SoVerySad

Yay, the day is finally here! Looking forward to seeing you all soon! Real, not cyber hugs, hooray!!

Fuck doctors who make you wait for important medical test results! Fuck trying not to worry that your children might end up with neither parent while you wait.

I have always felt so sad for both you and your son that your husband's death was on his birthday. You are such a good Mom, SB. You have managed to not allow the loss to be the focus of that day. It can't have been easy to pull off a party when you are dealing with conflicting emotions, especially earlier on. I hope that your son enjoys the party. Tight hugs...

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate hearing others' feelings on these things. Portside, I have never been an adventurous person. I like things safe, stable, and planned out. I guess that's why I've struggled so with widowhood. Maybe I should try something adventurous.

Yes, I definitely understand how those triggers can hit you out of nowhere. I also try not to look too far into the future. It hurts too much to think about a future without him in it. I've learned that when the grief waves happen, it doesn't take me back in my progress. It does make me hurt a lot, though. Sending you hugs...

I also have suffered from extreme anxiety and panic attacks since the death of my husband, exacerbated by a serious medical crisis and being hit by a drink driver head-on which my children and I were lucky to have survived. I am sorry you are suffering with the anxiety, because it feels terrible. Being a part of this community has been really helpful for me. I hope it will be for you as well. Sending you a hug of understanding...

I have a new Psychiatrist managing my meds since the previous one moved away. I met with her for the first time last week. In our brief conversation, I mentioned feeling if the best years of my life are likely over, but that I realize I can still have good in what is left of it. That is actually big progress for me, to believe there is a chance that I will have good times ahead. Anyway, she immediately reminded me I have children and so I shouldn't be saying that. I've been feeling guilty ever since. But I am also a little stubborn, which I believe is a good thing that has kept me trying to work thru this grief. So, I'm trying to free myself from that guilt. I do believe the best years of my life are over. I'm not writing off the rest of my life in full in any way. However I am 51 years old now. I no longer have my husband whom I shared over 30 amazing years with from the time we became best friends when I was 15 years old and starting as a couple a year later. Years where my grandparents who raised me were still here and I was naïve to the reality of how life can really be cruel and so painful at times. Years where my health was so much better than it is now and will ever be again. Years where my children were tiny and snuggly, where I could protect them in ways I can no longer do as they are now almost grown and experiencing facets of life on their own now. I adore my children and the amazing people they have grown into. I am looking forward to seeing where they go with their lives and hoping I've taught them some skills to deal with the challenges they may face. I hope their father and I set a good example of a loving, committed marriage, so their own relationships are as fulfilling to them as ours was to us. I'm hoping someday to have grandchildren who will enjoy being snuggled. I intend to be here to support them and love them for as long as I can be. I'm open to and not counting out a future romantic relationship, although I admittedly I often don't believe it will happen for me. I'm making new friends and working on gaining back my strength and hope. I try to find ways to add happiness to every day and feel no guilt for doing so. Yet, I do believe the very best years of my life are over. I may be proven wrong. I would love to be proven wrong, in fact. But I don't feel I should feel ashamed that I believe the best years of my life are over, even though I have children. If the remainder of my life is even a quarter as good as the years I had with my husband, I will still be very blessed. So, what do other widowed parents think about this?

Thank you all so much for posting. It really did help to hear it. I use it now to redirect my thoughts when I feel like I fail at everything now. I also really wanted others to know that even kids who are adamant about no counseling may change their mind at a future date. In my case, I think she could see positive changes in me once I started going to counseling, so she realized maybe it could help her as well.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and all you both went through with his medical issues. I remember also hoping against hope that my husband hadn't really died and it was all just a nightmare I would wake up from. I also was with my husband from a young age (16 in my case). I understand feeling as if you don't know what to do as your entire adulthood you've been part of a couple. I'm sorry you have reason to join us, but hope you will find the support here that I found. It helped me so much. Right now for you it is about the very basics. Getting yourself through each day, eating when you can, sleeping when you can, and being sure to drink lots of water to offset what you lose in tears. It may not feel like it now, but you will find your way through this devastation. We are here to support you as we've been where you are. Sending you tight hugs...

I spoke with my daughter's counselor the other day. We both agreed she is doing much better, which is such a relief. I was afraid she might regress with the new school year, but it hasn't so far. The counselor told me she's really been working hard in Therapy. This is the girl who repeatedly refused to go to counseling until she really crashed right before the holidays last year. So even if your kids refuse to go, they may agree in the future. Don't lose hope. The counselor told me she wants me to know that she counsels a lot of teens and rarely has she ever had one who has such a good relationship with her mother. She told me that my daughter seems to feel 100% secure in my love and support. She never mentions us fighting (we really don't) or me making her feel inadequate. She does think I'm a little overprotective at times, but has told the counselor she understands why. She also told her that she can see I've put a lot of effort into allowing her more independence even though it is hard for me. On a daily basis, I feel so scattered and like I'm failing everything, because I can't do anything well when I'm spread so thin. This was such a blessing to hear that I'm doing well with such an important issue. I guess my prioritizing has been a little better than I realized.

I hope that opportunity works out for him, Trying. Sending love and hugs...

I'm glad to offer my support, Ruth. That is what we are here for. I totally get wanting just a few minutes of that security we used to get from being held close by our loves. It was so beautifully powerful and allowed us to rest our minds. I miss it so much. Sending you tight hugs...

Tight hugs to you, donswife!! I am so very sorry he isn't here to celebrate with you. I wish I could absorb some of the hurt you are feeling right now, so it wouldn't hurt so much. It isn't fair. He should be here. Sending love and more hugs...

Yes, I understand what an accomplishment it is. I'm glad you've managed to move another step forward. Love and hugs...

Feeling scared of everything is a common emotion many of us feel, because so much has changed and we are left with a lot of unknowns. I also moved our 2 children and myself for reasons similar to yours. We had lived there for a long time. I can tell you that I didn't leave any part of my husband behind when I left the house. All my memories came with us. I was so relieved. It still was hard to do that final walk through each room, but I have peace with it now. In fact, the person who bought it flipped it and did so many of the improvements we had been planning to do. It was uncanny how closely what they did had been on our to do some day when he felt better list. I panicked seeing it at first, thinking it was going to break my heart, but it didn't. I looked at it and hoped that the next family who lived there would be as happy as we had been there. I know I could never have been happy there again without him. I hope your experience will be similar. Any changes we make feel monumental and moving is a big change. Since your memories live in your heart and not in the house itself, you will find they accompany you. Tight hugs to you!!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. I think no matter if our spouses die suddenly (as mine did) or after a long illness, there is no way to be prepared for their actually being gone. I remember for the first few months, I was so shocked my husband T had died. Then that morphed into me really starting to realize what his death meant for me, as in I was actually not going to see him again and would have to go on without him. The loneliness is one of the hardest things to deal with, IMO. I'm glad you found this resource, as there are a bunch of truly lovely people who here understand the depth of the grief, etc.. It seriously has been a lifeline for me. I hope you will find comfort here as well.

Tatiana, I'm so glad you are coming. I volunteer for baby holding duty, if needed. Something I love to do! Looking forward to meeting and hugging you in person.

L, honey, I am so very sorry. I don't know any more words to say than that, but I am sending you, your daughter, and SIL tight hugs, along with my love. Completely heartbreaking.

I'm getting ever more excited as the guest list keeps expanding! Awesome!

A wonderful member here, Wifeless, replied to one of the first posts I made. He told me to remember that I wouldn't always feel the way I did then. I made it a mantra of sorts. When it all felt too much to keep trying, I would repeat those words to myself. He was right. The jagged edges of the pain has dulled some and I now get brief respites from it. I'm hoping those respites will continue to grow. Many thanks again to Wifeless and his wife, Bluebird, who was so encouraging when we met in person.

Lynn, I will bring deviled eggs and fresh fruit melon mix.

Canadiangirl, I so relate to your post. I'm so sorry you are feeling the same way. I don't feel like I do anything really well anymore. It is all just pieced together enough to get by. It is another dynamic of being widowed that I hate. My counselor is working with me to improve my self-esteem. I used to manage a 200+ healthcare facility with 200+ employees juggling about 30 balls at any one time. Now I get overwhelmed if I have a couple things competing for my attention at once. What is to feel good about myself about that? I'm so tired of this, really just so tired in general. Fuck my life. Hugs to you all...

Tight hugs to you, Trying. Some days all you want is just the security and comfort of your old life back. Well, I'm actually still at the point where that is what I want most days. It is hard to accept that can't happen.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your love. Feeling lost and in shock are emotions many, perhaps most, of us experienced, so we understand. This wonderful group of people have truly been a lifeline for me. I hope you will feel some sense of comfort from being in a place where people understand the magnitude of the loss of a spouse/partner in a way those who haven't been thru it can't understand. It is tremendously difficult in so many ways. Sending you a hug...

It looks like it will be a good time. I'm looking forward to it.