lcoxwell

The week leading up to the one year anniversary of Kenneth's death, I took time to remember his final days by posting a daily remembrance in the 6-12 months timeline. There was a transition between the old YWBB shutting down and a temporary site for a few days and then landing here, so my posts ended up in three different places. I have to admit, the transition was really hard on me and I spent much of that week frantically trying to save old posts, while knowing there wouldn't be time; and I spent much of that week crying pitifully into the wee hours of the night. On the day of the anniversary, I decided to not make a big deal out of the day. I went to work, as usual, then stopped by his grave on the way home. I spent time with just the two of us, since that's how we had spent most of our time together. I talked to him. I cried. I told him how very much I loved and missed him. Then, I went home and ate a quiet dinner with my son. It wasn't grandiose, and it wasn't anything special, but it was fitting and it would have suited the man he was.

While I honestly have no great words of wisdom or any suggestions on how to deal with any of this, as much as I wish I had them, I did want you to know that I can empathize. I have been in similar shoes, and I know how much this has got to be hurting you, right now. Although there isn't much I can say or do, I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and that I hope things will improve for you soon.(((Hugs)))

I am so excited that there is actual interest in doing this! Yay!

While I have not remarried, New Guy and I have been together for almost a year and a half (How is it possible that my Kenneth has been gone long enough for me to say that?), and our eventual plan is to get married. That being said, without a doubt, I know that I am a far better partner, now, than I have ever been; and sometimes, I feel really guilty about that. Truthfully, I made more mistakes, than I would care to count, in my marriage to Kenneth. Though it pains me to admit, I wasn't always the wife I should have been. In the early years of our marriage, I often took Kenneth for granted; I often argued over stupid, petty things; and I often failed to tell him, or show him, just how much I truly loved him. Sadly, it took him reaching a point, where he had to completely depend on me, for me to truly appreciate all that he and I had. As others noted, I have learned some hard, hard lessons, along the way. Losing Kenneth made me a better person, than I was at one time in my life. It taught me just how short life can be; and it taught me that being able to share love with someone else is a rare and precious gift, which should be treasured. Because of my loss, I have learned to love fully and with complete abandon. When it comes to expressing my love, I hold nothing back. I never, ever want New Guy to doubt, even for moment, that I love him with my whole heart. Never again, do I want to look back on my life and say that I should have done more to make my love known or felt. If I were to be completely honest, I would have to admit that there were times, when I sat by Kenneth's grave and thanked him for teaching me what true love is; and there were times, when I sat, tears streaming down my face, apologizing for not telling him and showing him just how much I loved him, and for not loving him as much as I could have. If I were to be completely honest, I would have to admit that I am sorry Kenneth didn't get to see the woman I am today, because he deserved to be loved just as fully as New Guy; and I regret that he wasn't.

While I can only imagine how difficult this all must be for you, I wanted to say that I would agree on focusing solely on your professional accomplishments and achievements, at least when writing your paper. We all know that there are times, when it is best to not mention our losses and all that we have struggled to overcome, no matter how much it may hurt to keep it inside. You know what your struggles have been and what you have had to endure. The people in your life, who truly matter, also know. On the other hand, if you were in an interview, and someone directly asked you why you hadn't done certain things, that might be the appropriate time to be honest and to explain about the loss. That would be the time to discuss how your experiences have made you a better teacher, who is able to connect to your students and help them to work through their individual hardships and struggles. There is nothing easy about any of this, but I would have to agree with Torn that your husband would have been proud of you and would have loved you, all the more, for all that you have managed to achieve.

His name was Kenneth, and tonight, I just needed to say it, and to take a moment to remember him.

This was a beautiful post. Thank you so much, for sharing it with us. While reading, I was reminded of the times, when my Kenneth was in the hospital ICU and completely unable to communicate. If he was agitated, though, I could just reach over and hold his hand for a while, and he would settle down. Just knowing that he knew I was there, even when he couldn't verbalize it, and knowing that my presence made a him feel better meant everything to me, during those dark days. Those moments were some of the most cherished moments of our lives together, and not a word was spoken.

I am sorry that you are having to face your birthday alone, and that you do not have your husband there to share it with you. None of this is easy, and it is so unfair that we have to face birthdays and holidays and every other day without the one person we had chosen to spend our lives with. Like others, I hope that you found the days leading up to your birthday were harder than the actual birthday, itself. Even if you didn't, I hope you found time to cherish memories of happier birthdays with your husband and that you could smile, at least once, even if it isn't the same kind of heartfelt smile you had, when he was still there with you. (((Hugs)))

I am so sorry for all that you and your kids have lost out on. Time changes things, but it can never erase all that you shared, and it cannot erase all those moments that he should have been able to share with you, now and in the future. As others have said, it is all so very unfair. (((Hugs)))

Congratulations to you, Melbar! I always rejoice, when I see others on this board sharing happy news, and what you said about being lost for a while really hit home with me. I think I shared that same feeling, for a time. I am glad that you have found a way to carry on and to find happiness, once again. May the two of you have many, many years of love and joy to come.

I am so very sorry you had such a difficult day. Even under normal circumstances, everyone experiences a down day, from time to time. Sometimes, it hits for a reason; and sometimes, there appears to be no reason at all. The added layers of grief, just seems to intensify those days so much more. When I am having one of those days, or seeing others struggling with one of those days, I am reminded of the advice that was given to me, early on: be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to cry, do only what you have to do and let the rest wait for another day. From reading your post, it seems like you did exactly what you needed to. While it may have been hard on your loved ones to see, it is also an important part of the grieving process. Thank you for updating that things are a "bit better". Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

I am joining in on the discussion a little late, since I have not been on the board in about a month and am playing "catch up". Personally, I like having the option to use the like button and do so often. For me, I often use the button, when others have said what I would like to have said, only better. I also use it to show support or to acknowledge that I have read something that someone has written, even if I have not written a response, for whatever reason. There are also times, when I feel like I am posting far too much and get tired of reading my own thoughts, so I may use the like button to give the rest of you a break from reading my posts, as well.

"If you build it, they will come." - Field of Dreams Since I, apparently, live too far away to attend any Bagos, up to this point, I have been feeling as if I have been missing out. A few wise widow/widower friends have advised that, if I want to have a Bago, all I have to do is pick a time and place, tell people to be there, and they will come. With that being said, I would like to propose a Late Spring 2016 Bago, to take place here in sunny California. I was thinking of setting a date for some time in May; and upon the suggestion of the ever-wonderful Jen, I thought it might be fun to plan a Bago for Disneyland (or one of the other popular theme parks in the general area). With that being said, who's in? edited to add: I stole the name from Jen and changed the title of the thread, now that we have an actual date for our DisneylandBago.

It has been a little over a month, or maybe around a month, since my last visit. I have missed you all terribly, but have also found that I no longer feel the need (that I one time had) to be here every single day, and to sometimes be here multiple times throughout the day. My life has reached a point, where things are mostly good. New Guy and I are happy, and I am enjoying my new job, my new "home", and my new life. In this last month, I have also gotten involved in my new church and have less time to be on here. Tonight, I just wanted to stop in and, once again, thank all of you, who have touched my life in such a deeply personal way. I could never have made it through the last 19-1/2 months, without this community and the support you all have given me. You have made an indelible mark on my life, and I cannot ever possibly thank you enough for everything you have done for me. Without a doubt, the people here are some of the finest people I have ever known in my entire life. You are so wonderful and so giving, and I am honored to count you as friends. Thank you, for opening up your lives and sharing your stories, your advice, your encouragement, your wisdom, and your journeys, so that others could read and learn and feel understood. Your words have been an incredible gift, and I just wish I had the right words to truly express all that is in my heart and in my thoughts.

Given that my Kenneth could not have sex for a very long time, before he died, it has now been so long since I had real, actual sex, that I cannot even remember when the last time was. What I need is one really good, mind-numbing, knee-quivering, toe-curling orgasm. For that matter, it's been so long that even one good, old-fashioned, roll in the hay without said orgasm would be good, too. Heck, I would simply just like to "get nekkid" with a man (as my Kenneth would have said). My mother would be appalled that I just said that, if she knew. On the other hand, if Kenneth were able to read it, he would get one really good laugh out of this. ;D

There have been times in my life, in which I dated someone for over two years, and never truly felt that I was in love. Actually, I had that experience with more than just one person. On the other hand, I knew almost immediately that I was very much in love with both my Kenneth and with my New Guy. For those, who do not know, I met my Kenneth on December 18th, and by the end of March, I was moving across the country to be with him. Had my Kenneth had his way, I would have moved even sooner than I did. He and I had only spent one actual week together, at that time. All other communication was via telephone and personal messages on the computer. Most people would have thought we were insane, but we were happy together. Our life wasn't perfect, but it was a good one, and I would go back and do those 13 years again, if I could. New Guy and I started seeing each other very early on. I knew right away that there was something special about him. In less than two months, I knew I was very much in love with him, and he felt the same about me (though we didn't voice our feelings, at first). Unlike my whirlwind relationship with Kenneth, New Guy and I took our time getting to know each other. We talk about getting married, at some point, but we are in no rush to get there, even after dating for over a year and after I moved to be close to him. For now, we are just enjoying the comfortable, easy relationship we have; and we are enjoying being able to see each other during the week and not just on weekends. I agree with others, who brought up how each relationship is different. With some people, it is possible to know very early on, while other relationships may take time to grow and develop. Each of our unique experiences and circumstances have influenced how we approach relationships, now. Some of us are now older and wiser, while others may no longer trust our own judgement. Some of us have learned to jump in with both feet, because we realize just how short life can be and just how precious love is. Others have learned just how short life is and are afraid of facing loss again, in any form, so are afraid to jump in at all. For some, our late spouses were our whole worlds, our soulmates, and our perfect partners. For others of us, we have found this kind of relationship with our new partners. Regardless of your experiences, you have to trust your own judgement; and you have to look at your new relationship with new eyes, because this new relationship will be completely different from any you have ever experienced before.

I am so glad to hear that you had good news! Many, many hugs to you, dear lady. ;D

I so get what you are saying about it seeming that you made up your marriage. This wasn't such an issue, when I was still living in the town that Kenneth and I raised our children in. There were people there, who knew him, or knew of him, and it made talking about him fairly easy. Now, since I moved, there is no one who knew my Kenneth. The people here know that I am dating and associate me with New Guy, so if I talk about my husband, I get strange looks. If I preface it with saying, "My late husband....", then I get the looks of pity. Without the ability to talk of Kenneth freely, unless I go into explanations, it does seem that my life with him is less real, if that makes sense.

Okay, I seriously have no useful thoughts to add to this conversation, but reading your post reminded me of a bit of twisted humor and a pretty good laugh, my Kenneth and I had, at one point in time. There was a time, when we were discussing having him cremated, so I could keep his ashes with me, in case I decided to move back to NC. A few minutes later, Kenneth brought up to topic of me dating again. Out of nowhere, he told me that, if I chose to bring a man over and invite him into my bed, I had better remember to stick him in the closet, first. He said he didn't want to see me "doing the nasty" (his words) with some other man. I just have to smile, every time I think about it. Correction, I do have one thing to add to the conversation. For what it is worth, I decided to get rid of my bed, the one in which Kenneth and I had shared for our entire relationship, the one we spent have of our lives in (because he was bed bound for so many years), and the one he died in, when I recently moved. I wanted to start a new life, in a new place, without all the "things" that tied me to Kenneth and my life with him. It was one of the smartest things I ever did, but it was a heartbreaking moment, when I looked at it that last time.

I think I am fortunate, in that my Kenneth expressed (many times over) that he wanted me to actively pursue trying to find love again, once he was gone. He made it clear, not only to me, but also to his entire family and mine. So, when I found my New Guy VERY early on, I truly made no efforts to hide it and felt no guilt, whatsoever, at least not for dating. Sometimes, I do feel guilty that my relationship with New Guy is so much better and so much easier than my marriage was, and I feel guilty for being so much more open and expressive with the love I share with New Guy. The truth is, people are going to judge you, no matter what you do, so you have to look within and do what you feel is right for you. Only you can truly judge if it is too soon. For what it is worth, I say go for it! If, in the process, you find you weren't as ready as you thought you were, you can always take a step back. On the other hand, if you sit around, just waiting for something to fall in your lap, you could spend a very long time being lonely.

I haven't been to any weddings, where they start weeding people out to see who has been married the longest, but I have somewhat dealt with this in other settings. It always tears me apart, to know that I will never be a part of the couple, who can say they have been married longer than anyone else in the room. I will admit, that thought has brought me to tears, far more often than I would care to share.

This resonated with me, today. I think I was doing the whole "torturing myself" thing last night, and for what? That only leaves me feeling far worse, and doesn't bring any kind of comfort or solace at all. ANYWAY, no great words of wisdom here. I just wanted you to know I understand. (((Hugs)))

I have no helpful comment to add, here, but I now have a new appreciation for the fact that I live thousands of miles away from anyone who would care to give advice in my family/circle of friends. AND, I have now cut off ties with Kenneth's family, who are a few hours away, so I don't have to worry about advice from anywhere. ;D

First Widow....I am so sorry that you had a reason to join us, but I am glad that you found us. Coming to this site to read and to post has been instrumental in my ability to work through much of the grieving process. You won't find a better group of people than these, anywhere.

New Guy and I have had a number of conversations about this very issue, throughout the planning of my recent move and getting settled into my new place close to him. Thankfully, New Guy is open and honest about his feelings, which I appreciate. From his perspective, he would not expect me to get rid of all the pictures of Kenneth, whether they be pictures of Kenneth alone, of Kenneth with the family, or of just Kenneth and me. At the same time, he says it would bother him, if I had the pictures covering the walls and placed out in plain site all over the place. Since I moved, I have transferred many of the pictures into photo albums or boxed them up, so that I can pull them out and look at them, should I want to, but also out of respect for New Guy, so that he feels comfortable, when he comes over. The way I look at it, my Kenneth is gone and nothing can be said or done to bring him back. New Guy is here, right in front of me, and is just as deserving of my love and devotion. So, rather than fill my new place with pictures of Kenneth, I have plans to start decorating my new place with pictures from my new life with my New Guy.