Trying

I love pretty PJs, not exactly sexy, but pretty and comfy. I put weight on after DH died so haven't spent much on sexy anything. I'm losing weight now and see a big shopping trip in my future when I reach my goal! For now I'm enjoying shopping in my closet, finding things that haven't fit for almost 2 years.

I can't imagine not talking about him. He was there by my side for my entire adult life, I have no past without him. Plus there're so many damn funny stories about him that need to be told and retold.

I dont think there is anything wrong with going out to dinner, enjoying the company of a man, maybe flirt a little and get in touch with that part of yourself. It doesn't have to lead to anything physical unless you decide you want it to. I've never done FWB but flirting and fantasizing about someone can give you that alive feeling and open you up to future possibilities.

Because I moved and moved to a smaller house, I was forced to purge in a short amount of time starting around 20 months after I lost my DH. I found once I started it got easier and easier. Certain things I realized I had no emotional attachment to, other things felt great to get rid of, something's brought back bittersweet memories and tears, and somethings I saved that I really didn't need to because one of my boys might someday want them. Being in a new house, with so much less of "his stuff" I realize that the memories aren't really tied to the objects, the memories are a part of me and always will be. Instead now I feel like an anchor has been lifted because I am no longer weighed down by things that don't really serve a purpose. My suggestion is start with donating the things that are easiest to part with, move some furniture around, buy something new that she wouldn't necessarily have liked. See how that feels and I think it will get easier as you go. There will be tears, but nothing more than you have survived already.

Sending you big hugs, it is painful for me to look back to those early months through your words and remember the depth of pain, the fear, the loneliness. I am approaching 2 years and never would've believed that it would ever be less awful than it is in the beginning. Everything you are describing feeling is normal in this awful situation. And even though your friends and family really can't understand, it's good that they are there. When you know what you need, tell them. When you can't even put words to how you feel or what you need, just ask them to be with you. One breath at a time, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time until the ground starts to feel solid under your feet again.

Building my running up gradually, so many damn hills around here! 2 miles plus my 7 min workout today, yesterday was kayaking for an hour and a half. Maintained my weight this weekend with a few cookouts and some alcohol.

Congratulations, the pictures are beautiful!

I completely understand the holding back and the excitement of getting it out there in open. It's a big relief to be honest and let the chips fall where they may.

It's heartbreaking to hear that from your child! Just stay open and hopeful, teenagers can do a complete turn around before we can catch our breath. I hope that this is the case for your son and this difficult transition passes quickly. All of my positive thoughts are pointed in your direction.

After an afternoon and evening with new guy and his boys (and 2 of my boys), I am sitting watching an inappropriate movie with 17 year olds son and his friend. Mom of the year! Lol

Mawidow, as usual you know how to hit the nail on the head. I am working deliberately at moving forward but in no way do I want to erase my past or DH. I am fortunate that because of my kids, my inlaws and our old friends that he is most often still apart of my present. But now that I am venturing out and meeting new people I need to find a comfortable balance between my past and my present. I'm not a big "sharer" but with new people I have this need for them to know about DH and my story.

Overthinking this as I do with everything! I am very happy about the present(mostly) but it's still so important to me that people know about DH. I would love to be more like you Maureen, I'm just awkward in general meeting new people and this makes it worse. I like the idea of framing my situation the way I want it to be seen. I think that's what I tried to do but did not do it very gracefully.

My new house is in a neighborhood association on a lake. Last night was the first "family " event and I invited new guy and his kids. I haven't met too many neighbors yet so it was great and my youngest got to hang out with a lot of kids close to his age. New guys kids are little and had a ball. Here was my issue, small issue. Introducing new guy to these new people who don't know my situation. I felt the need to tell one woman I was chatting with for a while about DH and how I came to be where I am with new, smaller house in same town and a new guy at my side. It was really nice to introduce him to people who didn't know DH because DH was a bigger than life kinda guy and its a lot to step into. So for his his sake it was easy and nice. But there was this part of me that wants my 20 year marriage and my loss known. My kids don't have a dead beat Dad, they have a dead dad. I want to move forward, I love integrating new guy and his kids more in our lives but there is this pull to let people know I was married to a wonderful man who I would still be with if he didn't die. He would be running and organizing these social events if he was here. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, I know I should just enjoy the moment.

I get bothered by "survivor" talk and promotional things that talk about peop,e beating cancer because they are strong or have a big prayer circle or tremendous faith or whatever. DH had all of that and more and didn't beat it. Not rational or compassionate of me to feel that way. If DH had survived, I would be saying the same things I'm sure. I think your feelings are valid. I think her T shirt is inappropriate for work. I think she probably has someone in her life affected by breast cancer, or maybe she herself, and she is viewing it from her perspective. Sometimes we have to suck up what makes us uncomfortable, it really is awful when you have those triggers and you can't escape them.

You know I get it, it is so hard to see them struggling and not be able to make it all better. The fact that he's sharing with you that he's having a tough time is a good sign that he is keeping communication open. It totally sucks to be worried and not have your coparent by your side feeling it and dealing with it right along with you. Your son will most likely be just fine, he will settle in and find his way. If he needs a soft place to land, you will be there for him. I just dropped mine off 2 weeks ago for his second try and I'm trying not to obsess and call him constantly. pm me anytime, I know how hard this is to do alone.

Lots of good suggestions here. Kid friendly meals, simple crafts, DVDs. My youngest was 9 and he got absorbed in making those rubber bracelets, his teenage brothers even got into it. It was mindless and repetitive.

I think only lcoxwell knows the tone of his request and we are all adding our own bias to our responses, which is how we approach all responses basically. In my very humble opinion, I think that everyone has insecurities, especially in a new and growing relationship. As a partner we need to be sensitive to these insecurities, respond kindly, reflect if our own behavior is contributing to our partners insecurities, modify behavior as needed, provide reassurance, and compromise only when it is not at a detrimental cost to ourselves. You left your home, job, and possessions to be with new guy, which to an outsider, indicates you are not holding onto your past. If you want to hold onto relationships here that ground you and support you I think that's healthy. We only know what you have shared with us about new guy, which has been all positive. I don't think we should assume he didn't offer physical help with the move, I didn't allow my new guy to help too much with my purging and packing but I have asked him for help getting things done around the new place. He would've helped me all along the way if I let him. Lots of opinions here to consider but I think everyone really just wants you to be happy and healthy.

I did the ab challange a while ago, it's good on those busy days to know you can still squeeze something in. I'm trying to be a little more disciplined with my fitness.

Just put a 7 minute workout app on my iPad this morning so if I don't have time for a real workout I can at least do that. Who doesn't have 7 minutes, right?

(((BH2)))

One good friend is better than 10 crappy friends any day, I'm glad your friend remembered and knew what you needed. Big hugs to you as you honor Joe today.

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Exactly Maureen! It's all so simple yet we make everything so much more difficult.

As part of this course I am taking in integrative medicine we are learning about mindfulness and meditation. So much of it I'm finding useful personally not just professionally. I thought I'd share something simple that gave me a big "Ah ha!" moment. "What we practice, gets stronger" If I am constantly stressed and pessimistic, my ability to be stressed and pessimistic gets stronger. If I practice relaxation techniques, being present and in the moment, my ability to relax and stay present will get stronger. So simple but I really needed to hear that.

I agree that trust takes time to earn back. It sounds like he is doing just that, those triggers will lessen. I am so happy to hear you both worked through such a tough time and didn't quit without trying. When you are in a good, happy, snuggling kind of moment I would take the time to acknowledge how happy you are with your relationship now, give him specific examples of the things he does that make you feel loved and respected. Then you can admit that you still struggle sometimes with the past hurt and may jump to anger or defensiveness because of those old feelings. I find its best to have these conversations away from any conflict and some positive reinforcement for the changes he has made is good reinforcement.