SoVerySad

I'm so very sorry, SailorGirl. Sending you tight hugs of support...

Add me to the list as well.

Okay, I hadn't planned to post an update to my post as it is rather embarrassing, but I have been encouraged to do so to hopefully give some of you a laugh. I'm very glad I decided to have my nephew check out the situation for me, as opposed to calling the maintenance dept.. It turns out that one of my cats apparently peed on the power strip box my TV, etc. was plugged into, which caused the breaker to shut off, etc.. I was mortified. It is a mystery, though, because we couldn't figure out how it happened as the entertainment center is really close to the wall and the power strip was tucked behind it. I can't see how any of the cats could have fit themselves back there, so we have surmised one of them must have backed up and somehow sprayed back in there. Ugh!! I'm hoping that loud popping sound scared the cat enough to ensure no repeat attempts. I have 4 cats (yes, approaching crazy cat lady status), so I have no idea which one of them did it or more importantly why?? Thankfully I just needed to get a new power strip and all is working fine again. Just in time for The Walking Dead tonight.

Suki1, I love those "Dear Kitten" videos as well. Very funny!

I'm checking son's schoolwork. French Revolution, Napoleon, etc.. My daughter is sleeping over at a friend's house. We did actually go out to dinner tonight with my nephew and his fianc?. It was really nice and yummy. Still not in pj's, but now that you've reminded me, I'm breaking to get more comfortable.

Okay, that was just bizarre, yet entertaining. I love how all the animals act as if it is a normal everyday occurrence. I've thought about getting a Roomba, but I figured my cats would be terrified of it. I hadn't considered they could actually terrify with it. Thanks for sharing the video. I must share with my kids. Marian, my cats clean under my beds for me. Actually it is more that they are a notification system that it is time to clean under them again. Especially the black one, as the dust really shows on him.

TS, we need to catch up with each other this weekend if we can. I was just looking into the 504 plan issue today for T. C has had an IEP since elementary school. Memorizing the math facts were an issue for him as well, yet he never got less than 100% on a spelling test. Just the way his brain is wired. Maureen is right about accommodations vs specialized instruction. Here is a video I found earlier today explaining the difference: https://www.understood.org/en/school-learning/special-services/504-plan/video-whats-the-difference-between-an-iep-and-a-504-plan C also had fine motor issues that impacted his writing (although we determined visual-spatial issues were impacting it as well). He did have OT services in elementary school. Hopefully we can talk. I really do agree it is best to get this set up while she's in elementary vs further along the way. Getting C approval to use a calculator was no small feat, but persistence pays off.

Thank you for responding, MissingJoan. I was all set to actually check this out myself today when my nephew texted asking if he could stop by to visit tomorrow. So, I'm going to wait and have him check it out with me. I'm surviving without the TV downstairs for now, which is an accomplishment for me as I watch a lot of TV since my husband died. Mostly I think it is for the noise. The quiet seems so loud right now. Thank you, again.

I'm so sorry for all the heartache you've been going through. It sounds like you tried very hard to fix a problem that could only be fixed by him. I'm sorry he didn't find a way to do so. His family is surely devastated, just as you are. It is very unfortunate they are lashing out by blaming you when his actions were not your fault. Sending you tight, tight hugs...

Thank you all. Rob, your post made me smile. Unfortunately no drinking for me due to medication issues, however I do have a Xanax prescription that I rarely take the full prescribed amount of. MrsDan, my husband also taught me to drive. He was so awesome at it. Stayed so calm, etc. It is so sad he can't be here to teach our kids. We've already established that I am not the best person to actually teach them while they're driving. I admit that. I'm planning on using the driving school first, and then have an uncle and two nephews lined up to help out. I hope that will work, though, because I noted the paperwork doesn't just say a licensed driver, it says it must be a parent. I have to check further into that. TS, I may take you up on that. It would be an excuse to get together as well. Thanks to the rest of you who let me know I'm not alone in this stressful situation and decision-making. Please let me know how your kids are making out (and you are handling it).

Thank you all for your responses. Klim, actually my son did not want to get his driver's license until after our car crash last year. He felt like it was too much responsibility. I wasn't able to drive for 6 weeks after and it was really tough finding rides for anything we needed to do. I believe that my son now feels he needs to take on the responsibility, so we wouldn't be in that situation again. His counselor feels it would be okay to get him started on the written testing portion, but cautioned me that he feels there is a good likelihood both kids will have a delayed response about the accident when they actually start driving themselves. It wasn't a small fender bender. My van was demolished, my daughter had to be cut out of the van, taken by ambulance to the hospital without me, they had to cut her clothes off in the ambulance, son was backboarded and sent by ambulance with me, etc.. It was pretty traumatic for all of us. My daughter was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder/depression, so she needs some more time to get that under control before I would feel she's ready to drive. I'm really looking for ways now to help prepare myself for when I think they might be ready. I've been pointing things out as we've been driving for over a year now - things to watch, etc.. Serpico, I have many irrational fears, but the possibility of a car accident isn't irrational really. The night of our crash I was doing everything exactly as I should have and I have almost 35 years of safe driving experience under my belt. There was no time for me to respond to the drunk driver's swerve into my lane. Having since become involved with MADD, the statistics are pretty daunting. I'm headed to our state legislature next month to meet with our reps about improving the laws here which are not nearly strict enough. Our crash happened at 6:30 pm, not late at night when my kids would normally be home. When you've had an experience happen to you, it becomes harder to look at likelihood statistics in the same way you may have before. That is why I'm in counseling for the PTSD, but it isn't an easy thing to just stop your fear. I wish it was. I do concur I need to keep working on it. Our school no longer offers driver's ed, but I can take them to a driving school in a neighboring town, which I plan to do. I think the input from their instructors will be helpful. I transport my kids to school (I know how some of you feel about that being ridiculous, but we all make our own choices based on what we feel is best for our kids/situation.) When I see how recklessly some of the kids who drive to and from school drive, it makes me want to make them wait even longer. But I don't think my kids will drive like that. On a related note, my daughter told me yesterday that one of her teachers told her class that if their parents really care about them, they won't let them drive until they are forty. At least she's seen another adult who recognizes the concern I have. Please keep the suggestions coming.

TS, of course what you went thru 3 years ago was worse than this, so you can handle a lot. You are also 3 full years more exhausted now from all you've been doing since, on top of the exhaustion you had built up from caring for your husband during his illness. I hope you have a great time at the concert and come back more refreshed and guilt-free for taking the needed time for you!!

I wish I had seen this earlier. I would have called. I'm sending you my love and support. I hear you saying you are getting nowhere. That is such a difficult part of this all. Just know that while it feels like you're getting nowhere, it is very impressive what you've managed to do - the life you've kept going and your devotion to M. I know that in pictures on facebook, etc. we can hide our actual feelings behind the masks we've become accustomed to wearing most of the time. But the pictures of M smiling so beautifully and having fun are real. You are making that happen. What sucks so much is having to struggle and expend so much energy just to maintain things. There isn't a payoff feeling of having reached "success" for all our efforts. But I think our definition of "success" needs to be redefined for the alternate world we now live in. We didn't get to lay a foundation or plan ahead for this one. We were just cast into it, like being thrown overboard off a ship. Keeping afloat amidst the unending waves is a major accomplishment. Holding up a child while doing so even more so. Yes, a respite to regroup would be wonderful. It seems like any time we take to do so ends up putting us behind with all our responsibilities. There is no one to fill in for us to give us an actual respite. I wish I could help you more. I have no answers, but I do believe you have started your way on a path to a better, happier, more fulfilling future. I'm cheering you on from the sidelines and hoping it all comes together for you as soon as possible. Love and tight hugs...

So, I've always been pretty overprotective of my kids, but it has gone into overdrive since my husband died. I am so worried about something happening to one or both of them, too. I have been working really hard to not be too restrictive. I actually have been doing fairly well with allowing them to go places, etc.. Of course, they have no idea how much it costs me in stress and worry, but that is my issue and I don't want to make it theirs. Anxiety has been an ongoing issue for me. Anyone else struggling with this have any tips? Right now my big struggle is they both are old enough to drive now. (Yikes!!!) In addition to my normal fears over that big step, last year we were in a really serious car crash - hit head on by a drunk driver. Left me with PTSD, which I'm working to get a handle on. This step, getting them ready to drive, is just one step I can't deal with at all. Their friends are all starting to get their permits, etc.. I feel like I'm really letting them down. I just don't know how to get past this fear.

smm, I am so intrigued by the horse prints on the outside of your windows. Do your horses come look into the windows of your house? Are you speaking of nose prints or actual footprints? I love horses - find them so beautiful. Alas I'm afraid of heights so never really enjoyed riding, but I do enjoy loving on them.

Windows every 2 weeks? You ladies rock!! I'm pretty sure my grandmother who raised me is looking down on me in horror and wondering if I've forgotten everything she ever taught me about housekeeping. I remember that we used to iron sheets and pillow cases growing up. I don't even iron my clothing very often any more (but I do have a steamer I use, as well as the dewrinkling spray). My husband usually did the ironing as he was better at it. In my pursuit to get every single wrinkle, I tend to press new ones in. I bow to your window cleaning commitment!!

KT, you are not a terrible person. I literally just had this conversation with another wid about feeling guilty about still feeling so miserable when we have so many blessings. I think it is really imperative to break it down as the two emotions - feeling grateful and being miserable - aren't mutually exclusive in the crazy life of widowhood. Of course, you love your children as much as you ever have, perhaps even more. They hold such a precious space in your life. But we can't pretend that we haven't also experienced great loss that we need to grieve- the loss of our spouses who also held their own precious space in our lives. I'm further out than you are as you know. I have beaten myself up so many times for feeling just as you wrote. Why am I still feeling so broken when I have so much to be thankful for, particularly my kids who have always been so very precious to me? I have learned that I have had to let the guilt over that issue go. My feelings are my feelings. Period. I have to feel them and process them. I wish I didn't have to, honestly, but I do. My sadness at losing my best friend and love of my life doesn't mean I don't still have deep appreciation for the other blessings I have. You are still recognizing how blessed you are. You're overcoming your daily pain (that probably makes you feel like you'd like to curl up and just sleep to avoid the pain) by doing your best to continue to make your children's life as happy as you can. That shows you appreciate the blessings they are and that you are not selfish. It takes enormous amounts of energy and strength to balance those seemingly conflicting emotions. Please don't add pressure onto yourself by feeling guilty for feelings which are normal. It is clear how deeply you love your husband. Your children can't take his place or fill the void he left. Hating yourself will not help anyone - not you or your children. You've been put into a difficult situation and you are doing your best. At the end of the day, that is all any of us can do. You are keeping on living, even though right now it doesn't feel much like living. Savor every moment of happiness you get from your children and forgive yourself for the humanity of experiencing the deep loss that results from the giving of deep love. Sending you and your beautiful children love and tight hugs...

Sending you tight hugs. It is so sad to know others have this road ahead of them. I feel deeply for them as well.

Sending you hugs, klim. Letting go of shared future dreams is hard, I think, because we never got to make the memories of them to have to hold onto. I don't know if that makes sense or not. As times passes, I'm finding it easier to feel really blessed for the time T & I shared and the memories I have. But those things we planned for the future hurt, because we never actually got to do them. More hugs...

I'm not very tech savvy. I played the messages out loud and recorded them with the sound recorder on my laptop. Then I made back up copies of them. I only had a few that were on an old answering machine as I had cleared the messages off my phone right before T passed away. They are pretty precious to me, though.

Thank you for replying. I think the smell was coming from either the cable box or the wire going to the outlet. I should have paid closer attention. I'll know to do that next time. Yes, the cable box has plenty of space around it for ventilation. I have it all unplugged. I also do have a fire extinguisher that I bought not too long ago. I may just go ahead and have maintenance check it out just to be safe. I am afraid of getting shocked somehow. I have a defibrillator and I would imagine that might likely set it off as well. Thank you so much again. Sometimes you just need someone to talk these things over with as you would have with your spouse. I appreciate you filling that role for me this evening. Hugs to you...

Pittsburgh is a little too far for me, but your post made me chuckle. I would have to go through Somerset via the turnpike to get there. I swear I have never gone through Somerset when it wasn't snowing there. The center I managed was placed in a region with centers in Pittsburgh for a while as my location is an outlier. I had to go to Pittsburgh for regional meetings. I always hit snow in Somerset it seemed, even when it was lovely weather the whole rest of the trip.

So yesterday I was in my kitchen which opens into my living room. From the living room, I heard a very loud pop sound - like on of those cork guns but louder. The TV promptly went out. I checked to see if everything was still plugged in as occasionally my cats crawl behind the TV cabinet and get caught up in the cords. All was still plugged in, but there was a hot wire smell. The cable box felt pretty warm, but I don't ever feel it to know if it always gets that warm. The breaker is flipped in the breaker box. I am afraid to flip it back on and retry the TV as I'm afraid it will catch on fire. What do you think? Okay to try again or call someone? I'm not sure whether to call the cable company or the maintenance department (as I'm in a rental) first. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I think the meeting is a great idea, rather than wondering, etc.. My favorite ever boss taught me to approach delicate situations like this starting out with, "please help me understand...". I still remind myself to use it vs. how I would really prefer to start the conversation. I think she owes you an explanation given all the other positive support documentation you provided, however I know nothing about the politics of your field. I just know that you rock!

Jen, You know the pile of mail, papers, etc that many folks have on their table or a counter somewhere? My pile sits on my one side of my bed, along with my bills binder, etc.. It is out of sight of others since I'm the only one in my bedroom and it fills in the empty space that I can't stand to look at. My trouble is the cats like to lie on the piles and get them out of order, as well as sometimes wrinkled. We do what gets us by. Your bed sounds much more snuggly.