rifatheroffour

I can't add much more to all above other than to agree wholeheartedly.

Ok, so I could not come up with a better title...in essence this is a vent/share/WTF post. My youngest brother and I are not the closest, we get along fine, are friendly but just don't share much. He lives 5 hours away has much younger children etc etc. My wife was not happy with him and some really insensitive things he said once and it just made us more distant. He and I are in the same industry and have some business dealings so we sort of keep in touch that way as well. Today he told me he hadn't been blowing me off but he has just not been feeling well the last 6 to 8 weeks. He was born with only one functioning lung which only gave him any real problems when he lived at a higher altitude for a short while. In fact that was how they discovered it when he was in his twenties. So he is now suddenly been dizzy and short of breath to the point that he couldn't get up the other day. While he told me this he also said not to tell our parents, he is planning to see a doctor soon and did not want to worry them. I work with my parents everyday. My wife died from lung disease! This has me freaked out to say the least and no one to share it with. I sent an email to my wife's pulmonary specialist in Boston asking for a referral to someone in my brothers area. I was not sure he would remember us from 2012, his very quick and kind email assured me he remembers her often and is still sad about what happened. DAMN this sucks, I'm now in tears and worried and my mind just races to the worst possible conclusions. Thanks, just needed to get that out because I can't share very many places and if I do I won't keep it together.

PJ, I am missing the exact opposite of what you are missing...

Helen, I know you asked for advice but I do not have any insights for you other than to let you know I understand why this could be upsetting. I have not gotten to 25 yet, did 19 through 21 alone. I would not be surprised if my four kids wanted to do something for me in four years and I am also not sure how I would appreciate it.

First, of course you can vent and ask for help here, your are widowed and a parent, it's not a "Children who lost a parent" site. Not being able to ask for help here would be like saying "you were only engaged so you don't belong here". So, my thoughts... I have four children 5 years apart, generally they do get along and I don't have major issues between them. There has definitely been rivalry at times and my kids do fight occasionally and #1 and #3 don't see eye to eye most of the time. I've seen toys and other stuff thrown etc, even occasionally still in their teens. But I have to agree with Pammy, "you mentioned this child wants to hurt animals and other children, that raises SUBSTANTIAL red flags and goes to the overall mental state of this child." I would agree some sort of intervention is needed and possibly therapy of some sort if the parents are not able to stop this through everyday discipline. Also wishing you good luck...

I think it is safe to put Maureen down for brining chocolate

That's not a fair question...I guess I'll have to go with sweet candy In the vein of unfair questions... Warm chocolate brownie or frozen chocolate chocolate fudge icecream?

Spent the day working at our scout camp rebuilding a road and then in the back yard with new edging around the back mulch bead and fire pit. Nice shower and then homemade bacon egg and cheese sandwich for dinner. Watching Jurassic Park with 3 out of 4 kids and reading board in between.

Sorry about that in a similar situation...Monday I got a letter from the ambulance company that took my wife the day she died, 2 and a half years ago. I assume its some sort of statement. I marked it as deceased and sent it back unopened.

I feel exactly the same way... anything related to losing a spouse or the things a widow/er deals with or kids losing a parent and I am emotionally there... everything else seems petty and I just can't get worked up. Glad to hear that it may get better in time. I really do feel bad that I can't empathize very well with most things anymore.

Ginger, thank you for posting thoughts about your Jim. Even at only 2.5 years I understand what you mean about others not talking much about our spouses. At least we have this outlet. Hope today is gentle on you, Rudi

I completely agree with this. A good trade can be just as rewarding and lucrative as going to college. If you are smart you can turn a trade into a business. It is after all just another form of higher education that may not focus so much on books. As long as they have some sort of plan I would completely support my kids not going to college. But they will have to have a plan other than sit at home all day, they must engage on some level and become self sufficient. You don't have to have the newest car, biggest house and vacation in exotic lands to have a meaningful life.

SVS, that's a very generous and positive attitude you have. I have yet to attend a wedding since her death, there have been three in the family and my IL's are trying to plan a group cruise to celebrate theirs, I don't like cruises and don't really have the extra money right now to bring 5 of us (me and the 4 kids). I'm beginning to think my issues with the anniversaries are more about anger than anything else. Anger that I won't get there, that she is gone and it just isn't fair on so many levels. I know life isn't fair but still it makes me angry. So maybe I can, like you, find a way to at least not be angry and distracting with my own emotions for their sake. I do have a year sill, who knows how I will by then. But thank you for the different perspective.

I'm sorry... just offering understanding. My second son, a junior is in danger of failing three classes, English, physics and biology. He also was evaluated earlier this year for learning/focus issues and turns out to be in the 99th percentile for comprehension so he's not stupid! I have yet to find anything that truly motivates him as well. I am hoping this summer to try and get through to him. He tried counseling but should really try again. I. completely understand the frustration but we can't live their lives for them so we just do the best we can to encourage them. Again no answers for you but I get it. Hoping the light bulb clicks on for her sake and your sanity eventually.

I'm sitting working on paperwork with Netflix in the background. My phone buzzes, an email. From..."IL surname" family children & grand...subject "SURPRISE! 50th Wedding Anniversary You're invited! SURPRISE" I didn't even open the email and I was overcome with tears. Why? Because I dread both my IL's and my parents 50th wedding anniversaries coming up in 2016. The real kicker...the invite was from my wife's cousin for her aunt and uncle, same last name just married one year earlier...false alarm. I guess I have a preview of how I'll feel next year...sigh.

Safe travels my friend...

funny I was having thoughts about this today as I was doing yard work and enjoying it but realized I will have to interrupt what I want to do to deal with kid stuff...you know like feeding them etc. and then I realize how ridiculous and silly I sound. it could be so much worse, I am actually pretty lucky...sigh.

I just finished moving rocks around and rebuilt the fire pit with the kids. Going to cleanup a bit find some food and sit in front of the fire. S'mores later with the neighbors and their 3 little kids whom my kids adore.

I have to completely agree with this!!! And TS, nothing is crazy as far as ashes spreading. Consider yourself "lucky" to know exactly what he wanted done with them...I'm totally guessing on my end, 6 locations so far and one more major one to go but who knows where the rest will end up.

And this is why men get a bad rap...idiot! (just shaking my head)

me too...and that still brings tears to my eyes...I really want to find it again, I fear it is elusive...but am hopeful.

Thank you for the responses I don't know what drives me these days but I guess it's better than accomplishing nothing... although today seems harder to motivate myself than usual... oh well onward we all must go.

...go to work today, but I must. I am just in a don't really care about much place this morning. Not sad or mad, just don't care. Consequences seem meaningless after what I have lost and that scares me. It is not the person I was. I want to care but everything seems so out of my control and I am not used to that. Ugh...I need to go shower and get to work... just needed someone to listen, thanks...

I have been on a mission to clean and clear my house, my life, whatever you want to call it. I began about four weeks ago with clearing through the crap life deposited in my garage over the last 10 years. This made room for me to clear through the other mountain of crap that remodeling left me in a storage container for the last 12 months. I have now spent the last 18 days clearing through stuff in the house. Attic space, spare bedroom, upstairs hallway, armoires, boxes in the basement...you get the picture. Since three days after the funeral her ashes have been set neatly on my dresser with pictures cards etc. We have taken some of those ashes to spread in various places that were important to us and the kids. Monday night I finally decided how to move the rest of her. I had started with moving her religious Hindu icons/temple display to a windowed display cabinet in the refinished common area of the basement. I put some of the ashes into her travel box that we take ashes in when planning to spread them. I put that and another large portion of her ashes in a large wooden Bombay Co. Memory box she had gotten for me years ago and that is now on the shelf above the temple display. I also had a large hand made wooden music box. I put the last portion of her ashes in it to put on the mantle in the living room with one of her eagles perched on it...If you didn't know it was there you would not realize what it is. I think she would appreciate that, she was never one to look for the spotlight. Until late last night no one had commented or noticed. My oldest came into my room last night and immediately asked where the ashes went, so one down three to go. I had done it after everyone was in bed. Not sure if the others have been in my room and seen the cleared and redecorated dresser. And not sure anyone noticed the music box under the eagle that had already been there. I actually accomplished all that without tears... Last night I took down our framed wedding invitation, a needle point that was a wedding present with date etc, some collage frames of us from our wedding etc...so the bedroom is becoming mine not ours. Why am I doing this I have no bloody idea! But it just feels ok to do, so I will run with it. Now the hardest part might be clearing the last couple drawers and chests in our room that have yet to be dealt with...they contain momentos, the last few pairs of her underwear(I know, wierd), a neglegie that she wore for some photos when she was hugely pregnant with our daughter, etc etc...ugh! But good...

Q & BH2...exactly the same thought lines...