lcoxwell

Congratulations! This is such happy news! I absolutely love seeing the stories of hope and new love blossoming, after all the tragedy and heartache and grief. I think I remember you posting about your Chapter Two guy, back when you went on your first date. I was just thinking about you the other day, when I was reading through this section of the board, and I was wondering how things were going with the two of you.

Grieving is different for everyone. In the early days, some people cry all the time, and others hardly cry at all. One cannot measure sadness or loss by the amount of tears that are shed. I absolutely loved my Kenneth, too, but I found that I didn't cry at times, when I thought I should have or when other people "normally" (I use that term loosely) would have. Instead, I found the tears came at unexpected times. ^^^ Honestly, I have had some of these very same thoughts. At times, I have felt like maybe I was handling things "too well", and I felt guilty that I seemed to be moving forward a little better than others on my same timeline. In some ways, I did get lucky, because I have many of the supports and personality traits that allow a person to deal with grief in a healthy way, if there is such a thing. There is a reason why they divide the time line into stages, though, and why they say 6-12 months is when shock wears off, and when reality sets in. For me, the heavy grieving hit, when I was about 6-7 months out, and it hit HARD. One way, or another, that grief monster gets all of us, sooner or later. Sadly, there's no getting around it.

I am about 5-1/2 hours away from Santa Cruz, but I might be willing to make the drive. The next couple of months are going to be really busy for me, with the end of the school year fast approaching and with a move planned for over the Summer. If you want to plan something for late July or early August, I would be interested. Feel free to PM me or start a new thread, to see if anyone else is interested.

Oh, my goodness! I did this exact same thing, not once, but TWICE, recently!

Honestly, I am in the "feeling guilty" boat, too. Two days before hospice was called in, I had a complete meltdown, crying, arguing, begging, doing anything I could to try and convince my Kenneth to stay in the rehabilitation hospital for a few weeks, just until they could get him stabilized. He was determined to come home, though, and nothing I did could change that. When we got home, I told him I just couldn't do it alone, anymore. We had lost home health, because he had reached a point in which he was beyond anything they could so for him, and I was desperate and afraid. I was the one, who went the next day, and spoke with the doctor. I was the one, who asked if it was time to call hospice in. I was the one, who set up the appointment to meet with them. I have often wondered if I made the right decision, and I often feel guilty, thinking that if I had waited, he might have lived long enough to see my son graduate and to make it to my daughter's wedding.

Michael & Jen....I am finally at a point, where I might actually be able to sing again, without sounding like a frog or having coughing fits. What part of the song do you need me to do?

I am so sorry, deedee. I know that this is so very hard, and I am also in that camp of people, who thought at one point in time, that my Kenneth was the lucky one. He had suffered for so long, and he was finally out of pain, but I was in torture. Those waves of grief will eventually ease up, a bit, I promise. In the meantime, just remember to keep taking care of yourself, the best you can, and take one minute at a time, if that is all y can manage. ((((Hugs))))

I showed your video to my class today, and they were very moved by it. Your video truly touched some of my students and lead to some very good discussion points among my students. Some of my students asked me to please send you a message from them, so I told them I would. They want you to know they are very sorry for your loss. They also want you to know they think your Grace was beautiful, and they are very sorry people said the things they did to you. My students said it wasn't right, what people said. They wanted you to know, they loved your video and Grace's music. Finally, they wanted me to tell you that you did a great job with the video and to thank you for letting them watch it.

Sending you huge hugs, my friend. I don't want to count anymore, either, but have not reached a point in which I can stop counting, just yet. You don't have to feel guilty at moving beyond the point, in which every waking thought is of the loss of your Jim. It wouldn't be emotionally healthy to always be clinging to that fact. It is okay that your thoughts have shifted toward you. It is also okay, that you can't look beyond a few months down the road, for now. I am with Jess, in saying that I was very worried about you, at one point. Because our timelines are exactly a month apart, I hold a special place for you in my heart, and think of you often. I know things continue to be hard, for you. They are still hard for me, too. What I can say, though, is that I can see that you have moved from constant desperation and hopelessness, to surviving and occasional glimpses of something better. It may not be much, but it is an improvement. Just keep being gentle with yourself. It will never be alright that your Jim is gone, but it is alright, if you can continue to put one foot in front of the other, and face each new day, as it comes, even if each new day isn't the one you wanted.

1) I offered to give up my lunch on Monday, to help a student complete an assignment for his science class. The student is not one of my students, but one who needs a little extra help. 2) I gave a student $1.00 for a replacement bus pass, because he lost his for the third time and didn't want to get a detention for not having one. 3) I gave another student $1.00 to buy a snack during lunch. 4) I offered to open my room up as a "holding room" for students, who cannot attend next week's variety show, due to having too many demerits for behavior. 5) I sent a note to the office, asking them if they would be wiling to allow a student to work off one of his demerits, because I received a really good report from his math teacher.

Last night, one of my dogs decided to stretch out on my Kenneth's side of the bed. The dog just plopped down in his spot, which is something the dogs never do. Honestly, it gave me a huge jolt. I am not used to movement there, anymore, and for just a moment, I thought it was him. For just a moment, I forgot that he was gone, and started to reach out to him, when I woke up fully and realized it was the dog. Now, I am feeling completely disoriented and off kilter, missing him more than I have, in a very long time.

Thank you so much! I am deeply and honestly touched, and crying tears of joy, over here. I had intended to work on the song, then I came down with the flu and bronchitis. Then, the old board shut down, before I had a chance to contribute. I was so deflated, that there wouldn't be another Despondents song, in which I could contribute. My singing voice is much better, so I should be able to start working on this within the next week. You are an angel of a man and my personal hero of the moment, for fulfilling this promise, and you truly made my night. Once again, thank you!

I love this thread. Every time I start missing my Kenneth, who dropped the "f bomb" just about every other word, I can come here and smile, thinking of all the things he would have added to this.

One thing my Kenneth and I were rarely able to do was travel anywhere together. His health wouldn't allow it, and there was never any money, since all our money went towards his medical needs. I often wished we could have taken the kids on vacations, and I often wished we could have traveled, because he would have enjoyed it so much. Since his death, I have traveled to Arizona to spend a week with my daughter and her then fianc?. Then in December, I traveled across the country to NC for their wedding, and had the joy of seeing friends and family I hadn't seen in over 13-1/2 years. It was such a bittersweet trip, because I kept thinking how he should have been there to walk her down the aisle, to see where I grew up, and to meet the people, who were so important to me, before I met him. I had to hold back tears, during the big, family dinner, because he never had the chance to sit down with my entire family, though he had often talked to them on the phone. I have also been on two romantic weekend getaways with my New Guy. He has taken me to Catalina Island and to stay in a cabin at Lake Arrowhead. He's now planning a three day trip to Santa Barbara, sometime in June. I am thankful that I have these opportunities to travel with my New Guy, but I can't help but wish, sometimes, that I could have done things like this with my Kenneth, too.

Sadly, it does seem that so often the bad things hit all at once, and it is so unfair. I am truly sorry that you have so much going on in you personal life, and I am so sorry for what your friends are going through. There are just no words adequate enough to make things better for any of you, but know that we are here, and we are listening, any time you need to at least let it out. As far as your friends go, just be there for them. You don't have to have the right words, and you don't have the ability to take the pain away. What you can do, though, is to stand by their sides, to pat their hands, to listen to them, to cry with them, to help them in any way that you can. Sometimes, the greatest gift a friend can give, is to just sit and say nothing at all.

I love this thread, and being able to go through and read everyone's stories. These stories are so touching and the love shines through. My Kenneth's last words word uttered to me, and to me daughter. She had come in to see him, one final time, and to visit with her younger brother on his 18th birthday. Kenneth was sitting on the edge of the bed, smoking his final cigarette (which is so fitting, because he nearly always had a cigarette in one hand and a soda in the other). He and our Nutmeg, as he called her, exchanged a few words, then he told the two of us he was tired and wanted to take a nap. He said he would talk to her later and hugged her. When he hugged her, he told her he loved her. As she and I were leaving the room, I called back, "Love you, Babe!" And he smiled and said, "I love you, too!" Those were the last words he ever spoke. He laid down to take his nap, and never woke up again.

What a special gift and memory you were given. I know it has to be so hard, looking back with regrets and thinking, "What if....?" thought. There are good things and bad things in every relationship. No matter what, though, you will always have those special final moments together. Nothing can ever take that away from you. Cherish that memory. Enjoy it. You deserve it.

I would like to pipe in as a former avid reader, as well. I have only manage to read one book in the last year, since my Kenneth died. Part of it is a lack of concentration, and part of it is a lack of time. Trying to do it all, along with my own medical issues, leaves me too busy and too tired to be able to sit and read. I really miss books.

Sending you well wishes, and big, cyber hugs! I hope everything went just as you wanted it to, and that you were able to walk out of the interview feeling good about it.

You might have "Widda Brain", if you are driving down the same road you have driven down thousands of times before, literally less than a block away from your home, and you suddenly get worried, because you have no idea where you are, you think you are lost, and you can't remember where you could have possibly made a wrong turn.

I sent en email to the principal and vice principal, asking if two of my students could have some of their demerits taken away, because they had been working so hard in my class the last couple of days.

I have been thinking of you today, and wondering how you were. There is so much joy and love in your picture. I am sorry he is not here to celebrate your anniversary together.

I am sorry that the flowers were a trigger for you. I miss being able to give my Kenneth gifts from the heart, too.

Movies, only because no one should have to suffer through watching me attempt to bowl and seeing me throw one gutter ball, after another. I think three year old children bowl better than I do. Getting stuck on an elevator with someone who has on way too much cologne/perfume, or getting stuck in the elevator with someone who has bad breath and BO?

Thank you all for adding to this. I love finding out I am not the only one who is afflicted with "Widda Brain". My latest additions to the list include: 1) You might have "Widda Brain" if it takes you six hours to do a job that should have only taken about three, because you are too scatterbrained to concentrate. 2) You might have "Widda Brain" if you placed an envelope and stamps on top of your purse, so you would not forget to take them out to the truck, which you do, only to then take said envelope and stamps right back out, when you got to work. Then, you returned to your truck twice, throughout the day, forgetting the very same envelope and stamps on your desk, not once, but both times. Finally, you manage to remember to take the envelope and stamps to the truck, when you head home, only to absentmindedly carry them back inside, once you made it home, so that the envelope and stamps are back in the very place they started out, instead of in the truck, where you needed them.