SoVerySad

I'm so glad things are working out well for you and your children, SB. Thank you for the update. It is always nice to read good news. Hugs...

I've been slowly watching as our membership numbers have crept ever closer to 1000. I see that today we had our 1000th member join. I am truly glad all of you found this wonderful forum, which I hope will provide you some comfort, if only to know you are not alone. I don't know how I would have made it through the past 3 years without it (and its predecessor). I have also made some wonderful friends I likely would never have met without this forum. Hitting the 1000 mark did cause me to shed some tears, though. I am so sad that so many others have had to endure this life-shattering experience. So much collective heartache, it takes my breath away to think about it. I am truly sorry any of you had reason to end up here, but eternally grateful this special place exists. Sending a tight hug to each of you (feel free not to accept if it offends you as it is not my intent)...

My husband loved watching fireworks. We watched them together for 31 straight years. He retained that boyish excitement about them all those years. I remember that I used to watch his face more than I watched the actual fireworks - it made me happy to see his delight with the colors of the fireworks reflecting onto his face. I can still picture it in my mind, which I am thankful for. I miss you, Baby!

DW, I still hate doing this every night. It isn't difficult or time-consuming. It just was his routine of securing everything for us. Now I no longer have him to provide that peace of mind or care about us so much. It is just me now and it sucks to be reminded of that every night. It is one of the few chores that are now mine that make me feel like I'm doing his job. Tight hugs to you...

Sending you a tight hug, Mark. You always speak so beautifully about the ways you remember your Catherine.

Sending you tight hugs, November. I can really relate to this. I've been trying to get out more. Accepted invitations for Saturday, Sunday, and this evening. Today I spent hours crying, which hasn't happened for a while. My holidays are just lonely without him, despite how many other people I spend time with. It rained here today, so the fireworks will be postponed until next weekend, adding another day to missing him this holiday. More hugs...

Fuck that every experience in my life since my T died, even happy and fun ones, pales so deeply in comparison to just spending time doing nothing with him. I'm working so hard to re-engage with life and consciously trying not to make comparisons, but it feels like my mind and body do it anyway.

Sending you more tight hugs...

I am so very sorry for all you are going through right now. Those hospital triggers can be so very hard, especially when you are sick already. Sometimes it truly does feel so overwhelming, just too much. In those times, I've had to just take things hour by hour, because day by day was too much to handle. Know that we are here to support you as much as we can, because most of us have found ourselves at the point where it just feels like too much at one time or another (or several times). Sending you tight hugs and my sincere hopes that your mom recovers quickly...

Thank you all for the encouragement. Bunny, I loved the baby bird analogy. I actually am really good at talking to strangers coincidentally. My kids will ask me who the person I was talking to was and I'll say I don't know. I met one of my closest new friends (who turned out to be a widow my age and close in timeline) after starting up a conversation while we were waiting to get our cars repaired. Last night I went to a summer concert in the park event. It was a beautiful evening here and I had a nice time. I'll just keep forging ahead, especially since I am now encouraged that it will be easier as I do it more. Thank you, again!

I'm not as far out as you yet (just over 3 yrs), but I'm guessing that the build up of exhaustion, worry, and stress that has been added onto you year after year may be factoring in. You're beyond tired of doing it all for so long now and if your husband were still here, you wouldn't have to. I think the anger is a natural reaction to being exhausted and on overload, without the soft place to land even for a brief while you once had. Sending you tight hugs and support...

So, I decided at after 3 years, it was time for me to start going out and interacting with the world again rather than just staying home as I've been doing. I've made some very nice new friends. We've been invited to several get-togethers over the upcoming holiday weekend which I plan to attend. I'm doing what I feel like I need to do to start to get back to actually living vs just existing. The unexpected reaction I'm having is that going out is actually making me miss T even more deeply. I know some of it is seeing other couples and families. Some is just related to making plans without him. I'm truly hoping this is a temporary stage of being worse before it gets better. Anyone else experience this? Can you give me hope that I'll reach a stage where it switches to feeling better than worse?

I was thinking today about what my husband would be surprised about how I've changed since he died. 1. I swear much more than I ever did. 2. I allow the kids (teens) to swear, too. 3. I go to the MD regularly now. 4. I kill spiders on my own now. 5. I drive across the Bay Bridge myself now. 6. I'm planning to get a tattoo in his memory. What would your spouse/SO be surprised about if they knew about how you've changed?

It sounds fortunate that you have this neighbor to be a continued source of inspiration, SB. I could use a neighbor like her myself. Hugs...

Last year would have been our 30th as well. I remember on our 25th hoping we would make it to 50. I never dreamed we wouldn't even make it to 30. Hitting these milestones without them is so strange. It is hard to avoid the "only ifs". Hugs to you...

Still pouting here a little about not being able to come. I wanted to wish you all a great time. Sending hugs and a request for someone to love on Rosie for me since I can't be there to do so.

Thank you all so much. Your words from those who have shared this difficult journey with me mean more to me than I can say. I shudder to think where I'd be now if I had never found all of you. Love and tight hugs to each of you!!!

I'm so happy to read this, dear friend! Yes, you can do this. We'll support each other through it. I really believe it is helping me, although it doesn't feel better yet. It can feel tough, but I try to keep in mind, this process is hopefully leading me to a better, more fulfilling life. Tight hugs to you!!!

I would be irritated as well, Maureen. I'm sorry he's adding unneeded anxiety to your life right now. I hope he is on his way home soon. Tight hugs...

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words. One more thing I wanted to add: From the beginning of this widow journey, I have stubbornly refused to follow the many versions of advice I received essentially saying that I had to "let T go" to move on. I was determined to find a way to bring him with me as I move forward. It has taken me a while, but I truly think I am meeting that goal. Our children and I are bringing him with us in a way that continues to recognize the important part of our family he has been and how he has contributed to the individuals we all are and will continue to be. It may seem just a matter of semantics to some, but it was an important distinction to me. Thank you, again.

I'm sorry, Marian. So glad they were able to talk him into coming down. I can only imagine how scared and relieved you must be at the same time. I am hoping he will get therapy to help him feel better about his life. Sending you a tight hug...

Quixote, I started out as best friends with my husband at age 15, evolved to dating at age 16, and was with him for 30 years of my life. Unless I'm going to talk about my childhood, my conversations will likely often include talking about my husband. I've not done much happy or interesting in the 3 years since he died. I enjoy talking about him as we enjoyed each other so much. So, yes, I do this, too. I don't think I really talk about him in present tense, but I definitely still call him my husband, not late husband. I agree with Maureen that someone so insecure as to find it problematic, would probably not be a good match for me, because I would not want to feel as if I have to hide my true feelings from a partner. At this point, it still just comes naturally. I spent all of my adulthood with him. All stories I tell about him now are past tense in nature, but he was my husband at the time those events occurred. Hugs to you...

which remains to be seen if it will actually be forward or not, but today I took off my wedding rings. I had originally set a goal for myself for Friday, but didn't actually accomplish it until today. There were a lot of tears involved in this decision and finally actually taking them off. I've worn them for 30+ years now (including the 3 years since my husband died). I rarely ever took them off. There is an indented circle around my finger, like a fossil imprint I will continue to carry with me of a life I've realized no longer actually exists. I have continued to feel married to my husband. In my head, I kept remembering our vows "until death do us part". I've argued with others they still count for me as I am still alive. In truth, I'm not. I'm at best existing. The wife me died the day T died. I will never be her again. I will always love him. I thought my many memories of our time together could sustain me and keep me going. However, ghost husbands never come home, they don't hold you when you are sad or frightened, they don't answer when you talk to them. I so wanted it to be enough, but it isn't. Still feeling married has become more frustrating to me than comforting, so it is time to at least start being realistic about where I am, so I can try to establish goals of things to want that may be achievable, rather than returning to a past that is no longer available to me. I don't love my precious T any less without the rings on. I will always love and miss him. I also miss human connections, though - having a real person who can hold you when needed, add laughter to your day, be able to fall asleep snuggled up to, etc.. I had been really blocking those needs out, pretending I didn't have them. In truth, I am doubtful I will find a partner who will want the rather messed up total package I've become. But I'm not closing myself off to the possibility and hope that someday I will. I've realized I can truly care about another man without diminishing my feelings about T in any way. I asked my teen children how they would feel if I ever decided to go out on a date with someone. My son exclaimed yes, and asked me who it was. I told him there is no actual person, it was just a hypothetical question. He told me he thinks it would help to make me happy again and me being happier would make him happy, which brought me to tears. When I asked my daughter, she replied, "That is so weird". I asked her if she felt it would feel really weird to her. She told me that wasn't what she meant. She went on to tell me about a dream she had just the night before in which I was going out with a man. She said her dad was there and looked at her and told her it was a good thing and everything would be fine. She said he seemed very peaceful and encouraging. She said if her dad is good with it, she is too. It was an amazing gift to receive, but not surprising as T has been focused on ensuring my happiness for our whole relationship. So, I don't know where things go from here or if I'll just be stalled in this place. It is scary to think about trying to build a relationship with another man. I'm just focusing on trying to get out some and reconnect with the world, which has been challenging in itself. More baby steps are needed.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, DT. Honoring someone we love's end of life choices can be very hard to endure sometimes. Sending you tight hugs...

I think "tough love" approaches are best reserved for those who we know well enough (which would likely be very few people here) for the "blunt advice" to be seen as such and to have real value. One of the greatest features of this forum has been to be able to just vent and say the things running through our heads to people who likely will understand, if not the exact feelings or sentiments, at least the fact that all sorts of confusing feelings run through our minds in the throes of grief. To be able to freely vent them here is often enough to offer some relief just in itself. To be taken to task will make not only that member, but others members who witness it, feel reluctant to share their feelings or vent. I know this from pms sent to me from people who no longer felt safe sharing here. That is a real shame. I remember in the early timeframe after my husband died, that I felt like I no longer wanted to be here either (non-suicidal, just wanting to be away from the intense, unrelenting pain). I wanted to be with him, despite having two children here who mean the world to me. I myself was ashamed and confused by those feelings, but I had them none-the-less. My IRL friends and my family could not understand my feelings when I honestly answered how I was. They were quick to remind me of my responsibilities, which I didn't need. My children were and always have been first in my mind. I didn't need anyone to remind me of that in a manner that was shaming. So the lesson they taught me was to not share my feelings. But it was so helpful for someone here to tell me it wasn't uncommon to feel that way and to "listen" without judgement. I had some crazy thoughts those first couple of years (still do at times), so unlike the pre-loss me. I've managed to keep fighting everyday to be here to care for my children. I believe I've been able to be a better parent after venting my feelings than if I had to keep them bottled up and festering. I had so little energy. It was good to be able not to expend so much on feeling guilty for having the thoughts I had.