Wife of Tomasz

Hi CandiceS, I am so sorry for your loss. This particular topic I could write a novel about. It has been just over 2 years for me and I still don't really know the right answer for this question. Tom also died by accidental overdose. At the beginning his family wanted to keep the reason private, because of worry that he would be judged, and that the tragedy of his loss would be dismissed because of the way it happened. I also felt that way, but I am an open kind of person who is not good at lying. I did tell the people closest to me. A lot of them think that I should be angry at him for it. I have never been angry at him for the way he passed. It was a miscalculation on his part, a mistake that coast him the ultimate price. Why would I further that by being angry at him, he is a victim of this whole thing too. Also what good would it do me to be angry at a dead person, from whom I will never get my answers. But I feel like the people that say that I should be angry at him just need something to blame. They do not have to be me, so they never really analyze the situation, because they are not as invested in it as I am. At first it was easy not to tell people because we did not get the autopsy report until 9 month later, so we really did not know. After that, I would tell anyone who asked, that it was a hard topic for me. Or that I have PTSD from the event and that I have not read the report as it brings on anxiety attacks (which is all true). After that most people will apologize and not ask again for a while. But here is the thing. I find that the longer this subject hangs in the air, the more curious people become. The more vague I am about it the more they think its some big secret and therefor want to know even more. For them its just something to put a label and stamp on, something to gossip about and judge, a loose end to a sad story. For me its a ripping, gut-wrenching pain that never goes away, the end of my world, the lose of my soulmate. Recently I have even had some people bully the answer out of me. The other thing is that by not tell people it looks like I am ashamed of it, which I AM NOT. It was an accident, like any other accident. True he put himself in harms way and therefor increased his chances, but so do many other people in many ways who never get the worse case scenario. I hope one day I can be just matter of fact about it, without worry of judgment, but I am not there yet. Sorry that my reply does not have any answers. Its just how it has been for me so far. Pls try and not give the opinionated people any thought. It is your lose and the way it happened does not make it anything less then awful. Feel free to PM me if you like. hugs

Fuck my father for saying that I need to try to meet new people so that I don't get "stuck" in my grief, And all this as the 2 year mark is a week away. Fuck my whole family for minimizing my pain, and acting like his death is no big deal. Fuck them for not loving him. Fuck all the people around me that are having babies and don't understand why I am not there for them. Fuck this life without the love of my life. Just FUCK!

This is not the same but similar. We did not get a chance to have kids. Now I am terrified of being left alone with a baby, or small child. Can't be responsible for another living being. When a child is asleep near me I obsessively check that they are breathing, it is so terrifying and such an absurd reaction but I cant help it.

I remember reading about this early on in this journey and thinking that it would be something I wanted to try. But of course with widow brain forgot all about it. Thanks for the reminder.

Hi, I spread ashes before. Took them on the plain too. I was going from Canada to Europe so maybe different if you are flying from USA or other places as boarder control may be different. I looked it up online and you can contact the airport to tell you too. They have protocol for things like this. I also took a death certificate with me just in case. I know that if you want to intern ashes in another country you need a certificate for it. So I was not planning on telling anyone that I was going to spread them. The container could not be metal, had to be something like cardboard or thing wood. I put a zip-lock bag in a cardboard container. Was really worried about going through the scanner stuff, but no one even asked. (Once again could have been because of where I was flying to and from). For me the hardest part was separating the ashes and spreading them. It was a lot harder to let go of them then I thought it would be. I did not take that much with me and did not even spread all of it. Anyways that's my experience, hope it helps. be gentle with yourself.

I went to one a month after, was still in complete shock so I think that really helped me. It was a small group of close friends so that was good and nobody expected me to be ok. The hard part of that one was it was a destination wedding and we where looking forward to going together. The one I am terrified of now is my BIL's wedding witch is this weekend. Don't know how I will make it through this one. Its been eating at me for some time now and it gets worse the closer the day comes. I keep telling myself I have survived for 2 years now I will survive this too. Hugs

Anxiety has been a very big one for me with loss, I have been taking lemon balm, or Melissa for it. It does not stop it, but it does take the edge off.

Hi Hikermom, I am only at 2years out, but I so resonate with the loss of grief statement.

Thanks Beth, my MIL said the same thing. just birthday.

I hear you Beth. We are all in this shit storm together. hugs

It is now such a shitty time for me. My birthday is the 15, so we always spent the two days together. Some of the best memories I have. So I showed up to work after lunch. Haven't done laundry in a month, hand washing undies in the bathroom sink is getting old. Was the last to leave work, and realized that I forgot my key to lock up, so had to make a trip home and back to work. Spent the rest of the night medicating with booze. On the up side I shaved my armpits for the first time in about 3 month.

sorry I miss spelled your name. You can see my widow brain kicking in.

hello Julia, I am so so sorry that you had to join us here. You will find people here that truly understand and have gone through a lot of the same feelings. It has been a life line for me, even though I don't post often. I am also widowed by sudden death. I remember the early shock and disbelief. Your body is in fight or flight mode and nothing makes sense. Everything feels like a dream, and everyday is filled with a fog. Be gentle with yourself. At this point you are in shock, and this can last for a few month. It takes a long time to process what has happened to us and even longer to adjust. I am more then a year out and I still have times when I feel like I am waiting for him to come home. I think that you don't need to do anything at this point but breath. As you will hear many here say. Take it one day, one hour, one min at a time. I will say that I saw my husband die, I called 911, and still it did not make it any more real for me in those early days. However it did give me a lot of PTSD. Those images I cant get out of my head and they cause me enormous pain. Therefor I don't know if exposing yourself to the detail of the accident would be more harmful at this point. Once again be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself and your little girl, the rest will come with time. big hug

Yeah, I hate people sometimes. Beth so sorry that you have such an insensitive manager. I have been fortunate with my job, because most other places would have fired me for how I was after it happened and still to some extent today. I went in to talk to head of HR the other week, and she was saying how she heard that it does not get better, but something that you carry with you for life. I was really impressed with her as most people take the approach that your manager has. I think this HR lady had some sort of training for bereavement in the workplace, which I think all places should have (but I know will never happen). For me a few month after my loss my aunt asked me what was wrong with me.(Im still speechless about that one) and around the same time my own mother asked why I sounded so sad. ???? I have no words for it. I dont know how people can be so removed as to even make such statement. But from my own mother was very hard. The people that should be the most supportive, have in fact been the worst. As if we need anymore shit than what we are already dealing with.

Hi Jeudi, thank you for sharing your story. Its always nice to hear from people further out.

Hi Beth, I hear you, and for the most part feel the same way. I was quite vocal at the beginning to tell everyone that no one is aloud to tell me how I should grieve. It does not stop them completely, but I think it has cut it down quite a bit. Usually the people that have an opinion about it have never had any similar experience and their opinions come from an ignorant place. Unfortunate most people will go though some sort of loss in their lifetime and one day those people will understand. I have no kids, no pets either. I feel like I don't have a reason to live. The thing that keeps me going is the thought that I cant put my parents through this pain. If I cant do it how are they supposed to. So I exist for their sake. I am a year and 3 month out. I remember earlier I had many days when I thought I cant do this for one more minute, but I don't get that feeling as often now. hugs to you. I truly hope that it will get easier for all of us.

Hi Beth, your post brings back memories. I was just like you last year. I could not imagine how it could be that he would never know 2016. It was very hard. I felt like I was leaving him behind in 2015. For me 2016 passed by as in a dream, its as if it did not happen at all. Tonight I came into work as to distract myself from the inevitable. But honestly 2017 does not scare me as 2016 did. This year does not have that same power over me. I cant say that I look forward to it but I am resigned to let what may come. Hang in there. What I kept telling myself was that its just a number. Wishing you some peace.

Hello everyone, I don't post often but an always lurking. Up until now I have never had the feeling of going backwards. I mean I have bad days and worse days, but more or less on an incline forward. The last few weeks have been different though. The fog is back with a vengeance. The anxiety is constant, and my chest hurts again. I am not functioning at work and am back to drinking to get me through the night. Its like I am back to the 7 month mark. Now I understand what widow(er)s mean when they say its like I am back to the beginning. I think its the holiday anticipation that is kicking my ass. Last year I was 3 month out for Christmas, still in shock and in basic survival mode. This year I am aware of what is happening and it is so much worse. I just want everything to go away. The holiday music the parties and get together, all of it, I just want it all to go away. How can I possibly do this without him? Thanks for listening. I just wanted to let it out where people will understand. I just need a hug today.

Hello CH. I am soo sorry that you had to join our community, but I know that you will find much support here. I know I have. I am a year and 1 day out from the worst day of my life. Like for you it was a nightmare I still cant make much sense of. One min he was here and the next gone. I relive that night over and over. Like you I feel that I am responsible for his end. I was the only one with him that night. He took something. I knew something was not right, but I did nothing until it was too late. By the time I called the ambulance it was too late, he was gone. I must be the dumbest person in the world. I still cant talk about it. And it all feels like a plot from a really bad movie, surely things like this don't happen in real life. I am sharing this with you because I understand what its like to blame yourself for the death of your person. In truth I have found that most in this community blames themselves to one extent or another. Even people who's partners died from unpreventable illness. Its part of this grief experience. What I have come to see in this last year is that we are not meant to know the future. We act the best we can in the moment. Our choices, even the wrong ones, come from a place of love. Things could have gone either way, we just got the worst case scenario. You love your person and would never wish him harm and that is what matters. I am still dealing with my guilt and I probably will for the rest of my life, but its easier now. At a year and one day its easier. Pls be gentle with yourself. Grief is hard enough without the extra complications. Sending you hugs.

Hello keeptrying. I am 11 month out. Although you are further along I feel like I could have written your post word for word myself. I so get it. I am forever waiting, because the idea that he does not exist anymore does not compute in my mind. And like you I also have the feeling that he never existed. Such contradicting thoughts. And surely this cant be real, not him, anyone but him. :'( Yeah, I get it. Hugs

Hello lsi13 Im so sorry for your loss. My husband died on 09/18/15 so we are on the same timeline. I so understand birthdays being hard. I turned 30 just 5 month after he passed. It was a very hard day. I just stayed in bed and cried all day. I did not go to see anyone I could not pretend to be ok on that day. I remember that on his 30th we got into a small car accident and he had a really shitty birthday because of it. But mine was so much worse not having him with me. I hope you get through the day. I think of it in that way now, just one more day to have to get through. Hugs.

Hi CappysWidow, I don't have any advise for you. I don't really know how to stop the self destruction. I just wanted to say that I do it too (I am at almost 8 month). I want so bad to get fired. Having to get up in the morning day in and day out and face another day is so exhausting, but I know that if I was to be let go things would only get worse for me. At least I eat on the days that I go to work. For the first 5 month I used to show up hungover or still drunk a lot, have not done that in some time. I am hoping that its something that will get better on its own with time. I drink less now. I don't take meds besides for anxiety when I need it. I hope you will find something that works for you, and hopefully your workplace is understanding as mine is. Hugs.

I am so sorry for your loss, and that you had to join the club that no one wants to be a part of. My husband also died suddenly, and I was in a terrible state right after. Just know that what you are feeling is normal for what you are going through. The shock of the early month is a great protraction mechanism and I think it really helped me out in the beginning. Like the others have said. Try to eat when you can, drink water when you can, and sleep when you can. Don't think about the future, just take it a min at a time. I had to ask for people to bring me food and make me eat in the beginning. I also asked for a lot of help with the memorial. I just could not function so my family and friends had to take care of a lot of the basic things. As you have mentioned for the first 2 month I would wake up everyday and re-realize that he was gone, it is so painful to have to go through that. However over time I don't have that crushing feeling when I wake up as much. It has been 6 month for me and I don't know where the time went. Just take it one day at a time and it will get better. Hugs to you.

Thank you Justin. It means so much to me. I remember how hard he worked on it and how excited he was.

Hi everyone. My husband was a video game artist. This is a link to the last game he worked on. https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.InvertedCircle.FindYoNuts It has been just finished, its his last gift to this world. Pls check it out and support. Thanks everyone.