Trying

Big hugs to you Jess. Anniversaries are so tough, all of the good memories and all of the dreams cut short. I hope today is a little easier.

kjs, even just 6 months earlier she probably would have been assaulted with an angry, crying, tirade from me! Now, I look at people who appear to have perfect lives and think, lord help her if tragedy strikes, spoiled bitch. Lol

This one was luckily at close to 2 years so I was a little tougher. Meeting a new neighbor after we moved this summer, an absolutely gorgeous Brazillian woman, with an equally gorgeous husband and young daughter, dripping in expensive jewelry and designer clothes (there are lakefront houses in my neighborhood that are quite a bit more expensive than ones like mine off the water). We were doing the exchange of facts and when she asked about what my husband does for a living, I matter of factly stated that he passed away. She literally held her hand up in front of my face, told me to stop speaking of such things because she doesn't like to hear about anything sad. Well, I haven't exactly invited her over for tea since then.

Meg, as the others have said, I'm so glad you found us but so sorry you needed to. You can share anything here and read as much as you want so that you know you're not alone. It does usually get harder before it gets easier. For now, it's one day, one hour at a time. Try your best to take care of yourself, getting medication to help with the panic is a big step in the right direction.

Yikes! Glad you're ok. Obviously there's a reason you were with ex for so long, he's a decent guy. That doesn't make him the right guy for you though, I hope his responsiveness doesn't set you back.

Congratulations and thanks for sharing your wonderful news!

I'm with you Virgo, just plugging through what has to get done. I need to get my motivation back! This weekend: Buy basketball sneakers for youngest Buy birthday present for NG Finish putting away outdoor summer stuff Pick out gas fireplace and schedule installation

Good for you that recognized you don't have to keep an unhealthy relationship going just because of DNA. It sucks, I stopped talking to my Dad when I was 15, there was nothing positive in the relationship and way too much negative cost to me. I'm glad you have your sister, keep surrounding yourself with positive people!

My children's grief has been the hardest part because I can't fix it. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful, heartbreaking moment.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend, Sounds like it was very serious. Hopefully from this terrible situation his wife will have the wake up call he needs and your friend will put his health as a priority. Of course you are freaked out! The best way I find to take control of fear is to take action. I know you cook for your friend and his family a lot. How about going on line or to the library and educating yourself on diabetic diet recommendations? You can shop and cook in a way that will support his health and it will be healthier for all of you. I hope he gets it under control quickly. Hang in!

At one point, early on, NG said he couldn't believe I didn't cry the first time we had sex. Poor guy felt a tremendous responsibility being the first new person I was with in 25 years! I have cried on him a few times but not during sex.

Big hugs Maureen! There are those days when it's so hard to wrap your head and heart around it all.

My biggest issue with my new love is the lack of time we have to be together. When we are together, everything is great and I have no doubts. When we don't see each other for a while, we tend to have stupid misunderstandings and I start second guessing. Once I start with worrying if it's really smart to be in a relationship or if I really feel what I think I feel, my mind can get away from me. We had a few days like that this week then he surprised me and showed up at my sons football game last night, as soon as I saw him everything was back in balance.

It's funny, I tend to listen to talk radio a lot now, it's good company with all of the time I spend driving. When I do listen to music in the car I usually put on the country station. I never listened to country before DH died so there are never any trigger songs.

disappearing without an explanation just sucks, I'm sorry it didn't work out better.

Your friend sounds clinically depressed and in need of serious help. That is an incredibly difficult and confusing thing to watch, especially with how ingrained you are in each other's lives. As far as your anger, I can relate. My best friend who became an alcoholic after becoming a widow 10 years ago, had incredible support from family and friends, a job, beautiful kids, a house, her health. I became very angry with her after I became a widow. I also felt like I didn't have the "luxury" to fall apart the way she did. Now, logically, I know that alcoholism is a disease, like depression. She didn't choose this, neither did your friend choose depression/PTSD. We can encourage them to get help but can't force them. The bottom line is, neither of us would ever want to be in the world of pain and despair our friends have experienced and we know that any attention they get for their unhealthy behavior is not helpful. Vent away here, I won't judge you for being honest. You are a good person and I know you will go back to supporting your friend and his family.

What a proud moment, congratulations to you and to your son!

BH2, I don't know why someone would do that to you, of course you are saddened. Emotional releases are very common with massage, it has happened to me and it's been just as helpful, to me, at certain times as my psychologist. Jen, maybe start with just a manicure and work yourself up to a massage. Cost is a deterrent for coming to rely on it for a fix I think. I have been fortunate to have gotten several gift certificates for massage including one recently from the realtor who sold my house. Now I get them at school! The best part about giving a massage is that it becomes all about the person on the table and not about me. Getting out of my own head is a beautiful thing.

Like you, I can be very understanding but we all have that point when we need to feel valued in a friendship. Maybe she doesn't realize how you feel when she stands you up (or leaves you stranded!). It's like people who are chronically late and think it's cute or quirky. They have never been the one sitting awkwardly in the restaurant for a half hour, alone and waiting, so they have no idea how it makes the other person feel. And, if she's "getting back at you" she is not the kind of friend you want.

This is why I come to all of you here, I love all of the different perspectives and the reminder that we may all be widows but we are still unique individuals. I think I have something wonderful to offer people like me who benefit from touch and would never presume that it is right for everyone. I don't like the ick factor of cold calling on new widows like the financial advisors and real estate agents who send out mailers based on the obituary page. I'm passionate about helping people which is why I became a PT and why I'm persuing this new career path. Self care is important in whatever way works for each person. Massage, exercise, meditation, prayer, hiking, gardening, knitting, petting an animal, we are all different, but we all need to do something to fill the well. My wish for each of you is that you tap into something that takes care of you. I promise I will not force myself on any of you non touchy feely types! Lol. But when I have to get my clinic hours in I would happily take volunteers from anyone in the CT area.

I am so very sorry for your loss but I am glad you have found us. This group and the one that came before it have been a lifesaver for me in the last 2 years. It's a place to vent, to honestly share your emotions and struggles, to feel less alone and sometimes less crazy for the things you think and feel. We support each other, encourage each other and learn from each other. You have a tough road ahead of you as you deal with your grief and being a solo parent but I can tell you that time will be your friend. Be sure to take care of yourself so that you can continue to be a wonderful mom, don't be afraid to ask for help from those who care about you, they may not know what to offer without you asking. My heart goes out to you and your little girl.

I'm glad you had the weekend away! But coming home, and back to reality is always tough. Big belated birthday hugs to you.

I brought this up in response to another post but wanted to talk about it a little more and get some opinions. Especially in my first year, but even still now, I craved human touch. Anyone who was willing to give me a real hug, my kids snuggling with me on the couch, a pedicure or a massage. I needed that contact to feel connected to the world, to feel comforted and to feel like someone cared about me. Even if I was paying for a massage, for that one hour it was all about someone wanting to make me feel better. My therapist was great for listening to me, but that human touch was almost equally important to me. I've gone back to school for massage therapy and integrative medicine because I want to take my physical therapy career in a new direction. I have an obvious desire to work with oncology patients and people with chronic disease based on my experiences with my father and DH during cancer treatment and hospice. My son has a rare chronic disease and while he is doing very well, many other people I have gotten to know are not. There is pain associated with it but also stress and isolation and that lack of physical contact. Then I think about widows. I would love to find a way to provide this service to people who are grieving, make it affordable and accessible, and get the word out about the benefits of massage and touch. My dilemma is how would I do this without it looking like a marketing ploy, or taking advantage of people at their most vulnerable? I plan on doing some research in this area but figured I have a great resource in all of you. Do you crave touch? Have you used massage for grief or stress reduction? Have you ever scheduled a manicure or pedicure just to feel pampered? If you feel that massage is beneficial, what is the biggest obstacle for your getting one? What would your reaction be if you received card from a massage therapist describing the benefits of massage when grieving? Would a discount be an incentive to give it a try? Please be honest with your feedback and know that my intention is help others with something I have found helpful and not to capitalize on the vulnerability of others. If you have never had a massage I strongly suggest it! If you have a massage therapy school near you, you can get one pretty cheaply from students in clinic.

Not a whiner at all! When you've been the center of someone's world and then suddenly you are not, it's those special days and special moments that really sting. Why is it that other people in Our lives can't recognize that and step up to the plate? Even if others made a fuss, you would still miss your DH but it would ease the sting. Next year maybe plan something special for yourself, a mani/pedi or a massage. I have found that human touch (even if I am paying for it with a massage) helps me with that feeling that no one is there to take care of me.

Don't get discouraged! You got some adult time out, had some fun, got back in touch with that side of yourself that you put on a shelf for a few years, all Positive! No one likes to feel like they are being rejected, it stings, but you are testing the waters and taking chances. Remember how nice it felt to take some time for yourself, you deserve that.