SoVerySad

Yes, MrsDan, it is tough. My daughter started band camp this week. Friday night will be a potluck dinner and preview performance of the half-time show they are putting together this week. All band members and their families come. I'm already dreading it, looking around wistfully at all the other "complete" families. I think I mind it more than she does, which is good.

I'm so sorry, Amor. I have had similar experiences a few times where it was just like my mind returned to the old life I loved so much for a minute. Then reality hit me and it was a painful blow. Strange, this widowed life. Sending you (and donswife) tight hugs...

I'm looking forward to it! Portside, I recognized everything except corn pie.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife, Jack. I remember so well many of the experiences you have described in the early weeks after the loss of my husband 3 years ago. Making those phone calls to handle the financial and business matters was so difficult just saying the reason you are calling. I didn't want to say it out loud, because it made it too real. I also remember the lonely, sometimes frantic hours after my kids went to bed. I really didn't think I would make it through his loss, yet I am still here. Taking things one day at a time has been my saving grace. I wanted to tell you I understand a little of how you feel guilty about you surviving your illness and your wife not surviving hers. My husband died suddenly from a ventricular cardiac arrhythmia. Six months after he died, I inexplicably developed the same arrhythmia. In my case, I survived, but required the placement of an internal cardiac defibrillator. I hated that defibrillator at first. I didn't want it. I wanted to turn back time and have my husband have it instead. I felt so guilty. It was hard for my family, friends, and doctor to understand, but it haunted me for a long while. The truth is that the two illnesses you and your wife had were not interchangeable, nor did your survival have any impact on her outcome. I think we just wish for anyway we could have kept them here with us. There is no need for you to carry that guilt, but I understand your feelings. I hope you will find this special place and the caring people who understand the depths of pain in losing a spouse will be a source of comfort for you, as it has truly been for me. Sending you a tight hug...

Seeing them makes me happy for them, but also unleashes a fresh wave of pain knowing that T and I will never get that chance. I saw somewhere the other day a couple celebrating their 82nd wedding anniversary. One was 100 and the other was 104, I believe. Amazing. Blessed. Enviable.

Thank you for the links, TS! Loved them both.

Thank you all again for sharing your stories and encouragement. This is all just so strange.

I want to wish you all a wonderful time!! I'm sorry I couldn't make the opportunity to meet those of you I haven't met yet and see those I have again. Have fun and take a photo together for us. Happy Hugs...

Thank you all for sharing your stories to give me encouragement. I really do appreciate it. Like MrsDan stated, I feel like I really gave myself a lot of time before I reached this point. The analogy of a switch being turned on fits my feelings very well. Right now I feel like I would like to switch it back off until I feel more ready. I realized tonight part of my fears isn't just this issue. I have a difficult month in front of me in August that is weighing on me as well. Add to that trying to figure out what I want in life now and I'm left feeling overwhelmed. Thank you again!

Thank you for replying, Jen. I hadn't really considered that I might start crying. Given I cry fairly easily, it could happen to me as well. I am glad to at least be aware of the possibility. I feel as you do about my marriage and relationship with T. I know I was really very blessed. It has been so painful without him, but totally worth the hurt now to have had all the amazing years we did. It as taken me a while to reach this level of perspective. Hugs...

I recently reached a place where I am willing to consider a relationship with a new person. I have surprised myself with this as I've been convinced my feelings on this issue would never change. I couldn't picture myself dating anyone else. I miss being in a loving relationship, though. A lot. Anyway, I was thinking about this issue and realized that it has been almost 35 years since I have kissed any man other than my husband (we started dating at 16)!! In addition, I have never gone further intimacy wise than kissing with anyone other than my husband. Those are pretty daunting and fear inducing numbers. Anyone else in a similar situation? It is hard to imagine finding a comfort level with someone else.

That is a good description. It really does impact us in so many ways, many of which we never see coming before they hit us. Hugs to you...

Thank you all for your advice. I may try it this week if my friend is available. I'm really uneasy, but like I said, I'm ready to get rid of some of these fears. I am leaving my lifelong fear of clowns alone for right now, LOL. T and I once went on vacation to a hotel that we didn't know was having a clown convention. We couldn't find a vacancy anywhere else so had to stick it out. Worst vacation ever!

I'm so sorry my sweet friend. Sending you, your father, and the kids all love and tight hugs!

So 17 months ago, my children and I were hit head on by a drunk driver. I've been dealing with PTSD symptoms since. I have not driven on the road the accident happened on since it happened. I have a new friend who lives farther out on that road, meaning I may need to travel that road at some point in the near future. I think it is time for me to face that drive. Do you think it would be best to have someone drive me as a passenger first or just drive myself with a friend along? I don't want to have the kids with me, because it was worst for my daughter having to be cut out of our vehicle. I'd like to gain comfort with it myself before driving them past that area. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I'm tired of feeling so scared all the time, so I'm trying to face some of my fears and leave them behind.

I'm so sorry things are hurting so much right now. I know you said it is no big deal in your post, but it is very significant to you and to each of us when these waves of grief engulf us. Unfortunately others who haven't been through the same experience don't understand, but we get it here. The loneliness is very hard for me at times as well, so you are definitely not alone in that. I haven't had much support from family and the friends I had before my husband's death either. But I have made a few really wonderful friends from this forum. Unfortunately, they don't live close enough to spend actual time together, so I'm trying to get myself out and meet new people. It is so strange to be doing this at 50. But, I'm having a little success and hoping it gets easier as I try it longer. I still miss my husband greatly, though. Every day. Thank you for sharing the lines from the poem with us. Sending you a tight hug...

I never asked if he had posters on the walls of his bedroom when he was a tween, and if so, of who/what.

It should have been so much longer, Maureen. Sending you love and tight hugs...

LTSLforever, you definitely didn't write too much on my thread. I think the threads are meant to engage discussion and people sharing they have similar struggles is powerful in helping realize our thoughts and feelings are normal in this completely unknown new world we get thrust into. Yes, I would think that it is likely you have had to put your grieving somewhat on hold to deal with your mom's illness. One can truly only take on so much at one time. I'm sorry you are dealing with the stress and sadness related to your mom on top of the loss of your Steve. It is so exhausting to deal with crises situations while already grieving. I had been putting my own needs on the back burner for a lot of years prior to my husband's death due to caring for my grandparents (who were actually my parents from infancy) until they both died, then health issues with both my son and husband. It was what I needed to do at the time, just a lot of tough things one after the next. It has been challenging for me to even think about my own needs and wants as I haven't done it for so long. But your needs do matter, honey, even if they have to be put on hold for a while. Don't think they don't matter. I did that for far too long and it has taken a tremendous toll on my health. I'm sorry it is all so hard for you right now. Sending you tight hugs...

I was listening to the song "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles early last week. It is interesting to me how I can hear songs I knew before widowhood that have taken on new meanings for me since losing T. This is one of those songs. It clearly seems to refer to being unable to let go of an unhealthy relationship. I had a wonderful, fulfilling 30 year relationship with my husband. But I have come to the realization that trying to maintain that relationship in the present has become more painful to me than comforting. I don't feel like my husband is holding me in his gravity. I believe he wants me to find happiness in whatever form that ends up being. But it seems to be my own default to just keep wanting to go back to a relationship that still is as loving as ever, but is no longer active in a real sense at this point. I do feel as if "something always brings me back to him". I know it is much of my fear in even considering another relationship at some point, so I want to go back to the safety of taking no risks. While I have amazing memories, they don't fill my current loneliness, though. This is all so difficult to process. Here is the song...

I recently made a friend, completely platonic, who is luckily a hugger like I am. I can't tell you how much I look forward to those hugs. He's a musician I've been going to see perform, so often they are sweaty hugs after his performance is over. I could care less about the sweat. A few weeks ago, he hugged me before one of his shows started. He had clearly just showered before he came and he smelled so good. No cologne, just freshly showered man. Sigh... I had completely suppressed all my physical needs since my husband died. As I'm coming out of my hermit stage and trying to engage in life again, the desire to be found attractive and be touched, hugged, and kissed has started to reappear. Life was easier when those needs were suppressed and not active. I admit it has added to my struggle, as it makes me really sad I no longer have those intimate connections in my life.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and you having a reason to find us. I hope in doing so, you will find the understanding support and kindness I have found from this caring group of people. The uncontrollable emotions are hard to deal with, but completely normal, unfortunately. Many members here have shared the experience of breaking into tears in the grocery store. It seems to be a common trigger. I know I have done it myself on several occasions. Sending you hugs of support...

Just after the 3 year anniversary of my husband's death, I finally started counseling for myself. I have been through several really difficult experiences since his death, so they have all been piling up on top of my grief. The counseling is helping me to realize they required so much of my energy and focus, I really haven't had the chance to deal with losing my T. I had no idea how this experience would be, but I must share that for me it has really been helpful. I got very lucky to be matched with an amazing counselor who is such a good fit for me. I have very little support (other than a few dear friends I've made from here, but who unfortunately are not nearby). My counselor truly makes me feel like she's going to help me get myself back on my feet again. When my hope dwindles, she manages to reignite it for me. For anyone who may be considering it, I will just say that I am happy I took the chance of trying it. I have a lot of work to do ahead of me, but I don't feel like I'm all alone doing it now.

Tight hugs and love to you, sweet friend. At my last therapy session, my counselor asked me to list 10 adjectives to describe myself. The first one I said was fragile. I then asked her if it made sense to also list strong. She told me it made perfect sense. Also, check your Facebook messages for a potential addition to you timeline.

I'm sorry this is such a difficult month. I understand just wishing somehow it has been an extended nightmare that you can wake up from and have your old life back. Sending you love and tight hugs...