lcoxwell

When I was on about the same timeline that you are, I remember having a particularly bad day at work and coming "home" to a miserably empty house, in which all I could do was cry. I had heard some say to just take things one step at a time. I had also heard grief described as coming in waves. I remember coming to this site's predecessor and saying something along the lines of, "It's hard to take baby steps, when you are drowning in the middle of the ocean, and your feet can't touch the shore." We all understand the pain and the depths of despair. Please, please fell free to lean on us, any time you have a need.

1) I am happy to see this thread make its way to the top of the list, once again. 2) I feel like I am starting to make friends, and not just acquaintances, at the new school where I work. 3) I haven't said much about this, other than here, but I have been really, REALLY struggling to make it financially, until I get my first paycheck at my new job (which isn't until October 1st). I don't know if New Guy mentioned to his mom that I am struggling (which I doubt), or if she just thought that having to go so long without a paycheck might be hard (more likely); but she just did the nicest thing for me. New Guy sent me a text today around lunchtime today, telling me his mom had bought me a $50 gift card for the local grocery store. I cannot tell you how touched I am or what a blessing it was to get the gift card.

This perfectly describes my entire last year, up until I moved and started over. I'm sorry you have to go through this. (((Hugs)))

As you all can see, I have decided that, for now, I am not going to step away from the board. New Guy is trying to understand, and I cannot fault him for not truly getting why I feel the need to be here. Maybe there will come a time, when I no longer feel the need to be here as often. Maybe I will reach a point in time, when I can comfortably walk away completely. Right now, though, I still need to be an active part of this community, if for no other reason, than because I now live in a place where no one even knows my Kenneth ever existed, except New Guy. If I didn't come here, I would have no place in which I could comfortably talk about him, except to New Guy; and I don't think it is healthy for a new relationship to always be talking about one's deceased spouse. In the meantime, I am doing what I can to try and ease New Guy's discomfort and to acknowledge his feelings. I am not hiding that I am continuing to visit the board and to be an active participant. At the same time, I am not advertising it, either. Realistically, I think New Guy knows that I truly love him and that I want to build my life with him. I think, in time, he will see that I am not mired in my past or holding on to a relationship that cannot exist anymore. In time, I think New Guy's insecurity and fear,s in this one area of our relationship, will fade away, as he and I continue to move forward in our relationship together, and as we continue to make plans for a future together.

Since you have brought it up, I managed to lose 17 pounds in a relatively short time after my Kenneth died. When you are 5'1", even 5 pounds can be a big difference. Needless to say, I had to go by all new EVERYTHING, including clothes, pajamas, bras, and panties. SOMEHOW, I managed to end up with about 30 new pair of cute, sexy panties. I could literally go an entire month without having to wash, and still wouldn't have a need to wear the same pair for more than a day. (Actually, I think the appeal of not having to wash clothes might have at least something to do with why I have around 30 pair of panties, but that's another confession).

I've never used Kik, so I have absolutely no useful advice to pass on whatsoever. For what it is worth, though, you have a very engaging and interesting writing style, so I could see why people would be interested in talking to you and in getting to know you more.

I had advice for you, then I read Joey's response and realized he basically gave the exact same advice, only worded so much better than I could have. Truthfully, I have not faced this situation, so I cannot truly advise. The closest I have come to a FWB relationship was with my best friend from college, who wanted to see me, if I had made it back to visit my family and friends in NC last year. Thankfully, I started seeing New Guy and chose not to travel last summer, which turned out to be a very good thing. Had college friend and I done the FWB thing, I think I would have ended up feeling guilty and regretting it, and I believe things could have gotten quite messy. As it is now, he and I are still incredibly close friends, he is now engaged, and I am very happy with my New Guy. As Joey quoted, "To thine own self be true." Don't do anything that you will regret. That being said, there is nothing wrong with going for dinner, and no one says you have to sleep with him. On the other hand, I am not one to judge, and it has been a long, LONG time for me, too, so I can understand the desire to possibly enter into a FWB relationship. This kind of relationship seems to work for some people, and who am I to judge what other people do? In the end, only you can truly decide what is best for you. Whatever you decide, I hope the results will make you happy.

I am another one, whose dogs helped me to survive and carry on, after the loss of my spouse. There were days I couldn't function at all, but I managed to take care of them. Had it not been for my dogs sleeping in my bed with me, I don't think I ever would have been able to sleep again, especially since my Kenneth died in our bed, next to me. With the dogs sleeping close to me, the emptiness was just ever so slightly more bearable. About a month ago, I had to give up my dogs, when I moved to my new place. Every time I think of them, it brings me to tears, and I so wish I could have kept them. I hope that your dogs can bring you the peace that mine brought me, and that they can help you to heal in some small way.

Welcome, Fran, though I am saddened that you have a reason to join us. Everything you are feeling is normal. As others mentioned, you are not alone in this. Please, come here to read and post as often as you feel the need, as there is always someone here who can relate in some way. I was struck by what you said about being glad your husband was confused at the end, so that he didn't have to feel worried or afraid. While the circumstances of their deaths are different, my Kenneth was confused in his last days, as well. It never occurred to me to be reassured by that thought, but now that you have brought it up, I am glad my Kenneth did not have to spend his last days worried or afraid, either. I cannot tell you what peace that brings to me, so thank you for sharing that thought with us.

In all honesty, I never did find an effective way to deal with going through, sorting, and redistributing my Kenneth's things. Early on, it was just too painful to even fathom. Then, I returned to work and started seeing someone who lived over two hours away. Between work and driving back and forth to see New Guy, I just didn't seem to find the time. Eventually, it seemed somehow fitting to leave things just as he had left them. After all, I reasoned, it wasn't hurting anyone and no one ever came over to see it. At 14 months out, and just 2 months before making a major move, I decided I had no choice, but to start choosing which of his things to keep and which of his things to give away or trash. Sadly, I only had about two evenings after work to begin, then had a minor stroke and ended up hospitalized. Therapy began after that, and I just did not have the strength to do it all. Finally, I realized that I could not physically, or emotionally, do it all, so I ended up moving away, leaving much of it behind, and paying someone to come in and take care of it for me. It isn't a method I would suggest for most people, but for me, it was the right decision. Being able to walk out that door and see his things, right where he had left them, gave me a sense of comfort and a sense of closure.

Jess, if I am not mistaken, you and Justin started your relationship along the same timeline that New Guy and I started ours. I was worried about many of the same things, particularly that people would judge me for getting involved "too soon". New Guy is not a man to go online to any social media sites, and he lived a little over two hours away, so I didn't have to worry about people finding out about us, until I was ready. Once I did go public with our relationship, I was overwhelmed with support and encouragement, from very unlikely people (like Kenneth's children - every single one of them). There is just something heartwarming about reaching that point, when you can be open and tell the world that you have found new love. I hope your experience in sharing and going public is every bit as wonderful as mine was.

I am so very happy for you, your new husband, and your children. Your pictures are absolutely stunning, and you look so happy! May you have many, many years filled with joy, love, and happiness ahead of you.

Thank you so much for sharing this! I wish that I had had your list, back in my college days, when I became involved with someone who very much fits your description. I am so glad that you and I both got away, and I think of you often. I hope only good things will come for you, and that your new life will grow into one that makes you truly happy.

I think it is normal, for people to come and go in our lives, because life is so busy and overwhelming and people are often going in so many different directions all at once. This seems to be far more painful, and far more common, after we have been widowed, for so many different reasons. I am sorry that you are having to face this with your friend, and I am sorry you are hurting. (((Hugs)))

Let's face it, in life, people generally do not want to hear us complain about any part of our lives, and they do not want to hear us brag about our kids. So, as a general rule, I try really hard not to brag; however, I just have to take a brief moment to brag on my youngest son, the one with social anxiety and a visual disability. First of all, he moved out about a month ago, started a job that required him to travel, and is doing well. He just got his first paycheck a few days ago. Being the parent I am, I felt the need to tell him to spend his money wisely and not blow it all, to which he promptly informed me he is not an imbecile and then detailed all the wise choices he is making. His words to me were, "I'm smart with my money." Even more than how he is handling his money, my youngest came to me and asked me straight out why his dad (Kenneth) didn't like his birth father. It is a question I have been dreading for many years, because my youngest has a good relationship with his birth father. I really did not want to tell him how I had been attacked by his birth father, when he was a baby. I answered all of his questions, though. I also made a point of telling him that his birth father had never been violent towards me before that time or since. My son said he had suspected the things that I had told him, and that it had been bothering him for some time. He was very mature about the whole conversation and ended it by thanking me for being honest and telling him truth. I know these things might not seem like a big deal to most parents, but my youngest has had to struggle his whole life. So, to see him stepping out into the world, and to see him conducting himself like a man, rather than a boy, is a big deal and definitely something to brag about.

I understand, too. This past year was my first anniversary without my Kenneth, and I think the only people who even knew or recognized it were people here. Some of my family knew, but didn't bring it up, because they were worried it would make me sad. I agree with you, though. I think it hurts more, when no one will talk about him. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and that I can commiserate. Happy anniversary! On a side note, congratulations on making it together for 19 years. That is a major accomplishment, especially when so many marriages are falling apart these days. I truly admire those couples who find the wherewithal to weather the storms of life and who honor there wedding vows by staying together, through it all.

There are many things I don't understand in this world. One thing I do know, is that one's ability to "beat" or "survive" a potentially fatal illness, or not, is not simply based on who has the stronger will or the desire to fight hardest. It isn't about whose faith in God, or whichever "higher power" one chooses to believe in is deeper. It doesn't boil down to who had the newest/latest/most promising medical treatment. It most certainly isn't about who loves their spouses, family, friends, etc. enough to hang on. If that were the case, many of us would have no need to be here, because our loves would still be with us. A part of me understands that the message of hope needs to be out there, to give those, who are currently struggling something to hold onto. I get that. But I also get the unfairness of it all, and I completely understand how seeing all the "Rah, Rah!" cheerleader propaganda can really hurt those, who have suffered the loss.

I truly wish that I had the right words to bring you some level of comfort and support, but I just don't have anything helpful to add that would be meaningful. I just wanted you to know I am sorry things did not work out, and that you are feeling such loss.

I have to be honest, I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I love my New Guy and am very happy to be moving forward in my new life with him. At the same time, I have no desire to erase the reason I am here in the first place. The reality is, I wouldn't be here, if my Kenneth hadn't died. I think I am much like Maureen. I feel very comfortable talking about my story. I can easily go from a brief synopsis of Kenneth's death to now I am with a wonderful, new man without batting an eye. Of course, I have always been a very open person (some might say too open), so that helps.

A number of times in the past year and a half, I have come here to express my thanks and gratitude, as well. I have often said that this site, and its predecessor, along with the people here, were my saving grace in my darkest hours. I could never, ever express in words just how thankful I am (or how blessed I feel) to be a part of this awe-inspiring community. BrokenHeart2, you may not feel as though you word your replies with the depth that you wish, but I have seen you offer support to many, myself included, and I am thankful for many of the responses you have given me, personally.

At five days out from reaching the year and a half point, I know I have a long way to go; however, your description here fits me perfectly.

I'm very sorry you are having to spend your nights alone. I am not liking being alone at night, either, now that I am in a new place, my son has moved out, and my dogs are in another state with my best friend from college and his fiance. With Saturday night upon us, I am sitting and enjoying a quiet evening. New Guy and I went to the market earlier today and were profusely thanked by the cashier for being the happiest people she had seen, for a couple of people who had had to wait in a long line. It's nice having other people looking at me and seeing happiness, instead of looking at me and seeing tears, for a change.

I cannot speak from any kind of personal experience, as cancer was just about the only illness my Kenneth did not have, it seems. That being said, from my point of view, it doesn't seem that you are being unreasonable to feel the way that you do. If I were in your shoes, I might very likely feel the same way.

It is so unfair that we have to do these things, without the support of our spouses. I am sorry that your youngest is struggling, and that you are feeling so alone. While it may not help, just remember that those early days are hard, because our children are adjusting to being on their own in a new and unfamiliar place, while we are home and missing them. For most teenagers entering college, they find new friends soon enough and it doesn't take them long before they adjust and learn to enjoy themselves. Hand in there!

I am so sorry to hear about the cancer diagnosis of your sibling. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers. (((Hugs)))