SoVerySad

I guess my view has changed only from the perspective of being afraid of dying and leaving my children parentless. Otherwise, I would not be afraid of dying. I haven't settled on any rationalizations as far as to the reason for the timing. I've looked at it from several different ways, but in truth I just don't know. I can stand thinking it was meant to be his time except for my kids. Why would taking a child's parent away possibly be meant to be? I do agree that we don't get to control it. Very hard for me to accept, but I'm working on it in counseling. I've spent the past few years guilt-ridden that I should have strongly demanded he go to the ER that morning of the day he died. But that wasn't how our relationship worked. We didn't order each other to do things. I reluctantly accepted his choice, which turned out to be fatal. I don't know if he would have survived if he had agreed with my suggestion, but there would have been staff and equipment there to give him a fighting chance. I'm realizing there is no point in continually replaying the issue through my head. Nothing about it can be changed now, so there is no point. PJ, I'm glad you weren't more seriously hurt. I'm sorry about the flashback triggers. I recently had an experience that stirred up a full week of PTSD flashbacks. It was miserable. I hope you manage to escape them as much as possible.

Thank you, MrsDan, for sharing your story. I also lost my virginity at my in-laws house, so it holds very strong emotions for me. I have no doubt that my in-laws would be welcoming to a new partner. This is a problem that may currently resolve itself, because I think I am not as ready as I thought to start dating someone else. But it is helpful for me to know what I'll face if I feel more ready in the future and ideas for managing it.

Tatiana, I would love to see you there. It is also about a 2 hour drive for me. Are you in South Central PA? I was really nervous the first time I attended a bago. I think most of us were. I have made some wonderful friends from attending. It is worth the drive. We don't mind the tears as we understand. lmsmdm is a wonderful host, so warm and friendly. It is a great group overall. I'll be happy to help out with anyone's little ones.

Our son, our first baby we waited so long for, will turn 18 tomorrow. Without his Dad here. I miss him so very much.

Thank you, Tybec, for your thoughtful reply. I went to my in-law's house last evening. They wanted to celebrate my son's and my birthdays coming up this week. My MIL got me the loveliest card I have ever seen. It just reinforced how much I love them. I need to find a way to manage my feelings, because I know I still really need them, just as they need me. Thank you, again!

imissdow, I have absolutely no actual experience to base this on, but I have met your wonderful girls. It is clear that you are very close with your kids. I'm guessing that they worry about losing their closeness with you after already having lost your husband. I think the best thing is to just show them they aren't losing you. You can tell them and they might not believe it. With time, you can show them that while you are adding a new person into your lives which is important for you to have, he isn't going to take all your time away from them. Once they see that isn't what is going to happen, then I think they'll feel better. I would imagine it is normal to expect some out of the norm reactions as it is another change for you all. Congratulations! I hope it all works out for the best for you all! Hope to see you next month. Hugs...

I am very fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with T's parents. They treat me as if I am their daughter. If anything, our relationship since T's death has only gotten closer. I love them completely. Their home has been my favorite comfort spot since T died. I enjoy being with them and feel really closer to T there. I have recently been considering the idea that perhaps I might want another relationship at some point. I called his mom and talked to her the day I took off my wedding rings. She was wonderful about it and happy that I will consider another relationship. She had told me quite some time ago that she wanted me to find someone else, because I had been such a good wife to T. She said it would be a shame for another man not to have someone as loving and loyal as I had been to T. She also wants to see me happy as she knows how desperately sad I've been. I have no doubt both my in-laws would welcome and embrace a new person in my life. So, what is the problem? I'm having such a hard time going to their house right now. I feel badly, because we haven't been visiting them as much. I just miss T so much more when I am there. I don't want to forget him in any way, but I have recognized that I can't keep him foremost in my mind all the time as I had been doing if I hope to ever get unstuck and move forward. All around their house, they have things he made from when he was small and on up. I'm sure those items give them great comfort. I'm trying to figure how to maintain the same level of closeness with them without feeling completely pulled back to T each time I go there. I have to walk past T's room each time I use their bathroom. I stop at the door and look in, remembering all the sweet times we had together there. It is wonderful and brutal at the same time. They are in their upper 80's and don't like to drive much. They prefer to stay home or I would invite them here more. My FIL is having a harder time getting around now. Anyone else in a similar situation or have any advice to offer?

More hugs...

I'm having a little trouble participating right now myself. Lately, I have started so many replies and then didn't feel I could find the words I needed to. (Yep, me, the wordy one, unable to find words!). Like you, my heart is always full of concern for our fellow members. Love you, Jen! Tight hugs...

I'm so sorry, Mikeeh, that you are hurting so much right now. I don't have any experience with a relationship since my husband died, so I can't offer any advice or perspective. But I can send you some hugs and my hope that you will find another relationship, if that is what you would like.

My cardiologist insisted that I see a Psychiatrist for medication for stress/anxiety/depression, because he was unable to get my heart rate slowed down enough with the cardiac meds. We needed to address the stress hormones that were keeping my heart rate so elevated. When I first met with the Psychiatrist, he said the standard they use for depression is if someone isn't pretty much back to their normal selves by 6 months after the loss. I was incredulous that they didn't differentiate the loss of a spouse from other losses and that they used 6 months. I told him that at 6 months, I was just starting to recognize what had happened and that I felt that timeframe was unrealistic for the loss of a spouse. The anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med actually did work to slow my heart rate down, though. Thank goodness.

Jen, I can really relate to this post. My son turns 18 next week and will be a senior this year. I can't believe his father won't be here to celebrate these milestones with us. I've cried with my daughter after she burst into tears while we were watching a show with a father walking his daughter down the aisle at her wedding. It still hurts like hell for all of us not to have him here. Tights hugs to you....

I'm with you, nonesuch. I miss having the people who really loved and cared about me. It made my life so much better. Hugs to all of you!

This morning my daughter and I were driving in an unfamiliar area. I was surprised to see a sign for a small town that I didn't think was anywhere near where we were. I matter-of-factly said, "I'll have to ask your dad." It is unthinkable to me that after almost 3.5 years he has been gone, I would have an automatic response like that. I thought for sure every inch of my body would remember he's no longer here given that every inch of it has deeply grieved since his death. The sadness of my reality has filled me, yet for one brief moment this morning, he still existed in my mind.

I am not as far out as you, but I definitely have days I miss my husband more intensely than others. Sometimes I can identify a trigger, but often I can't. It sure hurts though. Sending you a tight hug...

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet husband. The circumstances of his death certainly make things more challenging for you. It could be that his mother keeps saying it wasn't her fault, because she is trying to convince herself of it as the alternative would be too much for her right now. Regardless, this is making all you are going through feel even worse. I wish I knew a way to lessen your pain. I want you to know that I recognize why you feel angry. It is common for the widowed to feel angry and look for someone to direct that anger towards - generally those we feel hold responsibility for our spouses' death, even if the result of an accident. The pain is very deep. Sending you a tight hug...

Fuck drunk drivers! Fuck PTSD which knocks me back down each time I try to make progress. I feel like I'm a mole in the Whack-A-Mole game. Every time I pop my head out of this cocoon I've been hiding in, something knocks me back down. Maybe the familiarity of just existing is better than trying to build a happier life. At least I know what to expect.

Thank you all for your replies. This is all so very new to me. I guess I was making a distinction between the type of person I'm looking for vs the type of relationship I want. I truly have no traits/habits of my husband I would want to avoid in another person. The person themselves doesn't need to be similar to my husband, but I do want someone willing to work together to achieve the aspects of my marriage that I believe made it strong and lasting, such as never going to bed mad at each other, etc.. Thank you for giving me more ways to think about this.

I have a new friend (platonic, although I am very attracted to him). We've talked about our past relationships. Mine was teenage sweethearts married for almost 28 years. It was a good marriage. He is divorced post finding out she was cheating on him and then a 5 year relationship that didn't end well. He told me I was lucky because I know exactly what I want when I'm ready to date again. I asked him what he meant - that I had started dating my husband at age 16. I have no idea hw dating even works now. He told me that since I had such a good marriage, he assumed I would look for someone just like my husband. I told him I had no intention to try to replace my husband. If I would start a new relationship, it would be just that and I have no preconceived notions of exactly the person I'm looking for. I wasn't attracted at all to my husband the first time we met, in fact I thought he was weird. But he won me over once I got to know him. I'm also not a 16 year old girl anymore (wish I was so I could relive my life with my husband again). Are most of you looking for someone like your spouse/partner? Do you think that most people would expect we would be?

Sending you tight, tight hugs, Amor! I'm so sorry you didn't get to live out those dreams with your love.

It is nice to get an update from you, Frederick. I'm so sorry for all the losses you've experienced since your husband died. That is a lot of loss you've been dealing with. I'm into my 4th year as well now, and also far from beyond active grieving as well. I'm learning to manage things on my own, but still miss him so much. Sending you a tight hug...

I'm sorry you had such a difficult day. That really was a lot of triggers. Sending you tight hugs...

Congratulations!!! Seeing all of you together and looking so happy is beautiful. I'm very happy for all of you!

It is that time of year again. Time to fill out school forms. This is my 4th year filling them out since my husband died. I decided this year to just leave the father's information section blank. Seemed to make sense after this much time. Right before I gave the forms to my daughter to take in, I added his name and (deceased). I know it shouldn't matter to me what others think, but I can't bear the thought of someone thinking her father isn't involved in her life by his choice. He loved being a dad so much. I can't believe those forms still have the ability to make my heart hurt so deeply.

Mimi, I was excited to see your username! It is good to hear from you, especially your good news about your marriage. I'm sorry for your son's split. They are often hard for everyone in the family. Hugs to you...