rifatheroffour

The grief of our children is even harder to take than that of our own at times. Beautiful, sweet and painful picture.

Lmsmdm, that is so funny....I LOVE the Muppets especially that piece. Wishing I could go to this as well but I can't do dinner time

Thank you all for your thoughts the day did get better and today has been busy so I am sufficiently distracted. Sometimes it just helps to type it all out instead of holding it all in all the time.

I just need to vent a little and feel like there is no where else to turn to. I know I have many of you who I could call but you also know its just not the same as reaching for a hug right next to you when everything seems so bleak even if its just in the moment and in reality it isn't really THAT bad. I fell asleep on the couch last night while texting a friend who is having a difficult day today. I woke up to realize I've not been good at keeping in touch lately with those friends that have been there for me. I had a profile up on a dating site and had a few conversations then suddenly radio silence. Is it something I said, or was I not responsive enough? Could be...but why? Am I still just not ready? Or am I still stuck on someone else I had a brief and uplifting 2 months with. I just did not want to get out of my bed this morning and only did when my son said he had to be at school early today and could I make his lunch...the endless responsibility of being a solo parent is so daunting at times. At 2.5 years in and seeing I have another 5 to go till the kids are through high school is sobering. It crushes my desire to move forward with my own life, I do not resent the kids, I simply see the long road and some days like today it seems endless. With this start to my day I found my self sitting in her rocking chair, legs pulled up tight and then it hits me this is where I spent many hours that first week in hell. God I miss her and having someone to just share and decompress with. I got an email from the Crisis Team at the high school while rocking. It said a member of the school family was killed in a car accident last night and that counselors would be availabe today...no other details! A student? A staff member? Do my kids know them? How will this affect them? My senior is doing so much better so far after a dismal junior year, will this set him back? So many freaking questions and my right hand is not here to work through this with me. Of course if she were here I'd have been at work already and would not realize how potentially devastating this news could be...ignorance...I have lost that innocence. To be able to go about life and not have other's tragedies trigger such intense feelings, I wish I could be there again. As I contemplate this post I was just told that she is a senior, but my son didn't really know her...I am relieved for his sake which makes me feel a bit shameful. No one should have to be going through this, but why not I did. Ten minutes ago this triggered a deep cry that I had not felt in months and suddenly it seems not to matter so much...

Went on a 7 mile hike today with my daughter's girl scout troop. Then dinner with all my kids, my oldest came home from college for the weekend. Now we are eating underbaked brownies with sparklers and a fire in the back yard pit.

I don't know what to say...other than I get it. Last night I talked to her telling her all the things I missed like it was yesterday and so long ago. Active grieving is an interesting concept that comes and goes these days...more often goes but still gets you when it's here.

Mikeeh, You know your son better than anyone. You say he is a good kid. Do you trust him? Has he earned your trust by his actions to date? Do you know and trust his friends? Seems to me this is an opportunity for you to confirm your expectations directly with him. To call you with no questions asked if he needs help because others made bad choices etc. I went to my first concert with my younger brother when I was 17, I drove into New Haven, CT to a Jethro Tull concert. We survived. I let my now 18 year old drive to NH from RI at 17 but it was clear that this was his responsibility to keep the trust he earned. Next up #2 who is now 17 and when the time comes that he wants to do something exercising his responsibilty i'll have the same discussion. We all know we cant shelter them from all the evils in the world.

I am turning in finally...spent the evening at the races with 11 boy scouts and three other leaders. Then when I got home I packed a bag for a bouldering / rock climbing excursion I am going on with a friend in the morning. Guess I should get some sleep.

This exactly! And welcome back. I'm in love with a dead woman but hope to find a live one too! Variety...lol!

I am so sorry, yes these challenges alone are awful. The only thought I have is what would you have done if Alex were here? Go with your gut feelings say a prayer for her and you can survive this.

Damn...with kids I won't be able to make this one...but I concur completely Bagos and the friendships they have helped to cement have been the most buoying part of this whole misadventure called widowhood.

TS, Throw the pack AWAY...

I've had to make therapy for my oldest mandatory when he was taking all his anger out on us. It has helped and now he even schedules his own appointments when he needs to vent or work something out.

Numbers are odd that way. I can't decide these days if it's communication from beyond or pure happenstance. My wife died 1/13/13. 13 shows up all over for us. Twice it was the number of my son's participation order in a school function. On one mothers day my oldest ordered a sandwich at Dunkin, which he never does, my daughter noticed it was a #13, then our bill that morning was $13.13. Our big European trip last year had 13 family members attending. Most recently I dropped my son off at college. I took some photos to send to the family and when I had some time I sent out the mass email. 20 minutes later my SIL texts me asking if I intentionally sent the email at 1:13pm or 13:13 hours military time. Um no I did not...

I completely understand...same place most days.

I'm so sorry...I remember meeting her she was so gentle for such a big dog.

Echoing the you are not crazy sentiments. 8 to 10 months seemed so much worse for me...it may have been the impending holidays as well but I had some of my worst days back then. They do get better...

Good morning...after dinner I crashed pretty hard...a good night's sleep more or less. I hope that will help along with the words of encouragement I got last night before I fell asleep and those that I woke to. Yes, this is hard, and I know I'm not alone out there despite how it feels sometimes. I liken this experience to having an allergy. I ate this bitter pill yesterday and by the end of the day my body just threw it up because it knows keeping is down isn't healthy. I feel better for now but the real trick will be figuring out how to better avoid that bitter pill going forward. I know I'll encounter it again but hopefully each time I do a better job rejecting the bitterness and find another way out. I do carry a lot and maybe that is part of the problem. I have always been the put together one that everyone depends on to get things done. Little do they know how much that ability has diminished over the last three years since Fal took her turn for the worse. I need to find the way to shed some of the unreasonable responsibilities I feel compelled to carry...as I type this a huge thunderstorm is rolling in, heavy wind and rain, rolling thunder and spectacular lightening...a good cleansing of the earth, I could use some of this myself. As I review some of the events of yesterday I realize it wasn't all bad. I worked my way through two machine problems at work that I have in the past had to rely on others to fix, that made me feel good. Within minutes of my "allergic" reaction to life I had friends reaching out to me. I had a good and deep conversation with my oldest son about life. Had a fun time exploring my third son's sense of self and strength as he challenged (positively) his father...I still can hold my own! So I need to focus more on these positives that are out there if I look for them. Thanks for everything...while I hate this club and it's mere existence I can't imagine how I would have survived any of the last two and a half years that I've been in it without all of you. Ok well time to get moving...another day of fun approaches...just got three calls. This storm that I enjoyed just took a tree down on three of my tenants cars, is blocking my production managers route to get to work and I got a call that power is out at work. Yipee it's so much fun to be me! In the grand scheme at least I can recognize these are trivial issues...others can't seem to do that so well.

So this is just a temper tantrum...feel free to read no further. Work sucks...far too behind and no drive to get caught up. Don't want to make dinner anymore, just too damn much work. I'm not really hungry anyway, but what kind of example is that to set for my kids? A woman in my office just got engaged this weekend, after being divorced for 15 years. I'm having a hard time feeling excited for her! Which is really crappy of me. My daughter is now babysitting for the kids of her old babysitter, the girl or now woman who Fal was like a second mother to...this is hard to take, reminding me how much my daughter has lost. A woman I could love finds herself uninterested in loving anyone... I am almost ready to say to hell with my moral compass and why not find a FWB? (I know that is probably just a mood talking) I am crying harder this afternoon than I have in 8 months...just feeling overwhelmed. I feel guilty for not having the time to do everything I THINK I should, spending more quality time with the kids, being more productive at work, being more involved with posting and supporting others on this site, just being there for friends. I HATE THE LIFE I HAVE BEEN LEFT WITH AND DON"T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT! I am so F#&^!$@ tired all the time. I would not be upset if I suddenly found myself terminally ill, only my kids keep me from wishing for it. I read about others 5, 6, 9 years out and still feeling like this and it terrifies me that I may be the same...going through life just because I have to... And I know this is in contrast to a relatively good weekend doing something I enjoyed, spending time outside working with scouts and genuinely feeling happy but it was just an escape from the reality...it's coming back into reality that slaps me so hard every time. Well it's out, I've almost deleted this a few times, but I guess venting is something I don't do often and have few places that I can, other than with you all. Admitting some of this is very hard for me as I have always been the eternal optimist. Always painting a rosy picture for others. We even did this when Fal, DW, was ill and I now wish we had been more honest with ourselves and others sometimes. This life has shaken that core of optimism and I rarely like to admit that. You all give me more hope and strength than I get a chance to let you know, thank you. Guess I should head home and make some dinner...

When?

((((((Maureen))))))

My first Bago was shortly after I joined the site. I was 5 months out when I found YWBB and the bago section called to me. I knew meeting others could be a healthy thing. It was July and we met for pizza at an outdoor pizza place a few towns over from where I live. It was small and quiet, Hikermom, Yaya and I. They were both at or near a year so I was the "young" one. We had (Ok well I know I did) a very nice chat over dinner, some tears for me since it was the first time I shared my story with anyone in person that I didn't really know. I also sat in the car, as I was early, wondering what the heck I was doing meeting for dinner with people I really didn't know. My kids wondered the same thing. It was one of the best post widowhood decisions I have ever made. That bago was followed in September by one of the CT Winery bagos where I met the internationally famous Maureen, and have been lucky to have met her and many others numerous times since in groups anywhere from 2 to 32, NY and PA to MA and NH. I'm not as widely circulatory as Maureen! But I have even hosted a small and uneventful bago at home( ) and consider myself lucky to have been able to do so. The last CT Winery bago I even shared my wife's story with someone new and made it through without tears. Another wid even noticed this and commented on it to me later. Funny thing is I was aware of it myself and to know that someone else cared enough to notice made me feel like maybe I was heading in the right direction, thanks to all of you out there. Bago's have been a blessing for me to be able solidify some really great friendships along this journey with those who understand what we go through each day we struggle to rebuild our lives. I look forward to each and every one that I can get myself to.

This is clearly widda brain fodder, should or could be in a confession thread and clearly a bad parent thing...so I'll fess up here... My kids are all away for the week, the two oldest driving from RI to VA. I am finally catching up on paperwork last night and what do I find? The letter from DMV telling me to renew my registration...in JUNE...for which car? Oh, the one that has four teenagers driving into the south with New England licence plates! The registration is now renewed, thank goodness for online registration and a copy of the receipt has been emailed to my son's smart phone. Only technology saved my ass on this one and the fact that my son is not a bad driver since they left on Saturday/Sunday and it is now Tuesday. I used to be so on top of things...not so much anymore...sigh!

DebW, I am sorry for your loss. My wife died suddenly even though she had been ill for a while, we were trying to get on a transplant list and things went bad faster than expected. My kids all refused counseling as well. About a year later my oldest began to lash out with anger issues and I forced the issue he went to see someone for a couple months and it has helped, he continues to go occasionally when his anger begins to seep out again. For her sake find a way to insist she goes even if it is for a limited time, try 4 or 5 sessions and if you don't think it helps you can stop kind of thing. If you see improvements yourself be prepared to try and re-enforce the positive so she can see it as well. Good luck and hugs to you.

I am rarely physically alone, having four kids will do that. When I am I find it very odd and am not sure what to do with myself at times. Sorry you are having one of those nights.