SoVerySad

Well, I am a sap, so I was crying a little within the first 10 minutes or so, but the kids were not and were rolling their eyes at me. No one dies in this movie that I can remember, like at the beginning of Finding Nemo. It really was great fun, which I can rarely say. I'm hoping it can make some of you smile, too.

That's a great way to honor your husband, imissdow!

I took my teens to see this movie last night. We all loved it. We also saw it at a drive in that still exists in a nearby town, which made it fun as well. If you could use a boost from some laughter, I highly recommend it. It feels good to laugh. No kids needed. I laughed more than my kids did. Those folks at Pixar are pretty awesome.

That sounds like a sweet way to celebrate the day.

I can understand your feelings of sadness. Sorting through the remnants of our lives and our spouses belongings brings back many memories. Knowing you as I do, I'm not surprised you can condense your things into those bins and boxes. I think it is representative of the way you've lived your life - really living it by focusing on the experiences, valuing interactions and relationships, exploring, learning, and teaching more than collecting things. You know I am always in awe of your courage and determination to live fully and savor the experiences. It all has formed you into the amazing person you are - one who really knows what is most important in life is to make the most of experiences and opportunities presented to you. Sending you love and hugs...

I'm so sorry, MrsDan. Sending love and hugs to you and your daughter...

I remember how difficult the first night without my T there was. Sending you tight hugs for strength...

I love this! Thank you for sharing!!

This is so beautifully written, Bunny. Thank you for sharing your love story. Tight hugs to you...

I talk about my T as well. We were a couple starting at age 16 through his death when I was 47. Since his death, I've been pretty much holed up in my home dealing with my grief and medical issues. I'm just now trying to get out a little and try to make a life for myself, instead of just an existence. If I want to contribute to conversations about most topics, my contribution will include him. We did everything together. I have few stories and memories that don't include him. It may make others a little uncomfortable, but it is my reality. I'm glad and proud to remember and share about the life we built together.

It is nice to hear from you, L. I hope things are going well for you. Hugs...

Good for you!! I started counseling a few weeks ago. My counselor told me that the first thing I need to concentrate on is resting, as I've been through some pretty major issues and health concerns since my husband died. I homeschool my son and since we have a break on that for a few months, she felt now was the time for me to make this summer "about me". Resting is much less fun when it's been imposed, so I've been going a little nuts trying to adjust to it. I can't deny how exhausted I have been, though, so I do think it will help me and is necessary. While I formerly was very interested in politics, I have agreed to greatly reduce my time watching/reading the news. Given the craziness of this election cycle, it is probably really good advice. I hope your break helps restore you.

Dear JustK, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I must say, while I realize that people who've not lost a spouse can't understand the pain and sense of loss we endure, I'm shocked anyone would be telling you at not even six weeks out that you've grieved long enough. I know it is hard for people to see us so sad, but we are and we can't (and really shouldn't have to) hide it all the time. My children were 13 and 14 when my husband died. At first, I tried not to let them see me upset, but it was impossible. There are only so many showers one can take in a day. I realized that as long as I kept reassuring them we would be fine, allowing them to see me cry was okay, because it was a natural reaction to losing someone you love. It also helped them see it was fine for them to cry as well. Please try not to let the opinion of others who are unable to understand put any added pressure on you. Sending you tight hugs...

Tight hugs to you, Quixote. I'm at a little over 3 years out and realizing that missing my T is just never going to stop. In many ways, there is comfort in that. I no longer worry I'll forget the wonderful life we had together and his unique and amazing qualities that gave me such a sense of contentment and love. Of course, I wish the missing him didn't come with such pain attached. While it has softened a little, I still would give anything except our children to have him and our life together back again. More hugs...

My husband died over 3 years ago and I still wear my wedding rings. For me, they still feel right being there right now. Do what feels right to you and don't worry about anyone else's opinion on the issue. I'm glad you found us, although very sorry you had a reason to. There is comfort in being around people who truly understand. Hugs to you...

Pauleena, I'm sending you tight hugs. The pain is so palpable in your words and I remember feeling so many of the same thoughts right after my husband died suddenly. It was incomprehensible that I could manage to keep going on without him, but I have for over 3 years now. The members of this community and its predecessor literally were a lifeline for me. When I thought I couldn't take another minute of life without him, someone always reached out their hand to offer support and keep me afloat. I hope you will find the same comfort here. I am terribly sorry for the loss of your beloved Karl. More hugs...

Sandrine, This type of grief is definitely unlike any other. I don't think someone who hasn't experienced it can imagine the enormity of the depth and all the ways one is affected by it. I wish all of us could go back to not having a personal understanding. Since we can't, I hope it gives you some measure of comfort to at least know we understand here and appreciate how difficult it is. It is true that life for everyone around us seems to go so quickly back to normal, while it is hard for us to grasp how the world continues on at all without our loves. Sending you tight hugs...

AubreeAnn, I can't say these signs have necessarily improved my faith, which has morphed into a different belief system than the traditional one I grew up in. What they have done is helped me to realize that my husband is still with me, aware of what is happening in our lives, in the only way he can be in his now non-physical form. For me these signs have primarily been through small white butterflies and music. The first butterfly encounter happened within days of his death. It was late March and much too chilly and soon for butterflies in my area. As I walked to the end of the driveway to get my mail, this white butterfly kept fluttering around my face. I was actually batting it away as it seemed to want to land on my face. I told a friend about it later that day. She asked me if I knew the connection between white butterflies and the recently deceased, which I did not. I spent some time looking it up and saw many people believe it to be a sign from their deceased loved ones. In the past three years, I have had several seemingly unlikely encounters with white butterflies. One happened in the middle of a rainstorm in which butterflies are not usually out as their light bodies can be injured by the force of a raindrop. There have been several others times I have felt sure were signs as well as they happened at times I was under great stress. I have also experienced some amazingly timed musical songs or lyrics. One night, the radio station played a songlist that was basically a private playlist of all the songs I recall from when we started dating. It was extraordinary. When they played REO Speedwagon's "Roll with the Changes", (yes, I'm an older, younger widow), I really felt the chorus was my husband telling me it was time for me to deal with the changes from losing him. It was a strong sensation, but I wondered if I was dreaming it up in my head. The next song they played was "Listen to the Music". It just all really felt to connect. I realize some people believe these aren't truly signs and are my own imagination or desires being assigned to coincidences. While I am typically skeptical of things, I fully believe these have been signs to keep me going and to encourage me to start trying to build a new life. I fully believe at some point we'll be reunited again, but I still have to live until then. If I am wrong and there is nothing after this life, then there will be no disappointment. I think it is not uncommon for people's faith to become complicated upon experiencing a significant loss. Sending you hugs...

Thank you all for understanding and the encouragement.

Lately, I've been spending time on youtube listening to a lot of music my husband and I enjoyed during the 90's. The 90's were really great years for us, with a few exceptions. Man, I wish we could relive that time period again. I've been reading some of the comments, which I generally never do. I've read so many comments saying the person wishes they could go back to the 90's again. I'm realizing that not all of my misery is related solely to losing T. Some of it likely is r/t my age and my feelings about the world today and the responsibilities/worries for my kids' futures. It is all definitely magnified by not having T to be my loving support and help me to escape reality when needed. I'm not sure where this realization fits into how I continue to process my loss, but I do think somehow I need to be cognizant of it - if only to adjust my hopes for happiness in the future. Am I making any sense to anyone?

Beautifully expressed. I'm glad to see you back.

MrsT85, We'll be here to support you when you go through those boxes! Maybe you could have a quilt made from his band t-shirts? Tight hugs...

Anyone else think about how you would handle parenting situations we encounter now if we were still the parents that we were before? This past weekend, I signed permission for my 16 year old daughter to use her own money to get one of those tiny rhinestone stud nose piercings. She really wanted one and had done her research, etc.. We live in an area where this is not really the norm for teens, so she's had interesting responses from her friends, several saying they can't believe I let her get it and others saying I'm such a cool mom. It made me wonder if we hadn't been what we've been through, if I was still the old me, would I have agreed to this? I gave a brief thought to what her Dad might have thought and also asked a dear friend from this site if he thought she was too young and if I was being an irresponsible parent, but ultimately decided to sign for her. I realized that while I often have felt panicked by all the parenting decisions being my responsibility now, I care less how others judge my parenting now than I did before. It seems like it should be the other way around, perhaps, but after 3 years, it isn't. For whatever reason, I've been left in the position of being the sole living parent for these kids, who will soon be adults. I've realized second guessing myself requires more energy than I have to give right now. So, I have a very happy daughter who I feel looks just fine with that tiny little sparkle. And hopefully it offsets her irritation with my reluctance to let her drive yet just a little (which I'm pretty sure she'd already have her permit if her Dad was still here). Any of the rest of you think about if your parenting is different now than it would have been had you never lost your spouse?

Donswife, It is so true that you never know when a conversation with someone you don't know can help you or them. A couple of weeks ago, I went out with some female friends to a local winery to see a live music presentation. This was a big step for me. The musician we heard was really terrific and I actually really enjoyed the evening out. After the show, I got up my nerve and asked him the name of a song he performed I had never heard before. We talked briefly and I thanked him for doing such a terrific version of a song that had been special to my husband and I, explaining he had died. I saw him again the next week at another local place where we had gone again for the live music. I asked him for clarification of his upcoming performances. He remembered me from the week before and was so nice. This weekend he posted a song he was adding to his set on his Facebook page. It was "Feelin' Good Again" by Robert Earl Kean. It struck me how the song words mirrored how I felt that night listening to his music, as the song lyric says "It feels so good feelin' good again". At the risk of sounding like a stalker, I sent him a message telling him how that song was exactly how I felt that night after feeling so sad most of the time. He wrote me back the most beautiful reply, sharing that he has been going through a really rough time personally as well and performing his music he loves has been keeping him going. To know that he'd made me feel good that night meant so much to him. He thanked me for taking the time to write to him and let him know the impact he made that night as he really needed the validation of his worth right now. I was so glad I took the risk of sending the message. Here's the song:

Tight hugs to you, Sandrine. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.