SoVerySad

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and your children's father, mcdc10. It is a very painful and miserable experience to go through. I know the "only ifs" can really eat away at you. It is a natural response, I think, to wanting to blame someone for the loss, even if we make that someone ourselves. You know how much you loved your husband, so I feel certain you did your best. It is hard to accept that these things are out of our control. I'm sorry that you've had reason to join us. I hope you will find comfort here among those who understand how hard it is to lose your love far too soon. Hugs to you!!

Beard update: My son may now shave the beard to be able to paint his face for a costume for Halloween. Now I'm the one trying to discourage him from shaving it off, as I'm not thrilled about the scraggly stage he'll have to go thru to regrow it. I have turned into that mother who is never satisfied. Mostly I'm kidding. He can do what he chooses with his face. It is just funny how we've flipped sides.

Oh, honey, I understand very well how a person gets that lonely. I've been forcing myself to get out and meet new people. Although most of them know I'm widowed. because I don't hide that information, none of them know how I really feel. I have become quite skilled at hiding my real feelings. I like the new people I've met, but I feel so inauthentic when I am around them. When you have to hide your true feelings and pretend to be someone you truly are not, it leaves you feeling very lonely. Sending you tight hugs...

Fuck that despite my efforts to re-engage with the world again and meeting quite a few new people, I can sit at a table with 9 other lovely people listening to a musician who I love to hear sing and still feel so lonely for my husband.

I'm sending you a tight hug, Kim. I'm so sorry for those loss of your husband. I also lost my husband suddenly to a fatal arrhythmia. I remember that I also made these keening sounds because the pain was so deep. Unfortunately, it is not unusual for the pain to worsen once you are past the first couple of months. The shock initially seems to create a type of buffer that keeps you from feeling everything all at once. As that buffer wears off, reality sets in. So what you are experiencing is not unusual. Many of us remember it getting worse and wondering how that was even possible. As far as what to do....I wish I knew some elixir to make the pain go away. Unfortunately, I don't believe one exists that allows us to escape from working our way through the tremendous grief. I know it may seem impossible to imagine that it will ever get less painful. Most of us felt the same way when our losses were newer, but have found it does soften with time. I know that doesn't help with the pain right now, but tuck that thought away - that it will get softer with time. I cried a lot. So much so that I had blood pressure issues due to dehydration. So, be sure to drink water to offset the tears. I am of the belief that the crying is an important step in releasing the pain. When you feel you need to cry, don't try to hold it all in. Try to find small things that will give you moments of comfort. You may have to experiment to figure out what those might be. Ask for help you need, even if it is just someone to sit quietly with you and allow you to talk about your husband or the pain you are going through. Tell them you know they can't fix it for you, but you just need someone to listen and keep you company for a little while. Some people have found that writing in a journal helped them. I watched TV all the time. I had never been much of a TV watcher before, but it was the only thing I could find that took my mind off my loss for a little while. I think each of us needs to find something to hold our attention to give us breaks from the pain. Coming here to share and talk with others who understand how truly excruciating it is may help you as well. There is a strange comfort that comes from having your feelings validated and knowing that you are not alone. There are some really wonderful, caring people here. I hope you will find comfort here as I have. More hugs....

Thank you, CG!

This far is not enough. You deserve to return to some measure of happiness. But I understand that you are weary and need to rest. Resting is okay and needed at times. When you've given so much love to others as you have, you can run out of energy when you are not being refueled by love yourself. I understand losing trust in others when your trust has been betrayed. Just keep remembering the advice I received from Wifeless early on in my journey: "You won't always feel as you do now." I have found it to be true, even though I have days where I feel setback or events in my life knock me down again. We are going to get to that better place where we will reminisce about how we made it there. I believe that. I will hold belief in you until you are ready to carry it yourself again. Can you think of anything that lifts your spirits even a little bit? If so, grab onto it and try to get more of it in your life. For me, the thing I've grabbed onto is music. Music has literally been fueling me lately. I've given myself permission to concentrate on it and let other things go, because it is what I need right now. I'm not sure what will work for you, but keep searching for something that you can hold onto to get you through the current darkness. Keep reaching out. I and others here will be here to help you get back into the light again. More love and hugs...

Thank you so much, JustLola.

FirstWidow, I'm sorry that your friends wouldn't understand your feelings. I totally understand how those feelings of intense pain and bewilderment that they are gone hit out of nowhere. I'm over 3 years out and a few weeks ago I was driving with my daughter in the car. We were talking about something I couldn't answer, and I told her we'd have to ask her Dad. It shocked the heck out of me as it has loomed so large in my life every day that he's gone. How could I possibly for a moment have forgotten? But I did. I agree that it is a comfort to have this forum to share with people who understand how things that don't make sense to others can make perfect sense to us. I'm glad you decided to post. Of course you are human and also experiencing things most of us have experienced. Hugs to you...

Jen, I'm sorry you are hurting so much. As you know I've had complicated grief from a host of situations that have occurred since T died, so I can't say I've made a lot of progress until recently making a little. But your post did remind me of one area where I have made progress and that is time. Not so much in the sense as TooSoon, where time has helped her overall. I'm talking about time getting back to passing more quickly again. For so very long, every day felt so incredibly long and drawn out. It was kind of like misery until I could go to bed and sleep so I could give my mind a rest. Not only was each day long, but the weeks felt interminably long as well. That distorted sense of time made me feel more distressed about the future. I can honestly say at 3.5 years that time is back to going pretty much normal speed for me now. It is a blessing. Of course, I have days where it feels longer (like now with what's going on), but on the whole I'm amazed when it is time to refill my weekly meds box. It seems like it can't have already been a week since I last did it. That is huge progress for me and I hope time will speed up for you as well over the next little while. I still try not to look forward too much. I'm not in a good enough place yet to look ahead too far. I will wait to do that until I get to a better place, where a future of better days won't feel so overwhelmingly hopeless as a future of days like I currently feel. You've had a setback not of your own making. That sucks because you lose progress you had made and the journey feels ever longer. But I and others are here to support you in regaining the ground you've lost. Sending you love and tight hugs....

InOverMyHead, I'm sending you a tight hug. I experienced those anxiety attacks as well. I had no idea they could be so debilitating or would feel so awful. I hope you will find some relief from them.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for all that you have been through and having essentially all of it fall on your shoulders alone. I agree that you've shown great strength. I realize the energy that takes. It is good to hear you feel like you are turning a corner and have some positive feelings that things will get better. Hugs...

Thanks. Bunny, for the encouragement. I have become pretty loose on allowing my kids to develop their own styles. I realize what a small issue it really overall, but it means a great deal to them. So my 16 yr old daughter has a tiny stud nose piercing and the bottom 1/3 of her long hair is purple. She loves to wear black and proudly wears her favorite bands' merchandise. It tickles me how polar opposite what she chooses is from what I would choose for her. I imagine that it may be the result of my penchant to dress her in really girly outfits with matching hair bows, tights, etc. when she was small. She's getting back at me for all those years she had to suffer through Gymboree outfits, etc.. Actually, she looks beautiful in what she chooses and I like that she is her own person. Amazingly, my son's beard has actually started to fill in just since I made the original post. It looks much better and hopefully will keep filling in. He's very pleased with it, which is really all that matters.

Sending you love and tight hugs, MS. I've been feeling the same way lately and having that phrase running thru my head more than anyone should. It is very unlike me, but then I've never been put to this hard of a test before. I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. Adding a hug for Scoobs as well.

It is so validating to post here and have people who understand how something seemingly small can trigger such heartache. Thank you all for responding.

Thank you all for sharing in this conversation with me. MrsDan, my T had Fred Flintstone syndrome too (great descriptor). It is hard to go from being the one responsible for their appearance to allowing them to choose their own style (or lack thereof).

And I think we can all agree, that's a pretty heavy understatement, adp. Oh, how I needed that chuckle tonight! I'm not sure what the inspiration for the beard has been. It may even just be that he doesn't want to take the time to shave. It worked for a while to tell him that if he shaved it off every so often, it would grow back in more fully each time. I actually was told that by a male acquaintance, I wasn't trying to mislead him. He has since told me I was mistaken. Thanks for the commiseration from those of you experiencing a similar situation. TooSoon, you may be on to something with the fake beard during this phase. Hmmmm.....

I'm hoping some of our male members can offer some advice. My son, who recently turned 18 so I am trying to respect his choices, is trying to grow a beard. It looks awful. So scruffy and patchy. Is there any way to more quickly get past this stage? Anything to be done to help it look better? He has gorgeous black hair, so I am assuming at some point it will look quite handsome, but right now not so much. Wish his Dad was still here for things like this.

Yesterday I was helping at a local campaign office. There was a man there I recognized that had known my husband, T. He told me I looked familiar. I told him I believe he had known my husband, T. He said he had and how shocked he had been to learn he had passed away and he was sorry as it must be hard without him. Then he turned to his wife and said, "Hey, Judy, this is "T lastname's widow". It was an accurate description and I'm in no way complaining about him describing me as such. But those 3 simple words sucked the air right out of me. I guess I've never been called that in person before. It felt so matter of fact, which in turn felt so sad and painful. The fact that I'm going out a little and involving myself in life again rather than holing up at home as I had been is proof that I'm making progress. But the emotions tied to being separated from T haven't lessened. I still painfully miss him - no softening of that yet. And three simple words have the ability to remind me of that - to trigger an intense wave of grief again.

Yes, it is hard to classify experiences now as being happy times, because I've known such deeply happy times in my past with T. I am appreciative of good things that happen and the ability to laugh again, yet it is hard not to notice that it all pales in comparison to my life before T died. I'm getting better at not deliberately comparing, but there is a lack of color and dimension that I recognize has yet to return to my life. I appreciate his publically trying to explain it to others.

Yes, what is with that? It is incredibly annoying. I'm sorry you are experiencing it as well.

So sorry, IMD, I'm sure that was very painful to revisit that hopeful period knowing the outcome that followed. Sending you tight hugs....

Have you looked on MeetUp.com? About 6 months ago, I started a group on there for younger widows and widowers in my area (sorry, I am in PA). I have had almost 30 sign up, but few people ever come to the get-togethers. I've tried different days of the week/times/locations, etc. but still not much attendance. I think with younger widows and widowers, many of them are still working and raising kids. It makes it harder for them to make meetings. Using a forum like this to communicate can be done any time of the day or night which is a benefit. The people who have been my strongest lifelines in making it this far through my grief journey have all been people I connected with thru this message board and its predecessor. I am so grateful for each of them. Having the support of people that understand how excruciatingly painful and absurd widowhood can be is really valuable, because those who haven't experienced it cannot imagine how deeply the loss affects you in so many ways. I'm sorry you have had a reason to join us, but hope you will find some comfort here.

It was definitely a lovely time. It was great to reconnect in person with friends and to make new ones. I also got to hold a gorgeous baby girl, which completely made my day. I was thinking on the drive home how I likely never would have met these people, many of whom have become very special to me, had T not died. It raises conflicting feelings, but I am deeply thankful for these relationships regardless how they came to be. I highly recommend for members to give bagos a try. I was really nervous about my first one or two, but now look forward to them. There is an underlying kinship in spending time with people who understand the struggles you are or have been going through - a sense of fitting in that I've not experienced as richly anywhere else since T died.

Thank you for your replies. HM, thankfully my counselor would never say something like "you shouldn't feel that way" to me. She is the one I spend most of my time with. Thank you for replying and making me think about readjusting expectations. I struggle with the loneliness as well. Tybec, Thank you for challenging me to consider what you wrote about pain and joy. I do understand that I can't know and therefore shouldn't prejudge what might happen in my future. I just haven't gotten the point to where my heart believes it yet. Calimom, Thank you so much for your kind words. I actually really needed them today. I'm not giving up. Where I at one time didn't think I could possibly survive T's loss, I now believe I will. I'm trying to find new good things to add to my life and look forward to.