Jen

Late May might be doable for me. I *really* want to make this happen!! My sister is due with her first baby in early- to mid-May, though, so it might be cutting it close. Cross fingers!!!

(((((((LESLIE))))))) So glad to hear you're finding your new stride. I think of you often... many, many hugs and much love.

ME. TOO.

Woohoo!!! Here's to a truly Sexy Saturday sometime soon!

A date? *ears perk up* How did it go?? ... okay, wrong forum, but I had to ask.

It sucks, and then some. :-\ I saw a quote by Mary Shelley (from Frankenstein) that almost scared me by how apropos it was for me. This post reminded me of it: "I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy one, I will indulge in the other." Sometimes I really feel the love. Other times... I could give the Hulk a run for his money. (((HUGS)))

(((((Justin))))) I had a complete meltdown last night, the kind I haven't had in ages. I survived my sister's wedding and the aftermath with relatively few tears, but once I got to my room last night, no one to see-- I broke down completely. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't breathe. It was awful. That hot lump of lead in my chest was back, and it hurt-- I mean it physically hurt. I can't remember the last time I sobbed, "I wish I were dead," but I did last night... and I meant it. Today is better, and I'm hoping tomorrow will be better than that. Sometimes hell reaches out and grabs you. I'll keep fighting it if you will! ((((more hugs))))

(((((Deb))))) I faced my 41st without my sweet LH in September. It was so hard.. now I'm officially older than he will ever be, and it breaks my heart. It's silly, it's just a number, but still... :-\ So grateful you have the card. It's not fair. It's just not.

So many hugs. Just my 2 cents, but I think anything less than 90 is too young, and there are probably some nonagenarians who would argue that! Not wanting to be happy because that would mean letting them go... yes. That. I still feel that way sometimes. It's normal, but it still sucks. Of course they would want us to be happy. Not one of our loved ones would want us to be miserable for the rest of our lives. So why can't they just bloody well come back and tell us that themselves??!? I'm so, so sorry you lost your sweet husband. Lots and lots of hugs... keep breathing, keep talking. We're here.

(((((Hugs))))) I lost my Jim very suddenly to a pulmonary embolism in our living room, three days after his 40th birthday. That was 18+ months ago. It was and is devastating... I still look around and think, How can this possibly be my life??? We had so much more to do. We only got 5 years! It's so freaking unfair. I am so, so sorry you had to look for us, but I'm glad you found us. We get it, much as we wish we didn't, and we're here. (((more hugs)))

((((Phil)))) Keep breathing. I'm so very sorry that you're going through this... the road through hell is dark and awful, but there are hands to hold along the way. Just hold on...

Go for it. And what's the last round up of who's coming from here?

I would love to!! Sign me up!

ME. TOO. I am so freaking sick of it.

Oh, hugs, hugs!! I'm so glad to see you-- and sorry to hear you've been struggling. You know you never have to struggle alone, right? That's why we're here! That said, I know what you mean about withdrawing... I've done that too, in a lot of ways. I'm starting to venture out... a couple of plays, trips planned, even a few clumsy attempts at socializing. But mostly I stay in my hamster ball, where it's safe (and lonely, sigh). Tell you what: I'll try to post more if you will. That work?

Fuck that tomorrow I have to put on a brave face and look happy while my pregnant sister marries a man with my dead husband's name. Fuck that she now gets to live the life that was supposed to be mine. Fuck that Jim's not here to hold my hand and make snarky comments about her and her groom just to make me laugh. He's supposed to be here. HE IS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING BE HERE FOR ALL THESE STUPID FUCKING MILESTONES. Instead, I'm going with my mother. At least my daughter has a date... Oh, and fuck that NOT ONE PERSON IN MY FAMILY has apparently given a moment's thought to how hard this is for me. I know, I know, it's not about me, but goddammit-- !!! We need a Mobile Wid Support Unit to show up and escort us to these events. Could someone make that happen, please?

((((((HUGS)))))) I wish I had more to add, but you summed it all up.

Amy, are you around? Give us a shout out, would you? (((((((HUGS))))))))

For some reason I'm back to about 4 hours a night. I have no idea why, but it sucks.

So many hugs... I'm sorry that's all I've got right now...

I just want to put a big DITTO under TS's post. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

I am so, so sorry. Keep talking. We're here to listen. ((((((HUGS)))))))

Grace, I am very very happy for you... and slightly pissed that you have reduced me to helpless sobs. I'm so weary of crying. At the same time, I'm immensely comforted to see that there really is a chance that there's a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. (((Hugs)))

Lol, yeah... easier said than done, unfortunately. Crawling back into bed to cry now... I'm so sick of this shit. I need to go visit the "fuck you" thread. :-\

((((((((((((((AMY))))))))))))))))) I wish I could make it better. I wish my heartfelt "I'm sorry" could make a difference. Please just know you're not alone, and you're NOT pathetic. You're hurting. How can we help?