lcoxwell

I am sorry for your loss and that you have a reason to be here. Some of the others have given great advice. Please know that anything and everything you are feeling now is normal. I wish there was a way to make it go away, but there just isn't. My advice is to do whatever you can to take care of yourself. The single best advice that was ever given to me is to just remember to breathe. Stopping to take a few deep, concentrated breaths always helped immensely.

I am so very sorry that you had a difficult week. I hope things are going somewhat better, now that a new week has started. (((Hugs)))

I am not one to curse or use the f-bomb, but can I just express my incredible indignation, irritation, and annoyance anyway? Maybe one of you can do the cursing for me. ;D Last month, I had to take a super important, 5-1/2 hour, 4 subtest examination to prove I have subject matter competency to teach my high school, special education English class (because, apparently, receiving advanced placement scores in high school that were high enough to completely test out of college level English classes; graduating with honors from both high school and college; receiving a bachelor's degree in special education with an additional 45+ semester hours of graduate level course work; over a thousand hours of inservice training; AND 15+ years of teaching experience - including being department chair, being on school/district leadership committees, serving as a mentor teacher, and receiving "exemplary" or "superior" status on 13 years' worth of teacher evaluations - is not enough to prove I am "highly qualified"). BUT, I digress.... Anyway, I chose to take the entire test on the same day, rather than taking each individual test one at a time. The registration information said that there would be a break provided, for people taking all subtests at one sitting. Let me also add that this was a timed test, so taking breaks at any point outside of the provided break counts against the time one has to complete the subtest. So, on the day of testing, I completed the first two subtests and thought I would be given a break. I was not. After waiting for a while, with no sign of anyone giving me a break, I started the third subtest. When I started the third subtest, I was thinking that, at any point, someone would at least let me go to the bathroom. No. Such. Luck. About halfway through the 3rd subtest, I still had not been given a break and I had reached critical status. My choice was to either take a nonscheduled break (counting against my time) or pee all over myself. You can probably guess which option I chose. One would think that, as an adult, you could just get up and go to the bathroom, when needed. Oh no! Since this was a computerized test in a secured facility, I had to raise my hand and wait for someone to come and log me off. Then, I had to wait while the person SLOWLY verified I was leaving the testing area by taking my fingerprints and checking my picture ID (like I magically turned into someone else, while sitting at the computer, in plain sight). The fingerprint machine didn't work the first time, so I had to repeat the process. Next, I had to wait on someone to come from in back to give me a key to the bathroom (because God forbid one have access to bathrooms in a public building). Upon returning from the bathroom, I had to wait on someone to come from the back, so I could return the precious bathroom key. I then had to wait on the original slow person to once again verify my identity by taking my fingerprint and checking my photo ID (just in case I traded places with someone in the few minutes it took to go to the bathroom). I also had to wait on the same said slow person to log me back on to the computer, so I could complete my assessment. All of this ended up taking about 20 minutes (possibly longer) of my assessment time, which is a huge deal when one must read 3 passages and write two 800-1000 word essays (that show mastery of the subject matter) all within 1-1/2 hours of time. If they hadn't been so slow, I could have been there and back in less than 5 minutes, for God's sake! Thanks to the slow, incompetence of the workers and their failure to give me a break in the first place, I ran out of time to complete my second of the two essays, even though I knew the answers. Needless to say, that particular subtest is the only one I did not pass. Now, I have to pay additional registration fees and take more time out of my schedule to retake that one subtest. (I had top scores on all the other subtests). Grrrrr...... * Sorry this is so long, but I REALLY needed to vent!

Personally, I would love to be able to give you a bit of advice here, but I am quite the oddball, apparently. In my 20s, I was doing many of the things that you mentioned doing, in order to meet men. Just about everyone I knew was also busy setting me up with this friend or that one. None of it worked for me. Then, I met my Kenneth randomly on one of those online chat rooms for Christian singles. Within a couple of months, I was packing up and moving across the country to be with him and we were together until he died. After reading the horror stories of the online dating world, I set up a partial profile, on a whim, before I was ready to date, and during a particularly bad night of missing my Kenneth. Now there's a good strategy for you! Basically, I used the free version of eHarmony on a weekend that allowed free communications. In less than 24 hours, I was matched with my New Guy. A few weeks later, we met in person. Now, a year and a half later, we are engaged and planning a wedding. Essentially, I took every piece of good advice that I was given (twice) and did the exact opposite. The two relationships that came out of going against convention have been the only two successful relationships of my life. Go figure!

Congratulations on surviving that first year! I agree with Trying, that reaching the one year milestone does not magically erase all the pain or make things better. What it does do is to help you realize you have made it through the first year after experiencing the worst thing that can possibly happen to anyone. No one can ever take that away from you. From my experience, that knowledge alone can help keep you going, when the difficult days roll in, in the future. From my experience, that knowledge can also help you enjoy the good days that inevitably come along, just a little bit more, too. ((((Hugs))))

I don't know if you are a person, who believes in prayer, or not. If not, please ignore my advice and forgive me, as I truly do not wish to offend in any way. If you are, I can pass on the single most powerful piece of advice I have ever been given in my life. Forgiveness is never for the offender. It is for you, and learning to forgive does offer a sense of freedom; however, forgiving is one of the hardest things in life to do. If you are a believer in prayer, then pray for the person you want to forgive. Each and every time you think of the horrible actions of that person, each time you feel the anger and resentment building up, each time you see that person or hear that person's name, pray for that person. A wonderful prayer warrior lady I once knew gave me this advice, and all I can say is that she truly knew what she was talking about. I know it is a different situation, but let me share what this advice has done for me. After being the victim of a violent attack and nearly being murdered while in my 20s, I suffered from PTSD and was one step away from a nervous breakdown. I took her advice, and I cannot even begin to explain the changes that occurred in me. I found a sense of peace and healing, that wasn't there before. I was able to move forward with my life. Nearly 20 years later, I still pray for the person who attacked me. Honestly, I couldn't tell you if my prayers helped him in the least, but the prayers allowed me to forgive and they have made me a better person.

Early on, I remember counting every single month and thinking about how 1 month ago, 2 months ago, 3 months ago, etc. at this time, my Kenneth was doing (name of activity or explanation of conversation). It was torturous! As Lisa said, some months were harder than others, and months 3, 6, 9, and 12 seemed to be truly horrible. I am now quickly approaching two years, and I no longer count down every single month. While it may not seem like it now, a time will come when things will get a little easier. In the meantime, remember to take care of yourself and to allow yourself a little space to lean into the grief, if you need to. Everyone faces the anniversaries in their own way. For some, that means planning as many activities as possible to keep their minds off of it. For others, that means taking it easy and placing fewer demands on themselves for the day (even spending the day in bed, if necessary). Only you can truly know what works best for you. The one thing I do know, is that you should have a plan for how to handle the situation, if the tears should start flowing. I also know that you need to make sure you eat, if you can. Drink plenty of water. Sleep and exercise, if at all possible. If all else fails, just remember to breathe.

To begin with, your post truly spoke to me. While reading it, I could see myself in so many of your words. I, too, have greatly struggled with PTSD, with fear of failure, with stressing over all that needs to be taken care of, etc. Other people have already shared a great deal of the strategies that I would also suggest, many of which I have tried and have helped. I've also used my support system of family and friends, as well as church involvement, Bible reading, and prayer (which is the single things that works best for me, though I realize it isn't for everyone). One thing I would like to add it this: You are facing a number of changes in your life, and change is HARD. It is normal to be afraid and to experience the kind of fear that you described. For what it is worth, I have found that once the changes have been made and a new life/routine is established, things generally improve substantially. From what I know of you, I truly believe you have the temerity to tackle your fears and to come out on the other side a bit happier. I know it is oh so hard, but hang in there, dear lady. ((((Hugs))))

I would sincerely like to thank all of you for the congratulations and well-wishes. It never ceases to amaze me how wonderful you are. I love how thoughtful you are, and how you will go out of your way to share in the good times, as well as the bad. In many ways, I can even thank some of you, for having a hand in my current happiness. Early on, I was on the fence about whether I should consider dating New Guy. I worried that, maybe, it was too early; but some of you encouraged me to at least give him a chance. When I was initially bothered by how different he was from my Kenneth, some of you reminded me not to compare. Over time, I have found that I am truly grateful that he and Kenneth are practically exact opposites, and I have grown to love him far more than I ever imagined I could. Right now, I am so excited about my future - the future I never would have had, had it not been for some of you. So, once again, thank you all so very much! You all are THE BEST!

TooSoon....I can completely relate to the concept of feeling as though extreme caregiving was a calling, for me. I have even discussed this with both my mother and my sister at different times, before and after my Kenneth died. Rob....I loved what you had to say about being worth the effort. From what I know if you, I would say that you are worth it. I guess I am worth the effort, too. Unlike you, though, my kids were all adults, when I lost Kenneth. For a while, I didn't really have others to think about, so I put off going to doctors and managing my needs. There just didn't seem to be a real reason to care.

I am very sorry that you had such a bad day at work and that your husband is not there to talk to. I agree that "(s)ome nights, it hits hard". Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Hello, Mark. I, too, am so sorry that you had a need to join us. It always saddens me to see that new people have a need to be here. One thing I will say, though, is that the people here are an amazing group of people. They lifted me out of my darkest days of grieving and have provided wisdom, encouragement, and understanding that I never could have found anywhere else. I hope that being here will help you, just as much as it has helped me.

A year ago, New Guy and I first started talking about eventually getting married. He even took me shopping, so he could get a sense of what kind of engagement rings I liked. I have small hands, so I told him I preferred rings that were simple and not too big or flashy. I thought he might ask me to marry him last Christmas, or maybe New Years; but he didn't. Around 11 months ago, he planned a romantic weekend getaway and took me to a cabin in the mountains, near a lake. He didn't ask me to marry him then, either. Right before Valentines' Day, he asked me what my ring size was. Valentines' Day came and went. Still no ring. Our one year anniversary came and went with no proposal. The same could be said for numerous romantic dates, for our celebration when I moved to be closer to him, and for my birthday. One thing I know about him is that he is a man who doesn't do anything lightly or without careful consideration, first. I knew he would take his time, before proposing. Though I really wanted to marry him, I was okay with waiting and had come to the conclusion that he would ask me when he was ready, and at a time when I would least expect it. Two weeks before Christmas, New Guy placed two presents for me under the Christmas tree. Neither of them had the appearance of being a box with a ring inside. I was prepared for Christmas to also come and go without a proposal. On Christmas morning, I opened a gift from my daughter. The gift was a surprise announcement that she was pregnant. I was so happy, I didn't even think about the possibility that New Guy might actually get around to asking me to marry him. After that, I opened one of the two gifts from New Guy. It was a thoughtful gift, but it was not an engagement ring. Without giving even the slightest clue, New Guy handed me my second present. From the looks of it, I thought it was probably clothes of some kind. So, I pulled off the wrapping paper and opened the flaps of the box. This is what I saw: And here is my ring: I am so completely in love with New Guy, and I am so happy that we are getting married. We already have an Alaskan cruise booked for our honeymoon and a wedding date set for this summer, right after school gets out. It will be exactly 25 months after our first meeting and 27 months after Kenneth's death. Somehow, that date just seems fitting.

My Kenneth died slowly, bit by bit, for 13 years. We knew he was dying, that he wouldn't have the chance to grow old with me; and he was obsessed with the idea of me finding love again. He could not bear the thought of me spending my life alone, once he was gone. In that last week, he made me promise over and over again that I would try to love again. Strange as it may be, he even described the kind of man he hoped I would find. New Guy and I actually met for the very first time on the two month anniversary of Kenneth's death. Right away, I found him to be an engaging conversationalist, and I knew I wanted to get to know him better. He must have enjoyed talking to me to, because we spent six hours together that day. We spent the next month talking on the phone, texting, and sending email messages back and forth. Five weeks later, we went on a nine hour date and shared our first kiss. Our first few dates were spaced several weeks apart. We didn't want to rush into anything, but our attraction to each other was undeniable. Everything about being together was just easy and natural. Right from the start, we had a certain rhythm in how we interacted with one another. Even in the early months, it felt as though we had known each other our whole lives. When we were together, there was a sense of belonging, that neither of us had ever felt with anyone else. It took us a little while to declare our love for one another. He is not a man to get in a hurry, when it comes to matters of the heart; and I wanted to make sure I was doing the hard work that goes along with grieving (so I could fully commit to our relationship). Fifteen months after Kenneth's death, I moved to be closer to New Guy. Before that, we lived a little over two hours apart. We have now been together for a little over a year and a half, and we cannot get enough of each other. Everywhere we go, we have to be holding hands, or kissing, or touching in some way. We are so in sync with one another, that people who see us together automatically assume we are married. As much as I loved him, life with Kenneth was full of chaos and uncertainty. Life with New Guy is the exact opposite. He has a certain calmness and peacefulness about him, which is exactly what I needed, after all those years of turmoil. He is a steady rock, and I love that about him. Actually, I love everything about him (except for his severe allergy to dogs, but everyone has his/her faults). Just the very thought of him makes my heart flutter. His touch makes me weak in the knees. When I see him across the room, I cannot help but smile. Each and every day, I am thankful that he is in my life and that he loves me just as much as I love him. He is my everything, and I am so very fortunate that he is mine. Kenneth would be so happy for me, because New Guy is everything Kenneth wanted me to find in a new love.

I've been away from the board in the last month, so I am a bit late reading and responding to this. I just want to say congratulations and to tell you that I am so happy for you.

Christmas Eve 2015, taken on a romantic stroll to enjoy the Christmas lights.

I have been looking at dates, and my schedule is open anywhere from Friday, July 15th through Sunday, July 24th. Would you all rather we schedule the Bago for a weekend (which might be easier for some to attend, but may be a bit more crowded), or would you rather go to Disneyland some time in the middle of the week? If you all can let me know what day works for you, we can set a definite date, so people can start planning to attend. I really, REALLY want to make this happen! I cannot tell you how excited I am that there is interest in my Disneyland Bago idea, and I cannot wait to finally meet some of you!

My Kenneth lived 13 years beyond what doctors thought he would. That was 13 years of hospitalizations, trips to the emergency room, visiting specialists, and nights with little to no sleep. I won't even go into all the time spent just taking care of him, on top of trying to work full time and manage a family. My own personal welfare and needs had to take a back burner to everyone else's needs and taking care of my husband, in a desperate attempt to keep him alive as long as possible. As we have discussed in other topics and threads, extreme caregiving can take a toll on the body and the mind. I am at a point, where I need to take care of my own medical issues and my own personal needs, but I struggle with taking care of me. I have become forgetful and often fail to make doctor appointments or to take medications, as I should. I don't get nearly enough sleep, and I often forget to set aside time relax and focus on my own mental health needs. After years of taking care of someone else, and managing all that needed to be done, I cannot seem to manage my own self. Does anyone else find it difficult to focus on taking care of yourself, for a change, rather than taking care of your spouse?

Southern California, here. I am less than an hour from a variety of theme parks, several lovely beaches, and the wonderful city of LA. Now, if only the weather were warm enough to enjoy them.... :-\

This past month has been completely insane, so I have not had an opportunity to log on for a while. Far too much has happened for me to take the time to share all that's been going on, but I do have a few exciting pieces of news that I would like to share. First of all, I've been suffering from a number of medical issues for quite some time, including debilitating migraines several times a week, daily pain from fibromyalgia, and a severe case of insomnia, among other things. About two weeks ago, I saw a new doctor, who managed to prescribe just the right medication to make the migraines manageable and to allow me at least a few hours of sleep at night. Thankfully, the migraine meds are non-narcotic, which is very important to me, as I do not wish to be drugged up, while teaching. Then, on Christmas day, my daughter and her husband announced that she is pregnant with their very first child! I should mention that the two of them were married last December and have spent the last several years vowing and declaring that they were never having children. Finding out that she is having a baby (and that they are happy about it), was a beautiful surprise. I am so excited and cannot wait to hold "Peanut" when he/she is born. ;D There is one more piece of happy news that I wish to share, but I think I shall save that one for the "Relationships" section of the board. That being said, I have greatly missed all of you, and I am very sorry that I haven't been around to share the joys and sadness of the holiday season with you. Though we have never met in person, you all hold a very special place that is very near and dear to my heart. I am also sorry that I do not have the time to go back and to read your posts from the last month. If I have missed an opportunity to share in the good times, to welcome newcomers, or to support those of you, who have been struggling; I greatly apologize.

I have not had the opportunity to pop in for about a month, so I am late reading this thread. I don't want/mean to highjack things, but I wanted to thank you, anniegirl, for saying this. I have recently been struggling with finding a balance between holding on to my life with Kenneth and moving forward with my New Guy. I just truly needed to "hear" this today. More than anything, I needed to be reminded that it is alright to have a life that does not revolve around my Kenneth, and I needed to be reminded that what I do and say no longer affects him in any way. Again, thank you so very much!

This is my 2nd Christmas, without Kenneth. My life is so different, now. I have New Guy to spend the holidays with; and together, he and I decorated his place, and mine. My children and family are thousands of miles away, so New Guy and I have a quiet holiday planned, with just the two of us. I love how peaceful things are with him. Still, I think of my Kenneth each and every day, and I miss his exuberance over the holidays. I've reached a point, though, where missing him is no longer front and center. Thoughts of him are more nostalgic and sentimental; and I can take quiet moments to reflect on my life with him, without the grief completely taking over. There are times when I shed a few tears, but I am no longer immobilized and racked with grief from missing him.

Breakfast was always my favorite meal of the day. When my Kenneth died, I couldn't bear the thought of food. Taking the advice of wiser widows/widowers than I, I would at least eat a banana or drink a protein shake. Twenty-one months later, I am still obsessed with protein shakes, but I often add grits, cereal, oatmeal, a boiled egg, fruit, or other nutritious food item. Generally, I try to make sure that breakfast is something relatively quick and painless to prepare. Saturdays is my one exception.New Guy and I often go out for breakfast on Saturdays, and I generally go for the unhealthy bacon, pancakes, sausage, biscuits and gravy, omelettes, etc. It's probably a good thing that we generally hit the gym on Saturdays, too. Otherwise, our Saturday morning excursions would seriously destroy my waistline.

I love this quote, and find there is a great truth in the words. I may steal this from you, for future reference.

Looks like I will not only be decorating my place this year, but I will be helping New Guy decorate his, as well. I could be wrong, but I think decorating his place will be more fun, since there will be two of us doing the decorating. We shall see.