lcoxwell

Ok! Ok! I know how to take a hint. My picks are in (or I should say, the picks of my 8th grade special education students are in). Hey! You gotta pick somehow. ;D

Kamcho, it is so good to hear that you have increased mobility and that you are getting your strength back. Sending you warm wishes, and hopes that your health will continue to improve.

I am with look2the sky. I prefer being honest about who and what I am. I actually told my New Guy that I was very recently widowed, right from the start. He actually appreciated my honesty. New Guy says to this day, one of the reasons he chose to date me, over other options he had at the time, was because I wasn't playing games or hiding who I was. If you want to be careful or prefer to keep your widowed status private, which is perfectly understandable, my suggestion would be to say you are single. Regardless of whether you feel it is right or wrong, some people avoid dating divorced people, for a variety of reasons, so you could be unintentionally eliminating some potential matches. Also, if you enter into a relationship, and the truth comes out later that you are widowed, rather than divorced, the other person may feel hurt or angry that you hid the truth, and it could cause potential problems in your relationship. Most people want to date someone they feel they can trust, and the other person might wonder, if you kept that important information hidden, what else are you hiding? Of course, I could be completely off base on this, so you can take my advice, or leave it.

I am with you on this one. Looking to the past leaves me longing for the life I no longer have. Looking to the future, I am filled with fear of the unknown. So, for now, I continue to focus on the here and now.

This was so beautifully worded, and much of what you said truly resonated with me. Thank you for sharing this.

Thank you, Jen and Carey, for just being there. Sending tight virtual hugs to both of you.

Honestly, I wish that, somehow, there was something I could say or do to make things better for you, right now. As others have said, it truly is not fair, and I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Nothing about this is easy or makes any sense at all. One thing you might be able to do is talk to your daughter's school about some of the senior year things. I know where I work, there are "scholarships" to help pay for some things, such as school trips. I know that won't help with ordering things like senior pictures or class rings, but maybe, you can get a little help with paying for the cap and gown, for example. Not every school does this, but it wouldn't hurt to try. While I may not have answers or better words of advice, encouragement, or wisdom, I do want you to know, you are not alone. Without going into details, I can tell you that I know what it is like to struggle financially, to not have enough money to pay bills, and to have to worry about not having money for groceries or to feed my family. I know it is hard to keep going, but we do, because we have no other choice. Hang in there.

I often think just the opposite, about both my Kenneth AND my new guy. The reality is, if it hadn't been for the computer, online chat rooms (for when I met Kenneth), and online dating profiles (for when I met my New Guy), I might never have met either of my guys. What a shame that would have been.

This sounds like fun! Last year, i was in too much of a fog to participate, but I think I shall give it a whirl this year. Of course, I need to wait until tomorrow to make my picks. My 8th graders are filling out a bracket for a school wide advisory class competition. I think I will just enter their picks on my bracket. Nothing could possibly go awry with that plan, right?

My Kenneth was buried, one year ago today. Before the burial, we had a private viewing, just for the family, and they all gave me a little extra time to be alone with him. So, one year ago today, was the very last time I ever got to be near him, to touch him, to look upon his face. How desperately I wanted for him to be able to open his deep, brown eyes, so full of mischief, so I could look into them, yet again. More than anything, I wished I could see him smile at me and that we could tell each other how much we loved one another, once more. I loved his dimples, I loved his voice, I loved his warmth, but that day, he was just so cold and so....gone. I sure do miss that man. :'(

Oh, Baylee, your love for your Brooks shines through in your story. I know the fear of being in the ICU and hearing those machines, of having the code called, and of seeing the medical personnel working desperately to save him. I also know the relief of seeing him pull through. I cannot imagine having to go through that experience repeatedly, as you had to, and I cannot even begin to understand your pain at having to hear the doctor say what he did. For Kenneth, at least, there was always hope, while we were in the hospital. It wasn't until he decided, "No More", that all hope went away. Hugs to you, my friend, for all you have had to endure, and for all you are having to go through, once more, remembering your Brooks' final moments. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish none of us did.

I am sorry you are struggling so much, right now. It is cruel and unthinkable, the attacks you have had to deal with, and you responded with such dignity and have managed to make a video that may help others. It's a shame that that had to derail your progress, and Maureen is right. You should have your Grace there with you, and you should be able to grow old and have children together. I'm sorry things didn't work out that way, for you. If you need more time, ask for it. The worst they can say is no, and you won't be any worse off than you are right now.

While spraying weeds in the front yard, I saw an elderly neighbor struggling to take out his trash, while dragging his oxygen tank and walker behind him. I went over and took care of the trash for him, and was rewarded with a wonderful conversation and much gratitude. :)

This is so true! New Guy and I are still waiting on sex, but we spend HOURS at a time, just making out, and we often joke that we are worse than teenagers. Hands down, I would choose a real, grown up man in his 40s (even one who doesn't have the perfect body or the most attractive face) over any hot, young man in his 20s or early 30s any day of the week.

I have come back and read this a couple of times in the last few days, wishing I had the right words to make things better, or wishing I could do something to help. Unfortunately, I have no words, and I live too far away to pitch in. I am thinking of you, though, and keeping you in my prayers. I am just so sorry you have had to go through all of this.

Thank you all for the virtual hugs and the understanding. It has been a LONG day, and doesn't help that I am still sick, or that tomorrow is the one year anniversary of his burial. Maureen....I totally agree with you. If I have to have sucky days, I would rather get them over with all at once, instead of dragging them out. Those few sucky days can really knock you on your butt, though.

My goal is to run a mile with my 8th grade students before the end of the school year. I made the mistake of doing a lesson on goal setting and they turned the tables, threw down the gauntlet, and challenged me. Rotten teenagers!

I don't know how in the world I missed this, when you first posted, but I wanted to take a moment and tell you that I am sorry you had a bad week and that the grief sucked you back in again. There are times, when this happens to me, as well. Sometimes, it is easy to see what triggered the sadness and despair, and other times, like when you were in the grocery store parking lot, when it seems to make no sense at all. (What is it about grocery stores, anyway?) The ability to escape can be a wonderful thing. I am told that, eventually, the ability to read an entire book will return. On the other hand, as nice as it might be to escape, I am learning that I have to deal with things, no matter how much I may not want to. I know that isn't a comforting thought, but it is true. Avoidance just doesn't work, no matter how much we may try. Looking at it from a different perspective, the fact that you realize there's no escape and you realize you have to take it one day at a time, may be a sign you are healthier, emotionally at least, than you think. ((((Hugs))))

This is where I am at, at this point - trying to deal with the after effects and the toll it has taken on my body. At one year out, I still have so much trouble trying to sleep at night, and my body is suffering from it. I started using an app on my phone to track my sleep. I average 6.1 hours of sleep on a daily basis, but my average sleep per record is 1.4 hours. This means, I am waking up about every hour to hour and a half, all night long. Just in the last few weeks alone, I have racked up 74 hours and 15 minutes of "sleep debt". This is the same pattern I fell into during all those years of taking care of Kenneth, and it just never went away.

As someone who just crossed the threshold of one year, I would like to say to all of you here in the BAG section that your stories of hope are helpful, but so are your stories of when you are falling apart, when you feel stuck in your grief, when things are not looking hopeful, when you are struggling, etc. Those further behind need to see both the good and the bad. We need to see the good, so that we can see things won't always be filled with desperation and despair. We also need to see the struggles, so we don't feel like there is something wrong with us, when we have a bad day, or several. I am so grateful to those of you, who are willing to open up and share the pain and the joy, the struggles and the successes. It helps me not to feel so alone, when the bad days come.

Thank you, Marian, for the warm welcome to this group. We truly had a wonderful time, stopping for breakfast that day.

Fourteen years ago, Kenneth and I started our lives together. At the time, he was 36, just getting ready to turn 37. The doctors were not expecting him to live through the next year, much less long enough to see his 40th birthday. Defying the odds, he not only made it through his 40th birthday, but also made it to his 50th, dying just six days before his 51st birthday. Had he lived, today would have been his 52nd birthday, and I miss him so much, right now.

oacton....My daughter was married in December, just nine months after my Kenneth's death. She built a special moment into her wedding ceremony to stop and honor him. It helped, knowing that, in some small way, he was still there with us. You don't have to worry about crying, since all eyes will be on the bride, anyway. Just remember, if you start feeling overwhelming emotions, just pause and focus on breathing in and out slowly. It does help. Wear water resistant eye liner and mascara, so that you don't have streaks running down your face, if you do cry. Keep tissues handy, and bring a small bag of your makeup, so you can do touch ups, before any pictures, if you need to.

Even at one year out, now, I also think that it has been no time at all, sometimes, and that it has been an eternity, other times. You may not see it now, but there will come a time, when you make it through a day, or a few days, without the crying. At four months, you don't have to worry about the future, just make it through one hour, one minute, one second at a time, if you need to. Eventually, you will reach a point, when you can look more to the future, but right now, there is nothing that says you have to.

Don't worry if you didn't write everything, or say everything the way you might have wanted. As Baylee said, I cannot imagine how hard it was for you, or for anyone else here, who might have had to make the decision to sign the DNR. Thankfully, my Kenneth and I had talked about it for a very long time, and he took the decision out of my hands by signing a DNR at all the hospitals that he might potentially be seen in. I think your husband knows that you did not abandon him, and I think he knows you loved him.