lcoxwell

I will be honest and say that I started dating far sooner than most would recommend and before I was really "ready", per se. Actually, I had expected it to take a long time to find someone I might be interested in dating; so, I started looking early on, thinking that, by the time I found the right guy to go out with, I would be ready. As is often the case in life, things did not go as planned. Within two days of setting up a profile, I was matched with my New Guy. We started communicating almost daily, right from the start. A month later, we went on our first date. I found him to be one of the most interesting and engaging men I had ever met, and our first date was probably the least awkward first date I have ever had in my entire life. We were just instantly comfortable with one another and ended up spending six hours together. Truthfully, I think our first date was maybe a little too soon, and he might have sensed that. He waited another month and five days, before taking me on date number two. That extra month made all the difference in the world. That night, we shared our first kiss, on the beach, by the fire, with soft music playing in the background. We have been inseparable ever since. For me, I don't know that there was an exact "Ah-ha! Moment" that let me know I was ready to date. I think there were just a number of almost imperceptible moments that occurred along the way. For one, I was going out and spending time with other people, men included, at least once a week, so I could honestly say the desire to go on a date wasn't just so I could get out of the house or because I was "lonely". For another, I was concerned that it might be too soon, so I did get input from trusted people, who assured me that I was ready and who supported me in my decision to date. Mostly, I think my readiness to date was contingent upon finding the right person. At the same time I was matched with New Guy, I was also matched with a few other men, whom I spent time communicating with and getting to know somewhat. I was not even remotely interested in dating any of them. There was just something "special" that separated New Guy from the others and set him apart. He was the only one I was interested in getting to know better or in dating. When he kissed me for the first time, I not only surprised myself by enjoying the kiss far more than I had expected, but also found myself wanting to kiss him again and again and again. That's when I knew I was truly ready.

Hahahahahaha! I love this! Thanks for the laugh, by the way. I so needed one today.

I am so glad that you had a good day, and I hope that you will have many more in the near future. Like the others said, this journey is filled with more than its share of bad days, so enjoy any good day that you can and hold onto it. Early on, I found those few good days gave me hope for other good days to come. That hope helped me to endure some of the bad days. At just over a year out, I am finding that the good days continue to increase. I hope the same will be true for you.

I noticed someone had littered by placing a huge slurped cup in the vines in front of a house. As I was walking by, I picked up the cup and threw it in the trash, so the house's owner didn't have to deal with it.

Thank you for your input, anniegirl. So much of what you said rings true for me. I do think my body and mind have developed a certain pattern and rhythm of days/weeks that is not necessarily in tune with my "healing". In many ways, I have taken positive steps in my life and have been working on moving forward and building a life for myself, without Kenneth. These cycles of anxiety, sadness, and physical reactions to grief truly are, as you commented, "serving no purpose". I'm trying to reach a point, where I can ignore and move past, but I guess I am just not quite there yet. I think it will be easier, once I move this Summer, because I won't be constantly surrounded by reminders of him, everywhere I go and everywhere I look. For now, though, I just have to hang on and keep going, the best I can.

Good evening from sunny CA. It's been gorgeous day out here, and the evening is off to a lovely start. I have a date night planned, with dinner out and a play. Hope you all have a wonderful evening.

I can relate to this so very much. I can remember sitting and watching my Kenneth, who was in so much pain, and I would pray that God would either ease his pain or take him quickly, so he wouldn't have to suffer so very much. Then, I would sit in the ICU, and pray that God would let him hold on a while longer, so that I could have more time with him. One of my very first thoughts, when he died, was that I wasn't ready.

^^^ This is what I want for my life, also. My Kenneth worried that I would spend my life sitting around mourning him and would forget to go out and live. We had many conversations about this, over the years, and he made me promise that I would do all I could to try and find happiness, after he was gone.

Jen, I LOVE what you just said, and so much of it echoes how I have been feeling lately. Please know, you will be in my thoughts this next week, as you approach the one year sadiversary. I hope you can find peace this week. Love ya, lady! (((Hugs)))

SWilson....Thank you for sharing the link. This is another really good suggestion that could be used as an alternative to visiting Kenneth's grave once or twice a week once I move. What in the world would I do without my Widda buddies taking care of me? You all are THE BEST!

I am so very sorry. I wish words could take the pain away and help you to find some peace, but words are so inadequate at times. Just know that we are here, and we are listening. We may not be able to say the right things to ease your pain, but we can understand what you are going through. ((((Hugs))))

I think I met her male counterpart online. At the same time I was matched with New Guy, I was also matched with another man. I spent a couple of weeks messaging back and forth with both men, though I was mostly interested in New Guy. The other man did not have a profile picture, but did offer to send me a picture via email. The day he sent the picture, I was busy teaching. After school, I went home for a short nap, before supervising an all night lock-in at school, followed by a few hours of sleep the next day, before going on date #1 with New Guy, in which I did not get home, until 3:30 in the morning (yes, date #1 was THAT good). Long story short, it was two days later, before I had a chance to open the email, to see the picture, or to respond with comments about it. In the meantime, about two hours after sending the picture, he apparently became impatient with waiting to hear back from me. Before I even had a chance to look at the picture, he sent me an angry tirade of an email, full of bitterness, and attacking me for being judgmental, essentially saying he guessed I had not liked what I saw and that I was "very superficial". I was sorely tempted to write a sarcastic response, and say something along the lines of one of these: 1) Your picture wasn't bad, but your piss poor attitude was a complete turn off. 2) Looking at your picture, I had no idea you were such an ass. Really, the picture doesn't show that AT ALL. Or..... 3) When I saw your picture, I couldn't understand why you were having so many issues finding a nice person to date. Then I read your follow up email, and I saw the light. I just have to ask, "Have you thought about changing your approach just a little bit? Maybe taking the approach of acting a little less like a cockroach and a little more like a decent human being will get you farther." I didn't, but I was tempted.

This is a great thread, with many really good responses. To me, physical attraction is only one aspect of a multifaceted relationship. Like many others have already said, I can look at another person and appreciate his good looks, without really being attracted to him. Conversely, I have been involved with several men in my life, that others would not have found the least bit attractive. Mostly, my tastes seem to run somewhere in between conventional good looks and what would be considered mildly unattractive, to most. There has to be something attractive about the man, be it a smile, his eyes, broad shoulders, or muscular legs; but I also like for there to be a little imperfection, too. I find that it is the little imperfections in a person that truly makes him "real" and interesting, at least to me. Personality is far more important to me, than physical attraction, though I don't have one personality type that I am attracted to, over others, necessarily. I just like for a man to be real and honest, intelligent and funny, someone who challenges me to be more than who I would be alone, and someone who enriches my life. My Kenneth and my new guy could not be more polar opposites, yet I love both completely. On the surface, Kenneth would be the last person anyone would expect me to end up with, but there was just something irresistible about that man. He was highly intelligent, wickedly funny, completely irreverent, and cursed more than just about any man I have ever known. He exuded a certain sex appeal, and everything about him screamed manliness and testosterone. He was stubborn, obstinate, and crude; but he was also brought to tears when speaking of his late grandmother and his "pop", he was deeply touched by babies and young children, he loved his dog more than most people love their own children, and he loved me and my children more than I can even begin to describe. He also had more charm and personality in his little finger, than most people have in their whole lives. On the other hand, New Guy is a strong, Christian man, with deep convictions, just the type of man most people, who know me, would expect me to end up with. He prays regularly, and reads the Bible often. He is an honorable man, with impeccable manners, who treats others with great respect. New guy is a steady rock, calm and reassuring, thoughtful and considerate, intelligent and funny; and in his presence, there is always a sense of peace and belonging, that I haven't found anywhere, with anyone else, in my entire life. He is a hard worker, and not one to sit around without doing something, whether it be to go on a walk, to take a hike, to go bike riding along the beach, or to head to the gym. He is highly responsible with his finances and with following through with his commitments. Best of all, the man knows something about creating romance in a relationship and can plan some incredible dates and weekend getaways, just to keep things interesting and to make me feel special. While the two are polar opposites, there are a few personality traits that they share. Kenneth was/New Guy is completely comfortable with who he is as a person and made/makes no apologies for being the man that he turned out to be. Both have lived their lives according to their own rules and not according to other people's standards. Both have a healthy level of self-confidence, without being overly confident or obnoxious about it. Both had very close relationships with their grandmothers and felt a certain responsibility to take care of their mothers, after the deaths of their fathers. When speaking of attraction, there is something completely irresistible about a self-confident man, who takes care of his mother, without being a forty or fifty year old "mama's boy". Sorry this is so long. I didn't mean to write so much.

Thank you, dear ladies, for being so open about your experiences, and for letting me feel that I am not alone in this. In so many ways, I feel I have taken healthy, positive steps to deal with and work through my grief; yet every month, here I am with the anxiety and oppressive sadness, once again. Even when I feel I am in a healthier, happier place, overall, my body physically reacts every month. It is when I start to consider why I am feeling so anxious, and why I am having so much more pain, that I begin to realize it has to do with the approaching anniversary of his death.

MrsTim....You had such a wonderful idea! Thank you so much. I am going to try your suggestion, and cannot tell you how thankful I am. Truly, this has been the one thing holding me back, and I have been worrying about it far more than I have let on to the people around me.

I have been down with a string of migraines, and now my butt/hip hurts from having to get shots to make them go away. (TMI?) Needless to say, I have been sitting in a dark, quiet room with ice packs on my head, rather than practicing my part. I found it did help to have another person's voice to listen to, as I was coming up with my submission on our last song. Having someone to harmonize with helped me to sound a little less like a countrified hick. With that being said, if one of you could send me Jen's version, I would greatly appreciate it, and so would your ears.

I stop by Kenneth's grave once or twice a week, though there have been a few weeks, when I missed visiting, for one reason or another. He was always bothered by the idea of being placed in a hole and forgotten about, so I promised him I would visit his grave. So far, I have kept that promise, in part, because he thought it was so important for people to keep their promises, and in part, because it has brought me some comfort. I usually don't stay long, but every now and then, I sit there for about an hour. Honestly, that is the one thing that bothers me about the idea of moving this Summer. I hate leaving him behind and being where I can't just drop by any time I want to. The reality is that he is gone, though, and I cannot spend my life in limbo, just because I want to be able to visit his grave once or twice a week.

Regular M & Ms Which music do you prefer: something peaceful (i.e. ballads, acoustic, soft rock) or something with a driving beat (i.e. hard rock, punk rock, heavy metal)?

This is hysterical! I have a wonderful mental picture of you, your daughter, your "ode to homeless/trailer trash/hangover" clothes, and all your shining glory, trying to beat the garbage truck. I've made that mad dash, a time or two, myself, thanks to my own "Widda brain". The last time I did, I went out with unbrushed hair, no shoes, skimpy pajamas, and NO BRA! I made it with seconds to spare, but I am pretty sure the garbage man got a clear view of my "bodacious ta-tas" (as my sister would say). I was mortified, but he at least grinned and waved. Of course, I don't know if he was grinning, because I looked so ridiculous, or because he liked my boobs. ;D

New Guy and I got to see them in concert, right before Christmas. It was somewhat bittersweet, because my Kenneth really liked them, too, and though I had a wonderful time, it felt strange being there with someone other than Kenneth.

That's such exciting news! I am happy for you.

Since my Kenneth died, every single month seems to start with another wave of grief crashing down on my head. Every month, about this time, I start feeling this pit in my stomach that lasts until after the monthly anniversary of his death on the 10th. My migraines and fibromyalgia pain increase, I have even more difficulty than usual sleeping, and I dread getting out of the bed in the mornings. My appetite completely goes away, and I forget to eat at least one or two meals a day. It takes every ounce of energy I can muster, just to make it through the day. Try as I might, I cannot focus or concentrate, which means I end up forgetting important things that I shouldn't be forgetting. As if that isn't enough, I am filled with sadness and anxiety, and it seems like there is this awful weight pressing down on me. I keep hoping this feeling will go away and give me one month of peace, but it doesn't. Does anyone else experience this kind of thing every. single. month. or is it just me?

It looks like I am in good company, though I would rather be anywhere, than on this hamster wheel, right now. No matter what I do, though, I just cannot get off the wheel or to even begin making any kind of forward motion, these days. Here is the irony for me, though. I have a direction in my life. New Guy and I have spent several months talking about our future together. We aren't in any rush, and he hasn't officially proposed (though he has taken me to look at rings and has asked for my ring size), but we know that is the direction we want to go in. So, this Summer, I am moving to be closer to him. This means that I need to prepare for moving, find another place to live, look for another teaching position, pack up my classroom, etc., etc. The problem is, I am so overwhelmed by all this, I cannot even begin to do anything; because I have no idea where to even start, and my "Widda Brain" is going in so many different directions, I cannot even begin to get organized.

I called in "sick" today, even though I wasn't really sick, and even though I have missed far more days this year, than I should have, for genuine illnesses. I just woke up completely unable to face the day. There was no real reason, that I could find, only that I just could not make myself get up out of the bed.

I would agree with Munsen, though I think Munsen stated it so much more eloquently than I ever could have. My faith has brought me through many a troubled storm, long before I met my Kenneth; and my faith has grown stronger, since his death. At times, when I felt the grief was more than I could possibly bare, I found comfort in prayer, in the passages from the Bible, and in hymns. When I have been lost and adrift, and felt I couldn't possibly find the shore, in order to tether my boat, all I had to do was call on one of my faithful Christian family members or friends. Their prayers on my behalf, when I was too troubled to pray for myself, has always given me hope and the strength to put one foot in front of the other and to keep moving.