lcoxwell

I cannot give any input into NYC on November 1st, but if you all should ever decide to travel to Southern CA, I am less than an hour away from a number of major theme parks, beaches, and all kinds of touristy attractions and restaurants in and around LA. I can also cook up a batch of killer fried chicken and homemade buttermilk biscuits that would melt in your mouth. Just sayin'....

From my experience of 13 years as an extreme caregiver, I can tell you, most assuredly, that you are not hard-hearted in the least. Your husband needs your strength, as does your daughter. You are the one, who is there, day in, day out, doing what you can to take care of their needs. If you fell apart, each and every time he had a bad day, and each and every time you saw him in pain, you would be of no use to him or to anyone. Having the strength and the ability to carry on as normal of a life as is possible, given your situation, will help your family to feel a sense of peace and comfort. Sadly, there will be plenty of time to fall apart, soon enough. For now, just continue to be the steady rock, and if you do feel the need to fall apart, that's okay, too.

I am going to jump on the bandwagon and advise you to get that stereo up and running. Being a fellow audiophile, I can tell you that music can make all the difference in the world for one's mood. Beyond that, I am going to share the same advice we so often share with the new widows and widowers. Remember to be kind to yourself, and to take care of yourself, as best as you can. For now, just do what you have to in order to take care of the things that are necessary. Everything else can wait. Take it one step at a time, and give yourself permission to not do anything, if you need to. Most of all, just remember to breathe.

Weather plays a big part in my emotions, including grief. I find I am more likely to feel the grief creeping in and rearing its ugly head, when the weather is overcast, gloomy, cold, and/or rainy. Thankfully, I live in sunny CA, so the number of days I have to deal with the effects of bad weather are fewer than they would have been, were I still living in the mountains of NC.

There are any number of apps for smart phones, iPads, and tablets that are designed to help one set up a budget and track spending. Some are easier to use than others, and each one has its own pluses and minuses. Personally, I like the mvelopes app. It may not have as smooth of an interface as some of the others, but it is one of the absolute best for tracking spending. From my experience, it is much easier to stick to a budget, when I can clearly see how my money is being used, and when I can easily look to see if my money is going for necessary, or unnecessary, expenses.

Gracelet, I have no words to tell you how sorry I am about your Grandma. I, personally, feel that you should do whatever will bring you peace. If you feel the need to share a message with your Grandma and to ask her to pass it on, then that is what you should do. (((Hugs)))

I was actually going to respond to this thread, when it was originally posted, but wasn't feeling well, then was too busy to come back to it. I'm glad I came back to it tonight, though. Thanks for the laughs, guys! Now, back to what I was originally going to respond.... For me, I cannot personally speak to how important I truly feel that sex is, or even to what matters most in a relationship. This is because I have changed so much over time, and the role that sex, intimacy, values, etc. has played in my relationships has also changed. To me, the importance of sex, shared interests, and everything else that goes into building a relationship depends on who I am in the relationship with. For example, Kenneth and I were pretty much polar opposites. Though we were well-suited for one another in many ways, being with him could be HARD, sometimes. Before he met me, he was the playboy, who had slept with more women than he could easily count, without having to work to think about it. In all honesty, the man knew his way around a woman's body and truly rocked my world. Truthfully, though, his experience intimidated me. Knowing he had been with so many women, many far more experienced or far more attractive than I was, left me with a lack of confidence that took away from the pleasure and intimacy. He was also one who equated sexual intimacy and love, and pretty much felt that a lack of sex on a daily basis meant that there was a lack of love, as well. That, too, took away from the pleasure and intimacy for me, because sex became something that was expected, rather than it being an intimate bonding and freely given expression of all the love I had for him. Quite frankly, I was somewhat relieved, when the illness took away his ability to have sex, because it was then that he learned love was so much more. Our marriage grew and blossomed, and the intimacy was magnified immensely, once sex was taken off the table. Those last years, when we had to rely on other ways to draw closer, were the best years of our marriage. New Guy, on the other hand, is my perfect match in pretty much everything, including sharing my Christian faith and the desire to save sexual intimacy for marriage. If one can judge by the amount of kissing and making out that we do, I strongly suspect that one day, sexual intimacy will take on a whole new level of importance for me. It truly amazes me that New Guy can take my breath away, leave chills running through me, and awaken every nerve ending with just a simple touch or kiss; and I am finding that I have more desire for him than I ever thought I could feel for anyone. I gotta be honest here, sometimes it is all I can do to keep my hands off of him. What I do not know, and cannot wrap my head around, is whether the newly discovered desire for sex with New Guy is due to the fact that he and I share so many other aspects of our relationship in common, and that everything about being with him is just easy; whether it is due to the fact that Kenneth's death taught me how short and precious life is, and that I now appreciate and cherish every single expression of love to the nth degree; or whether it is due to the fact that I miss having my life partner, and that I want to share my whole life and every part of it with someone else. All I do know for certain is that New Guy and I have CHEMISTRY, and there is something about that man that truly does it for me, even without having a sexual relationship, at the moment.

I hate that I missed this, when it was first posted a few days ago. Nightmares have been a problem for me, as of late, as well. One woke me up in the wee hours of the morning this morning, and left me feeling as if my heart was going to beat right through my chest. I started my day feeling utterly worn out, anxious, and with a headache. Many hugs to you, dear lady. Wishing you sweet dreams from afar.

I am sorry that you are so exhausted and that you are struggling, right now. I think we can all relate to being done with this life, from time to time. I know how exhausting it is, when it is just me trying to make it through the day. I cannot even begin to imagine how weary it must be trying to do this with little ones. I greatly admire those of you, who manage to put one foot in front of the other, while taking care of little ones. Were our situations reversed, I don't know that I could do it.

After I read your post, I was thinking about the things I wanted to say to you, then I read this what AC wrote, and realized she said everything I had wanted to say, only much better than I could have said it. (((Hugs)))

Making it to that one month mark was incredibly painful for me. I simply could not believe that I had survived an entire month, without my Kenneth, and yet, there I was. You will find that there are so many places that will bring back memories, or feelings of nostalgia, along the way. You will also find that many of those places will bring tears, some happy ones, and some sad. Time will become somewhat fluid. There will be days, in which it will seem as though no time has passed at all, and like it has been an eternity all at once. It is unfair, that you must learn to carry on without your life partner, but you will find that life continues to march on, whether you want it to, or not. Kudos to you, for making it through the first month, and for making it through every other day, hour, minute, or second, since your love died. (((Hugs)))

I haven't had time to be around much, so I missed this, when you first posted it. Like Mizpah, I have a friend, who lost his first wife about 20 years ago. He and I have had a few conversations about how he still thinks of her, every day, and how he always feels the loss a bit more around the time of her death. I think it speaks to the love that was shared, to take a few minutes to think of them and to miss them, whether it has been a month, a year, or twenty years. (((Hugs)))

I wish that I had seen this earlier, so that I could have told you sooner that you are in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your reflections with us. So much of what you said resonated with me, especially what you included about determination and endurance. If I have learned nothing else on this journey, I have learned that it takes great determination just to get out of the bed some days. (((Hugs)))

I am sorry I missed this yesterday, as I have not had time to come here in the last few weeks. From the sound of things, it looks as though you found a lovely way to honor your love on the one year anniversary of your death. If he was anything at all like my Kenneth, I am sure that he would be proud of you for finding a way to carry on and to build a life for yourself with your New Guy. Although I have not been here much, as of late, I continue to think of you and all of the dear widows/widowers here, each and every day. (((Hugs)))

Welcome, Fuchsia, though I am so sorry that you have a reason to be here. I, too, was a long term, extreme caregiver for 13 years. My husband, Kenneth, spent much of that time in and out of hospitals, and beat the odds more times than I can count off the top of my head. The last three or four years of his life, he went through a steady decline, and I knew I was losing him, a little at a time. During those last few years, we faced some of the hardest struggles of our entire marriage. At the same time, as Maureen said, they were also some of the most intimate. Take this time to cherish your love and to build memories to hold on to, when he is gone. One regret that I have, though, is that I only have a very small handful of pictures of my Kenneth and no videos or recordings of his voice. I often wish that I had taken more picture,s or that I had at least one video to watch. There are times, when I would give anything to be able to hear his voice or see a recording of him. I don't even have our wedding video, because he accidentally threw it away long ago. If I had one suggestion, it would be to take as many pictures and videos as you can.

For so long, I had to do everything for my Kenneth. In his last few months, he couldn't even roll over in the bed, without my help. I had to do everything for him, or assist him in some way. That came after years of taking care of not only him, but of our family, as well, and working full time. It was not uncommon for me to go from early in the morning until late at night, without sitting down for more than a couple of minutes at a time. When I first started seeing my New Guy, I not only felt guilty about letting New Guy do things for me, such as cook dinner or get me a drink from the kitchen, but I also had to fight the idea that I was being lazy and that I was not doing enough of the "work". It took me some time, before I learned to adjust to the idea that it was acceptable to let someone else share the load and to even take care of me, once in a while. Nearly fourteen months, since our first date, and I still struggle with those thoughts, from time to time.

I have been utterly swamped the last couple of weeks, so I have not had an opportunity to come here and thank you all for your support and kind words. I think what hurt so much was knowing that the actions of both my MIL and SIL were both very purposeful and taken with the intention of hurting and/or embarrassing me publicly. They both knew good and well what they were doing. My SIL's actions especially bothered me, because I had given her a home in our house for a few years, when no one else in her family would let her live with them. I also gave her a cell phone, which I continue to carry on my cell phone plan and to pay for each month, because I know that is the only way she would have a phone. (She has physical and mental health issues, which interfere with her ability to get a job, though she keeps applying for one). Ironically, after they attacked me, some of Kenneth's family "unfriended" me on Facebook, as if I was the one who had done something wrong. I am okay with that. They ignored Kenneth for the last few years of his life, and always treated his kids as if they were second class citizens in their own family. They never really included me or my kids as part of the family, either, and never call to check on me or send messages to see how I am doing. The only time I ever hear from any of them is when they want something from me. At first, I was going to take the high road and simply ignore the attack, but then thought better of it. It wasn't the first time that family had done something like this to me, and I realized that by keeping quiet, the truth would continue to be hidden. I also realized, that if I refused to respond, and if I did not defend myself publicly, they would continue to pull these kind of hurtful stunts. For better or worse, I ended up posting my own, rather lengthy response to their attack, once I had the time to gather my thoughts. I laid it all out, telling everyone about things that I would have rather kept private, but knowing that it was the only way to deal with that toxic group of people. There are a couple of them, who are still friends of mine on Facebook, so I know that the entire family has seen what I had to say, by now. Since posting my response, I have not heard a peep from any of them. I am okay with that, too.

I spent quite a bit of time this evening, in tears. I miss my Kenneth, and I miss having him there as a buffer between his family and me. He never would have put up with how they have treated me, since his death.

Today is the 18 month anniversary of my Kenneth's death, so when I saw a little message on my phone that Kenneth's mom had posted something on my Facebook timeline, I smiled. Until I read the message. My mother-in-law chose to pick the 18 month anniversary of his death to publicly embarrass me. She actually went on Facebook to ask if I could start sending her $200 a month, since she paid for Kenneth's funeral. She didn't have the decency to call or text or send a private message. She just posted it right there for any of my friends or family to see. My sister was so upset, that she felt the need to respond. Then Kenneth's sister got involved. She and my mother-in-law both hurled insults about me, and his sister was very insulting. I was too shocked and hurt to say anything. I cannot tell you how devastated I am that private matters, which should have been kept private, were dragged into the public, due to classless, insensitive people, who were making an effort to bring me down and drag my name through the mud. Finally, my mother apparently put a stop to it, when she decided to post a comment. My mother is very classy and put my mother-in-law and sister-in-law in their places in a very ladylike manner. What she said must have hit home, because the post was finally taken down. Still, I am devastated and mortified. Today should have been a day that I was focusing on memories of my Kenneth, possibly shedding a tear or two, because I miss him. Instead, I ended up shedding tears, because I am completely embarrassed.

It seems too inadequate to say that I am sorry, but I truly am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I will be praying for you, and for your family. (((Hugs)))

I have reached the point in my journey through widowhood, in which I no longer feel the need to count every day, every week, and every month, since my Kenneth took his final breath. Tomorrow marks a year and a half, since he has been gone, though, and I feel the need to at least acknowledge the day. Honestly, right now, I don't know how I feel about reaching the 18 month anniversary of his death. Right now, I just feel numb. (Admittedly, it could be the migraine medication that is numbing my senses, and I may very well feel differently tomorrow). The last few years of his life were simultaneously the hardest, and the best, years of our marriage. When the time came, he was able to leave the world as he had always wanted. He was ready, and it was on his terms. He had been saying that he was tired of fighting and that he wanted to die for quite some time, before he died, and with increasing intensity in his voice, each and every time he said it. In fact, he pretty much had said it to anyone, who would listen. In his last few days, he had the chance to speak to all of his children, one last time, right before he became too dazed and confused to hold a conversation. His last words and actions were to hug our daughter and to tell her he loved her. After the hug, he took a final drag of his cigarette, before going to bed for a nap. Some time after he had fallen asleep, he slipped into a coma, and died two days later, while lying next to me in our bed. Some days, I miss him so much, I can barely breathe. Yet, when I take the time to think about it, I remember that it was what he wanted. He had hurt for so long. For so long, he had been dying a little at a time, and he was no longer the man I had married or the man he wanted to be. When I remember that he left the world happy, not suffering and in pain, and not in a hospital, then I can draw some small measure of comfort. Still, I miss him....

If my Kenneth were still alive and here to read this, he would tell you that, technically, you don't suck - you inhale. (Sorry, couldn't resist the cheesy humor. My head hurts and I am medicated.)

Scream away, my friend, scream away!

Right about a month and a half ago, I fell into a deep depression and the agony of losing my Kenneth seemed to be filling my life so much more than it had in a long time. I get that you are tired - tired of being alone, tired of being sad, tired of missing your Jim, tired of being a widow. I have felt much the same way, recently. I wish I had great, wonderful, encouraging words to give you and to lift your spirit, but my head hurts tonight, and I am missing my Kenneth. I couldn't go without responding in some way, though, so I just wanted to pop in and tell you that you are not alone, and that I truly admire all that you are doing to try and build a life for yourself, despite all the pain. Love you, sweet lady! Hang in there.

Michael, it is so good to see you back and to "hear" your voice, again! Your absence was noted, and you have been missed.