyone has their limits. Wishing you some peace.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have such respect for your perspective on hope and your heartfelt gratitude for the positive people in your life.

I am so sorry for your loss. I remember that feeling of relief that he was no longer suffering. Now it's time to take care of you.

Deb I just wanted to tell you that your post brings me right back to those early months, really to the first year and a half. Grieving is exhausting and having to keep going through the motions of life, working, raising kids, paying bills, maintaining a house all alone when you already are beaten down, feels near impossible. Some practical advice, for what it's worth, is to figure out what things you can afford to pay someone else to do, do it! Lawn care or house cleaning, handyman. Grocery delivery service. Just some ideas. The other is ask for help. I still have a very hard time with this but if you have family or friends who have offered in the past, call them up and tell them what you need help with. When I had no energy to be a fun or engaged mom, I found a funny TV show that my youngest son and I could watch on the couch together, snuggle and laugh (for us, I put Jimmy Fallon on the DVR every night). It was our time to connect in a small way every night after dinner and all I could manage for a while. You may not believe this now but it does get better. You will get more energy, you will learn to manage things that had been your husbands responsibilities, you will give your kids more responsibilities, you will change your standards on what has to be done and let go of some things. You will still have days that are overwhelming and everything sucks but it won't be all day and every day. You will realize that you do need time for yourself. A 15 minute walk, a soak in the tub, get a manicure, an exercise class or an art class. Something just for you. You need to recharge in even small little ways. I remember feeling like you that I would never get 5 minutes to myself again and that I wouldn't even know what to do if I did. Most of all, be kind to yourself. You are not a bitch or a mean mom, you are a grieving widow trying to do the job of 2 people while at your lowest point. You are human, not superhuman.

I was pretty numb and just going through the motions for quite a while. Feelings related to my grief were intense and emotions about anything else were muted. That seems to be changing and simple things like appreciating the beauty of this fall season in New England are deeper and more genuine. I still find myself to be a bit numb to tragedies that don't affect me or those I care about.

Me too, and not a big fan of waking up alone either.

Those feelings can be so overwhelming. I talked to my husband a lot in those early months and still do. Most people would think I'm crazy if they listened in on my one sided conversations but they help me. Big hugs to you, it does get easier but it's almost impossible to believe that from where you are now.

I think it's important to know the statistics so you work extra hard not to become one. I am all about learning from other people's successes and mistakes, that's why I come to all of you for advice. I think a blended family doesn't work without a lot of forethought, cooperation, and a united front. For me, that means thoughtful planning and lots of discussion. I know I can't plan for and predict every pitfall or prevent our children from going through an adjustment period but overthinking is what I do.

I just wanted to add that as soon as I made the decision to move I suddenly was able to make decisions about my career and went back to school to work towards that change within weeks of moving. For me, committing to the first decision made others easier and more clear.

As always you are all a great sounding board and very open in sharing your own experiences. I do need, at some point to just leap. It's never going to be easy or the perfect time and right now, what I'm doing, is certainly not easy either. I think I need to start talking to the kids about the direction I see this relationship going. I have such a hard time talking to them about what I want or need after 19 years of mothering and putting my needs on the back burner. I have to find that balance between taking care of them and taking care of myself and stop second guessing everything. What I really want right now is my old life back with DH when everything was easier.

Sold it and only moved across town but it was the best decision for me and my kids. That life no longer exists. Our memories came with us, that's all we need.

Rob, sometimes I am surprised he sticks around too, and I've asked him why. We are just at the point where everyone is polite and able to share a meal. Oldest who had been so difficult is doing better, can watch a football game on TV with NG and banter, middle son still doesn't really have a conversation with him but is polite and likes his kids. That's part of the issue though, if he moves in he comes with 2 little kids 50% of the time. That's a major change in the dynamics of the house. The TV shows, video games, humor and conversations would all have to change. It feels so selfish to put my needs first but at the same time feels so unfair to NG to make him wait. I hesitate to talk about this stuff here because I know I am very lucky to have found love again but no one in my real life understands the complexities. My divorced friends only have their kids half the time and the kids get pissed, they spend more time with the other parent. My kids have no escape option.

He really is a keeper and I'm not having to deal with long distance, I do count my blessings, most of the time, except when I get lonely. Serpico, I am struggling like you. Eventually my kids will have to get on board, or not. NG deserves more of me, I deserve more too. It's more about giving them time to adjust and maybe I tend to be more conservative than I should about these things. My older two are coming around and things are much calmer and more positive lately but I would like to see the stability over a longer stretch of time before I breath easy. My youngest is the most adaptable and even keeled but his life will be impacted the most because he is only 11 and NGs kids are 5 & 7 so they will live like brothers while the older 2 are off at college. I'm torn between this feeling of urgency because I know how precious every minute is with someone you love and wanting to give my children as much time as they need because their world has been torn apart once already. And Serpico, I'm so glad to hear things are going so well with your girlfriend!

This is what NG said to me last night when I was whining that I'm tired of being alone. I am very grateful that I have found love again and with someone who is patient and kind and understanding of my unique situation. I feel guilty that I'm having a pity party of sorts because things really have been going pretty well in most areas of my life lately. I've made some positive life changes and my grief has settled into a more comfortable part of my being rather than controlling every minute of my day. I will never stop missing DH, I will never stop hating that he isn't here for our kids to share in the good and difficult moments. I just don't want to be alone any more. I can't have DH back and I have this wonderful guy right in front of me. Why should I have to be alone anymore? The obvious answer is that my kids need more time and as a mom, they come first. For those who have made the big step to cohabitate or remarry, how did you know when the time was right to make the big leap? What steps do you think helped to get you and your family ready? What was the most helpful thing you did? What mistakes might you have made? Is there anything you wish you did differently?